Chaos

by Johansen, Iris

  But she wouldn’t be able to keep on doing it. It wasn’t her nature to hide away and be something she was not, even to protect herself.

  So she had to sit here and think, to come to terms with who she was, while she waited for Sasha to call.

  * * *

  Sasha phoned an hour later, and Alisa jumped on the call. “Is everything all right? Vogel told Korgan that Reardon was on his way to Jubaldar early this morning. Why?”

  “I have no idea. And he’s not on his way, he’s here. He arrived an hour or so ago. Though I haven’t seen him. He’s probably with Masenak.” Her voice was edgy. “All I know is that he’s already causing problems. When I got back to the stable after working out with Chaos today, I found Davidow there with Reardon’s jockey putting Nightshade in one of the stalls in the same stable annex where Chaos is quartered. I should have expected it, I suppose. I was told the annex was always given to Reardon for the horse he brought to the race. The only reason Chaos was put here was that he was such a hell raiser.”

  “Are they going to move Chaos back to the primary stable?”

  “I think I kept that from happening. I got Chaos to display his less-than-charming side. He did minor damage to his stall and terrified Lee Chan, Nightshade’s jockey, but it reminded Davidow why he’d isolated Chaos. Then I made a show of getting Chaos under control and calmed down and told Davidow that if he wanted me to keep him that way, he couldn’t have Reardon’s people moving around those stalls disturbing him. Any care given to Nightshade had to be done by me.”

  “And Davidow agreed?”

  “Sure. Davidow doesn’t like to report problems to Masenak. He said he had no objection to making me work harder if Masenak and Reardon gave their okay.”

  “How much harder will you have to work? You don’t need the care of another horse on your plate right now.”

  “I don’t have any choice. I want Gilroy to have as much access to this stable as I can give him, and it won’t be safe unless I can keep everyone else away. Besides, Nightshade won’t be any trouble. She’s no Chaos. She’s a beautiful, splendid thoroughbred, but well trained and almost too well behaved.” She added wearily, “Though perhaps I’m just telling myself that. Anything I do to give Gilroy access might not matter now that Reardon and his people are here. Things are changing so quickly that it’s hard to keep up.”

  “Not for you.” She had to clear her tight throat. “You’re riding high and knocking everyone out of your way. Can’t you see that? Just what you’ve told me today should let you know that no one is ever going to take you down.”

  Sasha didn’t speak for a moment; then suddenly she chuckled. “Yeah, I did pretty good handling Davidow. I don’t believe anyone could have done it better.” She added thoughtfully, “But it still might be better if Gilroy doesn’t come unless I really need him. It’s a risk for him. Maybe I just wanted him here because I felt so alone. You can’t feel alone if Gilroy is around.”

  “No, you can’t, but Gilroy wouldn’t be there just to hold your hand so stop pushing him away. It’s what you’ve done ever since I saw you riding Zeus in that circus ring.”

  “And then you stuck around and wouldn’t go away until you taught me not to do it,” she said softly. “Though I still forget and fall back sometimes. But then I remember you’re somewhere out there, and maybe if I let the world in now and then, it won’t be all that bad.”

  But Sasha had seen so much that was bad in these last months, Alisa thought with aching pity. Yet she had faced it with incredible strength and endurance. “No, there are so many beautiful things in this world. You showed me a lot of them. The birth of that magnificent foal, how to ride through the hills and feel as I was part of everything around me, all the explorations, all the silences, all the words…We found them together. We’ll keep on finding them when this is over. We just have to hold on and not let all this ugliness surrounding us make us forget to reach out and take the joy that’s there.” Her voice was unsteady. “Okay? Is it a deal?”

  “Don’t be silly. Of course it’s a deal.”

