Every Single Heartbeat

by Abbye J Leen

  "Right" she says, tucking her hair behind her ear.

  I look at her, as she nods and pulls down her very short jeans and to say that she’s beautiful is an understatement. I can't take my eyes off her, whereas she keeps looking down at the ground. I wish she looked up at me, I wish I had a way to shorten this damned distance between us, but all I seem to be doing is pushing her away.

  I need to let her go, for her own good.

  "Ellie I'm sorry, but... I think I have to let you go."

  Her sight immediately shoots up and meets mine. Yes, she might have seen this coming, but having to actually watch as it happens must be agonizing, just as it was for me to pronounce those words out loud.

  “What do you mean? What do we have to do with this?" She asks, pointing at me, then at herself.

  I’m a coward, I can’t even look at her. I don’t have the guts to tell her why I’m doing what I’m doing, probably because I don’t know the reason either.

  "I don’t know how long things are going to take here and I don’t know if I’ll ever finish college. I don’t know anything at all right now, but if there’s one thing that I’m certain of right now, is that you deserve so much better than me"

  "This is the most trivial and pathetic excuse I've ever heard. And I am the one who has to decide what's right and wrong for me. Whether you finish college or not won’t change the way I feel about you" she says, taking a step closer to me but I, on the contrary, take two back.

  Coward.

  "You’d move forward in life, graduate and such, while I’d get stuck behind. I couldn’t live with that Ellie, you’re already so much better than me, under all aspects!"

  "That’s bullshit Noah, you know it and I know it. I chose you and I would still choose you, over and over again, until I breathe my very last breath. I even told you when we were making love…" she cuts the sentence all of a sudden, shakes her head resignedly and turns her back to me.

  Without thinking about it twice, without adding another word and without even finishing her sentence, she simply walks away. The urge to go after her is strong and growing, but this time around, I control my impulses, forcing myself to stay still and watch, as she leaves me.

  Sixteen years-old

  I'm at the beach with Nolan and Noah, the first one reads a book, while I carefully observe the other, who all in all is growing up to be quite a handsome fella… not that he was ugly as a child! Every time I see him, I can’t help but timidly blush, lucky for me though, he always mistakes the redness on my cheeks for anger.

  Yep, he’s convinced that I get crazy mad just looking at him, which is also kind of true, in part. I mean, he’s always surrounded by girls and that does piss me off slightly, but I could never admit it, ever. Even right now, he’s messing around and flirting with Matilde, although I really don’t get what he sees in her.

  "Hey Ellie, fix your bikini! Your butt’s all over the place!" he scolds me, as I walk by him... I mean them. I turn around and it almost hurts to look at him, his blue eyes are so bright and vivid, almost transparent. Every time I look at them, I’m overwhelmed, but he’ll never have to know that, ever, for any reason whatsoever.

  In response to his remark, I raise my middle finger at him, dead serious, then turn my back to him and keep walking to the sea.

  "You're unbelievable!" he yells. Without thinking too much about it he leaves Matilde behind, whom, of course complains, but he doesn’t care, he just runs after me, the way he always does whenever his teammates are around… I’ve always wondered why.

  He grabs me by the wrist and pulls me with him deeper into the water.

  "There we go, nobody can see you here!" he says.

  "What's your problem, Noah?" I ask, ticked off.

  "Stop asking questions, Ellie! Curiosity killed the freaking cat, you know?" he says and this time, it is him who turns his back to me, disappearing underwater shortly after.

  Nolan

  28

  As I gently run my fingers through Rachel's hair, my heart tears apart. For a month now, Ellie’s been calling me day and night, sobbing and complaining about how badly Noah hurt her and how she’s failing to get over him. She sounds like a broken record, but I don’t have the guts to tell her that maybe, it would be better for her to actually try and move on.

  "Ellie please, just stop crying" I whisper softly. Rachel lifts her face off my shoulder, looks into my eyes, then shakes her head, before repositioning herself back where she was displeasedly. I think she’s getting sick of these long calls but honestly, Ellie comes before everything else.

  "So, have you heard from him lately? Is he... okay?" She asks, sniffling.

  "He's fine, he’s been taking care of his mother, although as far as I know the coach gave him an ultimatum. Soon, they’ll have to face one of the most important games of the entire championship, which is going to take place in a couple of months, and he better not miss it, otherwise he’ll get kicked out.”

  "He’ll get himself kicked out...” she says sorrowful. The fact that he left college and gave up on his dream of becoming a professional player is something that she still cannot believe, something that she hates and cannot get over, but I know Noah and I know that he’s not stupid, or at least that’s what I thought, until he left Ellie for such a dumb reason which frankly, I myself am yet to understand.

  I think that the real problem right now is that he’s confused and scared because he’s no longer heard anything from his father and I know that when he’s like that, even if he’ll never admit it, he pushes people who love him away, in order not to hurt them, the exact same way a person he loved very much did with him in the past.

  He wasn’t always like that, Noah’s father, he was actually quite the bloke once: respected and esteemed by all. Then one day, while he was on patrol, one of his colleagues lost his life. No one knows exactly what happened but ever since that day, the Wilson family tore apart entirely.

