by West, Harper
I lifted my hands to hold onto Simon, and he deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue into my mouth.
That had promise, so I leaned into it more, parting my lips, tangling my tongue with his. But again, I felt like I was waiting for something.
For him to seize control of things, to grab me harder and devour me with his tongue, to force mine to dance the to tune at the pace he set. I was waiting for him to consume me, and that just clearly wasn't going to happen.
It was a dance, but it wasn't one he seemed interested in leading, and I didn't feel the spark enough to take control myself, so we met somewhere in the middle, awkward and just okay.
When Simon pulled back, his eyes were bright and he licked his lips slowly, a flush spreading over his cheeks. "Wow," he breathed. "I mean, um. Yeah. That was... yeah."
I lifted an eyebrow and forced a smile. "Is that a good yeah?" I asked, even though I was already pretty sure I knew the answer.
I hadn't really even done anything, and he was impressed already.
"Yeah," he echoed himself, nodding. "God. So, I know you want time to think and all, but I have to say again that I really, really like you."
And once again, I felt like a terrible person, and the guilt was thick and real. Simon liked me, and I liked him, too. All the things I'd liked about him before were still there, but now I was looking at him through a different lens, and I just... didn't know if we could make this work.
It was entirely my fault, too. Well. No. It was entirely Killian's fault, but he wasn't there, and I needed someone to blame.
I didn't know what to tell Simon, either. He deserved more than being led on with the hope that maybe someday I would want to be with him.
He deserved better than me.
"I know," I said, sighing softly. "More than I deserve."
"Hey," he said. "None of that. If you don't know how amazing you are, then I'm going to have to spend some time telling you, because you are amazing and beautiful and funny and sexy as all get out. You're confident and brave and smart."
"You don't have to do that," I told him, trying to get him to stop before I felt any worse. "You really don't."
"I know I don't have to, but I want you to know how I feel. In case it helps."
It really, really didn't.
I should not have asked him to kiss me. That was pushing things way too far. I should have just kept my mouth shut or changed the subject or anything. Trying to spite Killian had come back to bite me in the ass in a big way, and I couldn't even blame him for it because it was my own dumb fault.
I took a deep breath and looked at Simon. Really looked at him. He was handsome and smart and kind, and I was just... not feeling the spark I needed to feel from him.
He was a good friend, especially when I needed a break from Killian, but I was pretty sure he was never going to be able to satisfy me in the bedroom the way Killian did. A few months ago, I would have said that wasn't as important as everything else, but now that I had a taste of what it felt like to be rendered into a puddle of satisfied exhaustion on a regular basis, I didn't think I could go back.
Which meant I had to tell Simon that.
I considered letting it drag out a bit more, waiting until I'd addressed my issues with Killian, but that wasn't fair at all.
My issues with Killian had little to do with Simon, even though they were about him, in a way. He didn't know Killian or the issues we were having, and he deserved an answer without me leading him on just because I was being a coward.
I took another deep breath and then let it out slowly, working up the nerve to say what I needed to say.
"So," I said. And then promptly ran out of words.
Simon frowned, looking at me. "I get the feeling I'm not going to like what you're about to say." His face was neutral, but I could see the hurt lurking in his eyes.
Better to just get it over with then. Rip the band-aid off before I had the chance to hurt him worse.
"Simon, I like you so much. You're so kind and smart and interesting. You're such a good friend."
"Ah," he said, nodding. "There it is. The 'you're a good friend, but' conversation."
I sighed. "You're a good friend, but..."
"But you're not interested in me that way."
"I just don't think it would work out the way you want it to work out," I said, aware that it wasn't making things better. "I just... don't feel the way you want me to feel, I think. I'm sorry."
For a second he just stood there, looking uncomfortable and upset. And then he sighed and nodded, running fingers through his hair.
"Alright. That's fair. That's fine. Thank you for being honest with me at least."
"I thought that would be better than dragging it out."
"It is. I appreciated it. I mean, it sucks to hear you don't even want to try, but at least you're being honest about it. Will you answer one thing for me?"
I had a feeling I already knew what the question was, but I figured I owed him at least that. "Sure."
"Is it actually because of someone else?"
I hesitated with how to answer that. The short answer was of course yes, but at the heart of it, that wasn't the real problem. Killian had opened my eyes to a whole new world of pleasure, but I wasn't set on being with him, either. Killian still had a long way to go when it came to learning how to treat other people outside of the bedroom, so neither of them were perfect.
"Not really," I answered finally. "At least not in the way you mean. It's not because I have someone else I want instead. It's just... a way I want to feel."
"And I don't make you feel that way." It wasn't a question.
I shook my head. "I'm sorry, but no, you don't."
"Fair enough," he said with a sigh.
"I hope we can still be friends after this," I offered tentatively. It would be entirely fair if he decided he never wanted to see me again.
