The Immortal Continent

by Virlyce

  Ah…, it’s been a long time since I worked so hard for something. But it’s finally done! Three thousand earth-realm experts’ heads have been harvested! It only took three straight days of nonstop duels at the second battlefield to get this many. I haven’t eaten, slept, or cultivated in that whole time. This is the power of the giantest bone of focus in the world! But now that my goal is finally accomplished, I deserve to take a break. A nice meal followed by a nap. Then when I wake up, we’ll be back at the camp, and I’ll be able to turn in these heads for a sky-realm-ranked sword that I can stick Durandal into. Then I’ll have sex with him for a whole month straight! I have to make up all that lost time! Ah, but Ilya should make Durandal virile before that. Mm. I hope she doesn’t take too long. Eh, she’s a genius. I bet she’ll fix him up in an hour or two at most!

  “Good work, everybody! Let’s go back to the camp now!”

  Claw did an especially good job. He easily passed through his tribulation with the help of everyone at the battlefield, and then he became a mid-high-ranked earth-realm expert from harvesting those couple thousand heads. Mm? Is his cultivation higher than mine? I have no clue! I just practice the Heart Devil Cultivation Technique because it gives me tingles; I don’t keep track of my cultivation! The only thing I need to keep track of is the number of heads I have, and I don’t have to count those anymore. Well, I wasn’t the one keeping count in the first place. Ilya and Softie did that for me. Both of them were counting because they had to take turns staying awake.

  “Wasn’t our mission to capture one of the eastern outposts?” Softie asked. “Don’t we have to do that before we can return?”

  “Eh…, we’ll just say we did it. If we all agree, then the crown prince will have to believe us! And if someone goes to check, then we can just say it was taken back after we left. Mhm.” This is called using one’s brains to accomplish tasks! Why work when you can lie? I already did so much! I don’t want to take a stupid outpost.

  “But what if the crown prince tells us to make oaths to the heavens?” Softie asked.

  “…Fluff Seven Hundred Seventy-Six, come out!” I made sure to hide my chest from any onlookers before releasing an apparition. “Alright, Fluff Seven Seven Six, your mission is to take over the eastern outpost I was supposed to take over, got it?”

  Fluff Seven Seven Six shook his head.

  …You were supposed to understand! What part don’t you understand!? Mm. Maybe my orders weren’t specific enough? “You want me to tell you the specific location?”

  Fluff Seven Seven Six bobbed his head up and down.

  “Well, I don’t know! If I knew, I would’ve told you earlier. Alright, how about this? I’ll summon another thousand apparitions, and you lead them to take over every outpost east of here. If the outpost’s unknown, then you’ll have to take them all over just in case.”

  “Lucia!” Softie shouted at me in her whispering voice. I still don’t know how she does that. “That’s a terrible, terrible idea! Did you forget what I said about your apparitions’ appearances?”

  Mm…. I can’t remember anything. I think that’s a side effect of sleep deprivation. Or it’s a lack of food that’s making my brain weak. Or both! Yeah, I think it’s both. So tired. And hungry…. Appearances? Ah! There must be something wrong with Fluff Seven Seven Six’s appearance. I’ll just use my Heart Devil Apparition to whip something up … and done!

  “Lucia! What are you doing!?”

  “I made Fluff Seven Seven Six a hat and bowtie.” He’s presentable now! There’s nothing wrong with his appearance anymore. He’s very adorable if I may say so myself. If I were full squirrel, I’d definitely fall for him. But I’m only part squirrel, so I won’t! Right! I have to fix Durandal! “Okay. All loose ends are tied up! To the camp!”

  “Is Lucia alright?” Softie whispered to Ilya. “I think something’s wrong with her.”

  “Well, yeah, something’s wrong. There’s literally nothing right about her,” Ilya whispered back.

  It seems like Ilya’s head has an itch that can only be scratched by my knuckles. I’ll do her a favor.

  “W-wait! Stop! How is your hearing so good!?”

  Eh? Why’s Fluff Seven Seven Six tugging on my sleeve? I thought he was Softie for a second. Oh! I forgot to summon the other thousand apparitions. Is there a fast way to do this? Mm. “Come out a thousand apparitions!” …It worked? It worked!? Why did I summon all the apparitions before Fluff Seven Seven Six one at a time!? Well, you learn something new every day even if you’re a genius, huh?

