The Immortal Continent

by Virlyce

  “They’re one of the five fingers of Kong County. Our Shadow Devil Sect is the strongest of the five, but even we’d suffer losses if we went to war with another one of the fingers. They have four earth-realm experts, including their two phoenixes, while we have five.”

  That’s a bit problematic. I don’t think I can fight against an earth-realm expert. I mean, that selfless senior who blew himself up for the sake of my tribulation was an earth-realm expert, and he had some really scary techniques! Sorta. He could command so many flying weapons! …But they were all destroyed by the black lightning. Hmm. Maybe, just maybe, I can win against an earth-realm expert?

  “You’re thinking of whether or not you’d win in a fight against an earth-realm expert, right?” Ilya asked.

  Don’t read my mind!

  “I asked him”—Ilya pointed at Mr. Shoe—“about a lot of things pertaining to the Immortal Continent to gauge our chances of survival. Right now, you’re a low-ranked saint-realm expert. Before you can become an earth-realm expert, you still have to pass through mid-ranked and high-ranked.”

  Huh. Isn’t that pretty simple? The saint-realm is a whole lot easier than becoming stronger in the pre-legendary realm! Like first I had to be a warrior, then a spirit warrior, then a divine warrior, and each of those were split into low-ranked, mid-ranked, and high-ranked. This is three times less difficult!

  “And the three sections of the saint realm are split even further into three subsections, so there’s a low-low-ranked and a mid-low-ranked and—”

  “Stop! Too many words and I can guess the rest!”

  Ilya coughed. “Not only that, but to go from one subsection of the saint realm to another is as difficult as going from a spirit warrior to a divine warrior. In other words, there are nine walls you have to cross to become an earth-realm expert.”

  Nine walls!? Wasn’t it three times easier just a few seconds ago? How did it become three times harder!? This is why I hate info dumps! Why does Ilya always try to crush my hopes and dreams with facts? She’s the worst. Hmph.

  Mr. Shoe coughed. “If, if you really want to eat something like a phoenix, there’s a restaurant that specializes in serving peacocks. They’re a high-ranked saint-realm beast and the next closest thing to a phoenix.”

  …Did he just say peacock? And it’s almost like a phoenix? “Say … if I fed this peacock a pole-stiffening pill, would it become as strong as a phoenix?”

  “If you fed a peacock a pole-stiffening … pill?” Mr. Shoe’s face turned even redder. Even the base of his black hair was turning red. Gosh, how much alcohol did he drink? I hope he didn’t give Ilya the same amount. I wonder how a drunk Ilya would behave. Hmm. Lucia, no! Don’t give alcohol to minors. “Junior Lucia, please, can you act in a bit more refined manner? Such vulgar words shouldn’t leave the mouth of a woman as beautiful as you.”

  As beautiful as me? And he’s saying that with such a bashful expression. Like a young boy confessing his love for the first time…. This…, this…! Am I being wooed? What the hell!? I’ve never been wooed before! How am I supposed to react!? “M-Mr. Shoe! Restrain yourself! I’m a married woman!”

  Durandal choked on the sword he was eating. I’m going to ignore that reaction.

  Mr. Shoe blinked. “P-pardon?”

  “She thinks you’re coming onto her,” Ilya said. “You haven’t fallen in love with Lucia, have you?”

  Blood flew out of Mr. Shoe’s mouth. Ew. That was pretty gross. The nonexistent chance he had with me has become even less tangible. But why do so many people vomit out blood like that? First it was those people that I robbed back at the temple. Then it was the people who I refused to take the underwear of back at the temple. Then it’s Mr. Shoe. Perhaps everyone on the Immortal Continent has an illness? What illness forces people to cough out blood? Bronchitis? Pneumonia? Eh? How do I know these terms? …I’m not sure.

  “To think a junior of the sect would try to plant a heart devil into me, an elder….” Mr. Shoe wiped away the blood on his lips with the back of his hand. Beads of sweat dripped from his forehead. “To think she nearly succeeded as well.”

  “…How sensitive are you?” Ilya asked.