He smiled, and it was edged with hurt, but it actually did reach his eyes. "Of course we're still going to be friends," he said. "You're not going to get rid of me that easily. I still need someone to talk to about the trials of running a business and you actually understand my work, so I'm not giving that up."
I smiled back, relief flooding through me. "Okay, good. I would be really upset if we stopped talking."
"We won't. I might need some time to lick my wounds in private, but I still want to be around you. That said, I should probably go, though."
I couldn't blame him for that. "Okay," I said. "Take care, alright?"
"You, too."
He looked at me for another long moment and then headed for the door.
Watching him leave, I actually felt lighter than I had before. I felt bad for hurting him, of course, but I'd actually made some progress in figuring out what I wanted. With Simon out of the picture, things would be less muddled between Killian and I, and we could actually move towards figuring out what the hell was going on with us.
He wanted something, but he was being too much of a coward to say what it was.
Before we could move on, he was going to have to learn to use his words better, and we were going to have to have a real conversation about what was happening.
I was done letting him call the shots and decide how it was all going to go. I'd been fairly passive in our 'relationship' up until that point, letting him decide how things would work out and following his lead and the contract because it was easier than thinking about how I felt.
But that was over now. I was going to have to step up and start laying down some rules of my own if this was going to work even for the next few months.
Who knew what would happen beyond then, but for the moment, I had to focus on the present and what I could do to get us out of the stalemate we were in.
I was tempted to march over there and start making demands immediately, but the little voice in the back of my head was urging me to sleep on it and come up with a plan in the morning.
After the weekend I'd had, I decided to listen.
/>
Chapter 15
Killian
I was seething.
It took everything in me to drive away from that building and not get out of the car and tell Simon to back the fuck off, but I wasn’t stupid enough to think that would do anything other than make Ash furious with me.
More furious than she already was, I was sure.
She wanted him, for whatever reason. She wanted to have the freedom to choose him if she wanted, and I hated that. I hated that what I gave her wasn’t enough. That she wasn’t as satisfied as I was with the things we did.
There was a voice in the back of my head that asked me if I was so satisfied why did I seek out other women, and I ignored it for the moment. That wasn’t the point.
The point was I wanted her, and I was used to getting what I wanted. I hadn’t intended for it to go so far, and maybe that was my fault, too.
Maybe everything was my fault.
I was spiraling, and I could tell, but there wasn’t much I could do about it, standing alone in my apartment. I wanted to break something, to hear it smash to pieces and feel the catharsis that came with that, but then I’d have to clean it up, and I wasn’t willing to do that.
I could have gone down to the club, I supposed, found someone who would fawn over me and be grateful for my attention, but that sounded like too much effort. I wasn’t feeling like the put together, in control dom the regulars at the club had come to expect, and I wouldn’t inflict the mood I was in on a newcomer.
In the end, I called Eve. I needed to let off some steam, and if Ash was off with her artsy, normal boyfriend, then I could see Eve without having to feel even the smallest amount of guilt about it.
"Hi, Killian," she said, sounding breathless when she answered the call. "What's going on?"
"Are you busy?" I asked her. "Because I find myself in need of a willing sub."
"Oh my. That sounds..." She trailed off, and there was a little sigh in the background. "Yeah, I could come over. At your place? Or the club, or?"
She was always so eager. Always so ready for whatever I wanted to do. She craved what I could give her, and I thought with vindictive pleasure that at least someone did. At least someone appreciated what I was bringing to the table and didn't act like it was a complete chore to deal with.
Calling her had been the right move.
"Come over," I told her. "I want to go hard, and I don't want an audience."
Her breath caught, and I listened to her on the other end of the line. "O-okay. God. Um. Okay. I'll be there soon."
I hung up, leaving it at that.
I didn't need Ash. I didn't need her to be the only one who I did things with. I was Killian fucking Abernathy, and there were women who would line up for the chance to be with me.
They would beg, do whatever I asked them to do, just to get tied up and caned or flogged. If I mentioned sex was on the table, then they'd do even more.
I was desired. I was wanted and respected. And one woman not caring about all that wasn't going to be enough to bring me down.
I knew who I was, and Ash couldn't change that.
I nodded, resolute. This would help. I went into the playroom to start putting things together, trying to decide just what I wanted to do to Eve when she got there.
She had a lower pain tolerance than Ash did, but perhaps I would push her a bit. She knew the safe words if she wanted me to stop. I would do some rope work, use my implements, go at her until the loud buzzing in my head quieted down and I could think through the irritation that crackled under my skin.
It wasn't best practices, but I was fine. I knew what I was doing.
Eve showed up about an hour later, dressed casually and looking excited. She was practically bouncing on the balls of her feet when I got the door, and then she took one look at me and deflated a bit.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I nodded. "Yes. I'm fine. Come in."
Her face twisted into a frown, but she came in, shedding her jacket as she did. "Are you sure? Because you seem kind of..."
"Kind of what, Eve?"
"I don't know. Frazzled?"
I laughed, but there was no real humor in it. "I don't get frazzled. I'm fine."
