The Immortal Continent

by Virlyce

  The most delicious thing in the world? Is that it, on the ground over there?

  Hmm? The tablet pointed its needle at my feet. “No? There’s no ac—”

  Gah! Fuck! It tricked me! It fucking tricked me! I was tricked by a rock! …Eh? I’m pretty sure the needle’s stabbed into my forehead right now, but it doesn’t hurt?

  I told you. The transfer needle is painless.

  Oh…. Maybe this tablet isn’t such a bad person after all?

  I am starting the technique transfer process. Rest assured, this will be painless as well … unless you’re an idiot. On second thought, this is going to be very painful. Brace yourself.

  “W-wait! Ow! Stop!” It, it hurts! I’m going to die! It feels like someone stabbed my head with a giant fucking purple needle to mush up my brain! I hate learning! Why is learning so painful!? This technique sucks! Stop, stop, stop, you stupid tablet! Gah! This really, really hurts! I’m going to die. Here lies Lucia Fluffytail; she was murdered by a rock. That’s what Ilya will inscribe on my tombstone. And Claw and all my other minions will kowtow in front of it over and over until their heads are bleeding. And Softie’s going to cry a whole bunch before burning her panties as an offering for me in the afterlife. And I’ll never get to see or fuck Durandal again. And Puppers will be so devastated that he’ll never search for another master right up to the day he disappears. And poor Mrs. Wuffletush is going to eat Reena out of the hunger that comes with depression. And—

  You know the process is over, right? Now that my master’s final wish has been fulfilled, I can finally rest. I wish you luck, airheaded squirrelkin.

  —Mirta, ah? It doesn’t hurt anymore? Whew! I thought I was a goner. What did I end up learning anyways? “The Despairing Blade….” Wow. Just like the tablet, the name of this technique is super depressing. I don’t think I’m going to use it. Ah! This mind-reading tablet’s going to hate me for thinking that!

  …Tablet? Hello? Mm? It’s not moving or glowing anymore. “Is it dead?” Hmm. Did it say something about leaving? I think it did….

  “Weren’t you listening?” Ilya asked. “It said it can finally rest since it fulfilled its master’s final wish. And, uh, thanks. I thought you were going to leave me behind to die but was pleasantly surprised you only used me as bait instead.”

  …Is she sincerely thanking me or is that sarcasm? I can never tell with Ilya. I’ll ignore it. Mm, the best way to win is to not play! “So, you think I can use this tablet to upgrade Durandal at the altar? We’re at the altar, right?” There’s writing on the wall, and we’re at the very end of the Cave of Wonders, so I’m assuming this is the right place.

  “Probably. The tablet wasn’t damaged by your sky-realm-ranked hammer. It must be made of something of equal or higher rank.”

  Great! “Then I’ll use this tablet! How’s the altar work?”

  Ilya stared at me. “Just a few moments ago, you were nearly crapping your pants from fear. How does your mood change so fast, and how can I become like that too? My knees are still shaking!”

  Mm? Did my mood change really fast? I didn’t notice. It must be because I’m a fearless genius!

  Ilya sighed. “Right. Ignorance is bliss. The ignorant are always happy.”

  …I’ll noogie her after she tells me how to work this altar.

  Chapter 23

  I made a mistake. I thought I could merge with a sky-realm-ranked sword after facing my tribulation, but it turns out I was wrong. I wouldn’t have minded being placed in an earth-realm-ranked sword at that point, but the smith offered Lucia an alternative to increase my grade. So, when Lucia tried to place me into an earth-realm-ranked sword, I refused and told her that I said a sky-realm-ranked one.

  That’s right. I’ve been conscious this whole time. Normally, a spirit is dormant if it isn’t housed in a weapon. But for some reason, after defeating that featherless bird, which I now know was an unborn phoenix, I’ve kept my consciousness despite living outside a weapon. I do feel a little bad for ignoring Lucia, but … I need my space. Every time I tried cultivating before my tribulation, Lucia would always interrupt me. I’d never get a good session in because she’d drag me off to bed without caring for my cultivation. Besides, Lucia has Softie now to take care of some of her needs. And my absence drove Lucia to greater heights. Taking a break has been beneficial to both of us. The only thing I have an issue with is…, sometimes, I wish Lucia would keep me in a more … normal … place. I know Lucia knows about my dislike for interspacial dimensions, but really? She stores me down there instead?

