by Abbye J Leen
I’m so glad that I found a friend like Ellie, it saddens me a lot to know that soon enough our paths will be splitting as well. Projecting aircrafts will be keeping me busy, no doubts about it, but I definitely hope that we’ll be keeping in touch regardless. I still remember well the day we first met, and I can’t but smile at the thought... I didn’t think her, and I could get along, but boy, how wrong was I! The more I got to know her, the more I realized what a truly wonderful person she is.
I look at my phone, but still no answers from Ellie, what I do find instead is a text from my ex. He says that he wants to see me to sort things out once and for all, but for me there’s simply nothing left to ‘sort’, after I straight-up busted him having sex with another girl.
As much as I might have loved him, I still have my dignity and I'm not going to give that up so easily. I know what I’m worth, I know that deserve better and I refuse to to be with someone who doesn’t respect neither me, nor my feelings. He simply doesn’t love me, he never did and he’s certainly not going to now, so from today on no more bullshit, especially not from him. I do not intend to waste any more of my time over such insubstantial, irrelevant and unworthy people.
I keep walking, loudly chewing the piece of gum I just put in my mouth. Campus is absolutely deserted tonight, everybody’s busy watching UCLA’s strongest football team play their final match and rightfully so, I would add. It was Noah who truly made a difference, we all know it and the fact that he’s signed a contract with the New York Giants hyped people up beyond imaginable.
When I finally reach the flat, I notice that the entrance’s already open and that straightaway alarms me, because Ellie definitely isn’t the type of person to leave doors unlocked, especially not after the experiences we’ve had with stalkers and weirdos over the years. I still remember that one time someone actually broke into her room... I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if Noah hadn’t been there. Ever since that day, Ellie and I became extremely scrupulous and started making sure to always shut both windows and doors before going anywhere, no matter what.
I carefully step in, calling her name out.
"Ellie! Ellie are you in here?" I shout but get no answer. I keep looking around when suddenly, I freeze in shock because what I find in front of me is beyond unbelievable. I hasten to grab my phone, trying to remain lucid enough to speak.
"Hello 911, what’s your emergency?"
"Help! You need to help me, right now!" I scream out, asking the operator to send an ambulance over as fast as possible. I look at Ellie trying to hold back my tears, while on the other end of the phone they’re asking me for an address. I struggle to even breathe right now, but still manage to give out all the information needed, after which I hang up and in front of the horrendous scene, I can’t do anything other than scream horrified at the top of my lungs.
I try to stay close to and assist the girl who’s brightened my days for almost four years now, the wonderful girl and artist who dreamt of working at MoMA one day. A girl who still had her whole life ahead of her and the brightest of futures in plan. A girl who truly loved to live, love and laugh.
"I'm right here with you Ellie, I’m not going anywhere" I say, holding her hand tightly as tears keep streaming down my face and her blood slowly soaks my jeans.
Ellie
42
Insanity: A derangement of the mind, that makes individuals unable to distinguish fantasy from reality, subjecting them to uncontrollable, impulsive behaviours.
"Why are you saying that?" I ask.
"Because you knew the way I felt about you and yet, you never had eyes for anybody else other than him. I don’t get it, what does he have that I don’t?!" He screeches deliriously.
"I'm sorry… I thought you knew how I felt about you, I though, I’d made it clear all along" I say downheartedly, honestly wishing that there hadn’t been a misunderstanding.
"I want you. I can't bear to see you with him anymore"
"I'm sorry, but that can’t happen. I love him and you know that"
"I do not give a flying fuck what you want! Don’t you get it?" he shouts.
I’m starting to feel really scared now, he’s never behaved like this this before and he’s never talked to me this way either. The worst part is, that I have no idea how to calm him down. I haven’t got a clue, really, I can’t even recognize him right now.
"Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it, please!" I beg him, trying to calm him down, but he just won’t stop crying and that breaks my heart in half.
He takes a step closer to me, but I take two back. Noah must be waiting for me and I don’t want to make him wait. I want to get to him, I want to cheer for him, and I want him to shine, as usual.
"I want you to choose me. I want you to share the rest of your life with me."
I say nothing, because there’s nothing to be said. He already knows that’s not doable he knows that my heart beats for Noah and Noah only.
"Did you hear that Ellie? Fucking say something!"
"Please, calm down. Let’s just go, maybe taking a walk will make you feel better" I say, as I instinctively stroke his arm, trying to soothe his anger.
As I lean against the kitchen counter where up until yesterday I was happily baking a birthday cake for my boyfriend, I think about how easily things can change, just like that, in the blink of an eye. I think about how it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known a person for, nor how well you think you know them, because no matter how much you think you do, you can never really know anybody. He grabs me by the wrist and roughly pulls me towards him. He stares at me with bloodshot eyes, then forces his lips on mine, in a violent and repulsive manner, his stone-hard erection throbbing hard against my thigh. I feel like vomiting as I try to free myself from his grip but he’s just too strong, powerful and massive. The more I try to escape from him, the harder he pushes his waist against me and at this point, I’m terrified at the thought of what might happen. With one of his hands he firmly holds both my arms behind my back, while with the other he starts touching my body.
