Plays Political

by Dan Laurence

  SHE. They do.

  THE JEW. Some of the greatest men have disliked the human race. But for Noah, its Creator would have drowned it. Can we deny that He had good reasons for disliking it? Can I deny that there are good reasons for disliking Jews? On the contrary, I dislike most of them myself.

  SHE. Oh, dont say that. Ive known lots of quite nice Jews. What I say is why pick on the Jews, as if they were any worse than other people?

  THE JEW. That is precisely my business here today. I find you most intelligent—most sympathetic.

  SHE. Come now! none of that. Whats the game?

  THE JEW. I have been assaulted, plundered, and driven from my native soil by its responsible ruler. I, as a ruined individual, can do nothing. But the League of Nations can act through its Committee for Intellectual Co-operation. The Committee can act through the permanent court of International Justice at the Hague, which is also an organ of the League. My business here is to ask the Committee to apply to the court for a warrant against the responsible ruler. I charge him with assault and battery, burglary—

  SHE. Burglary! Did they break into your house?

  THE JEW. I cannot speak of it. Everything I treasured. Wrecked! Smashed! Defiled! Never will I forgive: never can I forget.

  SHE. But why didnt you call the police?

  THE JEW. Mademoiselle: the police did it. The Government did it. The Dictator who controls the police is responsible before Europe! before civilization! I look to the League of Nations for redress. It alone can call unrighteous rulers to account. The initiative must be taken by its Committee for Intellectual Co-operation: that is, for the moment, by you, mademoiselle.

  SHE. But what can I do? I cant go out and collar your unrighteous ruler.

  THE JEW. No, mademoiselle. What you must do is to write to the International Court, calling on it to issue a warrant for the arrest of my oppressor on a charge of attempting to exterminate a section of the human race.

  SHE. Well, it seems like taking a lot on myself, doesnt it?

  THE JEW. Not at all. You will be acting, not for yourself, but for the intellect of Europe. I assure you it is the correct course.

  SHE. But I’m not sure that I know how to write a letter with all those police court things in it.

  THE JEW. It is quite simple. But if you will allow me I will draft the letter for you.

  SHE. Oh I say, Mister Jew, I dont like this.

  THE JEW. Then write the letter yourself. I am sure you will do it perfectly. It will be an opportunity for you to shew the Committee what you are made of.

  SHE. Well, look here. I have a particular friend, an American journalist. Would you mind if I shewed him your draft before I send it off?

  THE JEW. An American journalist! Excellent, excellent. By all means submit my draft to him and ask him to correct it if necessary. My English is German English, and may leave something to be desired.

  SHE. Yes: thatll be splendid. Thank you ever so much.

  THE JEW. Not at all. [Rising] I will bring the draft in the course of the afternoon. Au revoir, then.

  SHE. Au revoir.

  They shake hands cordially. Meanwhile the door is opened by an obstinate-looking middle-aged man of respectable but not aristocratic appearance, speaking English like a shopkeeper from the provinces, or perhaps, by emigration, the dominions.

  NEWCOMER. Can I see the boss, miss?

  SHE [with haughty nonchalance in a would-be distinguished accent startlingly unlike her unaffected deference to the gentlemanlike Jew] I am sorry. Our chiefs are scattered over Europe, very eminent persons, you know. Can I do anything?

  NEWCOMER [looking at the Jewish gentleman] I’m afraid I’m interrupting.

  THE JEW. Not at all: my business is finished. [Clicking his heels and bowing] Until the afternoon, mademoiselle. Monsieur—[He bows to the newcomer, and goes out].

  SHE. You can sit down.

  NEWCOMER. I will keep you only a minute, miss. [He sits and takes out some notes he has made].

  SHE. Be as quick as you can, please. I am busy this morning.

  NEWCOMER. Yes: you have the brainwork of the world on your shoulders here. When any of the nations goes off the rails, this is the place to have it put back. Thats so, isnt it?

  SHE [with aplomb] Undoubtedly.

  NEWCOMER. Well, it’s like this. In my country weve had an election. We thought it lay between our usual people: the National Party and the Labor Party; but it was won by an upstart kind of chap who called himself a Business Democrat. He got a clear majority over the Nationals and the Labor Party; so it was up to him to form a Government. And what do you suppose the fellow did when he became Prime Minister?

  SHE [bored] Cant imagine, I’m sure.

  NEWCOMER. He said he had been returned to power as a business democrat, and that the business part of it meant that he was not to waste time, but to get the nation’s work done as quickly as possible.

  SHE. Quite, quite. Nothing to complain of in that, is there?

  NEWCOMER. Wait. I’m going to astonish you. He said the country had decided by its democratic vote that it should be governed by him and his party for the next five years, and that no opposition could be tolerated. He said the defeated minority must step down and out instead of staying there to obstruct and delay and annoy him. Of course the Opposition werent going to stand that: they refused to leave the Chamber. So he adjourned the House until next day; and when the Opposition turned up the police wouldnt let them in. Most of them couldnt get as far as the doors, because the Prime Minister had organized a body of young men called the Clean Shirts, to help the police.

