Plays Political

by Dan Laurence

  ALOYSIA. Have you ever heard of the Domesday clearances?

  THE DUKE. Clearances? Which clearances do you refer to? The latest cleared me out of Domesday Towers. I can no longer afford to live there.

  ALOYSIA. Dont prevaricate. You know very well what I mean. It is written in blood and tears on the pages of working class history.

  SIR ARTHUR [introducing] Alderwoman Aloysia Brollikins. The Duke of Domesday.

  THE DUKE [rising courteously] Wont you sit down?

  ALOYSIA [sternly] You shall not put me out by these tricks and ceremonies. My Lord Duke: I would rather touch the hand of the most degraded criminal in London than touch yours.

  THE DUKE [collapsing into his chair] Great heavens! Why?

  ALOYSIA. Do you forget how your family drove a whole countryside of honest hardworking Scotch crofters into the sea, and turned their little farms into deer forests because you could get more shooting rents out of them in that way? Do you forget that women in childbirth were carried out by your bailiffs to die by the roadside because they clung to their ancient homesteads and ignored your infamous notices to quit? Would it surprise you to learn that I am only one of thousands of young women who have read the hideous story of this monstrous orgy of housebreaking and murder, and sworn to ourselves that never, if we can help it, will it again be possible for one wicked rich man to say to a whole population “Get off the earth.”

  SIR JAFNA. Admirable! What did I tell you? Hear hear!

  ALOYSIA. I thank you, Sir Jafna, for shewing this man that even hardened capitalist millionaires shudder when that story is told. You will not find it in your school histories; but in the new histories, the histories of the proletariat, it has been written, not by the venal academic triflers you call historians, but by the prophets of the new order: the men in whom the word is like a burning fire shut up in their bones so that they are weary of forbearing and must speak.

  THE MAYOR. Aye: in the Bible, that is.

  ALOYSIA. The Domesday Clearances filled your pockets with gold to console you for the horror and remorse of your dreams: but the vengeance they cried to God for in vain is upon you now that Labor is coming to its own; and it is your turn now to get off the earth.

  BLEE. And in the face of all this, you come whining for compensation! Compensation!! Compensation from us to you! From the oppressed to the oppressor! What a mockery!

  ALOYSIA. It is from you that we shall exact compensation: aye, to the uttermost farthing. You are conspiring here with these capitalist bloodsuckers to rob us again of the value of what you have already stolen—to make us give you gilt edged securities in exchange for the land that no longer brings you in shooting rents; and you think we cannot see through the plot. But in vain is the net spread in sight of the bird. We shall expose you. We shall tell the story of the Domesday Clearances until the country rings with it if you dare to lift your dishonored head again in English politics. Your demand for compensation is dismissed, turned down: we spit it back in your face. The crofters whom you drove from their country to perish in a foreign land would turn in their graves at the chink of a single penny of public money in your hungry pocket. [She tears out a chair from under the table and flops into it, panting with oratorical emotion].

  BLEE

  Good for you, Brolly!

  [enthused] Hear hear! [They hammer on the table with their knuckles].

  SIR JAFNA

  SIR BEMROSE

  GLENMORISON

  THE DUKE [very appreciative] What a magnificent speech, Miss Brollikins! I really must insist on your shaking hands with me before we part.

  ALOYSIA. Never. How dare you ask me? [She sweeps away from him and sits down in the opposite chair at the other side of the table].

  THE DUKE [taking the armchair] May I not have the privilege of telling my grandchildren how I once met and shook hands with the greatest orator of my time? I assure you all these shocking things happened before I was born.

  BLEE [bawling at him] Yes; but you still pocket the shooting rents.

  THE DUKE [brusquely] Of course I do; and so would you too if you were in my place. [Tenderly, to Aloysia] I assure you, Miss Brollikins, the people make much more money out of my shooting tenants than they could as crofters: they would not go back to croftering for worlds. Wont you let bygones be bygones—except when you are exercising your wonderful gift of eloquence on the platform? Think of what your ancestors were doing in those ruthless old days!

  BARKING. Grabbing all they could get, like yours or mine. Whats the good of tubthumping at these johnnies, Brolly? Theyve been doing it themselves all their lives. Cant you see that compensation makes them share the loss fairly between them?

  SIR BEMROSE. It’s no use. These damned Liberals cant understand anything but virtuous indignation.

  THE MAYOR. Who are you calling a Liberal? I represent the Labor Party.

  SIR BEMROSE. Youre a No Compensation man, arnt you?

  THE MAYOR. Of course I am.

  SIR BEMROSE. Then youre a Liberal.

  THE MAYOR. Call me what you like. I’m not arguing. I’m telling you that the Labor Party of the Isle of Cats puts down its foot and says No Compensation. Is that plain?

  SIR DEXTER. I am glad we have arrived at the same conclusion from our opposite points of view, Mr Mayor. The Party I represent, the Conservative Party, will withdraw from the Coalition if there is the slightest wobbling on this point. We shall defend our property—and yours: yours, Mr Mayor, to the last drop of our blood.