I could tell she didn't believe me, just by the look on her face, and I was beginning to wonder if asking her to come over here had been a mistake. I could have just gone to the club and gotten someone who didn't know me and didn't care if I was alright in the moment. All they would want was to get what I gave them, and I wanted that more than I wanted to be psychoanalyzed or whatever it was Eve was trying to do.
"I don't believe you," she said out right, and I curled my hand into a fist, letting my nails bite into my palm so I had something else to focus on.
"I am telling you I'm fine," I said.
"Where's Ash? Is she here?"
"No. She's at her own home."
I tried to keep my tone even, to not let the bitterness come out when I talked about her, but even I could hear it, and I knew Eve would pick up on it.
"Is... everything okay there?"
I let out a sigh. It was easy to keep denying that anything was wrong and just get to what I had called her over for, but... maybe that wasn't the best way to deal with this. Maybe digging the hole deeper would just make it hurt worse when it came down to it.
"I don't know," I finally replied. "We're... having a fight, I think."
"Oh. About what? Sorry, that might be too personal. Is that too personal?"
"Probably, but I don't..." I trailed off, not sure how to finish that sentence. I knew what was going through my head. The fact that I didn't have anyone else to talk about it with. I wasn't close enough to anyone to tell them about the arrangement, and I knew Ash didn't want Eve to know either, so I'd have to come up with a way to talk around it.
I wasn't one for talking about my feelings. I never had been. My mother had made damned sure of that when she mocked me for even having feelings in the first place.
I told myself these days that I didn't need to talk about things because they were fine. I was fine. I was handling everything well enough, and I was successful, which was a clear measure of how good I was doing.
And yet some of the taunts my mother threw out there when I went to see her landed harder than others, and I knew there was truth to some of them.
Eve was standing there, looking earnest as ever and like she wanted to help, and I realized I'd never so much as even really been friends with the women I dominated.
Ash was the first exception to that rule, and I wondered if that was half the problem.
"Fine," I said with a sigh. "I'm frazzled. Ash is being impossible, and I don't know how to tell her to knock it off without coming off like an asshole."
There was a moment where she looked nervous, but then she smiled softly. "I think Ash is used to you being an asshole."
It was surprising, to hear her say something like that, and it startled a laugh out of me.
Eve and Ash didn't spend that much time together, but clearly when they did, Ash was rubbing off on her. I found I didn't mind that all that much.
"I suppose not," I said, sighing.
Eve looked at me, concern clear on her face. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"There's not much to say, really. We're terrible at communicating with each other. She hears what she wants to hear, I say the wrong things. It's just part of the package."
"I won't pretend like I completely understand what's going on with the two of you," Eve said. "But that sounds like something you need to work on if there's ever going to be anything bigger going on."
"Bigger?"
"More than whatever it is you have now."
"Who said that was what I wanted? Or what she wanted for that matter?" I asked her.
Eve shrugged. "It's a guess, I suppose. You're both very similar, but also pretty different, and I don't know either of you that well. But you have this... chemistry."
"Chemistry?" I arched an eyebrow
and thought back. Maybe she was right. We spent most of our time together arguing about this or that, but maybe that was part of the dynamic. It translated into amazing sex most of the time, so there were no complaints from me, except for times like this when we were both being stubborn and it caused fights.
"You're good together," Eve continued. "Even when she's saying you're an asshole and you get on her nerves or whatever, there's a fondness there. She puts up with you, which means she has to like you at least a little."
"Ah," I replied. "I suppose so."
Only of course it wasn't that simple. She put up with me because she had to. Because the arrangement as I'd set it up meant that if she wanted the money, she had to deal with me. And once that was no longer the case, she was probably going to run as fast as she could away from me. To get back to her life.
"You know the two of us aren't exclusive," I said because I felt like I needed to say something.
Eve nodded. "I know. That's why I'm allowed to be here."
"The thing is..." I started, but I didn't know how to finish that sentence.
"You want to be," Eve said, filling in the blank.
I sighed. No use hiding it. "Yes. I think so. But maybe for the wrong reasons. She seems to think they're the wrong reasons."
"What reasons?"
"She met someone."
"Oh."
Eve frowned, and I could see the gears working in her head as she thought about what to say to that. If Eve, who was sweet and open and definitely one of the women who were prone to fawning over me, thought I was an asshole for that move, then I supposed I really was one.
She was quiet for a long moment, and I sighed because that said it all, didn't it?
"I'm aware it's not really fair," I added, just so she didn't think I was some blind idiot on top of it.
"That's good," Eve said. "Because it's not. I don't... it's none of my business, and I know that, but you have me, and whoever else, and now she has someone, and you're jealous, and that's not the way things are supposed to work."
"I know," I said. "Believe me, I know. And I didn't mean for it to happen like this. At the beginning, I told myself I didn't care who she saw, and that was the truth. I only wanted one thing from her, really, and as long as I got that, I was fine."