  She drew a deep breath. So much emotion, and she had to move away from it for both their sakes. “Good. Then I can stop lecturing you on things you know already and tell you that Korgan and I have been working hard today. Things aren’t going quite as badly on our end as they were for you. We’re close to solving the problem with Director Lakewood, and Korgan turned his attention to Zeus and your other horses…”

  * * *

  Alisa was still leaning back against the stones bordering the fireplace an hour later, drinking another cup of tea, when Korgan came back into the room. “You were a long time.”

  “I went back to the council house to negotiate that damn steam room for the women of the village.”

  She blinked. “What? Tonight?”

  He dropped down in a chair. “It was bothering you. I asked them to get the members back in session because I had an offer. They could smell the profit and came running back.”

  “To give the women access to their steam room?”

  “Well, not the council’s steam room. There was that tradition thing I’d have had to battle. So I donated the money and labor to have a steam house of their own built for the women of the village.” He grinned. “So that they’d be able to form traditions of their own that might include the right not to allow any male chauvinists to come near their steam house, which will have all the bells and whistles.”

  She started to laugh. “Outrageous.”

  “I thought that bit would please you.”

  “It does. But what about diplomacy?”

  “The road to diplomacy is often paved in gold. I persuaded them that it would keep their women happy and add value and prestige to their village.” He paused. “Isn’t that what you wanted to happen?”

  She nodded slowly. “I hadn’t thought it out, but that’s what I wanted.”

  “Good. Then we’re finished with it. They’re happy, you’re happy. You won’t make any more comments about how I’m gleaming.”

  “I don’t promise that.” She took a sip of her tea. “But you went to extravagant lengths to make sure everyone was happy. Thank you.”

  “Not so extravagant. A steam house is not the Taj Mahal.”

  “But it will be to those village women. It would have been to me when I was a kid.”

  “Then you should be the one to design it to get the proper bells-and-whistles element.”

  “I might do that. I’ll ask Sasha to help. She’d think it was fun.” She grimaced. “But that’s down the road. She called tonight: Reardon is at Jubaldar, but that’s all she knows. Except that it’s going to be more difficult for Gilroy to contact her.”

  “She’s upset?”

  “Of course, but she’s handling it. She always does. I got more emotional than she did. I was telling her all the positive things that we had to hold on to, and one thing struck home.” She met his eyes across the room. “I said that we shouldn’t give up who we are and stop reaching out for joy and beauty because of all the ugly things around us. Wise words, but I wasn’t paying attention to them myself.” She moistened her lips. “Because I was nervous and afraid, and I didn’t quite know how to go about it. I might have even been a little intimidated.”

  “Intimidated?” He shook his head and smiled faintly. “Not you, Alisa.”

  “I’d agree with you, but not when it comes to you.”

  “Me?” He was no longer smiling. “How did this get to be about me?”

  “I don’t know. It just happened. We’re talking about being honest, and I have trouble being honest with you. You’ve always been my Achilles’ heel. Even Margaret realized that was true. I’ve been sitting here, thinking about it, and there’s every chance that intimidation was a big part of it.”

  “You’re not making sense,” he said quietly. “What are you trying to say?”

  “You’d know if you stopped putting up barriers. You can read me so well. It used to annoy and frighten me un
til I realized that it was just an integral part of who you are. Then it became comforting because it shut out all the loneliness.” She shrugged. “But you don’t want to read me now because what you feel for me is all confused, and you don’t want to hurt me. I’m not going to let you get away with that, Korgan. Because you’re cheating me of the joy I told Sasha we had to hold on to. But there’s only one way I can think to do it.” She put her cup down on the floor and got to her feet. “And that’s to not let you say no.” She came toward him. “And be honest and try to say the words that won’t make you push me away.”

  “What the hell are you doing, Alisa,” he asked warily.

  “I’m seducing you,” she said unsteadily. “At least, I hope I am. Because I want you inside me and I’m tired of you pushing me away. This has nothing to do with payment, or gratitude, or your memory of that fourteen-year-old girl who seems to bother you so much. You’ve made it too complicated when anyone can see you want me. I’m not a victim or a cross to bear. It’s simply sex and the fact that I’ve probably wanted you since that first night in your study. Maybe before.” She took his hand and pulled him to his feet. “It’s me, going after you. No commitment. You can walk away anytime.” She reached up, opened the striped blanket, and let it drop to the floor. “But I don’t think you will.”

