The Immortal Continent

by Virlyce

  “It’s hot chocolate,” Lucia said with a nod. “They don’t have it on the Immortal Continent, right? I ordered every beverage back in the flaccid phoenix restaurant and it didn’t show up.”

  “The flaccid phoenix restaurant…?” Why…, why does that sound so dirty?

  “Mhm. Speaking of restaurants, where do I get some food around here? It’s time for my noontime snack. And then I have to eat lunch in an hour.”

  “Ah, you’re hungry?” Finally, something I can properly help her with! “Here.” I handed her a grain of cooked immortal rice that I pulled out from my interspacial ring.

  Lucia stared at the rice. “…What’s this?”

  She doesn’t know? “It’s rice…?”

  Lucia stared at me instead of the rice. I-I’m not eatable! “This is all? Really?”

  “R-really!” One grain of rice will keep someone full for a month! “I’m given thirty grains a year, so you don’t have to worry about me running out.”

  “…What else do you eat?”

  What does she mean? “That’s it.”

  “You’re given thirty grains of rice to eat every year…?”

  “I also receive a cup of the highest-quality spirit water every month.” One cup of highest-quality spirit water is the equivalent of cultivating for three months. Only chosens are allowed to drink it because it loses its effects the older one is. It won’t do anything for the ancestors of the sect.

  “Don’t you eat anything else?” Lucia’s tail was slamming against the ground over and over again, cracking the earth. She’s clearly agitated. Did I say something wrong?

  “Ah? No. Eating and drinking causes impurities to build up, so my grandparents don’t let me. This is my first time tasting something that isn’t spirit water or rice.” I wonder how many days I’d have to spend at the impurity-cleansing pool to rid myself of this single cup if I drank it. My grandfather says it’s a painful process. That’s why I only dipped my tongue into the cup and didn’t swallow anything.

  “Drink it!”

  “Huh? I can’t. My grandf—!” S-stop! It, it burns! But it tastes so good! Why am I so conflicted!? I, I have to hurry to the impurity-cleansing pool!

  “Where are you going?”

  “Impurity-cleansing pool!” I might not be able to fight as well as Lucia, but I’m confident in my movement techniques! Even an earth-realm expert will have a hard time catching … me!? How is she so fast!? She’s almost as fast as I am!

  ***

  There’s something wrong with this sect. Something seriously, terribly wrong. They’re abusing their chosen! One grain of rice and one cup of water every month for food? Fuck! I had a better life when I was a slave. At least I had a quarter of a carrot every day! And I could drink water whenever I wanted even if it was a bit muddy. “Stop running from me, damnit! Let me feed you properly!”

  “I can’t ingest impurities!”

  “Whose cooking is impure!?” How dare Softie not accept my goodwill! I don’t offer hot chocolate to just anyone! Gah, why do I care so much about this crybaby anyway? She has nothing to do with me. But I just hate how weak she is! She reminds me of a slave with no free will, but she has the power to change that! Grr, I don’t know why I’m so pissed off at her, but once I catch her, I’m going to shove a barrel of hot chocolate and acorn stew down her throat.

  “This isn’t about your cooking, Lucia! Please, stop chasing me!”

  So far, we’ve run down the chosens’ mountain, through a plaza of people, past a marketplace of sorts where suspicious-looking things were being sold. We ran past a field of rice, a couple of mountains with people on them, a few fancy-looking buildings that I should steal on my way back, and an enclosure filled with animals. There’s clearly plenty of animals to be eaten! What’s this one grain of rice a month nonsense!? Now we’re running past a forest of bamboo, and I think I just stepped on a really precious flower because someone screamed when I did, and Softie still hasn’t shown any sign of slowing down. Is she speeding up? This is nonsense! There hasn’t been anyone I haven’t been able to catch since I became a legend. Is it time to bring out the Puppers Ballista?

  “H-how are you still following me?” Softie was slowing down! She stopped in front of a building that looked like a red tower with frills. She swallowed as she inched backwards and pressed herself against the door. “T-this is the impurity-cleansing pool. There’s no violence permitted. And, and you can’t use qi either.”

  Oh really?

  “It’s against the sect rules! Please, stop radiating like that!” Tears fell from Softie’s eyes as she whirled around and pulled on the door just as I grabbed her shoulder. “Elder who’s on duty! Elder who’s on duty! Save me!”