  BASHAM [incisively re-entering the conversation; they had forgotten him, and now turn to him in some surprise] Our blood, you mean, dont you?

  SIR DEXTER [puzzled] Whose blood?

  BASHAM. The police’s blood, You landed gentlemen never do a thing yourselves: you only call us in. I have twenty thousand constables, all full of blood, to shed it in defence of whatever the Government may decide to be your property. If Sir Arthur carries his point theyll shed it for land nationalization. If you carry yours theyll stand by your rent collectors as usual.

  BLEE. The police come from the ranks of labor: dont forget that.

  BASHAM. Thats not how they look at it, Blee. They feel that theyve escaped from the ranks of labor; and theyre proud of it. They have a status which they feel to be a part of the status of the Duke here.

  THE DUKE. I suppose that is why they are always so civil to me.

  BASHAM. In short, Mister Blee, the police are what you Socialists call class-conscious. You will find that out if you are foolish enough to fall out with them.

  BLEE. Who cut their pay? Tell me that.

  SIR ARTHUR. I shall restore the cuts, Mr Alderman, with a premium.

  THE MAYOR. There! Now you see what comes of arguing, Blee. It only gives him his chance.

  ALOYSIA. You need not warn us, Sir Broadfoot Basham, D.S.O., K.C.M.G., O.B.E. In the Class War your myrmidons will be well paid.

  THE DUKE. Myrmidons!

  ALOYSIA. We know too well what we have to expect from your Janissaries.

  BLEE. Your bludgeoning Bashi-Bazouks.

  ALOYSIA. The Class War is a fact. We face it. What we want we shall have to take; and we know it. The good of the community is nothing to you: you care only for surplus value. You will never give up your privileges voluntarily. History teaches us that: the history you never read.

  THE DUKE. I assure you, my dear Héloise?

  ALOYSIA. Héloise! Who are you calling Héloise?

  THE DUKE. Pardon. I could not resist the French form of your charming name.

  ALOYSIA [interjects] The cheek!

  THE DUKE [continuing] I was merely going to point out, as between one student of history and another, that in the French Revolution it was the nobility who voluntarily abolished all their own privileges at a single sitting, on the sentimental principles they had acquired from reading the works of Karl Marx’s revolutionary predecessor Rousseau. That bit of history is repeating itself today. Here is Sir Arthur offering us a program of what seems to me to be
first rate Platonic Communism. I, a Conservative Duke, embrace it. Sir Jafna Pandranath here, a Liberal capitalist whose billions shame my poverty, embraces it. The Navy embraces it with the sturdy arms of Sir Bemrose Hotspot. The police are enthusiastic. The Army will be with Sir Arthur to the last man. He has the whole propertied class on his side. But the proletariat rises against him and spews out his Socialism through the eloquent lips of its Aloysia. I recall the warning my dear old father gave me when I was five years old. Chained dogs are the fiercest guardians of property; and those who attempt to unchain them are the first to be bitten.

  ALOYSIA. Your Grace calls us dogs. We shall not forget that.

  THE DUKE. I have found no friends better than faithful dogs, Miss Brollikins. But of course I spoke figuratively. I should not dream of calling you a dog.

  ALOYSIA. No. As I am a female dog I suppose you will call me something shorter when my back is turned.

  THE DUKE. Oh! Think of the names you have called me!

  THE MAYOR. Well, if you will argue, Alderwoman Brollikins, there’s no use my staying here. I wish I could stop your mouth as easy as I can stop my ears. Sir Arthur: youve planked down your program and weve planked down our answer. Either you drop compulsory labor and drop compensation or never shew your face in the Isle of Cats again. [He goes out resolutely].

  BLEE. Take this from me. I am no Communist: I am a respectable Labor man, as law abiding as any man here. I am what none of you has mentioned yet: a democrat. I am just as much against Cabinet dictatorship as individual dictatorship. What I want done is the will of the people. I am for the referendum. I am for the initiative. When a majority of the people are in favor of a measure then I am for that measure.

  SIR BEMROSE. Rot! The majority is never in favor of any measure. They dont know what a measure is. What they want is their orders, and as much comfort as they are accustomed to. The lower deck doesnt want to give orders, it looks to the bridge for them. If I asked my men to do my job theyd chuck me overboard; and serve me jolly well right! You just know nothing about it, because youve never had to command; and you havnt sense enough to obey and be thankful to those who have saved you the trouble of thinking for yourself and keeping you off the rocks.

  BLEE. You havnt kept us off the rocks. We’re on the rocks, the whole lot of us. So long, Rosy. [He goes out].

  BARKING. Silly swine! When they are offered what they want they wont have it just because you fellows want it too. They think there must be a catch in it somewhere.

  THE DUKE. There generally is. That is how you feel, Miss Brollikins, isnt it?

  ALOYSIA. You dont know how I feel; and you never will. We are going to save ourselves and not be saved by you and your class. And I prefer Sir Dexter Rightside’s downright outspoken opposition to your silly-clever cynicism and your sickening compliments.

