Man with a Pan
Page 12
Bathed in the baleful red light of the coals. A deeper fire has been set within him …
CUT TO:
INT. DINING ROOM
ANGLE ON - THE COOKED BURGERS. The most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen since the dawn of time.
Lorelei and Stanley are shocked at how good they taste.
MARC
(Enthusiastically)
So?
LORELEI
(Cautiously)
It’s great, sweetheart. But don’t you think this meal is a little …
MARC
A little what?
STANLEY’S FINGER
EVIL!
LORELEI
I was going to say “high in fat.”
MARC
(Devastated)
But I made it special for you guys.
LORELEI
I know, honey. But next time, why not cook something healthy? Like chicken.
Marc’s mouth twitches.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM
Filled with steam. Marc’s in the shower, muttering angrily.
MARC
(Mimicking Lorelei)
… “Why don’t you make chicken? Why don’t you stop drinking? Why don’t you give up Internet porn?” Jesus, what does she want from me … ?!
Marc steps out … and again finds the Psycho Grill 1000 standing by the sink.
Words have been written on the steamy mirror: HOW ABOUT SOME REAL CHICKEN? Another RECIPE follows …
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - SERIES OF SHOTS
Marc takes 1 1/2 CUPS OF KOSHER SALT, 2 CUPS OF BROWN SUGAR, 3 TABLESPOONS OF CHOPPED GARLIC, and 1 TABLESPOON OF PEPPER and mixes it in a pot with 3 QUARTS OF WATER.
Into this bring he puts a WHOLE 6-POUND CHICKEN (remembering, of course, to pull out the package of giblets and the neck inside).
He stays up all night as the chicken marinates for 12 TO 24 HOURS.
He takes the chicken out of the brine, washes it off.
He rubs it inside and out with GARLIC-INFUSED OIL.
Finally, he takes a 16-OUNCE CAN OF BEER and pours ⅔rds of it out. He sets the chicken upright on top of the can, working the can halfway into the rear of the bird.
The chicken now looks like it’s sitting on a throne. Its legs and the beer can form a TRIPOD so it can be cooked upright.
ANGLE ON - THE GRILL
Marc again lights the coals, letting them burn down. This time, however, he pushes half of them to the left, and the other half to the right, leaving a bare space in the middle. In this bare space, he places an aluminum DRIP PAN.
He has now set his grill up for INDIRECT GRILLING!
He then takes 1 CUP OF WOOD CHIPS (cherry or apple, no mesquite), which he has soaked in water for 1 HOUR. He spreads them over the hot coals. Plumes of rich-smelling woodsmoke rise up.
He replaces the metal grate. He puts the chicken upright on top of the grate right over the drip pan.
He closes the grill’s lid and cooks the chicken for roughly 2 HOURS (20 minutes per pound) at 300 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. He KEEPS THE LID CLOSED, only opening it once or twice to baste the chicken with the garlic-infused oil.
CUT TO:
A MEAT THERMOMETER in the chicken, reading 180 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.
REVEAL the BEER-CAN CHICKEN, now cooked to a crisp, delicious mahogany.
ANGLE ON - MARC’S FACE. Filled with emotion. He has seen the face of God …
CUT TO:
EXT. INCREDIBLY ISOLATED HOTEL RESORT - DAY
A month later. The entire area is snowed in.
REVEAL Lorelei snowshoeing with Stanley. They are moving at a brisk pace.
STANLEY
Can’t we slow down?
LORELEI
No can do, tiger. We’ve got to work off the calories from your dad’s cooking.
STANLEY
He’s not getting much exercise.
LORELEI
That’s not true, Stanley. Your father’s working very, very hard …
CUT TO:
INT. TV ROOM - HOTEL RESORT
Marc, now a good 200 pounds heavier, munches on a bucket of freshly cooked chicken wings as he watches football.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - HOTEL RESORT
Marc and Lorelei make love. The bed strains terribly at Marc’s weight.
A timer BEEPS. Marc abruptly gets off the bed.
LORELEI
What are you doing?!
MARC
I gotta put my pork shoulder in the apple vinegar marinade …
Lorelei grabs him.