  “What’s going on!?”

  Ah? This voice. I recognize it. Like I thought, it’s Mr. Shoe.

  “Elder Shu, please, save me!” Softie was squirming in my hands, but I wasn’t going to let her go! She’s extremely hard to catch, but extremely easy to restrain.

  “Ah. Junior Lucia. Junior Moonlight. Is something wrong?” Mr. Shoe was inching backwards, and the door to the tower was slowly closing. “Like I thought, there’s no issue, right? Ah-ha-ha.” Then the door closed before Softie could say anything.

  “E-Elder Shu…. Elder Shu! My grandfather ordered me to bring Lucia to the impurity-cleansing pool! If you don’t help me out right this instant, you’ll be disobeying the sect leader’s wishes!”

  Ah? Softie became brave all of a sudden? That’s good! She’s less spineless now.

  “The sect leader may have ordered such a thing, but have you asked Junior Lucia whether or not she agrees? It seems like she’s unwilling or there wouldn’t be such a racket at the door, no?” Mr. Shoe was talking through the door. It sounded like he was standing really far away and getting even further with every word. I also felt the heart devil inside of him growing. Hmm. Is he that frightened of me? There must be something wrong with this Heart Devil Cultivation Technique. It must be making me seem scarier than I actually am!

  “N-no way.” Softie became limp in my arms and her head hung down. Did she lose her spirit? What happened to the spine she just grew? “Why do you have more face than my grandfather…?”

  That’s a compliment, right? I was totally complimented just now. I’ll go a little easier on Softie. “Mm. So what’s this whole impurity thing you were talking about?” Of course, if I don’t like her answer, the punishment of a barrel of hot chocolate will resume!

  “You really don’t know what impurities are?” Softie asked. Her lower lip was quivering, and there were tears in her eyes. …I’m jealous of how pretty she is. I’ll pinch her cheeks to make her face puff up. “Ahwah!? Luciwah? S-shtop!” Ooh, this is pretty fun. Smoosh, smoosh. They’re so squishy and elastic. And I thought squirrels had the softest cheeks.

  “Sister Moonlight is being violated again!”

  “Wife Moonlight!!!”

  Who’s violating someone!? I’m not a pervert, and only perverts can violate people! I’m just playing with her face! “Unrelenting Path of Slaughter: Puppers Ballista!” Mm, I’ll have Puppers deal with the annoying people who don’t know when to shut up. Back to kneading Softie’s cheeks. Smoosh, smoosh.

  “Brother Forest’s been attacked in the sect’s no-attacks-allowed zone! He’s being murdered!”

  It’s a good thing I have Puppers or I’d be the one blamed for attacking someone in the no-attacks-allowed zone. It looks like Softie really wasn’t lying about that rule. A large sect must have a lot of rules, huh? There’s absolutely no way I’m going to remember all of them. Can there be a rule to exclude me from all the rules? I’m going to petition the sect leader for that rule.

  “C-can you let go of mwai face?”

  Ah. I was still holding onto Softie. What were we talking about? Right. Impurities. I know what those are! Those are the things that Durandal said would build up if I continued consuming beast cores like I did while completely ignoring his advice to use them one at a
time! Mm. Why didn’t I remember earlier before pinching Softie’s face? …I’m not sure. Sometimes weird things jostle my memory.

  “Pwease?”

  Oh. I forgot to let go.

  Softie sniffled and rubbed her cheeks. Then she spoke really fast as if she was afraid I’d interrupt her. “Why do cultivators cultivate? For immortality. Cultivators want to transcend the earthly lands and become a part of the heavens. And if we want to do that, we can’t eat earthly foods or it’ll hold us back. We call these earthly shackles impurities. That’s why we have the impurity-cleansing pool. If someone bathes in the pool, their impurities will be cleansed. But prevention is always the best solution, so it’s better to never ingest impurities in the first place. Please don’t hurt me.”

  “So what you’re saying is … you want me to take a bath?”

  “Ah? A bath in the impurity-cleansing pool, yes. Why are your eyes so scary!?”

  Me, scary? Maybe. Me, bathe? Fuck no! I’ll drown!