  Before I could even touch the statue’s head to leave the battlefield, my apparitions bit and clawed at the air until holes appeared out of nowhere. Then they leapt through and vanished, the holes in the air fixing themselves. Softie cleared her throat. “Um, Lucia? Did your apparitions eat the boundaries of the formation just now?”

  How was I supposed to know? The only thing I know about formations is … nothing! They’re like magic. I’ll never understand how they work. All I know is breaking them weakens the person maintaining them. Hmm? If my apparitions broke part of the formation just now, then shouldn’t someone be suffering right now? Who’s maintaining it? Ah, I guess that doesn’t matter. It’s not my problem! I have bigger things to worry about! Like the color of the sword I’m going to pick. Hmm, hmm. And the first step is to leave the battlefield!

  …What’s with this ominous feeling? Why are there so many people standing in the sky?

  “They’re the Shadow Devil Sect, not the people we’re looking for.”

  One of the flying people landed in front of me, and my tail stiffened. Even though my disguise prevented other people from seeing it, I could still feel my tail! This person’s dangerous!

  “Have you seen the Flaming Sparrow Sect?”

  Crap. These people are looking for me, aren’t they? Did I really create that big of a commotion as Fiery Rain!? All their sky-realm experts came out! “Ah…. Yes. Yes, I did. Those bastards robbed us of our merits. Their leader, Fiery Rain, was especially coldhearted! She took my underwear!”

  The man’s eyes glinted. “Where and when did you see them?”

  “Uh, a few days ago near the battlefield in that direction.” That’s when I robbed them! I’m not lying. I really did meet the Flaming Sparrow Sect there.

  “Young Master!” one of the old men flying above said. The man in front of me raised his head. “I’m sensing Sun Fire’s aura coming off of this woman’s bracelet! It’s almost as if his essence was converted into an artifact.”

  My bracelet? The thing disguising me? Ilya made it out of a person!? What the fuck is wrong with her!? I don’t want to wear dead people! That’s so gross and … actually, I wore bones all the time back at home during my hunting sprees. Mm. It’s not that bad, I guess. Wait, no! This is a disaster! Couldn’t she have made the bracelet out of someone less important!?

  “Where did you get that bracelet?” the man asked. His hand was on his sword’s hilt, his fingers draped across it. He seemed relaxed, but my tail was stiffening so much that my fur was poking into my back.

  “I, uh, found it. On the ground. Mhm.” He’s not saying anything. Did he believe me?

  The man smiled and took a step back. He fell for it!? “She’s highly suspicious. Capture her.”

  Well, shit.

  ***

  “Wait!”

  The slightly less than twenty sky-realm experts paused in their tracks. Wow, they actually listened? I wasn’t expecting them to stop. Now, what can I say that’ll get us out of this pinch? Lucia, Softie, and Claw have all frozen up from the overwhelming pressure. I’m not sure why I’m the only one not affected, but that means I’m the one who has to get us out of this mess.

  “A saint-realm junior is able to resist us? Interesting. What did you want to say?” the man closest to Lucia turned towards me and smiled. I’m guessing Lucia wasn’t being aggressive because she knew she wouldn’t be a match for all of them. She’s a lot like an animal in that regar
d. She’ll only pick fights she can win.

  “This goes against the contract between our two countries.” That’s right! These sky-realm experts’ actions are violating the rules of engagement that the crown prince had given us through the navigator. I read it all and thought it was bullshit, but that doesn’t mean I forgot them right away. “Aggression will not be tolerated between the two countries unless the acts of aggression take place on the battlefield in the form of a one-on-one duel.”

  The smiling man turned to the older one hovering above him. “Is this true?”

  “Yes, those were the terms we agreed upon.”

  “If we capture them all now, will anyone find out?”

  “That is highly unlikely, Young Master.”

  “Then capture them all and don’t let anyone find out.”

  This lawless bastard! He’s just like Lucia! “Stop! We’re direct subordinates of Crown Prince Single Sky. If you capture us, our crown prince won’t be very pleased.”

  The smiling man blinked and turned towards the old man again. “Will that be a problem?”

  “Yes. Since Sun Fire died, we’re down a sky-realm expert. The crown prince of Kang Country holds a lot of sway. If he truly is angered by our actions, he’ll gather their experts to face us.”

