by West, Harper
"I know I'm right," she snapped. "I don't need your validation. And I don't need your permission if I want to see Simon. I hadn't even decided yet, and here you are trying to make rules about it."
"I wasn't trying to make rules," I insisted. "I just wanted you to know how I felt."
"Great. Noted. You don't want me to see him. Why?"
Why? I thought that was pretty obvious. "Because I want to be the only one who gets to—” I cut myself off, not sure how to finish that sentence.
But of course, she wasn't willing to let it go. "Who gets to, what? Tie me up? Make me cry? Do things to me I'm not even really into? Congratulations, Killian, you're the only one. Simon isn't even interested in stuff like that, thank goodness."
Now it was my turn to laugh. "Still pretending you're not into it, then?"
"Shut up, that's not even the point."
She was right. It wasn’t the point, but it was something to latch onto that wasn’t dealing with my own turbulent feelings, so I would take what I could get at the moment.
“You’re lying to yourself,” I said, pushing it. “You’re telling yourself that you’re still some victim of my wicked whims or what have you, when that hasn’t been the case for months, and you know it. You like it just as much as I do. You crave it. You want me to hurt you and fuck you and use you the way I do. If you didn’t, I don’t think you’d come quite so hard when I do it.”
Ash was silent, face impassive as I spoke. She turned the stove off, leaving the egg in the pan, in some state of doneness. I thought she was going to scream or throw something at me, but she just looked at me, like she was daring me to continue.
And I’d never known when to back down and shut up, so I did. “You know I’m right,” I continued. “You know you want it, and you know no one else will be able to satisfy you like I can.”
“Fuck you,” she said, and there was a noticeable lack of heat in it. “You’re so fucking self-righteous, I can’t even deal with it. You think everything is about how good you are in bed, and you’re crazy. There is so much more to life than that.”
I was taken aback by that because it was not at all what I’d been expecting her to say. I’d thought she would deny it, tell me I was wrong and that she could get pleasure from anywhere. But she was staring at me, and there was disappointment in her eyes.
“Maybe you’re fine with everything being about sex or pain or pleasure,” she said. “Maybe that’s enough for you. You can go to sleep happy at night because you got me off and that’s all that matters to you. But do you know what? Even if I wasn’t satisfied with Simon, there’d be more there. There would be conversation and understanding and a relationship based on something other than using each other. And at the end of the day, I would be satisfied with him because he’s not a self-absorbed idiot who thinks he can buy or talk his way into getting whatever he wants.”
“That is not what I think,” I snapped, because it was the easiest thing to refute, and I didn’t even know where to start with the rest. “You have no idea what I want.”
“Then tell me,” she fired back. “What do you want from me, Killian? Am I just supposed to be your plaything for the next six months and then try to get my life back on track when you’re done with me? This isn’t a relationship. This is a business arrangement with sex, orchestrated by you, so don’t you stand there and look at me like I’m the one in the wrong here. I’m just playing by your rules.”
She stood there for a second longer, like she was waiting for me to say something profound or to argue with her, but I didn’t know what to say.
After the silence stretched out for long enough that it was becoming uncomfortable, Ash just shook her head and walked out, leaving the breakfast she’d been making behind.
I heard one of the inner doors slam, and I knew better than to follow her.
The worst part was that I knew she wasn’t wrong. I was the one who was so quick to push the contract when I wanted to get what I wanted, and now that she was doing the same thing, it felt unfair.
Was this how she’d felt for the last six months? Doing things only because I made her feel like she didn’t have a choice?
It opened a pit in my stomach, and I sighed, rubbing at my forehead. I had no idea where to go from there. It felt like the camaraderie we’d been building up was shattered, and I didn’t know how to put it back. And we were out there in the middle of nowhere, just the two of us, on what was supposed to be a relaxing and fun retreat.
I didn’t think there was going to be anything relaxing or fun about it for the rest of the trip.
Eventually, I was going to have to learn when to keep my mouth shut, honestly.
I understood why she was pissed off. I didn't have the right to go around making demands of her. And she was right, there was nothing romantic about the way things were set up between us.
I couldn't even honestly say that I wanted there to be.
I hadn't done anything romantic in nature in years. That wasn't how my life was set up. I took advantage of the... well, advantages of being rich and handsome when I could. I went to the club, and I charmed women, and I used my skills to pleasure them and get my own pleasure.
It had never felt empty or hollow until recently.
Because there was something about having a long-term connection with someone. There was something about knowing how they were going to react and using that to help build scenes and expectations.
Ashlyn was predictable, but it was in all the best ways, and I never found myself bored or unfulfilled with her.
It was something shocking to realize because that wasn't at all how things usually went for me. Usually after seeing someone a couple of times, I was ready to move on to someone else.
I hadn't called Eve in a while, case in point. She was lovely and eager, but there was something missing when it came to our interactions.
