The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse

by Mumfrey, W. H.

  THE ALIEN INVASION

  SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

  A DEFENSE MANUAL FOR

  THE COMING EXTRATERRESTRIAL APOCALYPSE

  W.H. MUMFREY

  The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook © 2009 by Grant Murray. Manufactured in the United States of America. All rights reserved. No other part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief passages in a review. Published by HOW Books, an imprint of F+W Media, Inc., 4700 East Galbraith Road, Cincinnati, Ohio 45236. (800) 289-0963. First edition.

  For more fine books from F+W Media, visit www.fwmedia.com.

  13 12 11 10 09 5 4 3 2 1

  Distributed in Canada by Fraser Direct, 100 Armstrong Avenue, Georgetown, Ontario, Canada L7G 5S4, Tel: (905) 877-4411. Distributed in the U.K. and Europe by David & Charles Brunel House, Newton Abbot, Devon, TQ12 4PU, England, Tel: (+44) 1626-323200, Fax: (+44) 1626-323319, E-mail: postmaster@davidandcharles.co.uk. Distributed in Australia by Capricorn Link, P.O. Box 704, Windsor, NSW 2756 Australia, Tel: (02) 4577-3555

  Library of Congress Cataloging in-Publication Data

  Mumfrey, W. H.

  The alien invasion survival handbook: a defense manual for the coming extraterrestrial apocalypse / by W.H. Mumfrey.

  p. cm.

  Includes index.

  ISBN 978-1-60061-162-9 (pbk. : alk. paper)

  ISBN 13: 978-1-44030-788-1 (EPUB)

  1. Extraterrestrial beings — Humor. I. Title.

  PN6231.E97M86 2009

  818'.607 — dc22

  2008040999

  Edited by Lauren Mosko and Scott Francis

  Designed by Claudean Wheeler

  Illustrations by Ben Patrick

  Production coordinated by Greg Nock

  This book is dedicated to

  ADAM LAMPE,

  whose courage during repeated alien abductions

  is a true inspiration to humanity.

  I would like to offer my sincere thanks to the numerous people who have offered their support and dedicated their valuable time to this project, including Sara Crowe, Lauren Mosko, Amy Schell, Ben Patrick and countless others who have contributed by way of research or involvement in one of the numerous surveys.

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  INTRODUCTION

  CHAPTER 1: Know Your Enemy

  CHAPTER 2: Defense

  CHAPTER 3: Escape

  CHAPTER 4: Attack

  CHAPTER 5: Invasion

  APPENDIX A: A Brief History of Resistance

  APPENDIX B: References & Resources

  APPENDIX C: Alien Encounter Logbook

  INTRODUCTION

  Since aliens first raised their grotesque heads in H.G. Wells's 1898 novel, The War of the Worlds, we have known that when they come, it will not be in peace. And despite the valiant efforts of Hollywood producers, we know that they will not be the benevolent beings so lovingly portrayed in some movies. Their mission won't be to guide us to a higher level of consciousness or to solve our environmental woes.

  Many believe that aliens are already here and have, since the dawn of civilization, been inexorably pursing a secret agenda, destroying the lives of people around the world through a regime of abduction and intimidation. Indifferent to our concept of human rights, they have systematically exploited, probed, and violated us — and we are powerless to resist them.

  It is time to say enough is enough. We will no longer passively offer ourselves as their intergalactic lab rats. We must take action.

  This book is designed to prepare you for the battle of your life.

  But how can we possibly fight an enemy that is so ruthlessly efficient, cunningly elusive, and technologically advanced? This book provides you with the answers. In it, you will find the complete step-by-step guide to combating the extraterrestrial menace in day-to-day situations. Want to know how to block alien mind control? Escape from an alien spacecraft? Survive in the vacuum of space? Stave off an alien attack with household appliances? Locate and destroy alien implants? It's all here. Compiled from genuine field research by our network of international experts, the advice offered in this book has been tried and tested during real-life extraterrestrial encounters.

  Whether you have yet to encounter an alien or you have been the victim of repeated abductions, this book will provide you with all the necessary skills to defeat these nefarious adversaries and regain control of your life. It will be the only book you want in your back pocket when what if? becomes what the hell is that?

  For those of you who think this is all make-believe or just some elaborate hoax designed by bespectacled nerds to fill their time between Star Trek conventions, think again. Please answer the following important questions before proceeding any further with this book.

  ABDUCTION ASSESSMENT

  Have you ever:

  Had the feeling that you were being watched?

  Lost or misplaced common household items, such as TV remote controls, pens, or single socks?

  Seen unusual lights in the sky?

  Discovered mysterious scars on your body that you could not explain?

