Every Single Heartbeat

by Abbye J Leen

  "Do you feel it Noah? Can you feel how fast my heart’s beating for you?" I whisper almost inaudibly, as I’m being eaten alive by anxiety.

  “I can feel your every single heartbeat, Ellie. It’s a sweet sound, in perfect harmony with mine."

  Ellie

  13

  I love spending Sunday mornings by the sea.

  I take in a deep breath of fresh air, as I savor these last moments of peacefulness. It’s mad to think about the fact that in a matter of days, Nolan and I will be going our separate ways, taking completely different paths in life. It feels so weird, given the fact that we’ve been part of one another’s life ever since we were small.

  I wonder what it will be like not to see each other every day, how it will feel like not to be able to lose myself in the warmth of his embrace every time Noah will be pissing me off. Nolan is my best friend, the one person I can talk about everything with, after Noah of course, he… well, he’s just something else, he's absolutely everything to me.

  Nolan gets off his deckchair to come sit beside me, then takes the sunscreen out of my bag and starts spreading some on my shoulders. He's using a much larger amount than he should be, but I don’t really mind, because the massage he’s giving me is heavenly.

  “Hi" says he in a rude manner, making me immediately snap out of the state of trance I had fallen into. I open my eyes and see Noah, slamming his towel on the deckchair next to mine.

  "Hey man, it was about time! - says Nolan, taking his hands off my shoulders - No can do about that sunburn, Ellie, it’s too late” he tells me, although I don’t really pay attention him and keep looking at Noah instead, who doesn’t seem intentioned to acknowledge my existence for some reason. Not a word, not a smile and not even a small kiss for me, so I sigh because I don’t understand his behavior.

  Two blondes walk by us, one of them lowers her sunglasses onto the bottom part of her nose, to take a better look at him.

  ”Hi darling” says the other, to my Noah. He looks at her smiling, with that typical macho-man attitude of his and I get instantly irritated.

  Nolan lies still in his deckchair, while I get up to brusquely step in between my idiot boyfriend and the two blondies that are shamelessly flirting with him. I can perceive his strong presence behind me, I’d perceive it from a thousand miles away. He grabs me by the wrist and pulls me besides him, but I free myself from his grip angrily… is he seriously leading on other girls right in front of me?

  "What's the matter with you, now? He asks, tight lipped.

  "Just carry on being a fuckboy with these blondes then!" I say, almost screaming.

  "Well then, you carry on getting your back rubbed by Nolan, knowing how much he likes you!" says he, nervously.

  Is that what bothered him? Really?

  "Noah - I whisper, holding his hand - you know that Nolan’s like a brother to me” I continue, as he keeps looking at me with his big blue eyes, that are now filled with accusation.

  "Yes but the feeling’s not mutual, you know it and I know it too and that’s a hard enough thing to bear already. He's my best friend, the three of us have always been close… but that’s not a good enough reason for me not to flip mad shit, if I see him put his hands on you" he puffs.

  "I'm sorry Noah, it will not happen again" I say, putting myself in his position.

  I can’t really blame him, in fact, I can scarcely stand people looking at him, let alone if they were to do something crazy, like touch him. He nods, running his hands through his hair and when he finally smiles at me, my heart melts entirely.

  "I'm going to get some water, I'm super thirsty" I say but just as I’m about to head off Noah stops me, placing his hands around my hips. He gently draws my body back to his, pulling a genuine smile out of me, then poses his face into the hollow part of my neck, brushing his lips against it.

  "Hey, baby" he whispers to me.

  "Hey, darling" I reply, still smiling.

  "Ellie, honestly… couldn’t you wear something a little less revealing this bikini next time? It leaves your perfect ass completely exposed and that’s making people drool”

  I roll my eyes hearing his words, because I’m potentially the most covered person here, today.

  "Noah, no one here’s looking at me, no one cares"

  "Well, that’s your opinion"

  "Can I go get a drink now?" I cut it short.

  "I'm coming with" he answers, kissing my lips softly.

  I shake my head, wondering if he’ll ever stop being so jealous, although after all, I don’t really mind this side of him.

  Noah

  14

  Ellie and I have been together for two months now. Two whole months in which I haven’t put my eyes on anybody else, two months of Ellie being the one and only focal point of both my life and dreams and I’ve never felt so alive. I’ve never ever experienced anything so intense just kissing a girl, my heart literally explodes whenever our lips touch. I feel something visceral, unique and profound for her.

  Tomorrow we’ll be heading off to college and I just can’t wait to finally say goodbye to this lousy city and all the people living in it. I can’t wait to move out of my house, too, a place full of grief, where I’ve spent some of the worst moments of my life. It's kind of ironic, to think about it. The place you call home should be a synonym for safety, happiness and protection, instead for me, home has always equaled nightmares.

  I tighten my shirt’s collar, then gently run my finger over the tattoo I got in Ellie’s name a couple of hours ago. I hope she’ll appreciate the gesture, although I’m not sure how she’s going to react to it, especially when she’ll notice the inscription underneath the little heart shape and pulse strings.

