by Abbye J Leen
The police officers get back to us, they ask Emily precisely at what time, where and in what conditions she found Ellie and despite her anguish and confusion, she still manages to answer all their questions as clearly and detailed as possible. At last, the doctors come out of the operating room and immediately both Amelia and I rush up to them, wanting to know how the operation went.
"She’s lost a lot of blood and we’ve had to perform several transfusions, but luckily the weapon did not make it to any of her vital organs. She’s going to have to remain completely sedated for a couple of days now, we did try to wake her up, but she was still too agitated to be kept awake. Her nervousness would have only worsened her condition, all she really needs now is a good dose of sleep and tranquility"
"When can we see her?" I ask.
"In a few minutes, one at a time though" the doctor says.
Amelia bursts into tears once again, thanking and hugging the doctors wholeheartedly, while mom dearly strokes my back, trying to reassure me.
"You should go home and get changed before you visit her Noah" she says.
"No. I need to see her first."
"You might want to do as she says, Noah" says Amelia, pointing to the large blood stains on my uniform.
"I can give you a lift Noah. I’ll drop you off, take a shower as well and then pick you back up as soon as we’re done" says Emily.
"No! I said no, stop pushing it! I need to see that she’s okay with my own two eyes before going anywhere!" I yell, immediately regretting it. I know that they’re just as afraid as I am, but they can’t ask me to do that, it’s just out of the question. I’m not going to leave, not now, not until I get to see her. A nurse hands me a sterile, blue gown and I put it on, unable to stop feeling growingly afraid and unprepared for whatever awaits me in there. As I’m about to cross the threshold, anxiety takes over completely, and my stomach feels all knotted up. Should I burst into tears? Should I let my emotions get the best of me? Maybe... but maybe I can’t. Maybe I just need to stay strong.
The nurse looks at me with a discomforted expression on her face, she turns around to place her hand on the door knob then looks at me again.
"Don’t be afraid, she might not be awake but she’s alive, even though she’s all intubated. I’m only telling so that you know what to expect"
I nod but say nothing, because I don’t have the necessary strength to speak right now. The nurse opens the door and enters, while I take a deep breath, appeal to all my bravery and follow her in. The moment I see her my heart rips apart. She looks weak, vulnerable and worn out, her skin is pallid and the pipes coming out of her body are a lot more than I’d imagined. I am so overwhelmed looking at her that all I can do is give into tears, unable to stop thinking about how I should have protected her.
Ellie
45
Anguish.
It is the only thing I can perceive right now, I think.
It’s as if my body no longer belonged to me, as if my soul had disconnected. It’s hard to explain how I feel right now. Hard to understand what exactly has happened to me. I simply feel anguish, I feel it deep inside my chest. It’s a feeling so ugly, that I can’t stop searching for a way to fight it, even if it feels hopeless.
I wish I knew how long I’ve been in this state for, my memories are blurred. I do remember that someone tried to wake me up at some point, but I have no idea how long ago that was, all I know is that I opened my eyes for a moment, but something scared me so much that a person had to intervene, a nurse perhaps? I’m not sure, I just felt an intense burning sensation in my arm and then suddenly everything went black. I try to soothe my soul, but there’s a war going on inside of me. A massive battle is taking place right now, it’s my subconscious, trying to evoke memories VS my mind, categorically refusing to let that happen.
I attempt to speak, but all that comes out is a feeble lament that only makes my throat burn agonizingly. For now, I’m just going let myself fall back into that state of complete unconsciousness that I’ve been into for God knows how long.
***
Every single inch of my body hurts.
I try to open my eyes, but my heavy eyelids are very difficult to lift. I take in deep breath and try harder, this time I succeed, although the morning light that hits me afterwards almost makes me wish I hadn’t. I bring my hand up to my face and cover my eyes with it. As I slowly adjust to the brightness, I slowly start noticing that my knuckles are full of bruises and that there’s a drip coming out of the back of my hand.
