by Raeann Blake
“Not yet. Please, don’t go yet,” he whispered. He’d been awake for some time, just watching her sleep. His heart had become lodged somewhere around his throat when he had the first inkling that he was in far too deep.
“It’s getting late, Clay. Isobell will be here soon.”
“I don’t care. I mean if you don’t want her to know I can understand that, but…Hailey, please don’t go yet.”
Hailey lifted her eyes to his and couldn’t deny the pleading that she saw there in the first rays of dawn. She couldn’t possibly deny him anything. She didn’t say anything, but slid her arm back around his waist and nestled her cheek against his chest. The relieved sigh she heard told her that she had not been wrong the night before about him wanting to be with her. But it didn’t answer any of the other questions. She couldn’t seem to take a step back, but until she knew the answer to those, she couldn’t take one forward either.
Clay tightened his arms around her and laid his cheek against her hair. He had so many things bottled up inside of him that he wanted to say but couldn’t. He couldn’t tell her that he needed her beside him. Certainly not that he finally understood that he felt far too much for her. Those moments when she touched him and held him had made him understand that he would give her anything, do anything as long as she didn’t stop would go unspoken. She couldn’t know those things. How would he balance his hunger for her with the apprehension that kept building, waiting to find out what she really wanted from him? Just because everything that happened between them seemed special and transported him into a world he’d never known didn’t mean that she was different from all the other women in the world. She had both Shack and Laine fooled into believing she was different.
A woman like that can only be pushed away so many times before something breaks inside of her.
You can’t say something like that to a woman like her.
She doesn’t strike me as the type of woman who will settle for half a man. You either give her all of you, or you won’t be givin’ her any of you.
I think Hailey is the kind of woman who just gives everything inside of her. She does that with everything that she does. And giving herself to any man wouldn’t be any different. When you give that much of yourself, if leaves you wide open.
If you let her see that you give even the slightest credence to anything that Lynn said yesterday or last night, you’re going to change her in a way that you may never be able to fix. If you want her to stay here, if you want her to stay the same spunky, funny, confident woman you hired then you can’t let her see that. Because if she sees it, she’ll be the one who won’t trust. And the person she won’t trust is you. Every word she says, everything she does will be tempered with that mistrust, expecting you to turn on her at any second. She could probably stay here forever and take anything you dish out…except that. I don’t think she’s hard enough inside to stand up to that.
Then start working on how to trust her, Clay. If you don’t, you’re going to lose her. And that’s going to be a loss for all of us.
He replayed all of their words in his head. A woman like her. A woman like that. He wouldn’t, couldn’t let himself believe that she was different. But at the same time, she stirred feelings and emotions inside of him that no other woman ever had, ones that no woman should. He knew the day would come that he would find out what it was she was after. Until that day came, what he wanted to do was keep her in his life, at his side.
Why don’t you say it? You want to keep her in your bed.
So what? Why shouldn’t I want that? She does things and makes me feel things that I’ve never felt. What’s wrong with wanting her here?
You want to use her. You want her to do her job and then service you at night. That’s what men pay hookers for. Are you saying that’s what you want from her? That’s what you want her to be?
It’s not like that. She’s not like that. That’s not what I meant at all.
So—she’s not like that. So she is different from other women.
I didn’t say that either. Leave me alone.
“Make up your mind, Clay. Do you want me to stay or not,” Hailey whispered.
He hadn’t even realized that he had said the last words out loud. “I want you stay. I’m sorry. I wasn’t talking to you. It’s…it’s this damn voice in my head. It won’t leave me alone. I do want you stay.”
He slid his hand up her back and into her hair as he pressed his lips against the silky strands and pulled her even closer.
“Clay, why do you want me here?” She wasn’t sure she wanted to know the answer but the question needed to be asked.
He hesitated for several seconds then shook his head slightly. “I don’t know how to answer that, baby. I just know that I do. I know that’s not much to give you, but…it’s all that I can. Hailey…it won’t be enough will it?”
Hailey dragged in a ragged breath then finally shook her head as the first tear slipped out of the corner of her eye. “No. It won’t. For now maybe, but not…that’s Isobell. I should go,” she said hoarsely.
Clay lifted her chin and kissed her softly then deepened it with his heart aching. He didn’t want to let go. He didn’t know if she would come back or if today would be different than yesterday.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he whispered.
“You don’t have to say you’re sorry, Clay. I already knew you couldn’t give me more than that. But I still can’t seem to stay out of your arms—or out your bed. I’m not sure what that says about me, but here I am anyway.”
“Goddamn, Hailey. The way you said that makes me sound cold and heartless. Like I planned all of this and just keep dragging you back in. It didn’t happen like that. It’s not like that.”