  ***

  My grandfather has set me on an impossible task. Lucia is vehemently against bathing. I’m not sure why. And it’s not like she smells funny or anything from lack of washing. That’s right. How does she wash normally? “Lucia...? You wash yourself, right?” If she says she licks herself clean like a cat, I’m not sure how I’ll respond.

  “Mm. Of course. Why? Do I smell?” Lucia released my shoulder and sniffed herself. Couldn’t she release my other shoulder too? She was pinning me to the door of the pagoda that the impurity-cleansing pool was located in.

  “Cleansing your impurities is like washing yourself.” On the journey to immortality, impurities are a major hindrance. They slow your qi circulation which slows your cultivation and the speed at which your techniques come out. Impurities can cause health problems. In short, impurities are the bane of every cultivator’s existence. That’s how it is according to my grandfather. Lucia seems like she’d have a lot of impurities since she eats earthly food, but she still reached the saint realm just fine, which is a little weird.

  “Hmm. Promise?” Lucia’s eyes narrowed at me. She looked like a fox eyeing an unsuspecting rabbit. That makes me as pitiful as a rabbit. …Just what have I been doing as a chosen? Why am I so worthless? Compared to Lucia, I’m nothing….

  “Oi.”

  Ow! It really, really hurts when she flicks my forehead. “Y-yes?”

  “You didn’t promise me and started crying instead. Are you trying to trick me?”

  Before I could respond to that, Lucia tripped me and grabbed my waist. Then she slung me over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. This, this is humiliating! “S-someone, help!”

  “My Wife Moonlight’s being swept off her feet by someone other than me!”

  The door flew open, no, it flew off its hinges with a bang as Lucia kicked it down. Elder Shu was nowhere to be found even though he was supposed to be on duty. As a saint-realm expert, there’s no way he didn’t hear the banging noise! I’m going to report him to my grandfather when I have the chance. And who keeps calling me Wife Moonlight!? “L-Lucia. What are you doing?” There’s no point in struggling. Grandfather said Lucia had the strength of a fire dragon. Besides, this is a no-violence zone too.

  “I’m going to look at your impurity-cleansing pool,” Lucia said. Her tail kept brushing against my face, and I had to fight the urge to sneeze.

  “As you should. Our daily spars aren’t challenging enough for you to ingest beast cores properly. I wouldn’t be surprised if those dragon cores are still lying dormant inside of you.” Durandal appeared out of nowhere and walked alongside us. It must be nice having spirits you can summon at will. If I had a few weapon spirits, I don’t think I’d be as lonely. But weapon spirits aren’t very reliable according to my grandfather. They require a constant upkeep of qi even if they’re dormant which greatly slows one’s cultivation. And most weapon spirits have a lifespan of less than a decade. That’s nothing in the eyes of an immortal.

  “Eh…. I’m a very pure person though.” I could feel Lucia nod since my hip was right next to her head. “How many impurities could I have possibly built up?”

  “You eat a lot.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything! If I ate a lot, then I’d be fat, right? But no, I’m not fat. So there! I’m eating the proper amount a girl my age should be eating.” Lucia’s tail smacked my head a few times as it swished back and forth. I heard foxkins’ tails telegraphed their owner’s feelings. It seems like that was true. It’s very easy to tell when Lucia’s upset. I just wish I knew why. It seems like Lucia’s displeased by everything I do…. No one’s ever displeased by what I do. Is it a problem with everyone else, or is it a problem with Lucia?

  “Mm. If you say so.”

  “Durandal! What’s that supposed to mean!?”

  “Nothing. I was agreeing with you.”

  What’s this buzzing sensation by my hip. Lucia’s … growling? Is she going to attack Durandal? I hope not; this is a no-violence zone! “Ah, Lucia. The top floor of the pagoda is reserved for chosen.” There’s so many people here. It’s embarrassing to be carried around like this, but at least, I won’t have to wait in a line. Even though there’s an appointment system to use the impurity-cleansing pool, a lot of sect members take more than the allotted time and a line is formed. But chosens have benefits such as using the purest water at the top without having to wait for anyone else.

  “The top? Isn’t that too far for a chosen to walk? I thought chosens were special; shouldn’t we get the most convenient spot like this room right here?” Lucia knocked on a door nearby, and it fell open. A few women screamed. I think she broke down the women’s changing room…. “Ah, oops. Why’s everything so flimsy here?”