  "He loves you Ellie, he is just scared. You need to give him time"

  "He’s scared of what exactly, Nolan? I’m sure it’s not that… I’m sure he’s just selfish!"

  "He's scared because of what happened to his mother and that's understandable" I say, trying to reason with her.

  "There were a million other solutions to this! Amelia even offered to host and assist her over at the hotel, for as long as she needed"

  "You know Noah, he would never ask anybody to do so much for him... not that his mother would have accepted, anyway"

  She sighs and sniffles, then sighs again and says: "Thank you Nolan, I have to get to class now. Say hi to Rachel for me"

  "I love you, Ellie"

  "I love you too, Nolan"

  After hanging up, the only thing that I want to do is call Noah and insult him. He promised, he swore that he’d never hurt her. I know that it mustn’t be easy for him to think about leaving his mother on her own, vulnerable and exposed to all sorts of danger but Ellie is right, he can’t just give up on all his dreams and ambitions because of it.

  There’s got to be a solution to this and I’m willing to do anything it takes to help him, to help them both.

  Ellie

  29

  Ache: It is the only thing I feel.

  My chest hurts.

  My eyes hurt.

  My stomach hurts.

  My entire body hurts.

  I wipe my tears away for the millionth time today, that’s pretty much all I’ve been able to do ever since I last saw Noah. From that day on neither a single call, nor a text from him, nothing at all. A deafening silence is all he’s left me with, as if I suddenly ceased to exist, as if I never existed at all, as if we never existed.

  Noah’s always been a big part of my life and not knowing how he’s doing feels deleterious, not being able to hear his voice feels daunting and not being able to see him anymore, straight up kills me. I miss him so much. I need him, the way infinity needs no end. I need him, the way glue needs something to stick to. I need him, the way a
donut needs a hole. I try not to think about it and forget all about us, but miserably fail to do so. He resides in my heart, he flows through my bloodstream, he floats around in my mind and soul, constantly. He’s simply everything to me.

  I’m in my room, trying to find enough strength to pick myself up and carry on with my life, but it feels impossible because everything in here reminds me of him. I can’t look at my own bed, without thinking about how he used to always lie down on it and hold me into his arms. I can’t look at my desk, without picturing all the different ways we would make love on it and how bewildering it was. I can't enter my bathroom either, because we did it in there as well and it was overwhelming, as always, despite us being in a shower. I can’t help feeling a huge knot in my stomach, Noah is everywhere I look and that’s driving me insane. My academic performance is suffering from this situation too. I know that I need to stop crying, I know that I need to get over this and take back some control over my life, or else scholarship will be taken away from me. I must keep trying with all the strength I have to just, move forward.

  It’s incredible the risk you take, giving your whole heart to another person. It's disarming, how easily said person can just decide to step all over you and your feelings out of the blue and destroy you completely.

  I take a good look at myself in the mirror, my face is gaunt, cadaverous almost and the circles under my eyes are so big and dark, that I bet I can make pandas jealous. I can’t stand looking at my refection anymore and I am in no way bothered enough to actually do anything about my appearance. I just don't care about anything, anymore.

  "Ellie, we’re going to be late" Emily says, entering my room. I nod and walk up to her, trying to smile but failing. She looks at me, as if she felt sorry for me. I don’t like being looked at that way, but I’d do the same if something like this happened to her, so I pretend not to notice anything, grab my notes and head out to that boring-ass math lesson.

  At lunch, I find myself eating a portion of tasteless meat and some sort of vegetable that I’m unable to distinguish right now, served with a side of anguish and a pinch of regret.

  "Cris is having a party tonight, wanna come?"

  Here we go, yet another wound tearing open in my heart. When Noah and I were still together those stupid parties seemed to be all that mattered to him.

  "I have to finish a piece I’m working on" I say, trying to change the subject.

  "Oh, you mean another one of your dark, black portraits?" Asks Emily, accusingly. I look into her eyes for a moment, her very expressive black eyes, that fail to conceal her thoughts. I shrug, taking another bite out of what they dare call a vegetable: a mushy and bitter glob-like substance, which I’d love to spit out, but that I instead force myself to swallow and wash down with a generous swig of water. Emily sighs and goes back to scribbling incomprehensible things in her notebook, while I, as pathetic as I am, start thinking about Noah yet again.

  My Noah.

  ***

  I’ve been painting non-stop for at least five hours now, I should have finished this damn portrait ages ago, but no matter how hard I try, I’m unable to do so. The main issue is Noah's face, there’s only a couple of shades missing, but I can’t bring myself to actually pick up the colors and brushes that I need to complete it. He's too beautiful, too happy, too perfect, too real and that’s just too much for me. I know that sooner or later, I’ll have to find the guts to do it but right now, I don’t even know where to start looking for the amount of bravery that I’d need. I take a break from my thoughts, go to my room and grab my cell phone.

  My sister... I need my sister now more than ever. I wish I could see her, hug her, but I can’t go back to Venice, not now, not until Noah is there and not until I run the risk of bumping into him.

  "Hey little sis!" She says with enthusiasm, picking up right after the first ring.