  The smiling man’s eyes lit up. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance he won’t get mad at us?”

  Why is he exactly like Lucia!? Hah…. I think the better question to ask is why are all the strong people so irresponsible? Alright, if this man is like Lucia, then he must have a vice. “Have you ever heard of hot chocolate before?”

  “Are you addressing me?” the smiling man asked and raised an eyebrow. “No. What is this hot chocolate?”

  “It’s a very tasty drink fit for immortals.” Alright, that may not be true right now, but once Lucia becomes an immortal, it’ll be the perfect line of advertisement. “Would you like to try some?”

  “Fit for immortals? A saint-realm junior has something like that? Very well, serve me a plate of this … hot chocolate.”

  “It’s a drink. Here’s a cup of it.” They weren’t wary of me at all when I went up to the smiling man, who I assume is their leader. They probably didn’t think I could do anything to them, and that was true. I didn’t even bother poisoning the cup. I just pray that this man is as stupid as Lucia. If he likes the chocolate, I’ll offer him the recipe in exchange for our freedom.

  “Peculiar smell,” the leader said and swirled the hot chocolate with small motions of his wrist. He brought the cup to his lips and took a sip. His brow wrinkled, and he spat the hot chocolate onto the ground. “This is filled with impurities. Disgusting. No immortal would drink something like this. No, no cultivator would drink something like this! Their cultivation would slow by hundreds, no, thousands of times. You realized poisons wouldn’t work against me, so you tried to sabotage my future?”

  …Well, this plan horribly backfired. “W-wait. But how was the taste?”

  “Huh? The taste? It tasted like impurities.”

  Alright. I tried. I mean, there’s another vice I can try. I pointed at Softie. “Will you let us go if I offer her to you as a wife?”

  “I-Ilya!?”

  “Oh? She’s certainly very beautiful, but my cultivation partner would murder me,” the leader said and shrugged. “If this is all you had to say, then I’ll proceed with capturing you now.”

  “Stop right there!!!”

  I think my ears exploded. I can’t hear anything. Yeah, there’s blood pouring out of my ears. And it wasn’t just me; everyone here has blood flowing out of their ears, eyes, and nostrils. What the hell is going on? Someone shouted and this happened? I’ll heal my group first. Light, answer my call, Restore!

  “—yaaaaa! Oh? I can hear again.” Lucia swiveled her head around before blinking at me. “Good job blowing out their eardrums, but I still don’t think we’ll win if we fight them.”

  “No, I wasn’t the one who did that.” Did Lucia really think I could wound this many sky-realm experts at once? Just what does she see me as…? Her demands for me are definitely going to be impossible to fulfill in the future.

  “If it wasn’t you, then who was it?” Lucia tilted her head. The sky-realm experts, who had retreated and were standing away from us, seemed to have fixed their injuries as well by consuming pills.

  “What was that?” their leader asked. “Was that an immortal?”

  The old man hesitated before nodding. “I think so, Young Master. But why would an immortal come to a battlefield like this?”

  “You fucking squirrel! You think you can get away after stealing my food!? Let this devil teach you the true meaning of fear! That’s right. Run, run! See if you can escape from my ultimate technique!”

  From between a cluster of trees that were blocking our view, a gigantic squirrel made of heart devil worms jumped out, running straight towards Lucia while making loud clicking sounds. Lucia’s eyes nearly bulged out of her head. “Fuck! Are you serious!? Don’t fucking run over here! Run towards them!” Lucia whirled around and grabbed me and Softie while sprinting as far away from the squirrel as she could. The other sect members were stunned for a bit, but they quickly ran after us as well. The squirrel, however, ran in the opposite direction towards the group of sky-realm experts. It leapt straight at their leader and dove into his chest, shrinking down to fit inside his heart.

  “Beastly Corruption of the Seven Virtues, God-Slaying Beam!”

  I saw it clearly since I was slung over Lucia’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes with my head being tickled by her invisible tail. A massive pillar of black light engulfed the sky-realm experts and everything around them, and just as quickly as it came, the pillar disappeared. I wasn’t sure if I blinked or not because it was over in an instant. The sky-realm experts slowly fell forward onto their faces, unmoving.