  “Only your mansion’s reinforced to handle your strength,” Durandal said and patted Lucia’s head. Lucia reached over and covered his eyes while dragging him past the room of panicking women. I hope they don’t develop heart devils from this. While planting heart devils amongst each other is encouraged in the sect, it’s a great way of making enemies. Lucia might be a chosen, but her backing isn’t that great. She may have the elders of the sect watching over her now, but if she ever falls from grace, all the people she built animosity with will be waiting to tear her apart. This doesn’t include me, by the way. I’m not going to attack someone who sent Elder Forest flying no matter how far that person falls. My grandfather says I’m too nice.

  “That’s another thing I need to petition the sect leader for then,” Lucia said and sighed. Another thing? What else was she going to ask of my grandfather…? “I take those stairs to go up, right?”

  “Those stairs only lead up.”

  “I was asking Softie!”

  “Y-yes. Those stairs lead to the top of the pagoda.” Is the relationship between Lucia and Durandal not good? I wouldn’t be too surprised, honestly, considering how she treats Puppers….

  ***

  When Softie said impurity-cleansing pool, I assumed it would be an actual pool filled with impurity-cleansing water. That’d make the most sense, right? But this is it? It’s very long and wide, but it has the depth of a metal pan that Ilya uses to bake cookies. Even I can’t drown in something like this. I could probably drink all the water in the pool in a single breath.

  “This is the impurity-cleansing pool. Can you please let me down now?”

  Mm. I held onto Softie because I thought this was a conspiracy to drown me and I was going to use her as a hostage to escape, but it looks like I don’t have to!

  “How does it work?” Durandal stepped to the edge of the so-called pool and crouched down. He touched the surface, and it rippled, but nothing else happened. “Is it broken?”

  “N-no,” Softie said once I put her down. “Spirits don’t have any impurities. Um, Lucia, you have to take off your clothes and wash yourself with the water. Usually, I jump in right away, but if you think that’s too crude, you can wipe yourself with that towel.”

  Of course, I’m wiping myself wi
th the towel. That’s how I always bathe! There’s no risk of drowning with a towel. And no evil monsters are going to appear out of the depths of the water to nibble on my ankles, ultimately causing me to fall over and be consumed completely. Why is water so scary? Water’s like the dark; you don’t know what’s out to eat you inside of it. Time for my first bath since coming to the Immortal Continent!

  “W-wait! Why are you stripping now!?”

  “Huh?” What’s wrong with stripping? Wasn’t she the one that told me to take off my clothes? And once all the clothes are off, I’m not putting them back on.

  “I-I’m still here! A-and Durandal’s a man!”

  “…So?” Ah. I understand why Softie’s so flustered now. “Oh. Don’t worry! Yours are still growing.”

  “Still … growing? What are you talking…. That’s not it!” Softie’s face turned bright red. Was she going to spit out blood too? I hope she doesn’t spit it in the pool. That’d be gross. I have to use this water to bathe, you know? “H-here!” Softie shoved the towel into my hands and ran away. Well…. That’s okay too.

  “Durandal! Eh? Durandal?” Where’d he go?

  “I’m not going to watch you wash, Lucia.”

  Why not!? I guess I’ll drag Softie back in here. What if something weird comes out of the water and tries to drown me? Like a tentacle. Or an azure dragon. Mn, the Immortal Continent’s filled with danger. Can’t be too careful. “Softie! Help!”

  The door to the pool room creaked open. Softie’s head poked inside, but only half of it. “Y-yes?”

  “Come here for a second.”

  “I…. Do I have to?”

  “Yes.”

  Softie took in a deep breath and—then I pounced on her! I wasn’t going to let her flee! How do these robes come off? It should have something to do with this sash, right? Right. Let’s remove this real quick and…, there we go! All done.

  “L-Lucia! M-my clothes!”

  “Silly. You’re not going to wash yourself while wearing clothes, right?” Wearing wet clothes is almost as bad as having wet fur. At least clothes can be taken off. Well, I guess a tail can be taken off too, but it’ll be painful to regrow. No one’s allowed to cut my tail off! Hmm, Softie’s body is really soft. I guess her name’s very suitable. Now, let’s drop her into the pool and see what happens…!? How did she disappear!?