  I head to the kitchen, where my mother’s focused wiping off every single speck of dust she sees. The only person who it’ll truly hurt to leave behind is she, just the thought of it breaks my heart.

  "Hey mom, I’m off. Do you need anything before I leave?"

  "No honey, I’m good. You look wonderful!" she says, looking at me lovingly, then stepping in closer to kiss my cheek. She doesn't do that often, she’s afraid to even breathe when my father is around.

  "I love you, Mom" I say and her eyes start watering, as she hugs me tightly.

  "I'll miss you Noah, but I'm glad you’re getting away from here, really. You deserve it, you deserve some peace in your life" she says, wiping her tears away.

  I smile at her and sighing, I leave.

  Ellie’s waiting for me at the end of the road, she’s wearing a denim miniskirt, a white tank top and a pair of black wedges that beautifully highlight her toned legs. I’m all choked up already just admiring her from a distance, although I’m also kinda bugged at her for wearing such a short skirt, considering the number of people coming to tonight’s party. My teammates won't be able to take their eyes off her as usual, just like it happened at prom. I literally had to bodyguard her all night and I don’t even want to imagine what might have happened if I hadn’t. I stop my car in front of her and step out, a broad smile frames her face, whereas I, instead, am already in a bad mood. I know that I need to stop being so jealous, otherwise she’ll get sick of my attitude sooner or later. I have pretended to be indifferent to her for years, but like I said, I was simply pretending, because no matter how, I would still, always manage to keep other guys away from her.

  "Hello beautiful" says she, throwing herself into my arms and I hold her back as tightly as I possibly can, breathing in her sweet, wonderful scent. I wish our bodies could literally merge right now, I wish we could become one.

  . She moves away to greet me properly with a gentle kiss, but that’s not enough for me. I put my hands around her waist and delicately push her against the wooden fence that runs along the pier that crosses our town. I press my hips against her almost violently and kiss her passionately. I run my fingers through her hair and gently play with it, as our tongues keep dancing in perfect harmony to a rhythm that only we can perceive. It’s a
fiery dance between two broken, fragile souls.

  "Hey, you splendid thing" I whisper at last, reluctantly moving away. Her cheeks are cherry-red in color, just like her plump, sultry lips, that I wish I could just keep kissing forever. Ellie smiles at me, drawing me closer in a very charming way and that’s when she sees my new tattoo: a little heart with pulse strings crossing it and the name Ellie written below. She cups her mouth with both her hands, then stares at me in awe, completely startled.

  "Noah" she whispers, with tears streaming down her face.

  "Every single beat of my heart is yours, my sweet, little Ellie" I whisper to her.

  She wraps her arms around me and holds me tightly, as she leaves a delicate trail of kisses around my tattoo, around her tattoo. She’s sending shivers down my spine with those lips of hers, my desire for her has become very nearly unbearable, but I need to restrain myself, I can’t just treat her as one of ‘many’. I swallow the pool of saliva in my mouth as I move away from her, then putting my arm over her shoulder we start walking towards the party: Tonight, will be our last night here, in Venice Beach.

  Viky, a girl whose name I can't remember, and Nolan are waiting for us at the beach already, but I’d much rather stay here with Ellie in all honesty. I’m not taking my eyes off her, not even for a moment, while Nolan keeps talking to me about the college classes he’ll be attending. I look at her, softly moving her hair off her shoulders and laughing heartily with her friends. Every simple gesture of hers somehow makes me lose my mind and I am so proud, knowing that amongst so many, she chose me...

  Only me.

  "Hey man, could you at least have the decency to pretend that you’re listening to me?" Nolan says, piqued.

  "I don’t have to pretend, I am listening" I reply, though my eyes remain fixed on her.

  "All you to do is obsessively stare at Ellie, Noah. We've known her for a literal lifetime. She’s still Ellie, she’s still the same, not once has she ever done anything stupid or impulsive in her life and she’s sure isn’t going to start now, now that you guys are together. She knows how to keep perverts away on her own."

  "I have no doubts about that Nolan, I just don't want to lose sight of her"

  "Wow man, what’s happened to you? What’s happened to my best friend? Where’s he gone? He, who had no eyes but for every girl on Earth, up until like, last week"

  I smile, taking a sip of the beer I’m holding, then say: “That’s where you're wrong man... I’ve always had no eyes but for her, I simply could never show anybody"

  "I'm happy for you, Noah. I won't hide the fact that I’m not equally as happy for me but oh well, at least I know whose ass I’m going to have to kick, if she ever gets hurt."

  "Nolan, I could never hurt her. I simply care too much" I admit, downheartedly.

  "I hope so, Noah. I hope so".

  ***

  My mood has been shifting around all evening, especially after speaking to Nolan. We’ve been friends since forever and it pisses me off beyond imagination, how he thinks that I’d ever be capable of hurting her.

  "Noah, are you okay?" asks Ellie, for the umpteenth time tonight.

  "Dammit Ellie, I’m fine! I’ve told you like a thousand times already" I reply sharply. She doesn’t say anything, but I can tell that I’ve made her upset and I’m pretty sure that’s not even the first time tonight, thanks to my bad mood. I take her hand, intertwine it with mine and delicately kiss her knuckles.