  “I’d be crazy if I did,” he said hoarsely, his hands moving to her breasts and cupping them, his fingers on her nipples. “I’m not crazy.” His hands left her breasts and reached up to frame her face in his hands. “This isn’t a good idea. I’m about to go up in flames,” he whispered. “I don’t want this for you. I don’t want to be just another taker.”

  “You’re an idiot.” She was quickly unbuttoning his shirt and then pushing her naked breasts against his chest and rubbing them back and forth. “If you can’t see I’m the taker.” She pressed her teeth against his nipple and bit down. “Now will you get inside me?”

  “Oh, yes.” He was suddenly pulling her down to the floor, tearing off his shirt, pushing her legs apart. “Any way, any place I can. I’ve waited too long for this.”

  “Your fault.” His fingers were suddenly inside her and she gasped as they started to move. “You were thinking too much. You should have been doing this…”

  “Be quiet. I’m too hot.” His fingers were going deeper, twisting, plunging. “You’ve said all I want you to say for the time being. You did too good a job seducing me and now it’s all in my court. And thinking isn’t all that bad if it keeps me from hurting you.” His mouth was on her breast, sucking, biting. “Are you ready for me?”

  “I couldn’t…be…more ready.”

  She was vaguely aware his mouth and fingers had left her as he tore off his clothes. Then he was over her, in her, plunging deep!

  She cried out and lunged upward, trying to take more of him.

  He gave her more.

  Full. She was so full. Yet he was reaching around and cupping her buttocks, lifting her to every thrust, giving her still more. “Korgan…”

  “I want you to feel me in every part of you,” he whispered. “Here.” He bent his head and licked first one nipple, then the other. Then his mouth moved up to the hollow of her throat and he sucked slowly, sensually as his strokes became deeper and deeper. “Here. Do you feel it here, Alisa?”

  “You know…I do.”

  His hand moved down to her belly, stroking her in rhythm. “And here?”

  “Everywhere.” She was on fire, every muscle tense, ready. “Finish…it, damn you.”

  “You had only to ask. I’ve been holding on by a thread.” He was gathering her closer. “Come to me. I want every bit of you…”

  Wildness.

  Depth.

  Fullness.

  Her nails bit into his shoulders.

  Fire.

  Frantic merging until there was nothing left to merge.

  Yet it seemed to go on forever.

  Until there was no more forever.

  The tears were running down her cheeks as she clutched desperately at him.

  She could feel him shudder against her, and then he lifted up to look down at her. “Shit.” He reached out and touched the tears on her cheeks. “I hurt you?”

  “I should have known.” She shook her head. “You’re impossible. Are you looking for something to feel guilty about? Tears don’t only come from pain, you know. Sometimes emotion can have a hell of a lot to do with it.” She closed her eyes. “Now let me have a moment to catch my breath. I don’t know what I was expecting, but this was…different.”

  “Definitely.” Then he was gone. A moment later she felt him beside her again, gathering her up in the curve of his arm. “Be still,” he murmured. “I just want you to be more comfortable.” She felt the cool damp cloth running over her body, and then he took a longer time massaging between her legs. “Not too cold? You felt burning hot when I was in you and I thought this would be okay.”

  “Not too cold.” She opened her eyes. “But you’re spending entirely too much time rubbing me down there if you want to be soothing.”

  “I got distracted.” He smiled down at her as he gave her a final lingering pat. “You’re absolutely ravishing here. I wanted to play.”

  “You want me again? Go ahead. I only needed a minute.”

