Every Single Heartbeat

by Abbye J Leen

  "He's not addicted to drugs or something, is he?" I whisper to Noah’s ear, who can’t help but laugh out loud and sweetly kiss me on the lips right afterwards, still smiling.

  "Not that I know of" he replies.

  "Hey come on, why are you laughing? Mine was a legitimate concern!" I say, looking at him with a serious expression on my face, but only ending up making him laugh again. I nudge him jokingly, while Nolan nervously asks what’s there to laugh about.

  "It's nothing, we were just messing around" I cut it short. He looks at me sideways for a moment, then turns around and walks back to the others, to boast his ego a little more. I don't understand how he can go from being shy and timid, to outgoing and uninhibited so easily, I really don’t… I observe him, with a quizzical eyebrow, as he loudly praises himself with the rest of the team.

  Noah

  46

  The moment I see that she’s woken up, I feel such an intense emotion growing inside of me and in an instant, I feel alive again.

  Anger.

  Revenge.

  Fury.

  That's all I’ve felt in the past two weeks.

  Two agonizingly long weeks, in which Ellie was gone and had no way to get back to me. The doctors tried to stop sedating her, they really did, but every time she’d regain consciousness, even if for a couple of seconds, she’d be far too tormented and shocked to be kept up. If there’s one thing I could never forget is how full of terror her eyes were, she’d clench onto the bedsheets so tightly that her knuckles would turn white and the way she’d kick and scream… it was awful to witness. It was agonizing to watch, just as much as it was to know that she might have not made it out of there alive...

  But now she’s here, awake and breathing into my arms. I can feel the lukewarm, salty taste of tears, as our tongues softly unite and interlace. I can feel our hearts beating in perfect unison and I can’t do anything other than eagerly listen the sweet sound of every single thump. I slowly start touching her, her body, her face, her hair… there’s not a thing about her that I wouldn’t touch right now, I need to feel her, I need to feel that she’s here with me, I need to know that this is real. Amelia clears her voice a couple of times, but I have no intention of letting Ellie go. I gently put my hands around her face and for a moment, I stop kissing her, but only to look into her eyes and whisper "I love you" against her lips.

  "Noah, for God's sake! Let her lie down at least!" begs Amelia.

  Reluctantly, I disengage my mouth from hers, but there’s still no way that I’m letting her go. I gently put an arm behind her knees and the other behind her neck, then swipe her up into my arms, making her smile and chuckle wholeheartedly. That sound, the melodious and wonderful sound of her laughter, a sound that I’ve missed like the air that I need to breathe, a sound that fills my heart with joy and a sound that I risked being unable to ever hear again. I gently lay her down in bed, wishing that I could have her all to myself... but then again, who in this room wouldn’t want that?

  "How do you feel?" I ask, giving her a sweet kiss on the forehead.

  She shrugs, then says: "Let's just say that I’m tired"

  "Ellie, I... who was it? Have you called the police yet? We need to let them know that you woke up"

  "Noah, I can't remember anything" she sighs upset, looking down at her hands and then back up at me.

  "How's that possible?"

  "A psychologist had to come in earlier and talk her through it, Noah. The experience was so traumatic that her brain blanked it out, to protect her. The doctors hope that by working on it, she might make some progresses under this point of view, but we have no way to know that for sure" Amelia tells me.

  "There’s gotta be some way to help her…"

  "Jesus Noah don’t stress it! She just woke up, give her a break!" intervenes Nolan and I look at him sideways.

  Don’t stress it? Some maniac stabbed the woman I love and left her unconscious in a pool of blood, how am I supposed not to stress it?! I don’t even want to know what would have happened, if I hadn’t asked Emily to go look for her.

  "Ok guys, let us not get into this right now, Ellie needs to rest. I think you should get going Nolan, I’ll be on my way as well”. Nolan nods and kisses Ellie goodbye on the cheek, but she doesn’t reciprocate.

  Mom plaited her hair and it suits her a lot.