  SHE. Well?

  NEWCOMER. Well!!! Is that all you have to say to me?

  SHE. What do you expect me to say? It seems all right to me. It’s what any man of business would do. Wouldnt you?

  NEWCOMER. Of course I should do it in business; but this is politics.

  SHE. Well! arnt politics business?

  NEWCOMER. Of course theyre not. Just the opposite. You know that, dont you?

  SHE. Oh, quite, quite.

  NEWCOMER. What I say is, business methods are business methods; and parliamentary methods are parliamentary methods.

  SHE [brightly] “And never the twain shall meet,” as Kipling puts it.

  NEWCOMER. No: I dont hold with Kipling. Too imperialist for me. I’m a democrat.

  SHE. But not a business democrat, if I follow you.

  NEWCOMER. No, no: not a business democrat. A proper democrat. I’m all for the rights of minorities.

  SHE. But I always thought that democracy meant the right of the majority to have its way.

  NEWCOMER. Oh no: that would be the end of all liberty. You have nothing to say against liberty, I hope.

  SHE. I have nothing to say against anything. I am not here to discuss politics with everyone who walks into my office. What do you want?

  NEWCOMER. Well, heres a Prime Minister committing high treason and rebellion and breach of privilege; levying armed forces against the Crown; violating the constitution; setting up a dictatorship and obstructing the lawful ingress of duly elected members to the legislative Chamber. Whats to be done with him?

  SHE. Quite simple. I shall apply to the International Court at the Hague for a warrant for his arrest on all those charges. You can look in at the end of the week, when the answer from the Hague will have arrived. You will supply me with the man’s name and the particulars—

  NEWCOMER [putting his notes on the table before her] Here they are, miss. By Gosh, thats a splendid idea.

  SHE. Thank you. That is all. Good morning.

  NEWCOMER [rising and going to the door] Well, you know how to do business here: theres no mistake about that. Good morning, miss.

  As he is going out the door opens in his face; and a widow comes in: a Creole lady of about forty, with the remains of a gorgeous and opulent southern beauty. Her imposing style and dress at once reduce the young lady of the office to nervous abjection.

  THE WIDOW. Are
you the president of the Intellectual Co-operation Committee of the League of Nations?

  NEWCOMER. No, maam. This lady will do all you require [he goes out].

  THE WIDOW. Am I to take that seriously? My business is important. I came here to place it before a body of persons of European distinction. I am not prepared to discuss it with an irresponsible young woman.

  SHE. I am afraid I dont look the part, do I? I am only the staff, so to speak. Still, anything I can do I shall be most happy.

  THE WIDOW. But where are your chiefs?

  SHE. Ah, there you have me. They live all over the world, as you might say.

  THE WIDOW. But do they not come here to attend to their business?

  SHE. Well, you see, there is really nothing for them to attend to. It’s only intellectual business, you know.

  THE WIDOW. But do they not take part in the Assembly of the League?

  SHE. Some of them have been, once. Nobody ever goes to the Assembly twice if they can help it.

  THE WIDOW. But I must see somebody—somebody of importance.

  SHE. Well, I’m sorry. Theres nobody but me. I can do whatever is necessary. Did you by any chance want a warrant from the International Court at the Hague?

  THE WIDOW. Yes: that is exactly what I do want. A death warrant.

  SHE. A what?!!

  THE WIDOW. A death warrant. I will sit down, if you will allow me.

  SHE. Oh please—

  THE WIDOW [sitting down] Do you see that? [She takes an automatic pistol from her bag, and throws it on the table].

  SHE. Oh, thats not allowed in Geneva. Put it up quick. Somebody might come in.

  THE WIDOW [replacing the pistol in her bag] This is the most absurd place. In my country everybody carries a gun.

  SHE. What country, may I ask?

  THE WIDOW. The Republic of the Earthly Paradise.

  SHE. My mother has a school prize called The Earthly Paradise. What a coincidence!

  THE WIDOW. Then you know that the Earthly Paradise is one of the leading States in the world in culture and purity of race, and that its capital contained more than two thousand white inhabitants before the last revolution. There must be still at least fifteen hundred left.

  SHE. But is it a member of the League?

  THE WIDOW. Of course it is. And allow me to remind you that by its veto it can put a stop to all action by the League until its affairs are properly attended to.

  SHE. Can it? I didnt know that. Of course I shall be only too pleased to apply for a warrant; but I’d rather not call it a death warrant. Death warrant sounds a bit thick, if you understand me. All you need do is to give me a list of the charges you make against—well, against whoever it is.

  THE WIDOW. Simply one charge of the wilful murder of my late husband by the President of the Earthly Paradise.

  SHE. Surely if a president kills anyone it’s an execution; but if anyone kills a president it’s an assassination.

