Plays Political

by Dan Laurence

  BBDE. Ernest: you have done this without consulting me. I warned you a year ago, when you were negotiating with a relative of Sir Orpheus here, that I could not afford another war.

  FLANCO. Neither can I.

  All sit down gradually, greatly relieved, except Battler.

  BATTLER [rising in great agitation] Bardo: are you going to betray me? Remember the axis. Dare you break it?

  BBDE. Damn the axis! Do you suppose I am going to ruin my country to make you emperor of the universe? You should know me better [He resumes his seat majestically].

  BATTLER. This is the most shameless betrayal in human history. General Flanco : you owe your victory to my aid. Will you be such a monster of ingratitude as to desert me now?

  FLANCO. I owe my victory equally to the aid of Signor Bombardone and to the masterly non-intervention policy of Sir Orpheus Midlander. I cannot prove ungrateful to either of them.

  BATTLER. Well, traitors as you are, I can do without you. I can conquer Ruritania single-handed, no thanks to either of you. But where should I be if the British were not afraid to fight. Fortunately for me they do not believe in what they call brute force. [He sits].

  SIR O. [rising] Pardon me. It is true that we abhor brute force, and are willing to make any sacrifice for the sake of peace—or almost any sacrifice. We understood that this was your attitude also. But I had the honor of informing you explicitly—very explicitly, Mr Battler—that Ruritania is, so to speak, our little sister, and that if you laid a finger on her we should—pardon me if in my indignant surprise at your breach of the peace I am unable to adhere to the language of diplomacy—we should be obliged to knock the stuffing out of you. That is our British method of meeting brute force.

  BATTLER. What! You will fight?

  SIR O. Fight, Mr Battler! We shall wipe you off the face of the earth. [He resumes his seat].

  BATTLER. Then I am alone: contra mundum. Well, I have never failed yet.

  FLANCO. Because you have never fought yet.

  BATTLER. We shall see. I shall sweep through Ruritania like a hurricane.

  COMMISSAR. Do so by all means, Comrade Battler. When you have finished you will settle with me how much of it you may keep.

  BATTLER. What! You too! So the encirclement is complete.

  SIR ORPHEUS. No! I cannot permit that expression. Outflanked if you like. Hemmed in if you will have it so. I will even go so far as to say surrounded. But encircled, NO.

  NEWCOMER. It puts the kybosh on Battlerism anyhow.

  The telephone rings again.

  ALL EXCEPT THE JUDGE. Hush. Let us hear the news. The news. The news. [They listen with strained attention]. Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-.

  JUDGE. What? Say that again: I must take it down: I do not understand. [Writing as he listens] “Astronomers report that the orbit of the earth is jumping to its next quantum. Message received at Greenwich from three American observatories. Humanity is doomed.” Thank you. Goodbye. Can anyone explain this? Why is humanity doomed?

  SECRETARY. It is intelligible enough, and very serious indeed.

  JUDGE. It is not intelligible to me. Will you kindly explain?

  SECRETARY. The orbit of the earth is the path in which it travels round the sun. As the sun is 93 million miles distant it takes us a year to get round.

  JUDGE. We all know that. But the message says that the orbit is jumping to its next quantum. What does quantum mean?

  SECRETARY. When orbits change they dont change gradually. They suddenly jump by distances called quantums or quanta. Nobody knows why. If the earth is jumping to a wider orbit it is taking us millions of miles further away from the sun. That will take us into the awful cold of space. The icecaps that we have on the north and south poles will spread over the whole earth. Even the polar bears will be frozen stiff. Not a trace of any sort of life known to us will be possible on this earth.

  THE JEW [rising and hurrying to the door] Excuse me.

  COMMISSAR. No use running away, my friend. The icecap will overtake you wherever you go.

  SECRETARY. Let him alone. The shock has made him ill.

  THE JEW. No: not that. I must telephone [he goes out].

  JUDGE [rising] Fellow citizens: this is the end. The end of war, of law, of leaders and foreign secretaries, of judges and generals. A moment ago we were important persons: the fate of Europe seemed to depend on us. What are we now? Democracy, Fascism, Communism : how much do they matter? Your totalitarian Catholic Church: does it still seem so very totalitarian?

  FLANCO. Do not blaspheme at such a moment, sir. You tell us that nothing matters. Ten minutes ago the judgment of God seemed far off: now we stand at the gates of purgatory. We have to organize absolution for millions of our people; and we have barely priests enough to do it, even if we have no converts to deal with; and we shall have many converts. We Catholics know what to do; and I have no more time to spend trifling here with men who know nothing and believe nothing. [He moves towards the door. He stops to hear Sir O.]

