Stripped- For The Very First Time

by Penn Rivers

  Fell in love with you…

  She’d said that. In her sleep. But fuck, to me it didn’t matter if it was her subconscious or not.

  No one—I mean no one—had ever said that to me.

  Not even my mother, though I understood her reasoning. Hard to love the product of a vile abuse such as rape. Even if it is your own son. Hard to love the reminder of what was taken from you by force. Your freedom. Your soul.

  Your womb.

  She had tried. As good as she could.

  I grit my jaw against that thought. Against the guilt that threatened to bring me to my knees. I didn’t want what my mother had endured to poison this moment. This tiny moment that might never happen again.

  Fell in love with you…

  I stumbled back to the edge of the bed, my feet feeling like concrete, my head, lighter than air.

  My bed didn’t hurt me right now. I wasn’t worried about nightmares or the memories of the fan I’d used for a distraction when things were at their worst. I didn’t think about how cold it was, or how cold I’d been while the world around me blazed hot. How lonely. How sad.

  I was raw as fuck, but all I wanted was to hold her… this woman who said she loved me in her sleep… and let my mind truly rest for once in my life.

  I managed to kick off my boots, and slid in beside Gemma. I eased her into my arms, pulling the covers around us. Her sweet waterfall scent flooded my senses, lulling me deeper.

  She let off a sleepy shudder, pressing closer into my arms. Her cheek nuzzled my chest and it reminded me of that night in the diner. The first time I’d touched her.

  Fell in love with you…

  It couldn’t have been the first time she had feelings for me. Not the way she’d held on then. Like she was now.

  Fell in love with you…

  I let my eyes fall closed, repeating the words over and over in my mind, needing to remember every drowsy syllable.

  “Please… let this be a dream… wanna stay… don’t wanna go…” She let out a heartbreaking cry. Just one, and then she stilled, her quiet snore resuming.

  And that sealed my fate.

  I wasn’t letting her go. Ever.

  When we woke, we’d figure shit out. Find a way through it all. We’d get everything out in the open. Every ugly thing. Even my ugly things.

  I swallowed away the panic at the idea of confessing everything to Gemma.

  If I ever wanted to be free… truly free… this was the way. With her.

  Chapter Thirteen

  GEMMA

  Running. I was running.

  The scene kept changing but I remained the same. Running. Past forest trees. Through a creek. Up an incline.

  A flicker, and then I was in the city. Running faster and harder. Had to get away. Had to make them safe. Noah, mom, Kane.

  Buildings taller than I could see crowded the fading light of the sky. People crowded the sidewalk the same way. They were all moving the opposite direction, and somehow, I knew they were moving toward life. Moving forward, while I ran farther and farther away.

  Another flicker, and I was at the club. Running through the parking lot, but never finding the end of it. Like the blacktop was some never-ending treadmill I couldn’t be free of. And every few seconds, I passed people I knew.

  Penelope, Eleanor, Sal, Jake... Kane, his back turned to me.

  I yelled for him but he didn’t hear. Or maybe he didn’t care. Either way, he never came.

  Penelope, Eleanor, Sal, Jake. Kane.

  Penelope, Eleanor, Sal, Jake.

  Kane.

  And then Kane… Kane… Kane…

  An unending loop. A broken record. Kane… Kane…

  “No. No. Stop,” I pleaded, running faster to try to reach the end. Charley was parked back there somewhere. I just had to find him.

  A flicker, and the world went black. Still I ran. In darkness now, my eyes peeled wide for any hint of light, any blip of shadow, of solid. But even the ground beneath my feet wasn’t there anymore. I ran on air. On nothing.

  Black. Dark. Nothing.

  Except the threat of danger chasing me. Danger I couldn’t see, and sometimes lost, but not for good. I’ll always find you.

  It wasn’t a threat. It wasn’t a promise. It was a reality.

  Despair wrapped around my heart. I could never stop running. This was my burden.

  I’ll always find youuuu…

  I jolted awake, coming to a sit in the unfamiliar bed, the familiar hint of danger lurking in the air.

  Where was I?