  “Even if it wasn’t a confession, that was the first time I have ever been rejected in my life!” Mr. Shoe’s back straightened as his chest puffed out. Was he proud? He was taking pride in being rejected? Wait, what did he mean it wasn’t a confession? Do people on the Immortal Continent compliment women like that for no reason? If that’s the case…, I might want to stay here and never go back! Hey. I’m not a narcissist. I just love compliments as much as I love myself—a lot. There’s no one in the world that doesn’t like compliments, okay?

  “Anyways, what are you doing, Durandal?” Ilya asked.

  Durandal paused and put down a half-eaten sword. “Replenishing my energy. Lucia stole a lot.”

  Ilya sighed. “I shouldn’t have asked.” Then she sighed again while shaking her head. “I should not have asked.”

  What was that supposed to mean? Was she looking down on Durandal? She was, wasn’t she? Before I could call her out, Mr. Shoe coughed in a really obnoxious manner that was clearly meant to draw my attention towards him. He must be a narcissist.

  “The restaurant that I was talking about that served peacocks is in the city we just flew over. Would you like to turn around and drop by?”

  “Yes! If I can’t eat a phoenix just yet, then I’ll just eat its unevolved, limper form!”

  “A phoenix is not an erect peacock!”

  Yeah, yeah, okay, Ilya. No need to hit me with facts. Jeez.

  ***

  After eating over sixty swords, I’ve come to the conclusion that all swords were not made equal. First of all, there’s me, the greatest sword in existence. And then there’s these swords that I call exquisite: If I could only eat one type of sword for the rest of my life, these would be it. I can physically feel my meridians expanding when I eat them. Before, I was just a medium that transferred Lucia’s qi, but ever since that fateful night—the one where I lost my dignity—I grew meridians and a dantian. The meridians are channels that transfer qi from the dantian to all the other parts of the body. It’s a shame there were only ten exquisite-tasting swords amongst the ones that Lucia and I had robbed; they all belonged to the saint-realm experts at the temple.

  Next, there are the delicious swords. They have the effect of a tenth of an exquisite sword. There were twenty of them; I’m not sure who they belonged to. And lastly, there’s the alright swords. They’re as their name implies, alright. They ease my hunger at least. Sadly, I ran out of swords.

  “Durandal…. Durandal…? Durandal. Durandal!”

  Hmm? “Yes, Lucia?”

  “You’re acting weird,” Lucia said and tilted her head. Her ears twitched, and I had the urge to rub them. So I did. “Ah. Stop it! The sun’s already up! …Actually, keep going. Mn.”

  “Can you do me a favor, Lucia?”

  “Of, of course!” Lucia’s eyes were closed, and her breaths were getting shorter. I should probably stop before she pushes me down and has her way with me.

  “Can you help me get as many swords as you can?”

  “Are you going to eat them all?” Lucia asked. Her face returned to normal after I stopped, but she was staring at my hand as if she wanted to devour it. She sighed as she met my eyes. “You’re lucky I love you more than I love money.”

  It looks like my future supply of swords has been secured. Can I eat weapons other than swords? I should try it out. I didn’t feel hunger towards them, but there were a few spears and chakrams inside of Lucia’s storage ring. I retrieved a spear under Lucia’s watchful gaze and tapped it with my finger. I should be able to bite through this.

  …It tastes horrible. I can’t do it. Before I could throw the spear away, someone that I completely forgot about appeared inside the room. It was Puppers, err, Gae Bulg. …When Lucia and I are…, does he…? Let’s not think about that. “Do you want to try eating th
is, Gae?”

  “Unlike you, I don’t have my own qi.” Gae sighed as he took the broken spear. He sniffed it before chomping down on the shaft. “It tastes like crap.”

  “Wah!” Lucia let out a sound that made me flinch. “My socks became softer!” Her eyes widened as she stared at Puppers. “Keep eating.”

  “Y-you don’t understand,” Puppers said and cleared his throat in an attempt to regain his composure. “It tastes really, really bad.”

  I understand, Puppers. Ah, I’m calling him Puppers again. Gae Bulg, Puppers, what’s the difference? They’re both two syllables long. Lucia leapt towards Puppers and tackled him to the ground before shoving the spear down his throat. Puppers was forced to bite the spear apart or choke. I’m surprised he didn’t just let himself die to avoid suffering; he dies a lot under Lucia’s care.