LORELEI
Marc, you have to stop. This grilling has gotten out of control …
MARC
I’m not just grilling, woman. I’m barbecuing.
LORELEI
It’s the same damn thing!
MARC
(Incensed)
Are you blind?! Grilling is cooking meat quickly over high heat. Barbecuing is cooking slowly over low, indirect heat! THEY’RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT … !!!
A sudden pain rips through Marc’s chest. He clutches his heart. Lorelei rushes to him.
LORELEI
Honey, please. You need help.
MARC
I need to MARINATE!
Marc pushes her away and storms out.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN
Marc paces, distraught, before tubs of marinating meat.
The Psycho Grill 1000 speaks to him in a DEMONIC VOICE.
PSYCHO GRILL 1000
They don’t love you like I do, Marc.
MARC
That’s not true! If I could just find a way to make them understand …
PSYCHO GRILL 1000
There is.
The Psycho Grill ominously wheels itself over to him.
PSYCHO GRILL 1000 (CONT’D)
Beef, chicken -- they’re all small fry. It’s time to put childish things away. To be a true pit master, you have to confront the ultimate challenge …
The Psycho Grill’s lid opens, revealing TWO HUGE SLABS OF PORK SPARERIBS inside.
MARC
(In religious awe)
The Ribbing …
The kitchen door SLAMS, locking Marc inside.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - SERIES OF SHOTS
Marc goes through his final ordeal.
He takes 6 POUNDS (2 SLABS) OF PORK SPARERIBS and stabs the meaty sides repeatedly with a fork.
He covers the ribs with 2 CUPS OF PLAIN YOGURT, massaging it into the meat. This acts as a tenderizer.
He lets the yogurt-covered ribs marinate overnight.
The next morning, he washes the yogurt off the ribs.
He then makes the SECOND MARINADE. In a bowl, he combines 2 CUPS OF KETCHUP, 2 CUPS OF DR PEPPER (regular, NOT diet), 1 CUP OF BROWN SUGAR, 1/4 CUP OF HONEY, 1/4 CUP OF APPLE JUICE, and 1/2 CUP SOY SAUCE.
To this mix, he adds 1 TABLESPOON OF ONION POWDER, 1 TEASPOON OF WHITE PEPPER, and, if he likes it spicy, CHILI POWDER and CAYENNE PEPPER to taste.
He whisks the marinade together till it’s well blended. He places the ribs in a nonreactive container and covers them with the marinade.
He lets the ribs marinate for 24 OR MORE HOURS.
He takes the ribs from the marinade and DRAINS THEM THOROUGHLY.
Marc then makes a quick DRY RUB by combining 1/4 CUP OF PAPRIKA, 2 TABLESPOONS OF SALT, and 2 TABLESPOONS OF BROWN SUGAR.
He massages the rub vigorously into the ribs.
Now he sets up the grill for INDIRECT GRILLING (the same as he did for the chicken). He puts a drip pan in the middle, throws soaked wood chips on the coals, then replaces the grate.
He lays the rib slabs out over the drip pan.
He closes the lid and begins to cook the ribs at 300 to 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT for 1 1/4 HOURS.
While the ribs cook, he puts 2 CUPS OF THE SECOND MARINADE in a pot. He throws in 1/2 CUP OF APPLE CIDER VINEGAR and brings the marinade to a boil. He tu
rns down the heat to low and lets it simmer for 30 MINUTES, stirring occasionally.
When the ribs have cooked, he bastes them again with the marinade. He then closes the lid and lets them cook for another 30 TO 45 MINUTES.
He removes the ribs from the grill and lets them rest for 10 MINUTES …
CUT TO:
INT. GREAT ROOM
Lorelei enters.
LORELEI
Marc?
No answer. She goes over to his computer. He has printer out what looks to be his spec screenplay.
ANGLE ON - THE SCREENPLAY
120 pages of a single, repeated sentence: BARBECUE IS NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST!
MARC (V.O.)
You like it?
Lorelei spins around to see Marc, splattered in various sauces, completely insane. In one hand he holds a plate of the most magnificent smoked ribs ever.
In the other hand he holds AN AX.
MARC (CONT’D)
(Offering the ribs)
Try some.