  THE DUKE. It is only in middle class books, Miss

  Brollikins, that noblemen are always cynical and insincere. I find you a most brilliant and delightful woman. May I not tell you so ? And WHAT a speaker! Will you spend a quiet week-end with me in some out-of-the-way place in the country, and let me try to convince you that a duke is a human being like yourself?

  ALOYSIA [rearing] Are you trying to seduce me?

  THE DUKE. That would be exquisite, Miss Brollikins; but I am an old and very poor man. You are young, beautiful, and probably opulent. Can you find anything seductive about me?

  ALOYSIA. Yes. Youre a duke. And you have the charm of a majestic ruin, if you understand me.

  BARKING [rising] Come on out of this, Brolly: youre only making a fool of yourself listening to that old bird buttering you up. You just dont know when to go.

  ALOYSIA [moving to the hearthrug, behind Sir Arthur] You can go if you like. I have some business with Sir Arthur that doesnt concern you. Get out.

  SIR ARTHUR. Some business with me! Public business?

  ALOYSIA. Not exactly.

  SIR ARTHUR. Oh! Private business?

  ALOYSIA. I dont care who knows it. But perhaps you would.

  BARKING. She means to marry your son David. One below the belt for you, Brolly. Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! [He goes out roaring with laughter].

  SIR ARTHUR [after a moment of shock] I congratulate David, Miss Brollikins. Have you arranged the date?

  ALOYSIA. I havnt mentioned it to him yet. I hope all you gentlemen will remember that I was not the one that blurted this out: it was your noble viscount. However, now it’s out, I stand by it: David is a good boy; and his class is not his fault. Goodbye all. [She goes to the door].

  THE DUKE [rising] And that week-end, Miss Brollikins? Or has David cut me out?

  ALOYSIA. Right you are. Your Grace! I will call for you at Domesday House on Friday at half past four. As I shall bring a few friends we shall hire an omnibus from the London Transport; so you neednt trouble about a car. You wont mind my publishing an account of what happens as a special interview: you know that we Labor intelligentsia have to live by our brains. Au revoir. [She goes out].

  THE DUKE. There is a frightful unexpectedness about these people. Where on earth shall I borrow the money to pay for the omnibus and entertain them all? [He goes back to his chair at the end of the table and sits down].

  BASHAM. Your share will only be a few shillings, Duke; and she will reckon on having to pay for you. What girl in her class wouldnt foot the bill if she had a duke to walk out with?

  THE DUKE. You reassure me, Sir Broadfoot. Thank you.

  SIR DEXTER [triumphant] Well, Chavender? What have you to say now? When these people came in I was saying that though I was alone in this room, the people of England were on my side and always would be when it came to the point. Was I right or wrong?

  SIR BEMROSE. We never meant to desert you, Dexy. You mustnt think that.

  SIR ARTHUR. As you have no more intention of consulting the people of England than I have, the situation is unaltered.

  SIR DEXTER. Than you have! What do you mean? Do you think you can govern in this country without the consent of the English people?

  SIR ARTHUR. No country has ever been governed by the consent of the people, because the people object to be governed at all. Even you, who ought to know better, are always complaining of the income tax.

  THE DUKE. But five shillings in the pound, Arthur! Five shillings in the pound! !

  SIR DEXTER. Never mind my income tax. If what you said just now means anything it means that you are going to play fast and loose with democracy: that is, you think you are going to do something that both the people and the governing class of this country are determined you shall not do. The Conservative Party, which is ten times more really democratic than you Liberals have ever been, will carry the people with it against you. How do you propose to get over that? What are you banking on? Put your cards on the table if you really have any.

  SIR ARTHUR. Well, here is my ace of trumps. The people of this country, and of all the European countries, and of America, are at present sick of being told that, thanks to democracy, they are the real government of the country. They know very well that they dont govern and cant govern and know nothing about Government except that it always supports profiteering, and doesnt really respect anything else, no matter what party flag it waves. They are sick of twaddle about liberty when they have no liberty. They are sick of idling and loafing about on doles when they are not drudging for wages too beggarly to pay the rents of anything better than overcrowded one-room tenements. They are sick of me and sick of you and sick of the whole lot of us. They want to see something done that will give them decent employment. They want to eat and drink the wheat and coffee that the profiteers are burning because they cant sell it at a profit. They want to hang people who burn good food when people are going hungry. They cant set matters right themselves; so they want rulers who will discipline them and make them do it instead of making them do the other thing. They are ready to go mad with enthusiasm for any man strong enough to make them do anything, even if it is only Jew baiting, p
rovided it’s something tyrannical, something coercive, something that we all pretend no Englishman would submit to, though weve known ever since we gave them the vote that theyd submit to anything.

  SIR DEXTER [impatiently] Yes, yes: we know the cant of all the tuppeny-hapeny dictators who think themselves Mussolinis. Come down to tin tacks. How are you going to get it through Parliament?

  SIR ARTHUR. I am not going to get it through Parliament: I am going to prorogue Parliament and then do it. When it is done I shall call a meeting of Parliament to pass an Act of Indemnity for all my proceedings.

  SIR DEXTER. You cannot prorogue Parliament. Only the King can prorogue Parliament.