  The door swung open at the same time Black Devil Shu’s voice said, “Junior Lucia. We’ve…. This isn’t a good time, is it?”

  Lucia stopped impaling Puppers’ face and looked up at Black Devil Shu. She was still straddling Puppers’ chest with no intentions of climbing off. Lucia’s tail swished, slapping against the ground. Was she angry? “Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?”

  “Uh, no? Is knocking the act of shoving a spear down a beast’s throat?” Black Devil Shu looked genuinely confused. Was knocking on doors before entering not a custom here? How barbaric. “Is … that beast even a beast? It’s wearing armor and has quite a humanoid form.”

  “This is my sock spirit, Puppers,” Lucia said as she stood up but not before giving the spear one last good push that made it vanish down Puppers’ throat. “And knocking is when you knock on the door to let someone know you want to come in. Then that person can hide all the evidence of anything immoral they’re doing, and they’ll let you in afterwards.”

  “But how will people catch you doing immoral things if they knock first?” Black Devil Shu asked. It seemed like a furrowed brow was a universal sign of confusion.

  Lucia threw a brick at Black Devil Shu, striking his face. “The point is to not catch me doing immoral things!” Where did she get a brick from? “Anyways, what were you trying to tell me before you rudely barged in?”

  “Right,” Black Devil Shu said, clutching his bleeding nose. “We’ve arrived at the restaurant. If you look out the window, you’ll see it to your left.”

  Lucia skipped over to the window and pulled open the shutters. Sunlight flooded into the room along with some hints of gold. She squinted outside, and I walked up next to her. There was a building, nearly as large as the boat we were on, that had bright golden characters placed atop its roof. I knew how to read, but I didn’t understand what the characters were at all. Now that I think about it, there were a bunch of unreadable manuals that Lucia had robbed from the natives too. So it seems like there’s a written language barrier. Not like it’d affect Lucia since she was illiterate to start with.

  “Hmm. Can I store the boat like this?” Lucia asked as she touched the windowsill. There was a scream as the boat disappeared and Ilya fell down from above us. I landed on the ground without a problem along with Lucia. The only one who suffered a fall was Black Devil Shu. And Puppers’ face was blue with froth coming out of his mouth, but that wasn’t from the boat disappearing.

  A nice smell caught my attention. There was a small shop across the street from the restaurant. It looked like a weapon store. I’ll have to ask Lucia to go there after she eats her fake phoenix.

  ***

  This restaurant! It’s, it’s…! Kind of bland to be honest. The outside was really fancy with gold plating, but the inside is just filled with red wood. Mm? There’s some weird energy coming off the wood. It feels like qi. Can I absorb it?

  “Greetings, dear customers!”

  Oops. The redness of the wall disappeared. Let’s pretend I wasn’t nearby. I’ll hide behind Mr. Shoe. Hmm, this greeter person almost looks as beautiful as Snow. Actually, a lot of the women here look almost as beautiful as Snow. Are there no ugly women…?

  “How can we help you today?”

  Mr. Shoe gave her a mean look before gesturing towards the sash on his waist that was keeping his robe from opening. Was there something there? I didn’t see anything. The greeter didn’t see anything either apparently because she just stared at him with a blank expression. A dark energy rose up out of Mr. Shoe, and the greeter trembled as she took a step back. Mr. Shoe snorted. “Do you recognize me now?”

  “N-no,” the greeter said, shaking her head as she raised the menus in front of her face. The other customers were starting to look at us. Were they saint-realm experts too? There should be a way to check someone’s realm, right? Other than smacking them over the head and seeing if they survive, that is.

  Mr. Shoe snorted and lowered his head to look at his sash. The aura surrounding his body disappeared as his expression stiffened. “Oh. Right, Junior Lucia stole my badge.”

  His what? Oh! The jade amulet that was on his sash. It looked expensive, so I took it for myself. Finders, keepers! “This one?”

  “An elder of the Shadow Devil Sect!” the greeter said with wide eyes. They bulged so much I thought they were going to fall out of her head. “Please, follow me; I’ll take you to the VIP suite right away.”

  “Just take these three,” Mr. Shoe said, gesturing towards Ilya, Durandal, and me. Puppers was still out of commission after I sacrificed a spear to make him fluffier. “I have to send a message to my sect. Junior Lucia, do you mind passing me my elder token?”