Why is there a drip coming out of my hand?
Just as I’m thinking that, the heart rate monitor besides me starts beeping faster, which does nothing but make me even more anxious and confused. I take a look around, the light in this room is very cold and not a single object in here seems familiar to me at all. The walls are a dull blue, the curtains thin and white and there’s computer monitors all over the place. I try to lift myself up, but a sharp pain in the hip prevents me from doing so. I look towards the room’s entrance and my heart leaps, seeing that Amelia’s here. She’s standing still, holding a paper cup into her hands, as tears start running down her face.
"Hey" I whisper, but that’s about all I can say because talking makes my throat burn unimaginably. She runs up to me and hugs me tightly, carefully avoiding the tube in my arm. She keeps crying her eyes out loudly against my chest, while I try to comfort her, delicately stroking her head. I feel so bad, so guilty… I never meant for her to worry and suffer so much.
I hear a strange, sudden noise coming from just outside the door, as if someone had knocked something over and that startles me immediately, making my heartbeat accelerate and my head turn.
Nolan’s here, standing more or less where Amelia was just moments ago. I smile at him, then get back to my sister, although I must admit that I’m a little disappointed because I was expecting to see Noah instead of him.
"Where's Noah?" I ask Amelia, who’s still looking at me as if she couldn’t believe that I was actually here, awake, alive and speaking to her.
"At home, showering and he’s going to kill me because of it. He’s been staying by your side day and night, week after week and for once that I had convinced him to take a break... you woke up!"
"Weeks?" I mutter and Nolan confirms, nodding. He also seems to be pretty bewildered, looking at me as if he had no words, as if he’d just witnessed a miracle.
"Yes darling, weeks"
"What... Why? What happened?" I ask, confused.
"You don’t remember anything at all? Asks Nolan and this time I am the one who has no words, because I remember absolutely nothing.
"We’ll talk about that, but the doctors need to see you first" says Amelia, as she presses the nurse’s button on my bed’s controller.
***
I’ve been subjected to a variety of medical tests that lasted forever the doctors were afraid that my brain couldn’t work properly anymore. Turns our they were right, partially, seeing that I still can’t remember any of what has happened to me. There’s a psychologist in the room even now, trying to explain that to me, but I simply can’t quite believe her, when she tells me that the reason why I ended up here is because someone stuck a knife through my hip. Her words sound so unreal… why would anybody want to stab me and most importantly, who?
“What I’m trying to say is that there’s a possibility that you might never recall what happened to you on that day" she tells me, in conclusion.
"Is there a way to prevent that? I mean, someone almost killed me... I must remember who it was!" I say, as my eyes start watering, absolutely terrified at the thought of being unable to remember.
"There is no way, I'm sorry, but there are some ways for you to work on it, day by day and I’d be more than glad to help throughout that process. The only thing I strongly advise you to do right now is not to stress it, because it won’t do you any good. Your brain is simply trying to protect you right now, so don't take your anger out on it, if it pr
efers not to show you what you so badly wish to see. The trauma you have suffered is not to be underestimated, so give things time and if you ever feel the need to talk, I’m here"
The doctor's words comfort me a little, just enough for me to stop holding my breath, although my heart has just wholly shattered into a thousand, tiny pieces and the pain I feel is deafening. She starts heading out, while I close my eyes, grab onto the bed sheets, then hold them close to my chest, as a tear slowly escapes my eye.
Before stepping out of the room, she turns around to look at me one last time, with a very heavy-hearted expression on her face. She is not very tall, her smile is quite beautiful, and both her hair and eyes are brown.
She sighs pitifully, then smiles:
"Young lady you need to be strong. You can do this. You have to do this. It’s for your own good" she says, and I nod, understanding from her words that if I try hard enough, my efforts will eventually pay off. Being able to remember means being able to protect myself.
