The Immortal Continent

by Virlyce

  “Oh! My plan worked. See?” Lucia suddenly appeared beside me. Then she leaned over and shouted with Emperor Yi’s qi-infused screaming technique, “Try and stop me, you army dogs!”

  ***

  When I was back in the Ravenwood army, the worst thing a soldier could be called was an army dog. It’s probably the same here. I have to enrage and provoke them more and more until a true expert comes out. And even if that doesn’t work, which it will, we’re still going to the capital. According to Softie, we’re three days away if we continue flying at our current pace. Hmm. But why aren’t those soldiers chasing me? “They aren’t following?”

  “Your roaring technique knocked them out,” Softie said. “Do you not know your own strength?”

  Hmm. Well, that’s that. Next!

  And just like that, three days passed by with only fourteen different groups of soldiers trying to stop us. The strongest were some earth-realm experts, but they didn’t put up much of a fight after getting hit by a hammer. No one puts up a fight after being hit by a hammer. Fighting’s actually gotten really boring. I should hunt some beasts or something. I never thought I’d be bored of living a luxurious life. Well, not really! “Let’s go to that fancy-looking restaurant. I bet they sell good stuff.” With all these riches I have on me, it’d be wrong not to spend it all. Money is meant to be spent. Mhm.

  “Chosen Lucia, won’t we be arrested the moment we land?” the disciple on the steering wheel asked. He didn’t have a very memorable face or name, so I don’t know him too well. I actually can’t recognize anyone except for Softie and Ilya. The necklace of intelligence only helps my smartness, not my ability to remember people’s faces.

  “No, we’ll just beat them up if they try.”

  “But, Chosen Lucia, you have to think of the consequences,” the disciple said. “We’re wearing the clothes and crests of the Shadow Devil Sect. If we break the law, it will reflect poorly on our sect and possibly cause our sect a lot of grief.”

  …Hmm. I hadn’t thought about that. I’ve always been alone without any responsibilities for other people. I belong to a sect now; I have to act mature and responsible like the mature and responsible person I am! “Okay. Then we’ll wear the clothes and crests of the Bloody Bull Sect. I have lots of robes for everyone but no underwear. You have to supply your own.” I picked the Bloody Bull Sect because I’m using their hammer. If I’m going to impersonate someone, I have to impersonate them properly! Why didn’t this disciple mention this earlier? Well, the Bloody Bull Sect’s robes are grey, so the color is close enough. We’ve been Bloody Bull Sect members this whole time!

  “I-is this morally correct?”

  “It’s totally fine. If we impersonate people and do bad things, we’ll plant heart devils in the people we’ve impersonated! And planting heart devils is always morally correct.” That’s what Softie told me. She said something along the lines of planting heart devils is immoral if you don’t cultivate the Heart Devil Cultivation Technique, but if you have the technique, you shouldn’t feel guilty since cultivation has many paths and only God can judge whether a path is right or wrong. It sounds like some faulty rationalization, but it absolves me of sin, so I like it!

  After convincing everyone to change clothes, we finally landed the boat for the first time in a while. Sometimes it gets really stuffy in there. Sure, there’s rooms with bathrooms for everyone on board, but it doesn’t change the fact it’s like staying in a very large cage. A comfortable jail is still a jail after all. And as the disciple on the wheel predicted, we were surrounded by soldiers the instant we landed. I retrieved my trusty hammer and brandished it over my head. “Make way for the Bloody Bull Sect!” Why don’t I just stick Durandal into this hammer? I like this hammer a lot. It’s much, much more satisfying to hit someone with it: their bones go crunch! But if I hit someone with mini-DalDal, there’s no sound or physical feedback. They just scream with their limbs gone. Hmm? Does that make me sadistic? Of course not! It just proves I’m part squirrel. Squirrels crack open nuts; we don’t slice them.

  “Lay down your weapons and peacefully surrender!”

  Softie groaned as she clutched her chest. Everyone groaned as they clutched their chests! What was going on? There was a lot of qi pressing down on us, but it wasn’t that unbearable … for me. Where was it coming from? That man! Is he a sky-realm expert? Mm. My tail is a bit perky, but it’s not completely stiff. I can take him!