  She always looks mesmerizing, even now that she’s pale and has dark circles under her eyes. Her beauty is just so natural, so rare, so pure. She never has to put any effort in it, it’s undeniable how stupefying she is and I am completely addicted to her.

  A number of doctors came in to visit her today, they took some blood samplings, ran a couple of check ups, and then updated us on her conditions. Starting tonight, she can finally start eating normally again, sure, it will have to be very tasteless and dull hospital food but still, it’s better than nothing. I sigh disconsolately, as I watch her speak to my mother, although I can’t stop having flashbacks of that day. I can’t stop picturing her, lying half-dead in a pool of her own blood. I’ve got that disturbing image of her stuck in my mind and I can’t get it out. To witness certain events, to experience them on your own skin… that has nothing to do with what they show you in the movies. Truth is it’s so much worse, much more shocking and terrifying.

  "Do you think it was the same person who broke into your apartment years ago?" I ask, needing to know if she’s got the same doubts as me.

  "I don't know. I’m just so afraid, Noah. I'm afraid that I won’t remember... and if I don’t, I’ll be forced to spend the rest of my life living in fear" she admits.

  "I will never allow anything bad to ever happen to you again" I swear to her.

  "But how? You can’t stick with me 24/7"

  "Maybe I can’t, but somebody else might. I know what to do baby, don’t be afraid", I reassure her, and she nods, although she seems doubtful. I lie down next to her and delicately give her a kiss on the cheek, while mom tells us that she’s going to head back home with Amelia to get some rest. Ellie hugs and kisses them both goodbye, then curls back to bed and into my arms. She softly runs her fingers up and down my face, but seeing how exhausted she is, I decide to stop her. I put my hand over hers, bring it close to my lips and delicately start kissing her knuckles, inviting her to rest for a while, which she does, falling into a deep, peaceful sleep just shortly afterwards.

  Obsession

  I keep writing her name, over and over again.

  Ellie, Ellie, Ellie.

  I always do it, it’s a way for me to release my thoughts and the uncontrolled desire that I have for her. I didn’t mean to harm her, but when she rejected me, I lost my shit completely. I just couldn’t keep myself under control, even though I thought I could.

  Despite it all I love her, and I always will, until the very end of me. I keep thinking about her body, her eyes, her lips... I keep thinking about her, over and over again. She’s always in my mind, as if nothing else existed, as if nothing else mattered, as if the entire universe had nothing better to offer.

  I take a good look at the many pictures I secretly snapped of her over the years, tightly holding my shaft as I do so. I picture her kneeling down, ready to please me with her mouth, then climbing on top of me. I picture myself inside of her, I picture the way she’d moan and the way she’d suck and bite onto my lips. I picture her with my arms wrapped around her body, as I violently thrust my cock inside and out her.

  This was the only ‘pain’ I would have wanted her to feel, but I just lost it, completely... although I can’t let myself be distracted by that thought right now.

  I focus back on her photos, especially on the one that shows her in a minuscule red bikini, sitting by the campus’ pool. I tighten the grip around my cock and start moving my hand up and down frantically, still picturing her here, as it if was her, who was giving me all this pleasure. I squeeze harder and move faster, until I cum, shouting her name out loud.

  I love her desperately. I can’t liv
e without her.

  I must have her.

  I must own her body, mind and soul.

  I must win her heart over.

  To conquer her is my sole, vital objective.

  Ellie

  47

  A month later

  Noah is extremely anxious today and it shows, he’ll only be gone for less than a week but ever since I was assaulted, he never wants to leave my side anymore, not even for a minute. I can’t blame him, it’s not like I want to be left on my own either… which I won’t be, in part, because now a fascinating bodyguard looks out for me whenever he can’t. Not that the thing thrills him, of course, but he’s trying his best to keep his jealousy at bay.

  I smile if I think back to the first time, he came back from one of his work trips and found me on my own with Andreaa. I remember it as if it was yesterday, I was depicting New York City in all its beauty, inspired by the incredibly suggestive view of our apartment. Who would have thought that I’d end up living in a such a wonderful and luxurios flat in the very center of the Big Apple?