  THE WIDOW. And is not that just the state of things the League of Nations is here to put a stop to?

  SHE. Oh, dont ask me. All I know about the League is that it pays my salary. Just give me the gentleman’s name and who he murdered. Murder stories are thrillingly interesting.

  THE WIDOW. You would not think so if you lived in a country where there is at least one murder in every family.

  SHE. What an awful place! Is it as barbarous as that?

  THE WIDOW. Barbarous! Certainly not. The Earthly Paradise is the most civilized country in the world. Its constitution is absolutely democratic: every president must swear to observe it in every particular. The Church is abolished: no moral authority is recognized except that of the people’s will. The president and parliament are elected by adult suffrage every two years. So are all the judges and all the officials, even the road sweepers. All these reforms, which have made The Earthly Paradise the most advanced member of the League of Nations, were introduced by my late husband the sixth president. He observed the constitution strictly. The elections were conducted with absolute integrity. The ballot was secret. The people felt free for the first time in their lives. Immediately after the elections the budget was passed providing for two years. My husband then prorogued the Parliament until the end of that period, and governed the country according to his own ideas whilst the people enjoyed themselves and made money in their own ways without any political disturbances or arguments. He was re-elected three times, and is now known in the Paradise as the father of his country.

  SHE. But you said he was murdered, and that the president murdered him. How could that be if he was the president? He couldnt murder himself.

  THE WIDOW. Unhappily he had certain weaknesses. He was an affectionate husband: I may even say an uxorious one; but he was very far from being faithful to me. When he abolished the Church he would have abolished marriage also if public opinion would have stood for it. And he was much too indulgent to his enemies. Naturally, whenever he won an election his opponent raised an army and attempted a revolution; for we are a high spirited race and do not submit to the insult of defeat at the polls. But my husband was a military genius. He had no difficulty in putting down these revolutions; but instead of having his opponent shot in the proper and customary way, he pardoned him and challenged him to try again as often as he pleased. I urged him again and again not to trifle with his own safety in this way. Useless: he would not listen to me. At last I found out the reason. He was carrying on an intrigue with his opponent’s wife, my best friend. I had to shoot her—shoot her dead—my dearest friend [she is overcome with emotion].

  SHE. Oh, you shouldnt have done that. That was going a little too far, wasnt it?

  THE WIDOW. Public opinion obliged me to do it as a selfrespecting wife and mother. God knows I did not want to do it: I loved her: I would have let her have ten husbands if I had had them to give. But what can you do against the etiquette of your class? My brothers had to fight duels and kill their best friends because it was etiquette.

  SHE. But where were the police? Werent you tried for it?

  THE WIDOW. Of course I was tried for it; but I pleaded the unwritten law and was acquitted. Unfortunately the scandal destroyed my husband’s popularity. He was defeated at the next election by the man he had so foolishly spared. Instead of raising an army to avenge this outrage, my husband, crushed by the loss of his mistress, just moped at home until they came and shot him. They had come to shoot me; and [with afresh burst of tears] I wish to Heaven they had; but I was out at the time; so they thought they might as well shoot my husband as there was nobody else to shoot.

  SHE. What a dreadful thing for you!

  THE WIDOW. Not at all. It served him right, absolutely. He never spoke to me after I had to kill the woman we both loved more than we loved oneanother. I believe he would have been only too glad if they had shot me; and I dont blame him. What is the use of the League of Nations if it cannot put a stop to such horrors?

  SHE. Well, it’s not the League’s business, is it?

  THE WIDOW. Not the League’s business! Do you realize, young woman, that if the League does not bring the murderer of my husband to justice my son will be obliged to take up a blood feud and shoot the murderer with his own hands, though they were at the same school and are devoted to oneanother ? It is against Nature, against God: if your committee does not stop it I will shoot every member of it, and you too. [She rises]. Excuse me. I can bear no more of this: I shall faint unless I get into the fresh air. [She takes papers and a card from her bag and throws them on the table]. There are the particulars. This is my card. Good morning. [She goes as abruptly as she came in].

  SHE. [rising] Good—

  But the widow has gone and the young office lady, greatly upset, drops back into her seat with a prolonged Well!!!!!

  A smart young American gentleman looks in.

  THE GENTLEMAN. Say, baby: who is the old girl in the mantilla? Carmen’s grandmother, eh? [He sits on the table edge, facing her, on her right].

 
SHE. A murderess. Her dearest friend. She had to. Horrible. Theyve shot her husband. She says she will shoot me unless the League stops it.

  HE. Grand! Fine!

  SHE. Is that all you care? Well, look at my morning’s work! Persecutions, revolutions, murders, all sorts. The office has been full of people all the morning. We shant have it all to ourselves any more.

  HE. No, baby; but I shall have some dough to spend. I have been kicking my heels here for months faking news for my people when there was no news. And here you hand me a mouthful. What a scoop for me, honey! You are a peach. [He kisses her].