  “Oh-ho? You’re still standing?” the person who I suspected to be a sky-realm expert asked. He was bald with a scar cutting horizontally across his face. A large portion of his nose was missing, and his teeth were made of gold. “I am Fierce Fire, guard captain of the imperial army!”

  Oh…, so this was the guy who was supposed to give me the earth-realm-ranked sword…. Hm. Hmmm. Hmmmmm. What do I do? If I beat him up now, can I report to him later…? But if I surrender now, then I’ll be admitting I’m a criminal. Ah, why are decisions so hard to make? Well, right now, I’m part of the Bloody Bull Sect! All I have to do is beat him up, escape, switch my clothes, and meet him later as part of the Shadow Devil Sect. I’m so glad Ilya gave me this necklace of intelligence or I wouldn’t have come to such a clean answer! “Hup! Breaking Madness Hammer Strike!”

  The guard captain raised his sword and directly clashed against my hammer. And he wasn’t even pushed back! “You think such low-grade techniques with an even lower-grade weapon can compete with my imperial swordsmanship?”

  Low-grade techniques? Durandal gave me these! Don’t you dare insult Durandal’s gifts to me! “Again! Eat my strike!” My hammer roared as it crashed against the guard captain’s sword, but he didn’t budge again! What the heck!? How does such a tiny body have so much strength? He’s only a little bit bigger than me! “Again!”

  There’s something weird. There’s no satisfying hit when my hammer collides with his sword. It feels like I’m punching a pillow. If I had mini-DalDal, I could make my strike even heavier, but I don’t! There’s only one thing to do: keep on attacking! As long as I have the initiative, he won’t be able to do anything. Left! Right! Up! Down! My attacks aren’t working, but he can’t hit me either. Ah! He’s off balance—here’s my chance! “Breaking Madness—” …Ah? I dropped my hammer?

  “Lucia!” Softie shouted.

  Gah! Shit! I didn’t drop my hammer; this bastard cut off my arms! How did he do that!? “Puppers! Sneak attack, go!”

  Puppers sprang out of my socks with his cloth spear in hand. With a roar, he lunged towards the guard captain and stabbed. I only saw it for a brief moment, but the guard captain’s sword flashed and returned to its original position. Puppers’ head fell off! But in the time it took the guard captain to dispatch Puppers, my arms regrew. This is scary…. I’ve never lost my arms in a fight before.

  “A body-practitioner! And you’ve reached the earth realm. Impressive, but you’re no match for a sky-realm expert like me.” The guard captain smiled as he kicked aside my fallen hammer. That weighed ten tons! No one’s been able to kick it aside as if it weighed nothing! “What do you say? Do you surrender?”

  What do I do? If I teleport away, I’ll be leaving Ilya and Softie behind…. Ah, this is really, really scary! Even my Armor of Slaughter and Impenetrable Shell can’t stop his attack. And I can’t even see it either. Maybe my Heart Devil Apparition will work? But that’ll give away my identity…, unless I shout out a fake name. “Super-Secret Bloody Bull Technique!”

  A tiny predator sprang out of my chest and rapidly grew in size until it was as large as the flying boat. It roared and clawed at the guard captain with its sickle-like nails, ripping apart the air. The guard captain raised his sword, but right before it made contact with my heart devil predator’s claws, the predator disappeared and reappeared in front of the other soldiers. What are you doing, apparition!? You should be targeting the strongest one!

  “Audacious! How dare you resort to sneak attacking my subordinates?” the guard captain glowered at me be
fore whirling around to strike at my apparition.

  Now’s my chance! While the guard captain’s back was completely exposed, I reached into my interspacial ring, pulled out the first thing I touched, and threw it as hard as I could. With a swish, a pair of wet panties struck the back of the guard captain’s head with a sickening splat. …I thought I picked up something solid. Veins bulged on the guard captain’s head as the panties slid down, leaving behind a clear liquid residue on his bald scalp. The guard captain whirled around and glared at me with completely bloodshot eyes, his lips bared like a wild animal.