Tears keep streaming down my face as I beg him to stop, but he ignores me, so I start screaming. I shout and cry for help, as loudly as I possibly can… And this was my second worst mistake.
He cups my mouth with so much violence that I struggle to even breathe. He tells me to shut the fuck up, that no one’s going to ever hear a damn things, anyway, and that he’s going to do whatever he’s always wanted to do to me, whether I like it or not. I keep telling myself that I must be dreaming, that this isn’t really happening, that he would never do such a thing to me... But this is a nightmare that I can’t wake up from.
Berserk.
He’s gone completely, utterly berserk, nothing else explains it. He must be out of his mind right now, completely unable to reason and that frightens me to death. If he were in full possession of his mental faculties, he wouldn’t be doing any of this to me. Now comes my third worst mistake: With all the strength I have left, I elbow him on the ribs and for a second he loosens his grip, so I seize the opportunity to kick him as hard as I can in the balls. He cries out in pain, as I attempt to sprint towards the door but just when I thought I could make, he grabs me by the foot, making me fall to the ground and hit my head. I’m in so much pain but I won’t give up, I want to get the hell out of here. I want to run away from the place that up until an hour ago was my home, a place filled with joyful memories, laughs and love. Lying still on the floor, I try to kick him again, but that only makes things worse, because in exchange for it I get kicked twice, once in the face and then straight in the stomach.
"You disgust me!" I shout. I try to get back up and search for something to fight back with, but the pain I feel is making things really hard for me.
"You're a fucking slut, sweet, little Ellie" he continues. His words hurt me, even more than his kicks.
A coppery, lukewarm fluid fills my mouth and drips down my chin, I wipe it off with my sleeve, as
I faintly ask:
"Why?" Yes, why… why is he doing this to me?
"Because all my life, you’ve been the center of my world, that’s why. You and I were made to be together, even if this isn’t exactly how I’d imagined it to happen" he says.
That’s when I make the last, worst mistake...
I swiftly grab the pan above the stove, the one with which Noah made eggs and bacon this very morning and with the very last bit of strength within me, I smash it hard onto his head. He remains absolutely impassible, as if he felt no pain whatsoever, as if he were immune to it, as if he were immortal… but I am not. I’m already in so much agony and, when all of a sudden, I feel a very sharp pang in the hip, I can’t do anything but watch, horrified:
A knife. There’s a knife in my hip.
He pulls it out violently and the pain is so intense, that as much as I try to scream, no sound at all comes out. I look into his eyes and he, now terrified as well, stares back at me. My sight falls back on my hip and, God, I just can’t think straight anymore. I can’t conceive it, I cannot fathom what’s just happened and worst of all, I don’t even know how to react to it.
Run away, I tell myself, but my legs won't allow me.
I fall once again to the ground, my hands and clothes completely soaked in blood. I cry out for help again hopeless, staring at the maniac who did this to me, who did this to us. My grief pours out in a flood of uncontrollable tears, I never thought my end would come so soon… I keep watching, as he runs away from me. Neither does he look for help, nor does he call an ambulance, he simply leaves me to bleed.
I take a look at my hip again, blood keeps leaking out of it and I feel extremely dizzy and afraid, so fucking afraid… afraid that this is really the end of me, that this is how I die, alone and without even having said goodbye to the man I love. Sweat keeps dripping off my forehead and as I wipe it off with my hand, I can clearly perceive how cold my face has become, meaning that my body temperature’s drastically dropped already. I try to drag myself inside the room that I left my phone in, but the pain I feel is so excruciating, that it prevents me from doing anything at all.
I should just give up, all I can do is pray that someone notices I’m gone and comes looking for me.
"Please… Help… Me…" I helplessly murmur once again, my body shaking in agony. I’m keep trying my best to ignore how fast my head is spinning and how unendurable the pain in my hip is, because the moment I stop doing that, it’s over for me. Breathe Ellie, breathe, I tell myself, but the ache is so agonizing, that I simply cannot stand it anymore.
I surrender.
Emily
43
Promptness, rapidity and lucidity.
I try to wipe away my tears, but they simply won’t stop flooding my face. Ellie lies cold and still in front of me, as I attempt to give her first aid. I feel it… I can still feel her pulse, but she’s losing so much blood that if I don’t find a way to stop it somehow, I’m really scared that she might not make it. I look around the room searching for anything that might come in handy but find nothing. I take off my jacket and delicately place it beneath Ellie’s head, to keep it tilted up, as I try to comfort her.
"Things will be all right, I promise you" I tell her through my tears. Promptness, rapidity and lucidity I keep repeating to myself, as if it were a mantra.
I gently lift her shirt to take a better look at her hip, then examine the rest of her body to see if she’s been stabbed elsewhere as well, but as far as I can see that’s the only bleeding wound she has. I wipe my nose with my sleeve, as I force myself to keep breathing, slowly. I try my best to fight it but fear has taken over me almost completely by now. Ellie’s blood is still pouring out, not as much as earlier though and I hope to God that this is a good sign. I take another look around, in search of something that might reduce, if not stop the leak entirely, until finally I have an idea. I get up to grab one of the kitchen towels that Ellie's sister brought us a couple of months back, I quickly fold the cloth in half, softly place it on top of her hip and then slowly press down on it. Ellie wails in pain and it destroys me, but I’m only doing this for her own good, so I keep at it, enduring the heartbreaking scene in silence.