  Blinking to clear the fog, I looked around the room. I was alone. Bland Khaki colored walls, no art work, no photos.

  I twisted, taking it all in.

  There were curtains, heavy black ones, and two solid bedside tables on each side of the bed. A low, fat dresser sat opposite of the bed, a sturdy iron lamp poised like a sentinel on the corner. I could use it for a weapon. If needed.

  But the thing that caught and held my attention was the door. It wasn’t closed. Not locked. Wide open, which meant I could leave.

  I wasn’t in danger.

  A strange whimper traveled from across the room, and I jerked my gaze to the closet. A black lab stood wagging its tail. Soft and a little on the plump side, the animal didn’t seem like a threat. The dog ducked its head, swaying side to side as it got closer to the bed.

  “It’s okay,” I whispered, surprised that my voice was hoarse. I must have slept for a while.

  The dog came to the edge of the bed, propping its nose on the mattress, but nothing more. Tentatively, I reached forward to run my fingers along the smooth fur, and its eyes closed in response.

  Petting the animal calmed me, and as I drew in a long breath, I was finally able to focus. The memories of what happened in Kane’s truck came rushing back at me.

  “Ugh.” I fell back against the pillow.

  This must be his place. I couldn’t remember anything after I’d dropped the marriage bomb on him. I asked him to take me back to Charley. That was the last shred I could recall.

  Sadness choked me, bringing tears to flood my lids.

  Kane. He’d been so damn hurt. It came out as anger, but not the furious kind. Not the kind I’d back away from. It was pained. Devastated, even.

  You’re supposed to be mine, but you’re married.

  The way his voice sounded. The achy, gravelly words just barely making it past the grip of his throat.

  Shit. I’d caused that. And he didn’t deserve it.

  I needed to make this better. Needed to explain, whether it helped or not. Kane deserved to know the real reason I’d lied at the diner.

  Swiping at my tears, I slipped out of the bed and padded to the door. There was a short hallway with two other doors attached, and then an open space. I headed for the open space, which turned out to be a living area. It was decorated as sparsely as the bedroom. Dark curtains, leather couch and matching chair, side tables and a huge TV that took up most of one wall.

  I stared at it for a moment, imagining Noah watching his cartoons on that thing. He’d feel like he was at the theater.

  The thought brought the briefest smile to my face before it was jerked away by reality. I wouldn’t see Noah again for a very long time. The shows he loved would change. He would change. And I was going to miss it all to keep his father from finding him.

  The choked feeling rose in my throat again, and I shoved it down. To do the hard things, you had to keep focus. Not be overcome by the emotions attached to said hard things.

  Easier said than done.

  The smell of food had me turning toward the kitchen. It was open to the living room with only a half-wall bar area separating it.

  Kane stood by the stove, his back to me. It reminded me of my dream. Running, running…

  He looked the same as he had when he picked me up. Dark jeans, black t-shirt.

  I stood at the bar and watched him. A stack of pancakes sat off to the side, and he was working on a skillet of hashbro
wns.

  “You hungry?” he asked low. He wasn’t angry anymore. He was calm. Too calm maybe.

  Maybe he was just done with me. Feed me and get me out the door. And maybe that was for the best.

  But I was going to explain first. I was going to tell him the truth.

  “A little.”

  My stomach let out a furious rumble, calling me a big fat liar.

  Kane glanced my way, eyebrow raised. “More than a little, I’d say.”

  “Guess so.”

  He passed me a plate of the buttered pancakes, and a bottle of syrup. Then he poured orange juice, setting it all in front of me like I hadn’t confessed anything at all.

  Had I dreamed it too?

  No. I knew I hadn’t.

  He finished the hashbrowns and brought his plate to the counter, taking the stool beside me.

  “Kane…”

  “Eat, Gem. We’ll talk after.”

  He dug into the pancakes, eating through half the big stack in just a few bites.

  “I’m just… sorry.”

  There was an awkward silence as he stared at his plate, fork hovering above it.

  “I need you fed, Gem,” he said, his voice a low rumble. “I need you taken care of. Then we’re going to talk. So eat the pancakes I made for you and think about what you want to say, what you want to do.”