  “I can wait. Barely.” He pushed her away and reached for the striped blanket she’d shed when she’d come to him. “You were very generous, and I hope that generosity will continue, but I won’t take you for granted. Right now I just want to take care of you. I find I like the idea of doing that very much.” He draped the blanket around her and fastened it over her breasts. “You didn’t finish your tea before. I’ll get you a fresh cup.” He got to his feet and walked over to the fireplace. “Just stay there. I’ll be with you in a minute.”

  She watched him move naked around the room, remembering how every one of those sleek muscles had felt against her body. Graceful, tough, totally sensual. Lord, he was beautiful.

  “Come on. Over to the fire again.” He was standing in front of her, lifting her to her feet. “Your tea is ready, madam.” He settled her on a large, cushy pillow before handing her the tea. Then he stretched out beside her with his own cup cradled in his hands. “Comfortable?”

  “How could I help?” She frowned as she saw a large pot of water set to one side of the hearth. “What’s that? I didn’t notice you going to fetch it.”

  “I think we might both be a little blurred right now. I thought after you had your tea, I’d heat water in case you wanted a bath. I’m still feeling guilty about depriving you of that steam bath.”

  “Well, it had a good result down the line.”

  “But not for you.”

  “That’s not true.” She smiled as she raised her cup to her lips. “The result down the line was that I got exactly what I wanted, even though it wasn’t the steam bath.”

  His eyes narrowed on her face. “It was a result I wasn’t expecting. What triggered it?”

  “Is it bothering you that I was aggressive?” She met his gaze. “Is that why you set me up for a heart-to-heart discussion here by the fire?” She nodded. “Yes, that’s it. You’re always probing, trying to get to the truth of any puzzle. Did I make you uneasy?”

  “You almost blew my mind,” he said flatly. Then he added, “And you’ll remember I didn’t allow you to be aggressive for more than a heartbeat or so before I was dragging you down on the floor and inside you. You could hardly call that being overaggressive.” He paused. “But you mentioned something about being intimidated by me, and I just wanted to make certain that it wasn’t something that I’d done that had forced you into a corner that—”

  “Forced?” She was looking at him in bewilderment. “How could you force me?”

  “How the hell do I know? Force doesn’t have to be obvious; it can be subtle. Like I did with those council members tonight.” He added wryly, “Like I do all the time.”

  And he had wanted to make sure he’d not been
unfair to her. “No force,” she said gently. “Obvious or subtle. If I was intimidated, it’s because you’re not like anyone else and very smart, and I admire you and even want to be like you in some ways. But only some ways. It would probably impede what I want to do myself. Your star burns very bright, and it could be distracting.”

  “Distraction…” He raised his brows. “So I’m only a temporary fling?”

  “In the end, we both know that’s what you’ll want it to be. After this is over at Jubaldar, you’ll become interested in something else and go off to create something intriguing and wonderful. It’s what you should do.” She concentrated on keeping her voice steady. “But as I told you, I wanted to have sex with you. I didn’t see why I shouldn’t, and I appreciate you accommodating me. It was everything I thought it would be. I promised you that there wouldn’t be even a hint of a commitment. I’ll keep my word.”

  “What a courteous and completely reasonable little speech.” His expression was totally enigmatic. “There were a few things I liked very much about it. But there were others that showed a basic lack of understanding of who I am. It’s that cerebral-physical thing again, merged with the fact that I’m very possessive and tend to keep anything that really pleases me for an inordinately long time.” He added softly, “And you’ve pleased me since the first moment you walked into my study and disabled the XV-10, so I’m going to have trouble not getting obsessive.” He leaned closer and flipped the edge of the blanket open to reveal the nakedness of her lower body. “Do you suppose you could stave off tossing me out until I become accustomed to the idea? Since I was so ‘accommodating’?”

  “It’s possible.” It was starting again. Her heart was beating hard; she was readying. It didn’t matter that Korgan’s attitude was a little inscrutable. Maybe that was natural. She’d worry about it later. “You were certainly that and more. I told you I wasn’t playing coy. You can probably have me whenever you want me. I only wanted everything to be clear and honest between us.”