  Anyway, it seems like I’m about to be upgraded at this altar in the Cave of Wonders. Lucia plans on fusing me with the tablet she just obtained a few moments prior. There was a spirit inside it, but according to Ilya, it should be gone now. …It should be gone. What if it isn’t? That spirit overpowered Lucia in a body that didn’t even have arms or legs. If it’s still there, this’ll be quite the ordeal. But no one ever grew stronger without taking risks. I’ll face this spirit and consume it to fuel my growth.

  Lucia placed my spirit seed atop the altar and laid the tablet down beside me. Then she dumped a tremendous amount of spirit stones on top of me, blocking my view. “Is that it?”

  “It should be,” Ilya said. “The spirit seed, the item, the spirit stones, yeah. Everything’s in place. Now you have to start the altar by kicking it.”

  “Kicking it…?”

  That doesn’t sound very reassuring. But the altar must’ve been designed by an immortal seeing as it’s in a necropolis for immortals. It should be sturdy enough to withstand one of Lucia’s kicks. There was a thudding sound and a slight tremor. My vision, which was black, turned golden as the spirit stones smothering me lit up. The light grew brighter and brighter until all I could see was white. Then a stone tablet with a small cactus growing out of its face came into view. Was that the Tablet of Madness?

  “What’s this? That stupid girl used me as a fusion material?” The cactus spoke! Its body split apart as it talked, forming a crude mouth. “Right after I exerted so much energy too…. This is going to be annoying.”

  I seem to be fighting the strangest things to grow stronger. First, it was a featherless bird. Now, it’s a talking cactus. I’ll slice it apart with…. I don’t have a sword. No, I don’t have anything. I’m completely naked right now, and I can’t circulate any qi. Am I being suppressed?

  “Are you mute? You have a mouth; use it.”

  “Greetings.” I’ve never spoken to a cactus before. What am I supposed to say? “Nice weather we’re having, huh?”

  A pair of eyes sprouted out the top of the cactus like ant antennae. Was it looking at me with disdain? “You’re a mere earth-realm bug. Defeating you will lower my worth. Get out of my sight.”

  But there’s no place to go? “How strong are you?”

  “Can’t you tell? I’m an immortal. Behold my qi!” The cactus stiffened before wiggling. Was something else supposed to happen? “…My qi? Why can’t I use it? Hmph. It doesn’t matter. Bow before me, puny mortal spirit.” The cactus grew in size as a pair of arms and legs sprouted out of it. They were green and bristling with yellow spikes. The cactus stopped growing when it was as tall as me, the tablet that it was attached to left behind as the cactus stood up and walked towards me.

  Is everything equal in this altar? If neither of us can use qi, then all I have to do is fight a cactus with my bare hands. While naked. …This might be a bit more difficult than I thought. Let’s retreat a bit and think of a few ways to defeat this monstrosity. There’s nothing around to use as a weapon. The ground is white and endless. There are no walls, and the sky is also white and endless. I’m naked and unable to strengthen myself with qi, and there’s a thorny cactus stomping towards me. The only thing I can do is grit my teeth and bear the pain…. Unless I pick up the tablet and use it as a weapon? Can I do that? I’ll try it first before I wrestle this thing.

  As I approached the tablet, the cactus’ eyes narrowed. “Ai
ming for my tablet body? I won’t let you.”

  “Wait a moment. If you have a tablet body, how come my sword body isn’t here with me?” Everything’s equal? Nonsense! Where’s my sword?

  The cactus snorted. “You’re a spirit seed, what sword body? Besides, you seem more human than weapon.”

  Right. My sword body broke during the tribulation. In that case, I’ll have to grapple with a cactus! I’ll subdue it and break its tablet body to solidify my victory. Why did Lucia have to use this tablet as a strengthening material? Couldn’t she have used the hammer or the rapier at least? Those didn’t have spirits inside of them! When I get out of here, I’m going to make Lucia wrestle a cactus under the guise of training. “Let’s see if you can withstand my armbar, cactus!”

  Ah, damn, this hurts a lot.

  ***

  I hope this works. No, this better work. If this doesn’t work, someone’s going to have a bad day! I followed Ilya’s directions perfectly, so there’s no way this can fail. Right? Please don’t fail. If this doesn’t work, I’m going to cry. Stupid Durandal! Why couldn’t you just accept your fate as an earth-realm-ranked sword? Mm, once he’s no longer a spirit seed, I’m going to punish him under the guise of training. Right. Okay. Phew.