  “Uh…, that’s not what I meant to do….” Before I could make up any more excuses, the guard captain appeared right in front of my face. There was a familiar piercing pain in my chest…. Fuck! How many times am I going to be hit in the heart!? Ah? Gah! He’s twisting his sword! This fucking sadist! Stop it! I grabbed his wrist and squeezed. There was a loud crunching sound followed by a shrill scream. Eh? He stopped? I thought this man was stronger than me…, how come he can’t escape from my grip?

  “Unhand me!”

  “As if I’d do that, moron!” I kept one hand on his wrist and grabbed his elbow with my other hand. There was another crunch! Crunch! Crunch! Crunch! “I’ll teach you to stab me in the heart, damnit!” Crunch, crunch, crunch. Grind, grind. Crunch! Ooh. This is pretty fun. It’s like tenderizing aurochsen meat. If aurochsen meat screamed, that is.

  “Captain Fire! Someone, stop her!”

  Screams and more screams filled the air. My apparition was still having fun bullying all the weak people. The Shadow Devil Sect disciples were grouping up and fighting for their lives against the other soldiers. The guard captain was squirming around like a worm as I pinched his bones into powder. This is his retribution for stabbing a woman’s breast! How dare he try to mar my beauty? Ooh. This is a fancy-looking interspacial ring; I’ll put this in a safe place. I’ll take this sword out of my heart too. Ugh. It’s such an awful feeling to have metal cut and scrape against my bones and heart. It makes my spine tingle in an unpleasant way. Now I’m mad again! How dare he stab my boob!? Err, heart! How dare he stab my heart!? Crunch, crunch, crunch.

  ***

  “Lucia…? Are your arms really okay?” Ilya pinched Lucia’s bare bicep, causing her to twitch and growl. Lucia had … brutalized the guard captain, stripped him and his subordinates of everything, and left them for dead. Then she entered the restaurant that she wanted to eat in and ordered a private room that could fit a hundred people. The room was already reserved for someone, but the restaurant decided to yield to Lucia after seeing the broken bodies lying outside their front gates. And once all of our sect brothers and sisters entered the room, Lucia had us switch out of the Bloody Bull Sect robes into our Shadow Devil Sect ones. Her plan isn’t going to fool anyone…, but she’s extremely sure no one will figure it out. I wonder where her baseless confidence comes from. People have the tendency to project themselves on others—maybe Lucia thinks people won’t recognize us because she wouldn’t if she were exposed to her own plot.

  “I can’t believe that bastard cut my arms off,” Lucia muttered and sniffed her arms, sniffing each one twice. “Only I can cut other people’s arms off! They’re not allowed to cut off mine! It hurt a lot, damnit.”

  “Maybe you should consider that and, you know, stop cutting people’s arms off?” Ilya asked, raising an eyebrow. I don’t agree with Ilya on many topics, but this is one where she has my full support. The fewer arms Lucia removes, the less reputation she’ll receive. Immortals may be searching for Lucia because of her lineage. Immortals! They’re people who’ve transcended their lifespans, able to live forever—as long as they’re not killed. Immortals can be killed? It rarely happens, but yes, they can. They just won’t die of old age. Yes, yes, the name isn’t very fitting, but it is what it is.

  “Eh….” Lucia’s forehead wrinkled. She was about to say something, but a strong aroma of roasted meat permeated the room. The door swung open as a line of waiters entered, each carrying platters filled with dishes on both hands. It didn’t take long for the plates to be equally distributed between all of us, and it took equally as long for Lucia to finish her first plate. Then she stole the food off of my plate, but I didn’t mind. The less impurities I ingested, the quicker I’d catch up to Lucia. …I shouldn’t kid myself; I’ll never catch up to her.

  “Softie?” Lucia asked. She stared at me with a haunch of meat held by both her hands. Her head was tilted to the side, and a smear of grease covered her lips. “Are you upset I stole your food?”

  “No?” Did I look upset? I’m very good at controlling my facial expressions when I’m not nervous or embarrassed. Lucia shouldn’t have seen anything wrong with me.

  “But the heart devil inside of you is growing,” Lucia said. “It’s because I stole your food, isn’t it?”

  “It isn’t.” A heart devil made of insecurities…. Who would’ve thought that the chosen of the Shadow Devil Sect would someday be so insecure about her own abilities that she’d develop a heart devil? It’s quite ironic, isn’t it? Every passing day, I’m sprinting forward in my cultivation with all my might, but Lucia’s back keeps getting further and further away. The day where her back disappears completely isn’t too far from now, huh? She’s part squirrel…, part mythical beast. I’m, I’m just a regular person blessed with a little bit of beauty.