  "How are you?" I ask, biting my thumb’s nail.

  "We’re good, now. Jonas had high fever last night and Oliver was so agitated about it, that I had to take them both to the hospital: one because he was sick, the other for almost having a panic attack!" she says, laughing. Her laughter is so contagious that I find myself chuckling as well.

  "Are they doing alright now?" I ask. Jonas is not exactly the delicate child, not one of those who get sick often, for sure.

  "They are, indeed, Jonas’ just got a little cold now.

  "Okay, good. What about Dad?"

  "He’s all right, Ellie. He even gets out of bed and goes for a walk, sometimes"

  I sigh, because I know that that's a massive step forward for him, although Mom’s been dead for a while now…

  "Noah’s fine too" she says, interrupting my thoughts.

  "Good for him" I say, sighing. I wonder how the hell he manages to be ‘fine’ after all that’s happened.

  "He stops by every day, asks about you and well, talks about you constantly"

  "It doesn’t matter, since he doesn’t talk to or asks me anything, anymore" I say angrily. How could she think that knowing he’s ‘asked’ about me would make me feel better? Why did he even do that, anyway?

  "Ellie..."

  "I’m fine Amelia" I say, swallowing the lump in my throat.

  "I know that you aren’t little sister. I know you well and I understand what you're going through, but this too shall pass. Life goes on, inevitably, no matter what happens between you and Noah" she says, and I instinctively nod, as if she were there in the room with me.

  "I have to go now. I love you and tell Jonas that I love him too" I say, hanging up the phone and getting back to work. Art is the only thing that lifts my mood up a little, lately.

  I stare at the canvas in front of me, realizing that Emily was right. I can't keep drawing in grayscale, this isn’t me.

  Ever since mom died, I’ve been trying my hardest not to fall into the horrendous abyss that is depression, because I know that once you’re in it, it’s almost impossible to climb back out. I’ve witnessed its firsthand, I’ve had to watch my own father be annihilated by this condition. Mom’s absence corroded him to the core, to the point that he became unable to get out of bed anymore, to the point that he forgot all about the fact that Amelia and I needed to be taken care of and looked after. I don't want to end up like him just because Noah and I broke up. It's hard, having to start over from scratch, but this is my life and I can’t afford to let anything, or anyone take the future I deserve away from me.

  My life is supposed to be vibrant, full of the brightest possible shades and although dark traits will still be a part of the bigger picture, to represent my past and present, I know that whatever my future holds will be colorful enough to outshine it all.

  Inspired and determined, I pick up my oil pastels and within seconds I get carried away, almost automatically, by what will be the most colorful piece of my life.

  Eleven years-old

  I’m holding hands with Noah and Nolan.

  Mom didn’t make it: her disease was stronger than her. I don't know how to feel right now. It’s as if my entire world had just collapsed entirely. I knew that mom was sick, she had been for a while, but at least she was still here, I could still hear her voice, I could still watch her smile and I could still just, look at her.

  Her eyes were always so full of love, so reassuring. Moments before her death, she told Amelia to be brave and that she understood now, why the Lord had given her to her at such a young age, when she was only fifteen years old. She continued, saying how it was written in the stars that she would have had to leave us sooner than expected and Amelia, being already in her twenties by then, would have been old and mature enough to take care of both me and herself on her own.

  I watched my sister, listening carefully to her every word and nodding, then bursting into tears, holding mom tightly into her arms. The bond they shared was special, mom was special… she really was.

  When I grow up, I want to be just like her.

  I want to be extraordinary like her.
r />   I want to give love to all those who deserve it, like her.

  When it was my turn say goodbye, mom looked at me and told me that I reminded her of dad a lot ”but stronger", she added.

  I didn’t really get what she meant by that, because to me dad looks so much stronger than I could ever be, I could never lift in my arms the same weight as he... but I didn’t question her and nodded instead, because the last thing I wanted was to disappoint her.

  "Always listen to Amelia, honey and don’t ever stop being the wonderful little girl you are. I’ll be watching over you from above" she carries on, as I nod again. I don’t want her to go, I want her to stay here with me. I need her, I need my mom the way I need air, but all I can do right now is keep nodding, as I hold her tight.

  "I love you so much, Mom. I love you with all my heart"

  "My heart bursts with love for you too, my sweet, little baby." she says, as tears start streaming down her face. I don’t want her to be upset and I don’t want her to suffer, but what I want doesn’t really seem to matter. Mom is still dying and she’s also still crying, even if I don’t want her to.

  The coffin is huge, or so it appears in my eyes. It's dark brown in color, with flowers all over it. I wonder what the point of adorning and embellishing an object that only causes pain is.

  The ache I feel in my chest is too much to bear, it’s as if someone had pierced my heart with a sharp blade and left me to bleed.

  Noah and Nolan keep holding my hands tightly and I'm really grateful for that. I thank them both and they look at me, smiling. I know that I’ll always be able to count on them, no matter what. We’ll be friends forever we swore it to one another… and us? We’re the type of people to keep promises.

  Noah

  30

  Home studying isn’t easy, nor fun, but I’m still trying my best not to get left behind with my studies.