Lorelei screams and runs from the room to
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Lorelei races into the hallway toward an elevator.
The elevator door opens … and a FLOOD OF BLOODRED BARBECUE SAUCE SPEWS FROM IT!
CUT TO:
INT. STANLEY’S ROOM
Lorelei bursts into the room, covered in barbecue sauce. She locks the door.
STANLEY
Is dinner ready?
CRASH!! Marc’s ax starts smashing through the door.
MARC (O.S.)
C’mon, it’s good! Don’t make me chop you up into little pieces.
Lorelei grabs their snowshoes. She and Stanley climb through a window.
CUT TO:
EXT. INCREDIBLY ISOLATED HOTEL RESORT - NIGHT
Lorelei and Stanley, now wearing their snowshoes, rush off into the night.
Marc emerges from the hotel. His now 400-pound frame starts sinking into the snow as if it were quicksand.
MARC
Guys, don’t go! I made apple cobbler … !
Marc disappears into the snow.
CUT TO:
EXT. INCREDIBLY ISOLATED HOTEL RESORT - NEXT DAY
Marc, pathetically frozen to death.
CUT TO:
INT. INCREDIBLY ISOLATED HOTEL RESORT
TRACKING SHOT through the hotel. We come to a series of framed photographs on the wall. They are all of former BARBECUE PIT MASTERS who’ve worked the grill.
HOLD ON final photo: Marc, standing happily by the Psycho Grill 1000, a plate of thick, juicy ribs in his hands, smile frozen in an eternity of bliss …
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END.
“Now, now Grigsby, we must wait for the weekend.”
Recipe File
Grilled Burgers with Herb Butter
Makes 6 hamburgers
½ cup butter, softened
Assorted fresh herbs: basil, chives, parsley, and so forth
½ head (or less) roasted garlic (optional)
½ cup (or less) roasted onion, chopped (optional)
2 tablespoons Parmesan cheese (optional)
1 pound ground sirloin
1 pound ground chuck
Salt
Pepper
Garlic powder (optional)
Onion powder (optional)
Sprinkle the softened butter with the fresh herbs (the choice of herbs and amount is up to the cook, though I usually use 1 tablespoon each). Ditto with the roasted garlic and/or onion and/or Parmesan, if using. Mash together with a fork till well combined.
Lay out the herb-butter mixture on a piece of wax paper. Roll the paper into a cylinder about ¾ inch in diameter. Place the cylinder in the freezer for 30 minutes or until the mixture is frozen.
Prepare the burgers by thoroughly mixing the ground sirloin and chuck. Season with salt and pepper to taste (additional seasonings, like garlic or onion powder, can be added if you are not using fresh onion or garlic in the herb butter).
Form meat into 6 patties, ⅓ pound each. With your thumb, make a depression in the center of each patty.
Take the frozen butter cylinder from the refrigerator and remove the wax paper. Slice ¼-inch-thick rounds from the cylinder.
Place 1 butter round (or more) in the depression of each hamburger patty. Cover it over with meat so that the butter round is now in the center of the burger.
If you’re using a charcoal grill, set charcoal in the grill. Grills vary, so the amount of charcoal may as well. See the directions for your particular grill. Most important, do not overfill.
Light the charcoal. You can use lighter fluid if you must, but I think it affects the flavor of the food. If possible, invest in a chimney starter (basically a small metal cylinder with which you can get a handful of coals burning).
Once the fire is lit, let it burn down until a fine layer of white ash covers the coals. This can take time, up to 40 minutes on some grills, so plan accordingly. Do not start cooking too early, while the coals are sending up flames.
Once the coals are red, rake up some of the coals to one side of the grill. By doing this, you will create two heat zones: one of high heat, one of low-medium heat.
Before you set your metal grill over the coals, brush it with vegetable oil to keep the meat from sticking.
If you’re using a gas grills, lucky you. Oil your grill, then turn one burner up to high and another up to medium-low, creating your two heat zones.
To cook, place all 6 patties on the hot side of the grill (where you have raked a majority of the coals). Sear the hamburgers on both sides, about 1 minute per side.