  I have a feeling I won’t get it back if I do. But I will since Mr. Shoe’s actually been pretty nice to me this whole time. Of course, that doesn’t mean I trust him. The people that you definitely can’t trust in a world as harsh as this one are the nice people! No one can afford to be friendly when everyone’s enemies. It doesn’t make any sense. He’s definitely using me somehow; Ilya says it’s to get prestige with the sect if he manages to convince me to join and I end up being super strong.

  “Right this way,” the greeter said as Mr. Shoe left the building. He passed by the gray handprint I left on the wall but didn’t say anything about it. Durandal followed behind Ilya and me, and the greeter led us to a private room in the back of the restaurant. “Here you are.”

  Ilya took one of the menus; I didn’t bother because I couldn’t read, but I wasn’t sure why Durandal wasn’t taking one. I stared at him, but he shrugged and closed his eyes. “I’m digesting.”

  …That’s my excuse.

  “I can’t read this.” Ilya sighed as she placed the menu down.

  Ilya can’t read it…? Then … aren’t I superior to her now? I’ve lived my whole life not being able to read! Whenever I had to order food, well, I just begged for scraps and never ate in a restaurant. But when I had to read things…, I didn’t have to read anything, huh? “Well, that’s okay. We don’t have to order things on the menu. We’re here to eat the cock, remember?”

  “The peacock!” Ilya shouted. She covered her mouth as she glanced at the door, but the room was soundproof, so it didn’t really matter. There were a lot of people outside, but not a single peep could be heard in here. I should figure out what these walls are made of and make a portable bedroom out of it for Durandal. Mhm, purely for Durandal’s sake! I’m chaste! I mean, Durandal’s not really a real person, right? He’s a spirit. Yes, it doesn’t count. It’s simply masticating. …With my lower mouth.

  “Yeah, yeah, same thing.” I waved at the person standing in the corner. “A hundred orders of peacocks!”

  The waiter’s mouth fell open. “I, I don’t think we have that many in stock. Peacocks—”

  “Then give me all you have.” I guess it makes sense. If peacocks are high-ranked spirit-realm beasts, right? That means they’re rare. It’s like trying to find a hundred predators back at home, but I could only find a total of five. Would I feel bad for causing the deaths of peacocks in the vicinity? Nope! I’ve always had a bad relationship with birds. I still r
emember how those scavenger crows used to play pranks on me! And then there were those stupid vultures that couldn’t hurt me, so they flew overhead and constantly tried to poop on me. That was disgusting, but luckily, my Path of Slaughter dodged them all.

  “Right, all the peacocks we have,” the waiter said. Was it just me or was he looking at me like I was crazy? “And for your refreshments?”

  “One of everything on the menu! Oh, that includes food too.” I’ve always wanted to say that. I should have enough money, right? If I don’t…. Hmm. Well, I probably do! I robbed an earth-realm expert after all. And he had a literal mountain of spirit stones.

  “One of every dish, beverage, and all the peacocks we have?”

  “Yup, that’s right.”

  “Very well then, I’ll let the chefs know.”

  The waiter left the room, and Ilya sighed as she buried her head into her hands. Hmm? “What’s wrong?”

  “Withdrawal symptoms.”

  Oh right, she had those. Oh! Peacocks should have bones, right!? I can finally engrave focus bones that actually work! This is great.

  “What!? What do you mean someone ordered all the peacocks!? I came to this restaurant specifically for the peacocks! Do you know who I am? I’m an elder of the Azure Dragon Sect!”

  What’s going on outside? I thought this room was soundproofed? How loud was this person shouting? I opened the door and poked my head out. A man wearing a blue version of the clothes that people in the Immortal Continent liked to wear was standing by the restaurant’s entrance with five people behind him: three women and two men.

  “My apologies,” the waiter from my room said, “the guest in the VIP suite has ordered our entire stock of peacock for the day.”

  “Is that so? Whoever’s in the VIP suite, get the hell out here!”

  …Eh. I closed the door and sat back down. The first lesson of robbing without hurting your conscience is to make sure you’re the victim! No one can complain if the victim robs the bully. So while I’m sitting here cutely and peacefully, if someone decides to harass me, it’s my right to beat them up!