  The spirit stones are glowing gold and melting. The altar’s like a giant mouth, drinking all of it down. It didn’t swallow Durandal, right? I want to take the spirit stones off to check, but what if that ruins the process midway? Gah! This is so frustrating! I wonder if this is what giving birth is going to feel like. Hmm. It’s probably a bit similar? Minus the pain, of course. But the anxiousness! Anxiety? The anxiety! Gah!

  “Lucia,” Ilya said. “Take some deep breaths and stop pacing in a circle, please. Every time you turn around, your tail smacks my face.”

  Ah, so that’s what that feeling was. I thought my tail was a little stiff because of my nerves, but it turns out it was just hitting Ilya. Hah…, I wish Softie were here. Then I’d have a way to vent all my stress! She’s like a giant squeeze toy with how soft and pliable she is. I guess I’ll have to squeeze Ilya for now…. “Why are you so hard?”

  “What the heck are you saying?” Ilya wriggled around, but I didn’t let her escape. Nothing can escape from my grasp! Except Durandal. Gah! This stupid, stupid, stupid spirit! “Did I do something wrong? Why are you doing this to me?”

  “To relieve some stress.” Ooh, the pile of spirit stones is half gone. It’s almost over. Should I be excited or should I be nervous? I don’t know! How about both? Can I be both? There should be a word for that. “What’s the word for both excited and nervous at the same time?”

  “Aflutter.”

  “I’m aflutter?” …That doesn’t sound right. “You’re trying to make me look stupid, aren’t you?”

  “I’m not! It’s in the dictionary. If you could read, you could look it up.”

  Yup, she’s trying to make me sound stupid! Geez, Ilya’s always bullying me. Why can’t she be more like Softie? But if she didn’t bully me, I wouldn’t have any excuses to punish her, and that’d make my life less interesting. Mm. “I like you just the way you are, Ilya. Never change, alright?”

  Ilya stopped struggling. “…Other than imparting that technique, did the Tablet of Madness destroy bits of your brain? The needle was stabbed pretty deep in your head. You weren’t replaced by anything, right?”

  Why do I even bother being nice to people? They always mistake my niceness for insanity. Ah! The spirit stones are almost all gone! I released Ilya and ran up to the altar. A layer of gold liquid covered an … egg? Where did this egg come from? The tablet and Durandal’s spirit seed are gone! No way! Durandal had sex with the tablet and laid an egg! He, he cheated on me! How dare he create offspring with a rock!? I’m going to smash this egg. Where’s my hammer? Here it is. Alright, Breaking Madness Hammer Stri—ah? The egg’s hatching. If I smash the egg now while it’s in the process of hatching, is that murder or is it still abortion? Hmm. Hmmmm. Hmmmmmm. Ah, too late. It hatched. And out came a … spirit seed? It looks like Durandal’s spirit seed! Well, all spirit seeds kind of look the same, but still. “Durandal?”

  “Yes, it’s me. Place me into the sky-realm-ranked sword now.”

  Can I stick him into the hammer instead? The hammer’s much more fun to use. But then he might become fat if I do that. Or a certain part of him will be too thick! Hmm. That doesn’t sound too bad, actually. Should I? But then those two swords will go to waste if I do…. Alright. Fine. Into the sword he goes. I put away my hammer and took out one of the swords. Now I have to embed the seed into the hilt and … it’s done! There was a bright flash of light, and the seed finally disappeared! He really went in! He’s back in a weapon! “Durandal! Come out!”

  Out of the sword, Durandal appeared! He looks exactly the same! But his face … looks a bit angry? Mm. Maybe that’s his new resting face? Why!? The new mini-DalDal looks exactly the same; Durandal’s appearance shouldn’t have changed! Then that means he’s angry. At me? I’m the one who should be angry here! What do I say? I hate you for making me do so much work? I really missed you? You’re finally back? Welcome home? Let’s fuck?

  And do I hit him? Or do I hug him? Or do I take his clothes off and throw Ilya out of the cave? Wait, no, I should throw Ilya out of the cave before I take his clothes off. Gah! I don’t know what to do!

  “Lucia.”

  “Durandal!”