Once you’ve seared them, move the patties to the cooler side of the grill. Close the lid and cook for 2 to 3 minutes. Open the lid, flip the burgers, and cook another 2 to 3 minutes, depending on how well done you prefer your beef.
Remove the patties from the grill and let them rest for a couple of minutes (this is an important step, as it will allow the juices to flow back through the burger).
If you wish, you may melt the remaining herb butter and brush it on top of the hamburgers (or, alternatively, on the buns) for extra taste.
Beer-Can Chicken
Serves 4 to 6
1½ cups kosher salt
2 cups brown sugar
3 tablespoons chopped garlic
1 tablespoon pepper
3 quarts water, preferably purified
1 whole 6-pound chicken Garlic oil (regular canola oil will do in a pinch)
1 16-ounce can of your favorite beer
1 cup wood chips (cherry or apple preferred, available online or at BBQ stores), soaked for 1 hour in water
Drip pan
Combine the salt, brown sugar, garlic, and pepper with the water in a nonreactive container big enough to hold the chicken. This is the brine.
Remove the neck and giblet packet from within the chicken’s cavity, then place the chicken in the brine. Put the container in the refrigerator.
Let the chicken marinate in the brine for 12 to 24 hours.
Remove the chicken from the brine and wash thoroughly in fresh water, then rub it inside and out with the garlic-infused oil.
Completely remove the top from the can of beer. Pour out (or imbibe) about ⅔ of the beer. Insert beer can into the back opening of the chicken, working it up into the chest cavity just enough so that the chicken can “stand” vertically using its legs and the can as a tripod.
Soak a handful of wood chips in water for 1 hour or more. As noted, cherry or apple is preferred. Never use pine.
If you’re using a charcoal grill, light the coals and let the fire burn down, following the instructions for the previous recipe.
Rake the coals to either end of the grill, creating a space in the middle. Into this space, place a metal or aluminum-foil drip pan. You have now set up your grill for indirect grilling. This turns the grill into a kind of oven.
Throw the wood chips on the coals. Shortly they will begin to smoke. This will flav
or the meat as it cooks.
Note: If your grill is not large enough to rake the coals to either end and have an ample space for a drip pan in the middle, do the following: Rake all the coals to one side and place the drip pan on the other. Put down the metal grill and place the chicken over the side with the drip pan. This is not ideal, but it will do the trick. The important thing is to not have the meat directly over the heat source.
If you’re using a gas grill, light the burners on either end of the grill, leaving the middle burner off.
Do not throw wood chips directly onto the flames. If your grill does not come with a special drawer for wood chips, you may either purchase a special metal box with grates from any BBQ store for this purpose or make your own: Take a large sheet of aluminum foil, put the wood chips in the center, and fold the foil around it, creating a fully enclosed pouch. Cut some holes in the top of the foil so that the smoke may escape.
Oil the grill and place it over the coals. Set the beer-can chicken on the grill over the drip pan. Close the grill’s lid.
Cook for roughly 2 hours (about 20 minutes per pound) at 300°F. Do not cook at a higher temperature, as the idea here is to cook low and slow.
With charcoal grills, you can adjust the temperature by opening or closing various vents. Keeping the vents open will allow more oxygen in, which will make the coals burn hotter; keeping them closed will make the grill go cooler. See the instructions for your specific grill. If necessary, you can add fresh coals to up the heat.
Keep the lid closed, only opening once or twice to baste the chicken with garlic-infused oil.
When finished cooking, insert a meat thermometer into the thickest part of the thigh. It should read about 160°F (if not, let it cook a little longer). Remove the chicken from the grill and let it rest about 5 to 10 minutes (its internal temperature will rise, as it’s still cooking inside).
Carefully remove the beer can from chicken. Caution: The beer will be hot. If possible, have another person help you.
Carve and serve.
Three-Day Ribs
Serves 6 to 8
Yeah, this recipe takes a whole chunk of your life, but if done correctly it’s so worth the wait.
6 pounds (two slabs) of pork spareribs
2 cups plain yogurt
2 cups ketchup
2 cups Dr Pepper (regular, not diet) 1 cup brown sugar
¼ cup honey
¼ cup apple juice
½ cup soy sauce