Only by Death

by Herman, Kathy;

  “Says a lot about what he’s made of.” Liam lifted his head and looked Elliot in the eyes. “I need to say something. I–I can’t tell you how sorry I am for all the pain I caused Jesse, and his family. I’m not making excuses and I don’t expect them to forgive me for it. But I really am sorry. I’d give anything to go back and undo it.”

  “Jesse forgave you. I assure you he’s not holding any hostility. He just wants to be sure you know how grateful he is that you put your life on the line for him.”

  “He’s a bigger man than I am,” Liam said. “Would you tell Jesse something for me? Tell him I’ll see him again.”

  “Gentlemen, this visit is over.” Virgil stepped over to the bed, his arms folded across his chest. “You need to get something through your head, Liam. You’re going away for life. And there’s zero chance you’re going to see Jesse—ever.”

  “Ever’s awfully final, Sheriff.”

  “That’s my point.”

  Elliot took a step back. “It’s okay, Virgil. I said what I came to say. I should get back to Kate and the kids. Thanks for letting me be the messenger. It was important to Jesse.”

  “Please tell Jesse what I said.” Liam’s voice sounded weak. “That’s all I ask.”

  Elliot was uncomfortable with the idea of any back-and-forth conversations between Liam and Jesse and didn’t know how to respond, so he said nothing and stepped out into the hall with Virgil.

  “Sorry for being so abrupt,” Virgil said. “I think we should put an end to whatever relationship these two think they have. It’s a no-win, and I don’t want Jesse being manipulated by this guy.”

  “Fine with me. I’m sure Kate would agree. Thanks for letting me do this one thing for Jesse. Hopefully, it will give him some closure.”

  Chapter 42

  Kate sat with Elliot on the couch in her living room, a crackling fire warming her to the bone, the glow in the room matching the way she was feeling.

  “I’m so glad Hawk insisted on staying with Jesse at the hospital tonight,” Kate said. “It feels good just to sit here and enjoy the peace. Yesterday, my heart was breaking. And today, I’m overjoyed that my son was found alive and will be home soon. I still can hardly believe it.”

  “I know what you mean.” Elliot pulled her a little closer. “It’s a bit surreal.”

  Kate stared at the flames flickering in the fireplace. “This is the first chance I’ve had to talk to you about this, but something happened to me in those final, difficult hours of waiting for Virgil to find Jesse. I stopped fighting. I mean, really stopped. I accepted on a new and deeper level that God was in control of my son’s life, but I was strangely at peace with it. I felt as if He’d lifted a thousand-pound weight off my chest, and I could breathe. Does that make sense?”

  “Perfect sense.”

  Kate looked up at Elliot. “It’s odd, but I realized for the very first time that Jesse really is just on loan to me, that God is his Father and has a plan for his life that is much bigger than my selfish desire to nurture him.”

  “I think the desire to nurture is one of the most beautiful aspects of motherhood, but I know what you’re saying. It’s small in comparison to God’s desire for Jesse.”

  “Why couldn’t I see that until now?” Kate said.

  “You’ve come to this point, little by little, trial after trial. Even the apostle Paul said he died daily. I think that’s what he meant. Dying to our own desires is a lifelong struggle. I know it has been for me.”

  “Does it get easier?” Kate said.

  “I suppose that depends on how long it takes us to surrender. Jesse is certainly an inspiration, and he’s only been a believer for two years. I want to be just like him when I grow up—” Elliot’s voice cracked and he paused for several seconds. “You know I seriously love that boy. It’s been a joy watching him grow. I’m so proud of him.”

  “You’ve been a wonderful influence on Jesse—well, on all of us. Your fingerprints have been on everything we do for so long that I can’t imagine life without you.”

  “I’ll always be there for you—as long as you’ll let me.”

  Kate nestled closer to Elliot. She took a moment to process what she was feeling, then looked up into Elliot’s eyes. “I know that, I mean really know that, to the depth of my being. You’ve stuck by me through the darkest of times, when seeing me so devastated had to have hurt you too, especially since you had romantic feelings for me and no freedom to act on them. You’re the most selfless man I know. I am head over heels in love with you. Heaven knows, you’re already a part of the family. So what am I waiting for? It’s time we started planning our future together.”