  Loud laughter boomed overhead as a dark figure appeared above the corpses. He was dressed in pitch-black clothes, but his skin was extremely pale, sickly even. His eyes were red, and he had two horns protruding out of his forehead just above his eyebrows. “Eat that, you stinking tree-rat! I don’t care if you’re a squirrel or a buddha. No one touches this immortal’s meal!” His head turned to the side, and his eyes met mine. The next second, he was right in front of my face. If it weren’t for all the times Lucia popped up in front of me for no reason, I really would’ve screamed. “Hey. Got any snacks?”

  Lucia stiffened and stopped running. The front of my robe was wet from the sweat that was profusely leaking out of her back. I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Y-yeah.” Even I can’t stop myself from stuttering when confronted by an immortal! I slipped out of Lucia’s stiff grasp and reached into my interspacial ring, pulling out the first food product I put my hands on: a barrel of hot chocolate. “H-here.”

  “Oh! This is hot chocolate!” The immortal’s eyes lit up as he popped off the top of the barrel. “I haven’t seen this stuff for over ten thousand years. Sweet. As thanks, you can have all that crap.” He put the lid back onto the barrel and gestured at the sky-realm experts lying on the ground. “Watch out for squirrels, yeah? They love tormenting smart people like you.”

  Before I could respond, the immortal vanished. Squirrels love tormenting people like me? Well, that’s true; just look at Lucia. But did this really happen? We were about to be captured by a group of sky-realm experts, but an apparition that Lucia released on one of her crazy whims stole the food of an immortal and brought that angry immortal over to us, and the angry immortal smote it along with all the sky-realm experts who were trying to capture us. That’s a bit … bullshit-like? If anything, I thought we would be saved by the crown prince or a group of sky-realm experts. Life’s weird sometimes. Like a poorly written story.

  “Um, Lucia?”

  “What’s up, Softie?”

  “I, I think I soiled my panties.”

  “…I didn’t need to know that.”

  “B-but I…, I thought you’d wa
nt them….”

  …People are weird too.

  ***

  Rest in peace, Fluffles, you were a good boy—except when you were eating my heart devil wormies. Ah, poor Fluffles, he was eradicated by that freak. Right. That freak. I’ve never been so scared for my life! It felt like I could’ve died if he sneezed. Ilya’s really brave for being able to talk to him. Mm, well, I’m very grateful to him since he saved our asses, but he’s in a whole ‘nother realm. One day, I’ll become as strong as him! Maybe. As long as the road there doesn’t take too much effort and isn’t painful. But today, my eyes have been opened. There are some really fucking scary individuals out there. I should just go back to the little pocket realm and hide for the rest of my life. Mn. That sounds like a good goal. I’ll have a lot of children with Durandal—after Ilya fixes him—and live out the rest of my days drinking hot chocolate while minding my own business. Right. Squirrels are hated by the Immortal Continent; I have no reason to stick around! Softie said people as scary as that immortal were going to chase after me if they found out I was summoning squirrels with my Heart Devil Apparition technique. Speaking of Softie, “I don’t want your panties, damnit!” …It feels weird to take the panties of someone I know. She should just hand me the ten spirit stones I could’ve sold her panties for instead; I have no qualms with borrowing and never returning my friends’ money! Though, for a while, Ilya was my only friend. I’m sure she didn’t mind either.

  “Lucia? The immortal’s gone now, …I think. Do you want to loot those corpses?” Ilya grabbed my sleeve, separating me from Softie. Her fingers were trembling. “I’d check it out myself, but … yeah.”

  You think you’re the only terrified one here, Ilya!? “Ahem. Passionate Cloud, you’re up! Go bring those bodies over here while we hide in this hole that I’m going to dig as a precaution.”

  I figured out another reason why cultivators live in holes. It makes them feel safe. There’s just something about a burrow that’s comforting. Like, if you’re hiding in a burrow, there’s no chance an owlkin is going to swoop down and eat you in the middle of the night. Mm, owlkin’s don’t eat beastkin, but you know what I mean. Ah, my train of thought keeps running away! Did my giantest bone of focus wear off already? Well, that’s no biggie! If those corpses aren’t a huge trap left behind by that immortal, then I’ll have so many sky-realm experts’ heads! Wait a minute…, I’m sure their leader had a sky-realm-ranked sword! I’m sure of it!