Four Letter Word

by J. Daniels

  “Wild,” he said quietly.

  “And I’ve been in agony being apart. The worst pain I’ve ever felt. I reached for my phone so many times to call you,” I continued, wiping a tear from my cheek.

  “Babe,” he prompted.

  “Mm?”

  “Fuckin’ dying here.”

  I knew what he meant. Brian wanted to get to me. I’d asked him to give me space and he was at the end of his patience.

  So I told him it was okay and I did this by moving first and not doing it slowly.

  I rushed at him and not a second later he rushed at me. We collided together somewhere in the middle, Brian wrapping his arms around me and squeezing tight while I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tighter. My head was pressed to his chest, turned so I could listen to his heartbeat while his face was lowered and buried in my hair.

  “I love you,” he whispered over and over while I cried tears of joy and ones I knew were for everything we’d been through.

  And like he always did, Brian held me through it.

  When I composed myself enough to speak, I leaned back, tipped my head up, met his eyes, and said, “You’re still my boy. I didn’t really mean it when I said you weren’t. I was just—”

  He shook his head, halting my explanation.

  “You fixed it,” I blurted out, worrying he’d halt those words, too, and needing them to be heard.

  His chest moved with a breath, then he bent and pressed his lips to my forehead.

  “Yeah, baby.”

  Baby.

  I closed my eyes, moaned, and melted closer.

  “Babe.”

  “Mm?”

  “Look at me.”

  I opened my eyes.

  Brian was staring down at me, looking like the saddest boy on earth again.

  “I am so fucking sorry,” he said, his voice sounding thick as he slid his hands to my hips. “I fucked up. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be holding you right now. Doubt I ever will again. I just—”

  “Trouble,” I interrupted him.

  “Yeah?”

  “I get to decide who holds me and I’m choosing you.”

  He swallowed and kept looking into my eyes.

  “I know you’re sorry,” I continued. “I know even though I’m telling you I forgive you, you’ll keep giving me your sorry. Just know you don’t have to. I feel it. You never meant to hurt me, and I know you really thought you were protecting me. I get that now.” I placed my hand on his cheek. He leaned into it. “I get why you did it, too,” I added a little quieter.

  Brian closed his eyes, inhaled and exhaled slowly, then resumed looking at me.

  “You told them about the money,” he rasped.

  “They needed to know.”

  He bent closer. “Thank you.”

  My eyes flickered wider, and my breathing paused. Brian straightened again and kept his eyes on my face.

  I knew what he was meaning. He wasn’t thanking me for giving him recognition. He was thanking me for healing that last final piece of his soul.

  Those people didn’t blame Brian. They were grateful for his gift.

  He was finally free of that guilt.

  I closed my eyes, nuzzled his chest, and announced, figuring he needed to know my plans, “Moving back in.”

  Brian’s arm tensed around me.

  “Good. Missed you,” he replied with a smile in his voice.

  “Missed you, too,” I said. “And I wanna meet your parents.”

  “Think they’d like that.”

  “I don’t care anymore if you meet my mom. I have everything I need with the family we got here.”

  I felt Brian’s face graze the top of my head again. His breath warmed my hair.

  “You change your mind, you tell me. I’ll make that happen,” he vowed.

  I didn’t think I’d ever change my mind, but it felt good knowing Brian was with me if I did.

  Opening my eyes, I looked up to ask, “Can we dance to ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ at our wedding?”

  I had to know.

  If Brian wanted to compromise on this, I would. I loved that song but I loved Brian more.

  But I had a feeling…

  His eyes went soft as he stared back at me. I knew he was picturing that day.

  I was picturing it, too.

  Then his arm tugged me closer as his other hand came underneath my chin and tilted it back at the same time as he bent down, bringing our mouths together where he pledged, “Whatever you want, babe.”

  Whatever I want.

  He was promising. That meant it was going to happen, just like everything else he ever promised me.

  My feeling was right.

  I smiled against his lips, then I kissed him.

  And just like every other kiss Brian gave me, it was the best.

  Epilogue

  SYDNEY

  One Week Later

  “Wild, you ready?” Brian called out from somewhere in the house, most likely near the front door since he’d been waiting on me for the past twenty minutes to get changed, a task which always took me less than five, just like today, except Brian didn’t know that.

  I was making him think the task was taking longer than usual.

  “Almost!” I hollered back, then looked away from the window I was peering out of and glanced at the clock on the wall.

  It was almost six. The mail typically ran between two and two thirty.

  This was unacceptable.

  “Come on,” I whispered to the empty room, shifting on my feet, then turned my head and resumed looking out for the mail truck through the shutter blinds I was holding apart.

  “Just going to the beach. You know this, right?” Brian yelled. “Not sure what all you’re putting on back there but you only need your suit.”