  “You mean it?”

  “I do.”

  In the next instant, Elliot’s warm lips melted into hers, and Kate became wholly immersed in a longing, lingering kiss that took her breath away. “Yes, we most definitely need … to be together.”

  Elliot smiled. “Most definitely.”

  Elliot bent down to kiss her again—but the sound of the phone ringing spoiled the moment. She reached over and groped the end table until she found the phone. “Hello, Virgil.”

  “I’m sorry to bother you so late.”

  “You’re not. I was just sitting here, talking with Elliot. I hope nothing’s wrong.”

  “Well, I guess that’s a matter of perspective. Liam Berne is dead.”

  Chapter 43

  Early the following morning, Kate and Elliot went to Foggy Ridge Medical Center to tell Jesse that Liam Berne had died unexpectedly.

  “It’s too soon. I don’t think he’s going to take this well.” Kate walked briskly down the long, shiny corridor, her heels clicking, Elliot keeping in stride.

  “I don’t know, Kate. After all Jesse’s been through, I don’t think this will throw him over the edge. He seemed remarkably calm yesterday. You want me to do the talking?”

  “Would you? I don’t know what to say.”

  “Sure.” Elliot slid his arm around her as they walked. “It’s going to be fine.”

  Kate slowed as they approached Jesse’s room, and then they walked inside.

  “Hey there. I’m surprised to see you two so early.” Hawk walked over and hugged Kate and shook Elliot’s hand. “Jesse had a great night. Slept straight through.”

  Kate went over and kissed Jesse on his forehead. “Hi, sweetie. How’re you feeling?”

  “Sore all over. And my arm kinda hurts. But it’s not so bad. I had eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast, and oatmeal for breakfast. Man, did it ever taste good.” Jesse patted his middle.

  “Has the doctor been by yet?” Kate said.

  Hawk shook his head.

  Elliot pulled up a chair for Kate and one for himself, and sat next to Jesse’s bed.

  “We have some news,” Elliot said. “It might be hard for you to hear.”

  “What?” Jesse’s face went blank. “Tell me.”

  Elliot leaned over closer to Jesse, his arms folded on the bed rail. “Liam died last night. It was very sudden. The way Virgil explained it, his heart gave out.”

  Jesse’s eyes welled with tears. “What time?”

  “Around nine forty-five.”

  Jesse wiped a tear off his cheek. “I didn’t even get to say thank you.”

  “I told him for you,” Elliot said. “He knew how grateful you were that he risked his life so you could get away from Slick.”

  Jesse was quiet and seemed to be thinking. “I don’t get it. Why would God want me to go back and help Mr. Berne if he was going to die anyway before I could make him understand?”

  “Understand what?” Kate said.

  “That God loved him and would forgive him if he just asked. That last time, I told Mr. Berne maybe the real reason God wanted me to go back there was because God loves him and didn’t want him to die unsaved. Mr. Berne cl
osed down and wouldn’t listen at all after that. I know he said he didn’t need a Savior, but I could tell he didn’t really believe that. I asked God not to let him die, that he needed more time.” A tear trickled down the side of Jesse’s face. “I failed. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t reach him.”

  Elliot put his hand on Jesse’s arm. “Not necessarily. Liam asked me to tell you something. He was adamant. He said, ‘Tell Jesse I’ll see him again.’”

  Jesse’s eyes grew wide. “Were those his exact words?”

  “Yes. And when I started to leave, he pleaded with me again to tell you.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “Jesse, Virgil put an end to our visit the minute Liam said to tell you he would see you again. Virgil told him in no uncertain terms that there was zero chance he would see you again. And yet … Liam pleaded with me to tell you anyway.”

  “Because his heart changed!” Jesse wore a grin from ear to ear. “Mr. Berne wanted me to know that he was a believer—that he’d put his faith in Jesus!”

  Elliot looked over at Kate and then at Jesse. “Thinking back, I believe that’s exactly what he was trying to say.”