  She sighs, evidently confused by my behavior. When we arrive over at her house, I can’t help but glance at the small wooden porch painted in white. My attention falls to the corner where for the first time ever, after having wanted it for so long, I kissed she, who I now call my girlfriend. I still perfectly remember how magnificent that felt.

  "Do you want to come in, Noah? We could have a drink or something" she asks and I can't help but smile, as we start walking together on the way to her house.

  Ellie rests her legs over mine, as we’re drinking a glass of cola on the garden swing underneath her porch. I caress her gently, while the desire I have for her does nothing but increase. I don’t have the guts to make love to her, even if we touched each other’s privates several times already. And yet... something tells me that I have to take things a step further. I want her completely, I want her and her only, forever and always. Ellie continues to look at me in silence, the only thing that she suddenly says is if I’d like anything else to drink, but I shake my head, taking both our glasses and placing them down on the floor. Without saying a word, I bring her closer and pull her onto my lap.

  She strokes my face, looking at me in the eyes and staring directly into my soul, which she knows how to do very well and that makes me feel happy, but sad at the same time, because when she sees through all the pain and suffering that hides within me, I do not like it at all, it makes me feel weak.

  I try to stop these bad thoughts from getting to me and start kissing her tenderly. She makes me feel so good and I know that I and solely I, am the right one for her. I know that I am the one who will never hurt her, the one who will never betray her and the only one whose heart will always be beating in perfect unison with hers. I know for a fact that I'm Ellie’s other half.

  "Noah" she whispers close to my lips, then kisses me again but this time, much more enthusiastically, making my desire for her absolutely overpowering.

  I need to feel her wet skin under my touch, so I slide my hand up between her thighs. Ellie tilts her head backwards, moaning so loudly that it drives me completely insane. I can’t take my eyes off her, as I keep kissing her and feeling her up, wanting to have her, wanting to possess her, wanting her, full stop.

  “Noah, let's go inside?" says she, persuasively looking at me. I rest my forehead on hers, horny to death and very reluctant to do the right thing. I wish I could just give in to my instincts, enter that house and finally make her mine, but…

  "We can’t do that Ellie" I say at last, out of breath.

  "Why not?" She asks, moving away from me, standing up and starting to walk around nervously.

  "What do you mean?" I ask confused.

  "Why do you always reject me, Noah? You never had any problems fucking any other girl!"

  "That’s because they meant nothing to me, Ellie." I say, getting up as well.

  "What are you trying to say, Noah? That you’re afraid of hurting me because you know that it won’t last between us?" she asks, with teary eyes and I can't help but feel like a failure given that once again, I am the one responsible for her sadness.

  "You know that’s not it… you know how I feel about you"

  "No, I do not know that Noah, because you never talked about your feelings with me. All you do is kiss me and keep people away from me, but aside from that, I have no idea how you feel about me, nor why you don’t want to take things a step further with me"

  "What do you want me to say, Ellie? I am trying to show you how I feel right now, I am just not ready yet. You’re still a virgin, it’ll be your very first time… I wouldn’t want you to end up considering me a mistake, that’s all."

  "You could never be a mistake, Noah. I know what I want."

  “What the fuck do you want me to do then, Ellie? I don’t get it”

  She shakes her head, wiping away a tear from her face, then sighs frustrated. Without adding anything else, she rushes inside her house and shuts the door behind her. I start knocking and ringing the doorbell incessantly, but it’s all in vain.

  "Shit Ellie, open up!" I yell, punching the door.

  "Go away, Noah!" She screams, sobbing.

  In this precise moment, my heart breaks for the first time. In this precise moment, I realize that I’ve made Ellie feel inadequate, by refusing to sleep with her. In this precise moment, I know that I’ve hurt her, even if I’d sworn to myself that I never would have, ever.

  How could I have failed so miserably?

  Ellie

  15

  University of California, Los Angel
es

  I thought it would have felt so much more exciting to enter for the very first time inside what’s going to be my house for the next couple of years but instead, I feel dull and empty. Noah and I haven’t spoken since last night and this is something that has never happened before, not once, ever. I shake my head, trying to think different thoughts, while Amelia keeps going back and forth from the car to the apartment, she’s brought so much food that it’s enough to feed an army. Vacantly staring at what has just become my new bed, I move my hair over my shoulder and gently twirl it around my fingers, it always calms me down whenever I’m feeling anxious.

  "Okay honey, you should be all good to go!" says my sister, looking around the room. She sighs, then looks at me. Her eyes start watering, but I would never want her to burst into tears.

  "Aw, Amelia!" I say, walking up to her and hugging her.

  I squeeze my big sister tightly into my arms, she, who despite being so young, has always been like a mother, father and friend to me.

  "I'm super proud of you" she says, hugging me back tightly.

  "I'll miss you, Amelia" I whisper.

  "Me too baby, but that's okay because the only thing that matters to me is that you’ll be able to make all of your dreams come true"