  I'm intent adding details to the Empire State Building, while Andreea watches me from a distance. Back then, it still felt super embarrassing to have his eyes on me at all times.

  "I really enjoy watching you paint" he said at one point, which I know might sound ambiguous, but not in this case, because Andreea’s always had quite the outgoing personality.

  When he first started working for us, his attitude, almost made it awkward for me to be completely alone in a room with him, as did his physical appearance. He’s a very tall guy, with deep, black eyes and dark, wavy hair, who always keeps his beard perfectly trimmed. His perfect facial features almost make you forget about the well-built physique, not to mention that he has a smile so sweet, flawless and sincere, that it would make anybody’s heart melt at first sight. As time passed, I got used to it though, we started opening up a little and besides being my bodyguard, he’s also turned into a friend. When Noah isn’t here, he always is, to keep me safe and at ease.

  "Thank you" I reply, smiling, as I continue to fade out the city lights on the canvas. I hear someone walking down the main hall and given the time, I’m guessing it must be Agnese, Noah's maid, about to serve us dinner.

  I take a look at the overall painting: "So what do you think?" I ask Andreea.

  "I find it simply outstanding" he replies, smiling.

  Just as I’m thanking him, I get interrupted by somebody clearing their throat behind us. I turn around and to my outmost surprise I see Noah, looking at me with a quizzical eyebrow.

  "Oh my God!" I say, literally jumping out of my chair. I’m so happy to see him, he wasn’t supposed to be back until tomorrow! I run up to him then jump into his arms, tightly wrapping my legs around his waist and he envelops me back eagerly, buying his face into my neck and breathing into my scent, slowly calming down.

  I continue to kiss every inch of his flawless visage, sweetly and tirelessly, while Noah searches for my lips with his own. When he finally finds them, an intense and carnal kiss takes place, one of those kisses that makes people stop reasoning, me in particular, seeing that my breath is already short and I’m very nearly about to lose my senses.

  "You're home!"

  "Apparently so" he replies.

  I jump off of him, still smiling.

  "Are you hungry?" I ask, taking his hand into mine, which he observes, then intertwines his fingers with.

  He shakes his head, then sighs, as his gaze shifts to Andreea, who now stands straight and firm, in a much more professional way. I dislike how rigid and uneasy he’s suddenly become, he should be feeling almost at-home by now, considering the number of days that he’s had to spend with me and the many more yet to come. Noah’s grown and matured a lot in the past few years, he’s changed in many good ways, but his jealousy towards me has never really lessened. I kindly smile at Andreea, as to excuse us, then draw my boyfriend out of the room and into the kitchen.

  "You know that you were the one who hired him, right?" I say and he nods but remains quiet.

  "And you do know that you are and always will be the most beautiful human being in the entire universe for me, right?" He raises an eyebrow at me, biting onto his lower lip and keeping both his hands in his pockets. He looks so sexy in the uniform that they put on after the matches, it’s a silky black suit, with a white, elegant shirt underneath and a shiny, black tie.

  He’s so utterly beautiful and so utterly mine.

  "And you do know that I love you and you only, right?" I say, stepping in closer to him.

  "Alright, you win" he finally says, smiling broadly. He pulls me into his arms, making our bodies adhere completely, then looks deeply into my eyes, gently caressing my face. He moves his hands upwards, running his fingers through my ponytail and tightening it, while I kiss him on the lips, hugging him even harder than he is.

  "I love you" he tells me, as he keenly leads me into the bedroom with him.

  ***

  Since then things haven’t changed much: every time he comes back home he pouts a little, but that usually doesn’t last long, I just have to remind him of the fact he’s the only one man I’ll ever have eyes for. I don’t understand where his fear of not being good enough for me comes from, I no longer know how to tell him that he’s everything to me, I really don’t.

  "Are you nervous?"