  Hawk came over and stood at the bed rail. “Man, we couldn’t make this stuff up. The dude killed his mother, tried to kill Jesse once, then agreed to kill Jesse to save his own neck, then put his neck on the line to save Jesse. And then he got saved because of Jesse. And died. Is that about right?”

  Elliot stood and put his arm around Hawk. “Sounds like it.”

  Kate stood and took Jesse’s hand. “What happened in Liam’s heart is something only God knows. But you didn’t fail, Jesse. You were obedient to what you felt God was calling you to do. I know God protected you because it’s nothing short of a miracle that you survived.”

  “I couldn’t shake the feeling I needed to go back,” Jesse said. “I just wanted to go home. But I couldn’t leave Mr. Berne out there to die. I remembered what Elliot told me about the importance of always trying to do the right thing. He said it might be costly in the beginning. But in the long run, it would pay off. Plus, I kept thinking about the parable of the Good Samaritan. God told us to go and do likewise, right? I’m really glad I went back. I can’t know for sure what happened between Mr. Berne and God, but he knew how to be saved, and I choose to believe he had a change of heart.”

  “Me too,” Elliot said.

  Kate nodded.

  Hawk smiled. “Hey, you’re talking to a guy who felt an angel’s wing and had a permanent change of heart. It doesn’t take a lot to convince me of what God can do. But you’re one brave dude, little brother.”

  Chapter 44

  Four days later, on Thursday morning, Jesse waited and waited at the hospital until the doctor finally released him. His mother and Elliot were eager to get him home, but there was one stop they had planned to make first.

  “There it is.” Jesse pointed to a green canopy, beneath it a bronze casket covered in gold and orange flowers.

  “Everyone’s driving away.” Kate sighed. “Jesse, I’m so sorry. Looks like we’re too late for the graveside service. We tried.”

  “But it’s not too late to at least say something to Miss Berne,” Jesse said. “Isn’t that her, standing by the casket with Pastor Windsor?”

  Kate nodded.

  “I hate to interrupt them,” Elliot said. “Let’s park here and wait a few minutes. They might need some privacy, now that the others have left.”

  Elliot turned off the motor, the sun flooding in the car windows, taking the chill off the frosty October morning.

  Jesse looked out across the rolling slopes of Blessed Redeemer Cemetery, high atop Sure Foot Mountain, remembering a difficult day just over two years ago when they stood not far from this very spot and said good-bye to his father, a man he’d never had time to really know. He felt a tinge of guilt that the feelings he had today for a man who’d tried to kill him were stronger and easier to understand than his feelings on the day of his father’s funeral. Back then, his sorrow was mostly for his mother, who had suffered deeply for five long years, not knowing whether his father and younger sister were dead or alive. Today his feelings were raw, personal. Joy and sorrow mixed. What ifs and if onlys tugging at his heart.

  It was impossible to feel sorry for Mr. Berne now. He was with God. But how hard it must be for his sister who’d lost her mother by her brother’s hand. Jesse wasn’t sure what to say to Colleen Berne—but he knew he had to say something.

  “It looks like Pastor Windsor is ready to leave,” Elliot said. “Let’s go pay our respects to Colleen, and not stay too long so she can be alone with her thoughts.”

  Jesse opened the door and slid out of the back seat and onto his feet. Elliot linked arms with Jesse and with Kate, and the trio walked across the frosty brown grass and arrived at the green awning just as Pastor Windsor was getting in his car.

  Kate walked over and put her arms around Colleen. “I’m so sorry.”

  Colleen nodded. “Me too.”

  Elliot hugged Colleen and offered his condolences.

  “We wanted to be here for the graveside service,” Kate said, “but were delayed getting Jesse released from the hospital.”

  “I–I can’t believe you came at all. I never expected it.” Colleen turned and opened her arms to Jesse.

  He walked over and unabashedly yielded himself to her embrace. “I’m so sorry, Miss Berne. I can’t imagine how awful you must feel.”

  “I do feel awful.” She pushed back and looked into Jesse’s eyes and then gently touched the sling on his arm. “No kid should ever have to endure what my brother put you through. Saying I’m sorry seems inadequate. I’m just grateful you’re going to be all right.”