  SIR O. One moment, I beg of you. This rumor must be contradicted at all costs.

  COMMISSAR. How can you contradict a scientific fact?

  SIR O. It must be contradicted—officially contradicted. Think of the consequences if it is believed! People will throw off all decency, all prudence. Only the Jews, with the business faculty peculiar to their race, will profit by our despair. Why has our Jewish friend just left us? To telephone, he said. Yes; but to whom is he telephoning? To his stockbroker, gentlemen. He is instructing his stockbroker to sell gilt-edged in any quantity, at any price, knowing that if this story gets about before settling day he will be able to buy it for the price of waste paper and be a millionaire until the icecap overtakes him. It must not be. I will take the necessary steps in England. The Astronomer Royal will deny this story this afternoon. You two gentlemen must see to it at once that it is officially denied in your countries.

  COMMISSAR. Suppose your Astronomer Royal refuses to tell a lie. Remember: he is a man of science, not a politician.

  SIR O. He is an Englishman, sir, and has some common sense. He will do his duty. Can I depend on the rest of you gentlemen?

  BBDE. Can you depend on the icecap? I must go home at once. There will be a rush to the equator. My country stands right in the way of that rush. I must stop it at our frontier at any cost.

  COMMISSAR. Why ? Will it matter?

  BBDE. I will not tolerate disorder. I will not tolerate fear. We shall die decently, stoically, steadfast at our posts, like Romans. Remember: we shall not decay: we shall stand to all eternity in cold storage. When we are discovered by some explorer from another star or another race that can live and breathe at absolute zero, he shall find my people erect at their posts like the Pompeian sentinel. You also, Ernest, must—What! Crying!! For shame, man! The world looks to us for leadership. Shall it find us in tears?

  BATTLER. Let me alone. My dog Blonda will be frozen to death. My doggie! My little doggie! [He breaks down, sobbing convulsively].

  NEWCOMER. Oh, come, old man. Dont take it so hard. I used to keep dogs myself; but I had to give it up: I couldnt bear the shortness of their lives. Youd have had to lose your little doggie some day.

  Battler takes out his handkerchief and controls himself; but the Deaconess bursts into tears.

  BEGONIA. Oh for God’s sake, dont you start crying. You will set us all off. It’s hard enough on us without that.

  THE SECRETARY. Yes, maam. Take your trouble to Jesus; and set all the women a good example.

  DEACONESS. But in heaven I shall lose my Jesus. There He will be a king; and there will be no more troubles and sorrows and sins to bring to Him. My life has been so happy since I found Him and came to Him a year ago! He made heaven for me on earth; and now that is all over. I cannot bear it. [Her tears overcome her].

  NEWCOMER. Oh come come! This wont do, you know. All you people seem to think you were going to live for ever. Well, you werent. Our numbers are up; but so they were before, sooner or later. I dont comp
lain: I havnt had such a bad time of it; and I am ready to depart, as the poet says, if it must be. In fact I must depart now and cheer up the missus. [He rises to go].

  DEACONESS. Oh, sir, do you believe this? May it not be untrue?

  NEWCOMER [gravely] No: it’s true all right enough. If it were a priest’s tale or a superstition out of the Bible I shouldnt give a snap of my fingers for it. But Science cannot be wrong. Weve got to face it. Good morning, gents.

  The Newcomer goes out; and his departure breaks up the court. The Leaders and the General rise and come forward together.

  DEACONESS [to Flanco] Oh, General, is Science always right?

  FLANCO. Certainly not: it is always wrong. But I await the decision of the Church. Until that is delivered the story has no authority.

  SIR O. May I suggest that you use all your influence at Rome to obtain an immediate decision from the Church against this story?

  FLANCO. You shock me. The Church cannot be influenced. It knows the truth as God knows it, and will instruct us accordingly. Anyone who questions its decision will be shot. My business is to see to that. After absolution, of course. Good morning. [He goes out].

  WIDOW. He at least has something to offer to men about to die.

  COMMISSAR. Dope.

  JUDGE. Why not, if they die comforted?

  BATTLER. Men must learn to die undeluded.

  BBDE. Flanco is dead; but he does not know it. History would have kicked him out were not History now on its deathbed.

  BEGONIA. I must say I thought the general a perfect gentleman. I never wanted to kick him while he was speaking. I wanted to kick you two all the time.

  THE BETROTHED. Steady, Gonny, steady! Mustnt be rude, you know.

  BEGONIA. Oh, what does it matter now? As we shall all be frozen stiff presently we may as well have the satisfaction of speaking our minds until then.

  THE BETROTHED. Take it easy, dear. Have a choc. BEGONIA. No, thank you.