“I didn’t mean for it to sound that way. I didn’t mean it as a slam against you. It was a slam against me. I should be stronger than I am. I shouldn’t just give in to the things I feel. But I can’t seem to stop it.”
“I don’t want you to stop it,” he said softly.
“Well, I do,” she said as she slipped out of his arms and off the bed. She dressed hurriedly then turned back to face him.
“I don’t know why you need me right now. But I know it won’t last. And if I don’t stop this somehow I’m not sure that I’ll be ready for the day you say you don’t need me anymore,” she said with watery eyes and slipped out the door before he could say anything.
What the hell was he supposed to say to that anyway? He scrambled out of the bed and slipped on just his jeans and followed her. He knocked softly on her door one time then went in without waiting for her to answer. The kick he felt in his stomach when he found her sitting on the side of the bed with tears running down her face caught him by surprise and knocked the breath out of him. He crossed to her slowly and knelt in front of her.
“Hailey, how can you know that? How can you know that the day will come that I won’t need you? I don’t know it. How can you?” he asked softly.
Hailey blew out a short breath and angrily wiped the tears off of her face. “Oh, Clay. I’ll say something wrong. Do something wrong. Talk to the wrong person. It will be something. And then you’ll look at me and you’ll wonder what you’ve been doing and why you’ve been doing it. And you won’t be able to answer those questions. And then you’ll decide I can’t stay here because you’ll be too uncomfortable working with me after…”
“Stop it,” Clay snapped then softened his voice. “Baby, stop. You don’t know that. You don’t know that it will happen. You don’t know that I’ll think that. Hailey, I don’t want you to go anywhere. I don’t want you to leave here. Even if all that came true, I wouldn’t want you to go. If you’re not comfortable here with me, I’ll spend a lot of time out on the range. I don’t want you to leave. Why can’t you just trust me on that?”
Just as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he heard Laine’s voice.
Because if she sees it, she’ll be the one who won’t trust. And the person she won’t trust is
you. Every word she says, everything she does will be tempered with that mistrust, expecting you to turn on her at any second.
“Trust goes both ways, Clay.”
Clay’s head jerked up sharply and he narrowed his eyes at her. “Is that what this is? This is my punishment for what I said yesterday about Yates? I’m supposed to feel so bad about saying what I did that I’m supposed to just blindly trust you now?”
“Get out of my room,” Hailey hissed as she pushed him backwards and rushed into the bathroom.
“Goddammit,” Clay whispered hoarsely when he heard the lock on the door click in place. “You stupid fool. Why did you say that?”
He had no doubt in his mind that he had struck on the truth of what was going on, but to have said it out loud. It was still another one of those times where what he said was the worst possible thing he could have said if he was wrong.
“Sonofabitch. Why don’t women come with an instruction manual?” he muttered as he pushed to his feet slowly and slipped silently out of the room.
* * *
“Good morning, Hailey. Coffee’s ready. Breakfast is almost done.”
“Good morning, Isobell. I need the coffee. The breakfast—not so much.”
“You’re not going to start that again, are you? If you’re not going to eat three meals a day, you have to at least eat breakfast. At least try. Do you not feel well?” Isobell asked as she turned to watch her pour the coffee.
“I’m fine. I just don’t have much appetite. I’ll try to eat something,” she said as she walked to the counter and climbed up on one of the stools. She waited until she took a couple of sips before she looked back at Isobell again.
“You sounded surprised when you heard about Clay asking Laine and Shack to move in. Were you?”
Isobell nodded immediately and turned back to face her. “Surprised wasn’t even close. See Clay tries very hard to be strong. I guess it’s from what his daddy did to him, but he seems to always think that he’s supposed to be strong enough to shoulder everything by himself. Don’t get me wrong. He leans on both Shack and Laine heavily. But he tries not to admit that he does. So for him to finally admit that he’d like to have them up here with him was a major milestone for him, I think.”
“And I think that you talk too goddamned much,” Clay grumbled when he came through the kitchen door.
Isobell rolled her eyes at Hailey then turned a sweet smile to Clay. “Good morning, Clay. And what made you think that changed from yesterday or the day before that?”
Clay snorted without answering her as he poured some coffee and started to the counter then reversed directions and leaned down and kissed Isobell on the cheek.
“Good morning,” he said quietly then walked to the counter and sat down. He waited just a heartbeat before he lifted his eyes to Hailey and held her gaze steadily.
“Good morning, Hailey.”
“Good morning, Clay. We can go over those bills right after breakfast if you’d like. After that I’ll order the things for Charlie’s office. I’ll bring you the list and prices before I place the orders,” Hailey said as she dropped her eyes from his.
“That’s not necessary. Order what he needs. Can you get everything here in town or do you need a credit card?”