  I knew what I wanted. My heart knew. But I could never do what I wanted, it always had to be what I needed.

  And what I needed was to leave town and get as far away from my family as possible. Without Kane’s protection, I couldn’t stay.

  It was that simple.

  And that difficult.

  Picking up the fork, I cut away a bite and brought it to my mouth. The food was fluffy and delicious, and it caused my stomach to revolt from being too needy.

  Just how long had it been since I’d eaten? I couldn’t remember my last meal. I’d been too preoccupied with car troubles and work and leaving Noah. The pancakes I’d made to share with him this morning hadn’t gotten past my fork, since I was trying too hard to seem normal and not like my heart was breaking.

  But now I swallowed another bite, and another. And after a few minutes I didn’t feel like I was going to toss it up. When the pancakes were gone, I went in for the hashbrowns. Somehow the food settled me. Made the problems I was facing seem a fraction smaller. A tiny bit more manageable.

  I took a breath before gulping down my orange juice.

  “You want more?” Kane asked.

  “Not now. I’m good.”

  He nodded, standing and taking our plates to the sink.

  “Thank you,” I managed.

  He said nothing as he rinsed the dishes and dropped them in the dishwasher. He felt so distant even though he was right there. Just like in my dream.

  “I’m running from my husband,” I blurted, tossing whatever caution I was still holding onto right out the fucking window.

  Kane said he wanted honesty. He was going to get it.

  “At the diner, I said there was no man in my life because I hoped he was gone. I hadn’t seen him in over a year. Not since I took Noah and my mom and ran. I… I wasn’t trying to deceive you. I was just hoping I could live my life like a normal person now. Get close to people without putting them in danger. It was a stupid thing to hope for. Because I realize now it’s not possible. I’ll never be free of him. I’ll never be safe, and neither will Noah.”

  Kane turned to face me, leaning back against the counter and crossing his arms over his chest. He looked like that Doberman protecting his castle again. He looked unbreakable. He looked like everything I needed but couldn’t hold on to.

  “He’s found me. I was careful, so I don’t know how. But he found me. He knows I work at the club, and if I keep going home every night, eventually he will find Noah. I can’t let that happen. My plan was to stay with you until I could figure out how to get away from him for good. I knew you could protect me. I could still work and not be scared. Still make money for mama and Noah. But I can’t go home. It’s either stay here, away from them… or leave town.”

  He stared at me, considering my messy admission.

  “You wanted me to take you to Charley so you could leave.”

  I shook my head. Leaving was the last thing I wanted. But maybe now I didn’t have a choice.

  “I didn’t want to hurt you.” The words left my mouth as barely more than a whisper, but they were the truth.

  His eyes blazed at me, making my heart pound in my chest. “Listen to me. I’ve made a decision about us.”

  I nodded, the knot in my throat growing to boulder sized. “Okay.”

  “My mother died in a car accident three years ago. The day after my twenty-second birthday. A freak thing out of the blue. The car wasn’t even that badly damaged, but just like that, she was gone.” Kane’s voice was even, but haunted. Like he’d been thinking of exactly what to say for a while. “It was the day I started believing in a god. Because her death was a gracious escape. Her life was fucked up. She was a dancer, like you, but she didn’t land in a club like Marco’s. She was owned. Pimped out, beaten, held against her will at times. Used in the ugliest ways possible by vile, vile people. And it was a cycle she couldn’t break on her own. She just couldn’t. She was damaged. So someone—something, a higher power—broke it for her.”

  His words were like hammers to my heart. It bled for his mother, and for how her situation must have affected him. My poor Kane. I could feel how close I was to being damaged too, like her, and it terrified me. I could never let Noah pay for the cycle I couldn’t break. I had to find a way to be different.

  “I’m so sorry, Kane,” I whispered, my eyes filling with tears all over again.

  Emotions swirled behind his gaze as he stalked forward to press his hands against the countertop. He leaned in so my space was invaded, and I let him. At this point he could do whatever he wanted to me, as long as he could see how much I hadn’t meant to hurt him.

  “I told you that for a reason, and I’m not done yet. Are you listening, Gem?”