Once the doctor steps out, Amelia enters and she’s got Jonas on the phone, which I happily say hi and speak to, after so long. I’ve missed my grandson so much and just hearing his voice makes me want to cry.
What the doctor’s just said, was a lot for me to take in, I can’t stop thinking about it and I can’t stop thinking about a lot of other things, too. I keep thinking about Emily, the state in which she found me and it kills me to know all that she had to go through that afternoon, not to mention the way I felt when I found out that Noah had showed up and witnessed it all as well, just moments after. All these thoughts I’m having are very draining and painful to deal with, but I grieve silently, biting onto my lower lip, trying not give in to tears in front of my sister.
"Where's Noah? I really want to see him" I ask.
Amelia looks at me smiling, but I’m unable to reciprocate. I just want to see my boyfriend right now. I need him, I need to know that he’s okay.
"Honey he was extremely worn out, his mom must have convinced him to lay down and rest for a bit"
"His mom’s here too?" I ask, amazed.
"Of course, she came here to support you like the rest of us. Now, let’s take a break from all of this, shall we? Look, the doctors gave me these" she says, pointing to a pack of hydrophobic plasters.
"You can take that much desired shower now, finally!"
Very much desired indeed, since they’ve been washing me with a damp cloth for the past two weeks. When I try to get up, a strange sensation pervades my entire body, the pain is so intense that I feel like I’m about to faint, so before that happens I cling onto the bed railing and stop to take a deep, long breath.
"Do you need to lie down?" Amelia asks, worried.
She’s extremely frightened, I can perceive clearly it from the way she’s touching me, looking at me and even speaking to me.
"No Amy it's fine, it’s just a pressure drop" I tell her.
"Come on I’ll help you out, just hang on tightly onto me" she says, helping me wrap my arm over her shoulders. I look at her and once again, I find myself feeling so, infinitely grateful to have her as my sister. Here she is, right by my side once again, ready to literally carry all of my pain and sufferings on her shoulders.
"I love you and I’m so sorry for all of this" I whisper to her. Amelia lifts her head up and looks at me, her eyes already watering.
"None of this was your fault, darling, you’re not the one who has to feel sorry - she says, caressing my face lovingly - let's take this shower now, shall we?" she concludes, before giving in to tears and I, with her.
The lukewarm water slowly alleviates the pain in my muscles. I try not to look at my hip, the hip that someone stuck a knife through, as I were a piece of meat, as if I had no feelings. What remains of me now, is just fear and anguish. I'm afraid I’ll never remember what happened, I’m afraid I’ll never know who attacked me... I'm afraid of everything, I’m afraid to even breathe right now. I burst into tears leaning against the shower tiles, releasing all of my tension and negative emotions at once.
A very high-pitched shriek escapes my throat and I have no way to stop it, it’s so loud that it even hurts my own ears. I simply can't grasp why someone would this to me. Amelia looks at me and tries to comfort me, posing her hand sweetly on my shoulder. She closes the tap and as the bath slowly drains, she speaks to me, whispering reassuring words to my ears. She helps me up, then quickly wraps a towel around me, as I cling onto her, onto those shoulders and arms that never fail to support me. I can’t help but feel like a child again, I’m no longer twenty-two, no, it’s as if I was eleven again and my mom had just died. I weep out all of the tears in my body, while Amelia tries to soothe me. It’s reassuring to see that she’s here now, just the way she was back then. It’s reassuring to know that my sister will always be here for me, right by my side and ready to ease my aches. I really don’t know what I’d do without her.
"I love you" I sob, as she gently dabs my cheeks with a napkin. Even if she’s trying to hide it I can see that she’s biting her lip, the way we both always do, whenever we’re trying to hold back tears.
"I love you too" she replies, in a voice that’s charged with sorrow. She helps me sit on the service chair in the bathroom, waits for me to calm down and then helps me get dressed. The few movements that I am able to make are very limited, to the point even something as simple as lifting my legs is turning out to be a real challenge, considering the twinges of pain that I’m am struck by when I attempt to do so. I wipe my tears once again and take in a deep breath: I’m twenty-two now, I need to get a hold of myself and stop wining like a crybaby. I finish drying my hair, then step out of the bathroom.