  THE BETROTHED. I say, Uncle O: this is the first time she has ever refused a choc.

  SIR O. Our valuations have changed, naturally.

  THE BETROTHED. Mine havnt. You know, uncle, I think theres something in your notion of selling out and having a tremendous spree before the icecaps nip us. How does that strike you, Gonny?

  BEGONIA. I dont pretend it might not have appealed to me before I represented Intellectual Co-operation. But I am a Dame of the British Empire now; and if I must die I will die like a Dame. [She goes out].

  SIR O. Go with her, sir. And mind you behave yourself.

  THE BETROTHED. Well, it does seem rather a pity. However—[He shrugs resignedly and goes out].

  SIR O. [to the Commissar] Do you, sir, understand what is going to happen? My classical education did not include science.

  COMMISSAR. I await instructions. The Marxian dialectic does not include the quantum theory. I must consult Moscow. [He goes out].

  SIR O. Have these men no minds of their own? One of them must consult Rome: the other must consult Moscow. You two gentlemen fortunately have no one but yourselves to consult. Can I rely on you to do your utmost to stifle this appalling news while I return to London to consult the Cabinet?

  BBDE. You can rely on nothing but this. The news has just been broadcast to all the world through the arrangements made for publicity in this court. According to you, the result will be that the people will throw off all decency and repudiate all leadership. I say that the people will want a leader as they have never wanted one before. I have taught them to order their lives: I shall teach them to order their deaths. The magnitude of the catastrophe is the measure of the leader’s greatness.

  SIR O. You always have a speech which sounds equal to the occasion. In England that gift would make you Prime Minister. But your very excitable countrymen may run wild.

  BBDE. In that case I can do nothing but fall at the head of an attempt to stem the rush. At least one man shall stand for human courage and dignity when the race expires.

  SIR O. Yes: that is a very fine attitude and quite a correct one. But have you nothing better to propose than an attitude?

  BBDE. Has anyone anything better to propose than an attitude?

  SIR O. I suppose not; but I feel strongly that a burst of sincerity would be a great relief.

  BBDE. [to Battler] Give him his burst of sincerity, Ernest. Cry for your dog again. Good morning, gentlemen. [He goes to the door].

  BATTLER [calling after him] You will have the honor of sharing my little dog’s fate. But nobody will weep for you, Bardo.

  BBDE. I hope not. I do not deal in tears. [He strides out].

  BATTLER. What an actor!

  SECRETARY. You should be a good judge of that. You have done a good deal in that line yourself.

  BATTLER. We all have. But I claim to have done a little good with my acting. I will not have my work undone. We shall not stand in statuesque attitudes in Bardo’s manner: we shall work to the last, and set an example to the new race of iceproof men who will follow us.

  SIR O. Still, you know, it’s no use going on making motor cars that you know will never run.

  BATTLER. Yes: when the alternative is to wring our hands in despair or get drunk. We cannot work for ourselves to the last moment; but we can all work for honor. [He goes out].

  SIR O. Wonderful luck that man has! His dog will get him into all the headlines. [He goes out].

  JUDGE [to the Deaconess and the widow] Ladies: I am afraid there is nothing more to be done here.

  DEACONESS [rising] None of you understands what this means to me, because none of you has learnt how to live. You are souls in torment, as I was until six months ago. And now I must die when I have only just learnt to live. Excuse me: I cannot bear to speak of it [she goes out distractedly].

  JUDGE. She, at least, values her life.

  SECRETARY. Yes: she belongs to some movement or other.

  WIDOW [taking her pistol from her handbag and rising] I killed my best friend with this. I kept it to kill myself. It is useless now: God will execute His own judgment on us all. [she throws it into the waste paper basket]. But He is merciful; for I shall never dream again. And [to the Secretary] I do not belong to any movement.

  He bows; and she goes out.

  SECRETARY. Can you switch off?

  JUDGE [going to the table and turning a masterswitch] No one can hear us now. [Returning] Can this thing be true?

  SECRETARY. No. It is utter nonsense. If the earth made a spring to a wider orbit half a minute would carry us to regions of space where we could not breathe and our blood would freeze in our veins.

  JUDGE. Yet we all believed it for the moment.

  SECRETARY. You have nothing to do but mention the quantum theory, and people will take your voice for the voice of Science and believe anything. It broke up this farce of a trial, at all events.

  JUDGE. Not a farce, my friend. They came, these fellows. They blustered: they defied us. But they came. They came.

  * Note, however, that a sentence of extermination should never be so certain as to make it worth the delinquent’s while to avoid arrest by murdering his or her pursuers.