I hear footsteps nearby and I can’t but hope that it’s the help we’ve been waiting for, or rather I pray it is, because what if whoever did this is still close by here somewhere, ready to strike again? I shut my eyes and breathe in deeply, trying to get ahold of myself, thinking about how the match must have come to an end by now and about how Noah might be on his way here as well, although I don't know whether that’s a good thing or not. I don’t know whether it’s better for him to get here now or after they’ve rescued her, but I certainly can't worry about that too in this moment.
I remain focused on Ellie, holding the towel firmly over her hip, even if it’s already, completely drenched in blood. I tell her to hold on, while I keep crying my heart out, I tell her to stay with me, that things are going to be okay and miraculously, a tear runs down her face, meaning that she’s still alive, that she’s still here with me and that there’s still hope. The footsteps become louder and I’m more than relieved when, looking at the door, I see Noah standing in front of me. He looks at her, then looks at me, then looks at her again.
"Ellie" he whispers, running towards us.
"Be careful, Noah" I say, bawling my eyes out.
The more he looks at her, the paler his face becomes and as he caresses her hair, he can’t help bursting into tears as well, although the way he’s crying isn’t the same as mine. His is an unbelievably desperate lament, the sound coming out of his mouth is anguishing, terrifying almost and that breaks my heart even more. He keeps caressing her, as he gently poses his lips on her forehead.
"Noah we have to find a way to keep her warm, I know that you don’t want to leave her side, but I can’t move because I have to hold the towel in place. Can you go look for a blanket or something, please?"
He looks at me stupefied, his eyes wide open and I’m not sure whether he’s heard me or not but, just as I’m thinking that, he gets up, rushes to the bedroom and immediately comes back with what I’d asked.
Fuck! Why the hell is 911 is taking so long?!
"I'm here baby, I'm right here with you" he whispers.
It feels unreal.
It feels like a living nightmare.
When the ambulance finally arrives a paramedic immediately intervenes, pressing his hands firmly down onto the bloody towel in my place.
"You’ve done a great job" he says, but his words sound faint and distant to me. I inhale and exhale several times, trying to stay calm, but this is all just too much for me to take in. I burst into tears once more, my body keeps shaking and I’m so agitated at this point, that after vomiting my guts out, I drop down to the ground and lose my senses as well.
Noah
44
Restless.
That's all I’ve been ever since the game started, ever since realizing that Ellie was not in the stands, smiling and cheering for me, eager and full of life.
Full of life, the way she’s always been.
I watch in silence, as the paramedics check Ellie’s vital parameters and give her first aid. Emily’s still passed out on the floor, but one of the operators is taking care of her as well. Everything feels chaotic, confusing and unreal, as if I were stuck in a nightmare. The one and only thing on my mind right now is, who?
Who could have done this to her and why?
Why her, out of all people?
The operators lay Ellie down on a stretcher and load her into the ambulance, then do the same with Emily, in the meantime the police arrives. The officers start looking around and investigating, questioning me about what’s happened… me, as if I were in any position to answer even one of their questions.
Many students have gathered up outside the apartment by now, I notice Cris is there too and as he’s about to come speak to me, a police officer stops him: no one can set foot in what has n
ow turned into a crime scene.
"The girl on the ambulance, that’s his girlfriend. He’s got nothing to do with this officer, he’s been playing football with us up until ten minutes ago, anybody here can testify that. Please, I need to take him to the hospital" says Cris. The policeman mutters something to his colleague, then nods at me, allowing me to go, but I’m so flustered right now that I can’t even remember how to walk.
"Hey man, let's go see how she’s doing, come on" continues Cris, but everything feels just far too overwhelming. One of the policemen kindly puts his hand on my shoulder and I turn around to look at him.
"Son, everything’s going to be okay. Go now, get to her" says he, helping me make the first few steps out of what used to be our cozy, little love nest up until not long ago.
When we finally arrive, the doctors tell me that Ellie’s operation will take at least another couple of hours, but that so far there seems to be no injury to any of her vital organs and that’s a relief. In the meantime, I’ve had to inform Ellie’s sister about the whole situation and to say that it was the most painful phone call of my life, well, that’s an understatement. I rang mom right afterwards, asking her to please join Amelia on her way here. If only I knew who did this... I’d do to him what he did to her, but a million times worse.
When I see Emily walk out of the emergency room, my blood freezes. She’s completely drenched in blood, it’s everywhere both on her and her clothes, the blood of the woman that I love more than anything in the entire universe and that’s... just so much to bear. She drags herself towards me, pale as a corpse and sits down on the chair next to mine. I look at her and in a matter of seconds she’s in tears again. I don't know how or if we’ll ever be able to live with the things we’ve seen, but I do know that if she needs a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for her.