I didn't know if it was because she thought I could do no wrong or because she just made me think about Ash, but when Ash wasn't there, it wasn't the same.
Looking at it like that, I was a little irritated. No one had asked her to come along and make everything more complicated than it needed to be. My life had been fine before she'd come crashing into it, changing my standards and making me want things I had never wanted before.
And even standing there in the kitchen with the breakfast she'd abandoned, I couldn't lie to myself like that.
After all, I was the one who'd come crashing into her life, and I was the one who had dragged her into all of this.
So, I only had myself to blame.
Chapter 13
Ashlyn
Staying in that cabin with Killian after our fight made it the most awkward weekend of my life, probably, and that included several awkward trips with my parents when I was a teenager and just discovering my sexuality and stuff, so that was saying something.
Because there was something so uncomfortable about being in a house with someone you were determined not to speak to, even if that house was massive, and the chances of running into each other went down the further away you got.
I moved my stuff out of the master bedroom, and found a room to sleep in. That one even had a bathtub right off of it, and if it was a regular tub, not a whirlpool one, I told myself that was a fair sacrifice to not have to deal with Killian's shit.
I was furious, honestly.
He had no idea what he really wanted with me. He didn't even really want me. He just wanted to be the only one who got a chance to have me, which was some possessive bullshit if I'd ever heard it.
Probably some of those women who fawned all over him would consider it a compliment and tell me I was being ridiculous for being mad that he wanted to have me all to himself.
And... I could admit there was a little part of me that was into that. The fact that he could have anyone out there that he wanted, and he wanted me. There was a little pride, and a little warm thrill at the way he looked at me when he said he didn't want me to be with anyone
else.
But that was a very small part compared to the parts of me that were pissed off that he thought he got to make those kinds of calls about my life.
And without offering anything like the same in return. So he could put a leash on me, tell me I was his, and then go out and do whatever he wanted, and I was just supposed to be fine with that? I was just supposed to let him tell me who I could and couldn't see and not have any issues with it?
No. There was no way in hell that was happening.
I had half a mind to call a cab and have them take me back home and make Killian pay for it since he was the one who had ruined this trip, but it was nice to be away from the city, so I tried to enjoy it the best I could.
I watched movies in the big theater room. I cooked for myself in the massive kitchen. I soaked in the tub. I texted Simon.
I hated that I felt guilty for texting Simon, but I needed to talk to someone. I didn't tell him anything about Killian, of course, just that I'd had to go out of town for a school thing, and it hadn't turned out like I wanted it to.
Of course he was sympathetic, because he was Simon, and he always knew what to say, and that made me feel even worse for lying to him.
And then Sunday came around, and Killian spoke to me for the first time since our argument to say it was time to head back home, and I was glad to go.
I wanted to be back in my own space, away from him, so I could figure out what I was going to do next.
There were still over five months left in the 'marriage.’ If I wanted the money, I had to stick it out, and if I was going to stick it out, then we had to resolve things eventually.
For the moment, I was fine with being upset, and when we loaded our things into his car, I took the backseat, opting to stretch out back there, away from him.
If he had a problem with that, he didn't say anything, choosing to turn on some dry sounding podcast about money management and finances that made it easy enough for me to get a nap in while he drove us back to civilization.
I woke up later, right as he was turning onto the exit that would take us to my apartment.
I sat up and pulled out my phone, squinting at it to see I’d missed a text from Simon.
Are you going to be back soon? I had to meet someone around where you live, so I could stop by if you wanted.
Did I want that? I glanced up at the driver’s seat, where Killian was focusing on the road and the boring podcast that was still droning on. We weren’t going to get closure or resolution that day. Probably we needed some time apart. I wanted him to think about what I’d said, and I didn’t want to have to be the one to make the next move.
Sure! I sent back to Simon. We’re off the exit right now. Should be there in 10.
I’ll wait for you, then, he replied quickly.
It was going to be awkward, but considering the weekend we'd just had, I didn't think it could make anything worse. So when we pulled up to my apartment building and Simon was there, leaning against his car while he waited, I gritted my teeth and didn't say anything to Killian.
I got out of the car, and went to get my bags, smiling when Simon came over to help.
"It's just two things," I told him, waving him off.
"I'm trying to be a gentleman here," he said back, laughing. He took my overnight bag before I could stop him, and when I closed the trunk and looked through the window, Killian was watching us.
I just gave him a look, daring him to say anything or do anything that would start drama in the parking lot.
He held my gaze for a second and then just looked away, clearly not wanting to get into it.
Good. He was finally learning something, then.
Simon glanced at him and then we stood there while Killian drove away.
"So," Simon said. "Who was that?"
"Someone from school," I lied quickly. "We were doing some work for a project."
"He drives an awfully nice car to be in grad school," Simon pointed out.
I shrugged. "What, rich people can't want to get secondary degrees?"