Hailey glanced up at him in surprise then right back down. “We can get everything here. It’s possible we could find it cheaper on the Internet, but then you’ve got shipping and delays in getting it in here. In my opinion, we should buy local if we can.”
Clay nodded and said, “Sounds good. Just bring me the checks and I’ll sign them. You’ll need to go into town to pick them up and pay for them, I guess. You can get Laine, I mean Charlie, to send one of the guys if you want or you can go. It’s your choice.”
“I’ll go but I will need somebody to go with me. I’ll order everything today and pick up what I can tomorrow. If there’s anything I can’t get by tomorrow, I’ll go back in when it’s ready. Hey, Laine,” she said quietly when Laine came through the door.
“Good morning, beautiful. And good morning, beautiful,” Laine said brightly as he stopped and dropped a kiss on Hailey’s cheek then another one on Isobell’s before he got a cup of coffee then turned back to the counter and met Clay’s steady stare.
“What?” he asked innocently.
“So I guess you don’t think I’m beautiful.”
Isobell and Hailey both laughed in surprise and Laine’s smile widened. “Well now, since you asked, no. But good morning anyway.”
Clay snorted and kicked his boot after he sat down then fought the grin that tugged at his mouth. “What are you so chipper about this morning?”
“The sun’s shining, birds chirping, Kathy and Gage are bringing the kids out, my eyes opened this morning, you didn’t get any uglier overnight, and…”
“Goddamn. Ask a simple question and I get an essay answer,” Clay muttered but none of them missed that his face had brightened considerably when Laine mentioned the kids.
“Oh, I checked the forecast. No more rain today or tonight. So we should be good for camping. You are letting me and Shack camp out with you, aren’t you?”
“Certainly. I expect you to both spend the day and the night up here with them. It’s a special occasion. One that I hope will be repeated but you never know. This may be our only shot at this. I want you both here,” Clay said seriously.
Laine frowned and looked around the room then back to Clay. “What do you mean it ‘may be our only shot’? Why wouldn’t she bring them back?”
Clay shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe she will. But she hates this place. After she stays one night, she may decide she can’t do it again.”
Laine thought about that a few seconds then looked back up at him again. “Okay, maybe. But surely she’d let the boys come out if they wanted to, right?”
“I don’t know that, Laine. All I know is they’re coming now, and I don’t want any of us to miss one minute of it. Okay?”
His frown deepened and he glanced at Hailey then back to Clay. “Okay. But I have to tell you something, buddy. I don’t much like the feeling that just settled down in the pit of my stomach. Living every minute while worrying about whether or not it’s going to be the last one you have is no way to live.”
His head jerked around to Hailey then back to Clay when he heard the quiet choked sob that she hadn’t quite managed to catch and then dropped her head so that none of them could see her eyes. But he could see Clay’s as he watched her silently. He opened his mouth then snapped it shut when Isobell set plates on the counter.
“Here you go. Now, Hailey, you promised you’d try to eat. At least a little, okay?”
Hailey nodded mutely and took another swallow of coffee before she spooned a few bites of the food onto her plate and ate in silence.
Laine let his eyes drift closed. He’d known when he left the night before that things hadn’t exactly been smoothed over yet, but he was pretty sure still something else had happened during the night that he didn’t know about.
Clay cut his eyes to Laine then dropped them to his plate. He had no doubt that Laine understood that he’d opened his mouth and said something wrong again. Or was it wrong? He pulled in a deep breath and picked his head up.
“Hailey is going to order Charlie’s equipment today. She’ll need somebody to go in with her tomorrow to pick up what she can. She should just get with Charlie?”
Laine nodded and looked back to Hailey again. “Yeah. He can send somebody for you if you want, sugar. Unless you just need to go in.”
“No, I’d rather go to make sure it’s exactly what I ordered but some of that stuff will be heavy. I don’t have the patience to stand around and wait while they find somebody to carry it out and load it for me so I just need a strong back for that,” she said without looking up from her cup.
“Okay. He’ll send somebody with you. Or maybe Clay or I could go if it’s after the boys have gone home.”
“I should go early. That’ll
give me a chance to start setting some of it up. I’ll need you after they leave though. I’d like for you to sit with me during the first payroll just to make sure I didn’t miss anything that you told me. Friday’s the supply run and maybe more of the equipment if I can’t get it all tomorrow. So if we could do the payroll on Thursday afternoons then I can be sure the checks are ready to hand out on Friday’s.”
“You don’t have to set all of that up. Laine and I both know how to set up the computer. They have to get the office finished and new wiring in there before we can start moving the stuff in any way. I mean, you can go to town whenever you want, but I’m not expecting you to personally put his office together. The guys can handle that,” Clay said then sighed when she only nodded but didn’t look at him.