  “I am,” Jesse said. “Really. I have so much I want to tell you sometime when you feel like it.”

  “I would love to hear it now. Why don’t we all sit down? Tell me what’s on your heart.”

  Jesse sat next to his mother and told Miss Berne about how he’d felt compelled to go back and help Liam, even after Liam’s failed attempt to kill him. He told her about the spiritual conversations he’d had with Liam after Slick accosted him and prodded him to the shelter at gunpoint, including that final conversation in the foggy woods as they lay covered in tree limbs, hiding from Slick and thinking they might not make it out alive. He shared how excited he was to hear the last words Liam had said to Elliot—and why.

  “I have to believe Mr. Berne was trying to tell me he’d opened his heart to Jesus,” Jesse said, sounding out of breath. “It’s so cool. The Lord knew it was Mr. Berne’s time to die, and He never gave up on him.”

  “And neither did you.” Colleen dabbed her eyes. “There’s something I’ve been waiting to tell you. I was with Liam about an hour before he died. He told me all about the conversations you’d had with him. I don’t know when it happened, but you got through to him. He told me that everything Mom and I had been telling him all these years finally made sense to him … all because he’d seen the gospel at work in a twelve-year-old kid, so sold out to God that he was less concerned for his own life than saving a killer from dying in the cold. Jesse, Liam asked me to pray with him to receive Jesus. I’d never seen him so radiant. Afterwards, we both cried. That had to be why he asked Elliot to tell you he’d see you again. He knew you’d understand what that meant. And, of course, he hoped the sheriff would let him tell you the whole story before he went to prison—” Colleen’s voice cracked. “Only he’s not going to prison. He’s been pardoned forever by the same Jesus he thought was nothing more than a cliché, until he experienced the love of God working through you.”

  Jesse’s eyes pooled and he blinked to clear them, but not before a tear escaped down his cheek. “It’s awesome Mr. Berne chose to follow Jesus. It’s just so sad you’ve lost your mom and your brother.”

  Colleen lifted his chin. “But ult
imately, I haven’t lost them. Yes, it’s tragic that Liam killed our mother, and I’ll grieve them both for a long, long time. But if he hadn’t done such a terrible thing, he would never have encountered you and probably never seen the profound effect eternal hope can have on a believer. And because he chose to trust Jesus as his Lord and Savior, I’ll see him again. It was worth the price, Jesse. I can never thank you enough for listening to God and being obedient. Already at twelve years old, you’ve done more to further the kingdom than most Christians do in a lifetime.”

  Jesse couldn’t make any words come out of his mouth. He imagined Mr. Berne standing in heaven, with no black eye, cuts, or bruises. No gash or infection in his leg. No gunshot wound in his shoulder. Just pure joy on his face, and his mother beside him.

  “It was worth it,” Jesse finally said. “There was so much going on in my head when I left Mr. Berne to go get help. Even though I’d chosen to forgive him, I was mad and scared. I really wanted to go home. But then I worried he might die out there in the cold before I could get help to him. I had to go back. I’m so glad I did.”

  “Liam said you were trying to be a good Samaritan, and he was angry you came back because he knew what Slick wanted him to do. It was a terrible choice for anyone to have to make.”

  Jesse felt his cheeks get hot. “I knew that. I was mad and scared, but so was Mr. Berne. That’s when I started to see him differently. I didn’t understand how he could kill your mother. But he wasn’t a bad man.”

  “Thank you, Jesse. Liam had a lot of good in him. That’s how I want to remember him.”

  “I think if I’d known him longer, we might’ve become friends. And he risked his life so I could get away from Slick. I wish I’d had the chance to thank him in person.”

  “Elliot spoke for you. And you can thank Liam face to face someday, though he will probably beat you to it.” Colleen smiled, her eyes brimming with tears. “You’ll always be my hero, Jesse Cummings. I loved my brother, and as awful as his actions were, it gives me great comfort that God trusted you to offer him kindness in his darkest hour and show him the way home. You are truly a man after God’s own heart.”