  Experienced a “lost” period of time (e.g., while driving your car) in which you didn't know where you were or what you had just done over the preceding minutes?

  Felt the sensation of flying while asleep?

  Awoken with a sudden jolt from a deep sleep?

  Woken up with a sense of a strange person or presence in the room?

  Experienced tenderness or soreness in any part of your body without knowing why?

  Felt anxious or agitated for no apparent reason?

  Had feelings of disbelief about aliens or UFOs?

  If you have answered yes to three or more of these questions, you have probably been abducted by aliens at some time in your life. Do not be alarmed. You are not the only one. A study by the U.S. based Roper Organization concluded, “one out of every fifty adult Americans may have had UFO abduction experiences.” That adds up to millions of people in the United States alone. Don't panic! Although you have been probed and violated without your knowledge or consent, you now, for the first time, have an opportunity to undo the damage you have received at the hands of our merciless interstellar visitors.

  If you answered yes to only one or two of these survey questions, it's only a matter of time before they will come for you. Don't wait until you feel their gangly fingers around your neck to prepare; act now. If you don't protect yourself and your loved ones from the alien menace, who will?

  1

  KNOW YOUR ENEMY

  If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred batter. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.

  —Sun Tzu

  CHAPTER SUMMARY

  The first step to overcoming any problem is to acknowledge the problem exists. Knowledge is power. This is never truer than when it comes to our alien adversaries. We must understand our formidable enemy before we have any chance of mounting a defense against them.

  Although aliens are more active today than at any other time in Earth's history, they are generally ignored by society, viewed as mere legends and fables, or misrepresented on the silver screen for our entertainment. This mass sense of complacency plays right into the
ir hands. The relentless human harvest that has gone on for millennia continues, unchallenged. Society fails to believe at its own peril.

  But if you are reading this book, you have the foresight to perceive the threat, and the guts to take matters into your own hands. Acknowledging the danger is only the first step toward preserving a world free of alien harassment. It is not enough just to recognize an alien if you see one in your backyard. (You don't need a book to help you do that.) To know your enemy is to be intimately acquainted with his intentions, strengths, and weaknesses. Good intelligence is a fundamental principle of any military strategy. Man's greatest fear comes from what he does not know. Once fear is eliminated, you can get down to business, vanquishing our intergalactic foes.

  Our preparations must begin by turning the tables on our adversaries and putting them under the microscope. Where do they come from? Why are they here? How are they different than us? It is important that we start by separating fact from fiction. We must peel away the layers of deceit, built over decades of misinformation, to reveal the true identity of our enemy. For it is only by so doing that we discover the chink in their armor through which they can be defeated.

  MYTH VS. REALITY

  History is littered with accounts of alien visitation (see Appendix A: A Brief History of Resistance). From the very earliest times, humans have recorded in art, word, and print the “terror which comes from the skies.” Close encounters with aliens invariably leave an indelible impression upon all those who experience them, inspiring both awe and overwhelming dread. In recent years, Hollywood has portrayed aliens in a multitude of forms, from sadistic, intergalactic monsters to cute, amiable creatures that would make the perfect family pet. Although some moviemakers have come close to the truth with their portrayal of our celestial visitors, most have presented fanciful creatures that bear no resemblance to reality. These images have clouded our perception and distracted us from an insidious presence that threatens each and every one of us.

  Truth mixed with error can create an incapacitating state of confusion. It is important that we make a clear distinction between what is pure fantasy and what could be looking in your window at this very moment.

  THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

  THE HOLLYWOOD ALIEN

  Aliens have regularly appeared on the silver screen since the very inception of cinema in the late nineteenth century. Visionary writer and director Georges Méliès first portrayed them in 1902 in the black-and-white French film Le Voyage dans la Lune (A Trip to the Moon). This silent, fourteen-minute movie, considered by many to be the first science-fiction film, was loosely based on two popular novels of the time: H.G. Wells's The First Men in the Moon (1901) and Jules Verne's From the Earth to the Moon (1865). In the film, aliens, known as Selenites, are sublunar stick-insect-like creatures that are hostile to humanity's interests.

  This theme of interspecies enmity recurs in the majority of alien films created over the last century. With such notable interstellar villains as H.R. Giger's biomechanical nightmare in Ridley Scott's Alien (1979) and the aquaphobic chameleons of M. Night Shyamalan's Signs (2002), the diverse representation of alien life-forms are united by the common goal of exploiting humanity. While the fertile minds of Hollywood are, to a large extent, responsible for much of the misinformation that exists in the community about the true nature of extraterrestrials, recent representation of “the grays” in a variety of productions has been closer to the truth than many filmmakers may care to think. If anything, Hollywood should be thanked for inadvertently raising public awareness of the threat posed by aliens.