  “I’m accessorizing!”

  Lie.

  Although I was finally wearing the turquoise hair wrap I’d purchased months ago, using it like a headband so it kept the hair out of my face. It was tied off at the base of my skull and then interwoven with my ponytail so it concealed the boring elastic band holding everything together.

  And like predicted, it looked amazing against my red.

  “You’re what?” Brian called back, sounding confused.

  I turned to the door.

  “Just give me another minute! I’m finishing up!” Then I turned back to the window and muttered, “Someone is not getting a Christmas card this year.”

  I was referring to our mailman.

  Today was an important day, for two reasons.

  First, Brian and I were finally going to the beach so he could get back out on the water.

  This was huge.

  I was beyond excited to leave and get him out there, but we couldn’t leave yet, hence the reason I was stalling and saying I wasn’t ready when I’d been ready for the past fifteen minutes.

  This was because of reason number two.

  Something was set to arrive in the mail today, and because of the importance of it, I didn’t want us to be gone when it arrived.

  However, I wasn’t sure how much longer I’d be able to stall. Eventually Brian would come back to the bedroom and find me ready to go, and I had a feeling my time was running out along with his patience.

  I narrowed my eyes and stared at the street.

  I liked our mailman. He was a nice guy, but he was seriously messing up my plans here.

  Life was perfect, but I knew it had the potential of becoming even more perfect for Brian, and I wanted that.

  Two days after I moved back in, Brian and I were sitting on the couch watching TV when the local news came on. The man running the adult film company Brian had been shooting for was arrested on charges of tax evasion, shutting down the operation and destroying any remaining ties Brian had to them.

  We were both happy hearing this, although I was more relieved than anything. I hated knowing that place was around, and after hearing Brian tell me everything that happened
during our three days apart, what all he went through to get the videos taken down and learning about that scumbag owner, I wanted to punch him in the face myself.

  Now he was in jail, and he would be for a very long time.

  Brian was completely free of that monster, and knowing there was no risk of us ever running into Mike, he was loving life.

  And he was about to love it even more if the damn mail would ever come.

  Footsteps turned my head as they grew louder in the hallway.

  Shit!

  “Babe, seriously, whatever you’re wearing, I’m sure is fine.” Brian’s voice carried with his steps.

  I sucked in a breath, looked back at the street, and saw the white and blue mail truck making its way toward our house.

  “Coming!” I yelled, crossing the room and yanking the door open. “The mail is here. Let’s grab it before we head out,” I suggested casually, darting past him where he stood in the hallway and briefly catching his eyes.

  “What the hell were you doing in there?” he asked at my back.

  “I told you. Accessorizing.” I glanced over my shoulder and saw he was moving this way now, eyeing me suspiciously. “The wrap was complicated,” I threw out.

  Lie.

  I spun around and walked backward.

  His eyes went to my hair. “I like it. Looks good on you,” he said, moving in my direction.

  My cheeks warmed.

  “Thanks,” I replied, giving him a wink, then I spun around when I reached the foyer. “Sir, get back.” I eased my puppy out of the way and wrenched the front door open, darted outside, jogged across the lawn, and waved at the mailman as he pulled up in front of our house.

  “You’re late,” I scoffed as I took the mail he was holding out, then I didn’t linger and spun back around, jogged across the lawn again, jumped up onto the porch, and rushed inside.

  “Come on. Let’s look through this real quick and then we’ll head out,” I proposed, my breaths coming hurriedly and rushing the words out of my mouth.

  I crossed the room and moved into the kitchen, stepped up to the island, dropped the mail on the counter, and then whirled around, waiting for Brian to join me.

  He followed but he did it leisurely. My foot was tapping when he finally entered the room.

  “You’re acting weird,” he pointed out, coming to stand beside me.

  “No, I’m not,” I argued, even though I knew he was right.

  I was never this eager about checking the mail. It only ever contained bills.

  I fished through the envelopes and sale flyers.

  “I’m hoping my new Target Red Card is in here. I want to start earning my five percent off.”

  Lie.

  “That couldn’t wait until after we got back from the beach?” Brian asked.

  I turned my head and looked at him, my hands stilling their search.

  “I might want to stop on our way home and pick something up,” I explained, committing to my story. “And I’ll be upset if we do that and then get home and my card was here waiting for me. Five percent is five percent.”

  His mouth twitched.

  “You’re a cute liar, Wild.”

  I narrowed my eyes.

  “Thank you, but I’m not lying,” I lied. “Now, if you don’t mind…” I turned my head back to the counter and resumed fishing through the mail, ignoring Brian’s deep, muted chuckle, then spotted the envelope I was looking for. “Here!” I picked it up, swiveled, and held it out for Brian to take.

  “That’s not from Target,” he stated, taking the envelope and studying it.