  “Good job. I’m proud of you.” Durandal walked up to me and hugged me. His right hand snaked towards my ears and rubbed them. Ah…, I missed this so much! I can’t be angry at him right now. Once he’s done, I’ll start getting mad. Right. Once he’s done. Mm. Ah, I’m getting sleepy and tired. So relaxing…. Durandal’s touch. Durandal’s heat! Durandal’s … smell? Why does Durandal smell like a plant?

  “Durandal? You smell like vegetables.”

  Durandal sighed and took a step back. “The spirit inside of that tablet was a cactus. I had to wrestle it while completely naked. Do you know how painful that was? Why’d you fuse me with that tablet and not something else?”

  Eh? “But Ilya said the tablet was dead?”

  “I’m pretty sure I said probably,” Ilya said and coughed. “Which means if I’m wrong, you can’t blame me.”

  “Well, whatever! You upgraded and entered a sky-realm-ranked sword! It doesn’t matter, right?” That’s right. It doesn’t matter! Durandal beat up the tablet spirit and leveled up. Does that mean he’s a sky-realm expert now? …Is he stronger than me? There’s no way…, right? Eep! My tail’s stiffening! Who’s letting out this bloodlust!? “D-Durandal?”

  “Doesn’t matter? Do you know how sharp a cactus’ spines are!? They tore apart my ballsa—ahem! No, never mind.” Durandal glared at me and crossed his arms over his chest. Why is he letting out so much qi!? He’s much more intimidating than the crown prince! He’s almost like that freaky immortal! “Hmm? Lucia? Are you…?” A smile blossomed on Durandal’s face as his glare disappeared. “Since you used an immortal-ranked item to upgrade me, is it possible that I’m stronger than you right now?”

  T-that sadistic smile! He’s thinking of terrible, terrible things to torture me with! The last time he smiled this broadly, he made me hold a horse stance and stuck a wooden spike underneath my ass! I-I can’t show weakness! “N-no! I’m definitely, definitely, much, much, much stronger than you!”

  Durandal’s eyes gleamed. “It’s been a while since we’ve last dueled each other, hasn’t it?”

  He’s a sadist! A fucking sadist! “Ah-ha-ha, look at the time. Those smiths must be super worried about us. Can’t keep them waiting!” Flee! I’ve made a horrible mistake!

  “Why are you running from me, Lucia? I thought you missed me.” Durandal’s voice appeared right by my ear. He’s next to me!? How is he so fast!?

  “Lucia! Durandal! Goddammit! Wait for me!”

  Ah, I forgot about Ilya.

  ***

  I thought I’d never surpass Lucia again after
she became stronger than me. I’m pleasantly surprised to find out I was wrong. There is no better feeling in the world than bullying someone under the guise of training. People can accuse me of being a terrible person, but I’m sincerely helping Lucia become stronger! If some people view me as a sadistic monster, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to bear for Lucia’s sake. “Are you tired already, Lucia? Raise your sword.”

  “We’ve been sparring for three days! Let me sleep, dammit! Gah! You evil un-needing-of-sleep bastard!”

  It’s only been three days. Lucia’s been defeating me in duels for the past couple years. I still have many, many days of revenge, err, guidance that I’d like her to experience. Am I a spiteful person? Of course not. Weapon spirits don’t have emotions. I’d never feel something like satisfaction when I pay someone back for unjust treatment—catharsis is reserved for the angry. Maybe I should let Lucia rest a little; it’s not like I’ve been denying her food, but simple people like her can’t concentrate for too long without building up a lot of mental fatigue. “Alright. We’ll pause our sparring for a few hours. You should get some sleep while you can.”

  “Evil…,” someone muttered. It was Softie, who was sitting off to the side of the boat’s deck. We were flying back from the battlefield to the Shadow Devil Sect since Lucia accomplished her goal and the Gates of Hell temporarily ground to a halt because Fang Country lost all their sky-realm experts.

  But evil? Me? What was this girl accusing me of? She’s the one who uses a technique that emotionally scars others to advance in strength. “Did you say something?”

  “N-no!” Softie shook her head back and forth before walking over to Lucia, who was already sleeping on a mattress, resting on her stomach with her face buried in a pillow. She didn’t even ask me to go to bed with her. I think I figured out a way to save my dignity. All I have to do is wring out her pent-up energy through spars. Then, when nighttime comes, she’ll be too tired to do anything other than sleep. Yes, this is perfect, a win-win situation for both of us. Lucia will become stronger, and I’ll be able to cultivate in peace as she sleeps. …But why is Softie crawling into bed with Lucia?