  "A little bit" I admit, I always am whenever he has to leave.

  "You could come with me, if you wanted to" says he, running his fingers through my hair.

  "I can’t, the MoMA exhibition is the very day after your flight back home"

  "I know, it’s just that I wish I never had to leave you. I don’t want you to be on your own"

  "I won’t be, Andreea’s going to be with me the whole time"

  "Yeah, I’m not exactly over the moon about that, but at least you’re safe with him. When’s Nolan supposed to arrive?"

  "I’m not sure, I think it’ll be on the same day that you’re supposed to be returning. Oh, I forgot to tell you, Emily’s coming over tomorrow. I really can’t wait to see her!"

  "Why can’t she come when I’m here as well?"

  "Why does it matter whether you’re here or not?"

  "Because if you’re going to go out in crowded places I’d like to be present as well, you know?"

  "Don't be jealous now"

  "This isn’t about jealousy, this is about you being safe"

  "I am safe Noah, we’re no longer in California, we’re in New York City now. Anyways, she’ll be staying over for a while, you'll find us both here when you’re back"

  He nods, then smiles, but I know that he doesn’t mean it. I know that because I am just as insecure and afraid as he is right now, but after all, what’s on the other side of fear, if not freedom? I can’t keep hiding forever, nor can I let the past stop me from living my future.

  I’m tired of not knowing and not remembering. I know that this whole recovery process is going to be quite lengthy and I know that I need to give things time, but I really thought that I would have made at least some progress by now. The doctors seemed quite optimistic, they told me not to worry, that everything will come back to me when I least expect it to... How I wish I were as confident as them...

  "Everything’s going to be okay, baby" he says, and I nod, praying that he’s right.

  I twist my hair around my fingers, over and over again, the way I always do when I need to calm myself down. Noah imitates me, running his fingers through my hair, playing with it and then lightly letting it fall back on my shoulders.

  "I wish you didn’t have to go" I admit, at last.

  I don’t think I ever told him that before, as to avoid making him feel even worse. I know very well how difficult this whole situation is for him already, but this time, I simply can’t keep things bottled up... I need to be reassured.

  "I wish I didn’t have to go either love, but I can’t miss it. No one’s stopping you from coming with though, you coul
d still carry on with your work and-"

  "Noah..."

  "Yeah, yeah, I know. That’s not doable because an entire hotel room wouldn’t be enough to fit all the things you’d have to bring along, I get it" he snorts.

  I look into his eyes wondering if I’ll ever get tired of doing that, of admiring their wonderful shape and that color so rare, but at the same time so familiar to me.

  I lean in to kiss him, sinuously running my fingers up and down the back of his neck, as I slowly climb on top of him and sit astride his lap. I start moving my hips back and forth, sensing him smiling against my lips, as he passionately glides his hands under my shirt.

  "It makes me feel so fucking good to touch you, to feel your warmth... I just can’t get enough of it" he whispers, sending shivers down my spine. He brushes my hair out of the way and kisses me on the neck, right where my uncontrolled heartbeat can be felt most. He unbuttons my shirt and throws it at the foot of the bed, looking at me approvingly the moment he realizes that I’m wearing absolutely nothing underneath it. I can feel the sincerity of his appreciation throbbing hard between my legs and that drives me absolutely mad. I take his shirt off as well and start leaving a trail of kisses on his skin that goes down, from his collarbones until his lower abs. I can feel my breasts rubbing against his skin as I do so and the way he’s loudly groaning because of it makes me unable to resist him any longer. I take off his shorts and underwear and he does the same with me, lifting me back up onto his lap right afterwards. I gradually squat down on his erection, burying the entire length of him inside of me, as a wonderful feeling of fullness overwhelms me completely. I start bouncing up and down on him audaciously, as he admires me with eyes so full of love, such as to make me feel desired, unique and worthy. I can feel his hands all over my body, moving upwards to cup my breasts, which he then starts sucking and biting onto, making my nips wet and turgid.