I look around the room, hoping to see Noah, but once again my expectations are let down. What I do see instead is Nolan, sitting nearby the window, vacantly staring outside with a worried expression on his face, his elbow resting on his knee and his hand held up over his mouth. He used to often sit this way as a child, too, especially when something was troubling him.
"You look wonderful" he says the moment he notices I’m back and I smile at him, while Amelia helps me walk back to bed. I feel extremely worn out and I would really like to simply rest for a while, so I sit down in bed and take a deep breath, while a wave of nausea hits me. The fact that I haven’t had anything to eat really isn’t helping me feel less like shit. Suddenly, I hear the sound of footsteps coming from the hallway and even if I’m still feeling sick to my stomach, I turn around to look towards the entrance and in an instant, my entire world lights up. Noah’s eyes are fixed on mine, he stares at me with a dropped jaw and eyes wide open, which he closes then reopens a couple of times, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, like a lot of other people in here today.
"Oh fuck! Shit! Oh my God!" he says, running towards me and literally falling to my feet. He encircles his arms around my waist, as his body shakes with joy and once again, I can’t stop myself from bursting into tears.
I run my fingers through his hair and slowly wrap my arms around his neck, the pain I feel in this position is killing me, but it does not matter, nothing matters anymore, if not him and the fact that he’s finally here with me. He gets up from the floor, looking at me with bloodshot eyes, a messy beard and even messier hair. His big, blue eyes look straight into mine and for the first time ever, I can see how truly full of love they are, or perhaps always have been. He delicately brings his hand up to my face and caresses it, the sweetness with which he does it sends a shiver down my back. He stares at me in awe, until he can no longer resist, he leans into me and kisses me, in a tender and affectionate way. He moves one of his hands to the back of my neck and slides it upwards, through my hair, while with the other he slides underneath my pyjama to caress my hip first, very delicately and then my back, running his fingers up and down my spine and holding me close. He twirls his tongue with mine, as I cling onto him with all the strength left in my body. I hold him avidly and kiss him, as if it were the last time, becaus
e if there's something I've learned from all of this is that life is a precious thing and that it can be taken away from you in the blink of an eye, especially when you’re least expecting it. From this moment on I will live like there's no tomorrow, filling my life with love, joy, ambition, friendship and laughter...
because tomorrow is never promised.
Eighteen years-old
Nolan’s super excited, the playing season has come to an end today and he’s absolutely over the moon about it, because as usual, they’ve managed to shine and triumph above all other teams. Noah on the other hand seems to be much more chill about it, sure, he’s happy about their umpteenth victory as well, but he’s reacting much more moderately to it. Leaning against his car’s trunk, he’s holding me by the hips and nibbling onto my neck. The chills he’s sending down my spine are driving me mad, I wish he’d just make me his already, I wish he’d just reach down into my shorts, push my panties aside and touch me with his skillful fingers, right where I like it most. Not that this is either the right place or time to be doing that, unless we want to get arrested for public obscenities but still, I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to resist.
"My game tactics were flawless today, Ellie, so much better than your weak-sauce boyfriend’s!"
I look at him puzzledly: Nolan’s never been as overconfident, except for maybe a couple of times in his life, during which he’d speak to us very conceitedly, as if he were God Almighty himself. On those occasions, Noah and I would always make sure not to contradict him, seeing that Joseph did that once and all he got in exchange for it was a broken jaw.
He is truly unrecognizable sometimes, Nolan.
He knows how to make you feel protected, just as well as he knows how to make you feel frightened and uneasy. When he tells us that this is the second day in a row that he doesn’t get any sleep, Noah looks at me raising his eyebrows: he’s got so much energy into him, that neither of us can believe what he’s just said.