  When it comes to depicting aliens in movies, it is important we remember that the primary focus of Hollywood is on providing the public with entertainment, not education. We must peel away the celluloid veil of deception to reveal the true nature of our extraterrestrial adversaries.

  COMMON HOLLYWOOD ALIEN MYTH-CONCEPTIONS

  For more than fifty years, Hollywood has been an unintentional source of misinformation about aliens. In an effort to scare and entertain us, they have presented a vision of extraterrestrials that draws from our most primitive fears. A plethora of fantastic cinematic images have been created that are closer to the dragons and monsters of our ancestral past than they are to reality. These fictions must be uncovered for what they are if we are to be prepared to meet an adversary far more insidious and cunning than the imagination of humans can devise.

  Aliens do not have acid for blood.

  Their young do not gestate within the human body.

  They are not benevolent spiritual beings trying to guide us to a higher plain of consciousness.

  They are not responsible for the majority of crop circles.

  They cannot “shape shift” or “morph” into other forms.

  They are not spawning hybrid alien-human babies.

  They are not responsible for mysterious disappearances of aircraft and ships in the Bermuda Triangle.

  They are not secretly colluding with government agencies.

  They cannot read your mind.

  They cannot levitate.

  They cannot materialize in your room.

  They cannot move objects with their minds.

  They were not responsible for the “face on Mars.”

  They cannot be vanquished by a glass of water.

  They do not come in peace.

  We need not fear fictional monsters conjured from the dark corners our imagination. The truth is far more disturbing and dangerous. Understanding the terrible truth is the first step to creating a safer world — a world free of extraterrestrial tyranny.

  THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK

  ALIENS 101: ANATOMY AND PHYSIOLOGY

  Late one night in 2006, a heavy-vehicle accident on the outskirts of Pine City, Minnesota, resulted in classified military documents being recovered from roadside wreckage by unnamed members of the public. These sensitive documents revealed the range and extent of government interaction with extraterrestrials over the last century. Here, for the first time, we reveal a small portion of the information contained in those recovered files. The public interest is always best served by full disclosure of the facts.

  ONE SPECIES

  Contrary to the opinions of many UFO enthusiasts, there is only one species of alien proven to be in regular contact with our planet. These have, in recent years, been popularly known as “grays,” because of their pallid skin color. There is no way of knowing what they call themselves, due to our inability to effectively communicate with them. Government authorities often refer to them as Extraterrestrial Biological Entities (EBEs).

  PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS AND ORGAN PROCESSES

  As biological entities, aliens are in many ways similar to humans. They breathe the same air we do, must take sustenance, reproduce, and die. Yet, despite the similarities, there are some very imporant fundamental differences. It is, in fact, these differences that have provided aliens with the biological advantage over us in personal combat. When these differences are fully understood, they provide the key to thwarting an enemy who has hitherto seemed invulnerable.

  IDENTIFICATION GUIDE

  HEIGHT: 3.5–4 feet

  WEIGHT: 70–80 pounds

  POSTURE: bipedal, fully erect stance and gait

  SKIN: light gray to pale blue-gray, hairless

  GENERAL DESCRIPTION: Humanoid in appearance. Large, forward-facing eyes, adapted for nocturnal lifestyle. Elongated head with large cranial cavity (2,000– 2,500 cc), poor facial mobility and vocal repertoire. Absence of external ears. Small nasal opening. Poorly developed sense of smell. Elongated neck. Long arms relative to leg size; gracile/slender. Four digits; each hand has three fingers and an opposable thumb. Feet have four toes each; all digits are without nails. Sexual monomorphism; no discernable external difference between male and female specimens.

  Sense Organs

  Sense organs are the parts of the body that receive information from the external environment and convert it
into electrical signals that can be interpreted by the brain. Humans have five basic senses: vision, hearing, touch, smell, and taste. Aliens have not only these five, but also a number of unique adaptations that must be studied with due diligence before we can confront our enemies with confidence.

  The alien eye and its sight

  Alien eyes are similar in structure to our own; they are comprised of a retina, iris, and pupil. However, alien eyes are large and dark, taking up a disproportionate percentage of their faces. Their irises are black, making them indistinguishable from their pupils, which, when fully dilated, are circular. The alien pupil can constrict to thin vertical slits to reduce the amount of damaging daylight entering the eyes. Alien eyes have a translucent nictitating membrane that moves horizontally across the eyeball, giving protection and lubrication. This is often called a “third eyelid” and is common among animals such as birds, lizards, frogs, and some mammals like cats. Humans have a remnant “third eyelid” in the inner corner of the eye. It appears as a small, pink fold of skin and is no longer functional.