  It was addressed to him and had a P.O. box for the return. No name for the sender.

  I tilted my head with a smile.

  “I’m a cute liar. What can I say?” I shrugged, watching the slow shake of his head. “Open it.”

  “You know what this is?”

  I nodded and grabbed a stray lock of hair and started twirling it while Brian ripped open the envelope and pulled out the contents—a folded piece of paper and a check.

  “Holy fuck,” he muttered, looking at the check first. His eyes lifted to mine.

  “Read the letter.” I tapped the folded paper in his hand.

  Brian sat the check down on the counter and unfolded the letter, then he proceeded to read it, breathing slowly and evenly then quicker and a little stressed, not anxious, more like when you’re excited about something.

  When he reached the end of the letter, all of the air left his lungs in a pant.

  He lifted his eyes to me again. They were round now, the whites swallowing up his green. He looked shocked.

  “Wild, you knew?” he asked, stepping closer.

  I took the letter from him.

  “I did,” I said, placing the letter on the counter next to the check, then looking up at Brian. “They wanted to make sure we’d be home when they mailed this.”

  Brian stared at me. His lips were slightly parted and he was back to breathing slow.

  I stepped closer until our fronts were touching and placed my hands on his chest.

  “That money you gave when you sold to Jamie, Owen’s parents barely tapped into it, and because of you and everything you’d already given them, they don’t have use for this money. It’s yours, Brian. They wanted you to have it back.”

  “But…” His eyes slid to the check, then back to my face, as his hands held my hips. “They’re caught up? They’re good? You’re sure?”

  “I’m sure,” I replied, tipping my chin up. “You did an amazing thing, helping them. They appreciated it so much.”

  I watched his neck work with a swallow.

  “What do you want to do with the money?” I asked.

  “I don’t know. I don’t need it.”

  “Can I make a suggestion?”

  He looked at my mouth, nodding.

  “You could be part owner of Wax again.”

  He contemplated this for all of two seconds, then argued, “I’m fine with just working there.”

  “But you said it was your dream growing up.”

  His hands slid around to my back and he jerked me closer.

  “I’m holding my fuckin’ dream,” he muttered, tilting his head down and smiling lazily.

  My heart fluttered. And wouldn’t you know it, the flip and twist happened.

  “You give me butterflies,” I shared, sounding breathless, watching his lazy smile grow so it lifted both sides of his mouth now. “And I love being your dream, but I want you to have all of your dreams, Brian, just like you’ve given me all of mine.”

  His eyes went soft and absorbing. Then he pulled in a slow breath, let it out while looking over at the check again, thought for a beat, and optioned, “What about something in memory of Owen? Like a fund or something?” He looked at me. “Might be able to put something together with Mona, the woman who runs the riding place. Have a thing set up so families who can’t afford it can get the therapy. I don’t know. Is that dumb?”

  I sucked on my lip to keep it from trembling.

  My boy had the most selfless heart in the world. I was sure of it.

  “No,” I said quickly, fighting against my emotions, sliding my hands around his neck and squeezing there. “No, that’s not dumb at all. That’s sweet, Trouble.”

  His lip twitched.

  “But it’s a lot of money,” I reminded him, feeling strongly about my suggestion. “You could set up that fund and still keep some for yourself.”

  “And buy back part of Wax?” His eyebrow lifted.

  “Why not? Do you think Jamie will let you?”

  Brian breathed a laugh, replying, “Yeah, I do. He fucking hated me selling out.”

  “Is he coming to the beach? You could ask him about it tonight.”

  “Not sure,” he replied. “Said he was getting dinner first at Whitecaps, and depending on if your girl was working, he might hang out there for a while and nag her.”

  I smiled big.

  “She’s working.”


  Brian shook his head.

  I ignored that because he knew where I stood on the situation and I knew where he stood. And we had more important things to talk about right now.

  “So.” I stood on my toes and moved in to give him my mouth. “You decided then?”

  I loved Brian’s idea for the money but I was hoping he would do something for himself with it, too.

  If anyone deserved all of their dreams, it was him.

  “Yeah,” he whispered, sliding his lips along mine and kissing me slow and sweet. “I’ll contact Mona and talk to Jamie.”

  I closed my eyes and took that kiss, going harder and deeper when I couldn’t help it anymore.

  I was the happiest girl in the world.

  Brian was getting all of his dreams, just like I had all of mine.

  My heart couldn’t wait.

  They hate each other. They want each other.

  And now they need each other.

  Don’t miss J. Daniels’s stunning next installment of the Dirty Deeds series featuring Tori and Jamie!

  HIT THE SPOT

  Available Winter 2016

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  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  Copyright © 2016 by J. Daniels

  Cover image © mast3r/masterfile

  Cover design by m80

  Cover copyright © 2016 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

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