  “Yes,” I breathed.

  “When I was younger, one of my mother’s men made someone angry. Don’t have a clue what the hell he did, but they held him down, poured lighter fluid on his right arm and set him on fire. They kept him there until his flesh was burnt to the bone in some places. The son-of-a-bitch lived, but he spent the next year in the hospital. My mom would visit him often, dragging me along with her, and I remember something that stuck with me like a fucking nightmare.”

  He had me breathless, waiting for him to reveal more. In all our time together, no matter how much I’d wanted to get close to Kane, we’d both kept each other at a distance. Now all that carefully constructed barrier was crashing down between us, and I wanted to know everything.

  “In order for his arm to heal, for his flesh and skin to repair itself, they had to first scrape away all the dead burnt shit. The parts of him that were ruined. The pieces that could never grow better, never be anything other than black and charred. They had to scrape out all the ruin. You see what I’m saying?”

  “I-I think so.”

  “This right here, this thing we’re doing? It’s a give and take. I’m going to give you everything, and you’re going to take it. And give me everything right back, or there’s no moving forward.”

  I nodded, biting my lip to hold in the sob that wanted to escape.

  “Understand, Gem?” he whispered, reaching in to brush a thumb softly over my cheek. “We need this, both of us. To heal.”

  He wanted me to lay everything on the line. Wanted me to give him my past so we could have a future. And he’d do the same.

  He was asking me to trust again. To trust him. The right man.

  Shit. It was beautiful and terrifying altogether.

  But I would try. For him, I would.

  “Yes.”

  He let off a sigh, and pulled his hand back. “Then okay. Your turn.”

  My turn
. I felt like I’d suffocate if I didn’t move. I pushed away from the counter and paced the short space behind it.

  I could do this. Tell Kane everything. What could it possibly hurt now. Maybe the only way to make it better was to get it all out.

  “I met Rafe when I was still in high school. He was older and bossy and I liked that about him. He seemed dangerous, and I was stupid, and wanted that at the time. Danger. Excitement. Risk. In my mind, it was so much better than the boring good girl I’d been raised to be… mama raised me to be.”

  I continued pacing. Three steps and then turn. Three steps and then turn.

  “I was young and thought I was in love. He said all the right fucking things. Did all the right things. Opened doors, brought me flowers. He checked off all the boxes. Until he didn’t. And by then, I was already pregnant with his baby.”

  I swallowed, meeting Kane’s brutal gaze.

  “I left with Noah, to keep him safe from Rafe. Your turn.”

  Kane shook his head. “That isn’t enough, Gem. You aren’t opening to me enough. I need it all. Tell me, what did he do to you? Why do you run? Scrape it all out.”

  I wrung my hands as if that would help me find the words to tell him what Rafe did to me.

  “After Noah was born, he became violent. Possessive. I started feeling like a prisoner. He wouldn’t let me see my mother, wouldn’t let her visit or help with Noah. There were many times he hurt me. But there was one time… the time I decided to do something about it…”

  Damn it, this part was hard.

  “I snuck out with the baby and met my mom at a coffee shop so she could see him. He was four months old and she hadn’t seen him since the hospital. Little did I know, Rafe had one of his men on me at all times. I was followed. And when I got home…”

  The pacing wasn’t helping. I was going to be sick. All Kane’s delicious pancakes were going to be ruined.

  Get it out fast. Rip the bandage off.

  “He beat me. Let his friends beat me. God, four of them, it was. And then he beat me again. All to teach me a lesson.” My voice took on a familiar sneer. “‘Never go against my word, Mina. Never think you can betray me. Never think you can run. I’ll always find you’. I passed out, and maybe he stopped when I did. I don’t know. When I came back around, it was to Noah crying in the pitch dark. The bastard had left us in the room alone. Left the baby with no one to care for him. I didn’t know how long it had been. All I knew was my son needed me. I… I crawled to his bassinet. I was afraid to hold him because my hands were sticky with blood. Afraid of what I looked like, and whether a tiny four-month-old would even recognize his swollen mother. But it was dark, you know? And he needed me.”