  “Oi, oi.” Heat spread across my lips as Lucia pressed the haunch against my mouth. “The heart devil’s growing larger after you said that. The food tastes great, but it isn’t better than anything I can make! You’re not missing out on anything even if I steal your food, Softie. But since you’re so upset, I’ll stop taking yours, okay?”

  “It really isn’t about the foo—”

  Lucia cut me off by shoving the meat into my mouth. I’m glad she cares about me, but all this food will do is increase my impurities and decrease my cultivation speed….

  “How is it? Better?” Lucia asked, her face split by her smile. I nodded. My heart always felt fuzzy when she smiled. Lucia exhaled. “Phew. That’s good. I thought you were going to cry again.”

  I-it’s true that I cry more often than a normal person, but it’s not something that happens every day! “I wasn’t going to!”

  “Mm. Okay, whatever you say, Softie,” Lucia said and nodded before waving at a waiter. “More food!”

  “Which audacious person dares to take the reservation of this prince? Come on out!” A male voice drifted into the room as the waiter opened the door. With a grunt, the waiter was pushed aside as a well-dressed man marched into the room. He wore a purple cloak with a golden crest as its clasp, a symbol of the royal family imprinted upon it. “Manager Forest, what is the meaning of this? You gave a third-rate sect the room that I reserved? Are you tired of living?”

  “Fourth Prince.” The manager, who was cowering in the corner of the room, clasped his hands and deeply bowed his head. “These esteemed guests were the ones who disabled Guard Captain Fire and left those wounded soldiers outside.”

  The fourth prince stiffened. “Defeated Guard Captain Fire?”

  “No, we didn’t do it!” Lucia shouted as she shot to her feet. “That’s slander! The Bloody Bull Sect were the ones who flew through the air and beat up the people trying to apprehend them. We, the Shadow Devil Sect, have nothing to do with the bodies outside!”

  The trembling manager swallowed once before lowering his head, perspiration dripping onto the ground. Heart devil worms were rising and sinking from Lucia’s shadow like boats swaying on the surface of an ocean. The prince’s gaze shifted from the manager to Lucia, then back to the manager, then back to Lucia, then finally onto me. Onto me…? I resisted the urge to sigh. It’s because I’m not wearing my veil, isn’t it? Sometimes being born beautiful is a curse. The prince’s expression softened as he stepped towards me and extended a hand. “Fair maiden, my—”

  “Scram! You’re blocking my food’s way!” Lucia lifted the prince by the
back of his collar and tossed him out the window. The waiter that was stuck behind the prince froze, a dumbfounded expression painted on his face. Lucia’s ears perked up as she beamed and sat in her seat before patting the empty space in front of herself on the table. “You can put that right here.”

  …Maybe Lucia should’ve continued to wear the Bloody Bull Sect’s robes. Defenestrating a prince..., why does it seem like Lucia and royalty just don’t mix?

  ***

  Ah, being smart is such a burden sometimes. You think of the strangest things! Like didn’t Softie say people ate immortal rice to avoid impurities, especially cultivators? Then why are there restaurants filled with such good food at such expensive prices? Three hundred spirit stones per dish! How is a regular non-cultivator family supposed to afford that? Back home, a single spirit stone was worth tens of gold, and a family could live off of a single gold for a long time! Three hundred spirit stones? That’s thirty sets of used underwear! …Huh. Actually, it’d be pretty easy for a family to afford a dish…. If that something succubus sect existed back home, then I wouldn’t have had to work a single day in my life. I could’ve bought my freedom by selling my underwear!

  Hmm? Who’s tugging on my sleeve? Oh, it’s Softie. “Lucia, you, um, threw the prince out the window. I think that’s an even worse crime than flying….”

  “Prince? What prince?” I tossed someone out the window? Why don’t I remember this? Hmm. I was waiting for my food, then there was some shouting and I cleared up a misunderstanding about my identity, then something got in the way of my food getting to me so I removed the obstacle. Was that a person? Nah, it was a bit too tall to be a person.