"They can, sure, I just didn't know they usually dabbled in art. That's cool, though. Always nice to branch out." There was a look on his face like he thought there was more going on than I was telling him, and since that was exactly what was happening, I couldn't blame him.
Instead I just ushered him up to my apartment, changing the subject to ask him about his weekend and listening to him talk while we made our way in.
Once I had the door closed behind us and dropped my bags in my room, I felt better. There was distance between me and Killian, and us and the trip and the argument, so I could have some time to decompress.
Of course, I also realized the mistake in letting Simon come over.
Having him in my apartment after I'd just been arguing with Killian over him made me feel guilty. I hated that.
I had nothing to feel guilty for, and I kept reminding myself of that, for all the good it did me.
"Good weekend, though?" Simon asked, leaning against the small kitchen island while I rifled through the refrigerator in search of drinks. I needed to go shopping at some point, there wasn't much to offer.
"Sure," I said, aiming for nonchalance and not the seething bitterness I felt when I thought about it. "It was fine."
Simon hummed. "Fine doesn't sound like it went all that well. Is that guy some kind of asshole or something?"
Ha. He didn't know the half of it. I frowned, though, head still in the fridge.
"He's fine," I replied, because it wasn't really any of Simon's business what went on between me and Killian, and I didn't want to talk about it with him anyway. It would just make things more awkward.
"Sure," he echoed. "If you say so."
Maybe it was my lingering irritation with Killian, or maybe I was just tired, but Simon's words sent a flare of anger through me, and I closed the fridge door with a snap and turned to look at him.
"I do say so," I said firmly. "Why are you pushing it?"
He looked taken aback, and he lifted both hands in a gesture of peace. "Sorry. I wasn't trying to be a dick, I promise. I was just wondering if... well... if he was the reason you aren't sure about me."
It made sense when he put it like that, but I still had the urge to roll my eyes at him. Because of course, the only reason I might not be sure about him was another man. It couldn't have anything to do with my own comfort level and me wanting to figure out what I wanted before I started something with someone.
And no, he wasn't wrong. Killian was a large part of the problem, and the arrangement with him was another big piece, but that didn't mean they were the only reasons.
"It's not about him," I told him. "He has nothing to do with the decisions I make or don't make."
"Okay," Simon said. "Okay. Sorry. I just... I guess it seemed weird to just come out and ask if there was something going on between the two of you."
"I said he was a friend."
"You did. But I'm also your friend, and maybe I think there's something going on between us."
Again, he wasn't wrong. There was definitely something there between us, even if it still remained to be seen if I was going to act on it.
Killian was still in my fucking head with his 'I don't want you to see him' crap, and even standing there, not doing anything but talking made me feel like I was crossing a line.
It was so stupid, but there was a part of me that didn't want to hurt Killian. He'd never deliberately hurt me, after all. And I wanted to be better than he was.
At the same time, Simon was attractive, less irritating, and there, giving me that look that I knew meant he wanted to kiss me.
I was still upset with Killian, and figured I could use some comfort. I deserved it for putting up with his entitled ass.
"There's something going on between us," I agreed. "I think... I think you should kiss me again."
His eyes lit up, and he pushed his glasses up his nose more. "Really?"
I nodded. "Yeah. Just to ref
resh my memory. It helps in the decision-making process."
He laughed and took a step closer to me. "Well. Anything I can do to help you make up your mind."
Chapter 14
Ashlyn
He closed the remaining distance between us, put his fingers under my chin, and he tipped my face up so he could look down at me while his lips touched mine.
There was that immediate spark of heat that came when someone you liked kissed you, and I leaned into it, making a soft noise to let him know it was okay to continue.
He kissed me slow and soft, his lips brushing with mine, pressing lightly and not pushing for more.
I realized, about three seconds into it, that I kept waiting for more. I kept waiting for that spark to grow into something bigger. For him to put his hands on me and pull me closer, to whisper something indecent against my lips and get his teeth and tongue involved.
I waited for that full body shiver to race down my spine and make me want to cling to him and beg him to keep going, but that just... never happened.
It stayed soft. It stayed chaste. It stayed... boring, if I was being honest.
Simon wasn't a bad kisser. His mouth felt nice against mine, and I liked how solid and warm he was, but there was nothing else there. He was just... nice.
Nice wasn't what I was used to anymore. I was used to being taken, grabbed and prodded and spanked and devoured. My blood raced at the thought of the way Killian kissed me, like he was going to try to make me come for him just using his tongue in my mouth and his teeth on my lips.
Simon wasn't the type, and at first I'd really enjoyed that about him. I didn't want someone who was depraved and into being in charge all the time.
Simon was the kind of person to ask before he took liberties, and that had been refreshing and wonderful at first.
Looking back while I stood there, mind wandering while he kissed me, I could see that it wasn't what I was used to. And honestly? I couldn't really say if it was what I wanted anymore.
I had no idea what that said about me, but it probably wasn't anything good.