by Orr, Krystal
Arizira noticed an assortment of nuts in one container, honey and a fruit jam of some sort in two others, smoked deer meat wrapped in a thin white cloth, various roasted vegetables and herbs, and a flat white bread or cake.
"Taetylona must have made this," Talliea said, indicating the bread. "It is called yaldet. The texture is coarse and grainy, but it taste like nuts and goes well with this." Talliea held up the small jar of the fruit jam Arizira had noticed earlier.
"What is that?"
"Potaf ula. It is berries and honey ground and mashed together to create a jam which can be eaten with the yaldet."
Arizira smiled. So much of her time with Talliea had been spent learning about the Arnira and their customs, beliefs, and ways. Talliea had never spoken highly about her people nor gone into any great detail about who they were as a culture. Knowing what she did about Talliea's clan, Arizira could not say she blamed the other woman for her hesitance.
However, Arizira was half Esu herself. There was a whole other side to herself that she did not know about. Granted, the clan her second mother came from, according to Cynra, was vastly different compared to Talliea's own, the fact remained that the two clans were both Esu. At one time, they had each shared the same beliefs and ideals.
Did her second mother eat potaf ula? Did she like yaldet? Were there holidays that she celebrated? Days of the year she observed in special occasion? Suddenly, Arizira realized that Talliea, though from a different group of Esu, possibly held answers about her mother.
About herself.
She watched Talliea spread the jam, the potaf ula, onto a small square of the flat cake.
"Here, try. This will be your first step into my world, Ahmanae."
Taking the proffered bite, Arizira did as instructed. The cake was dry, but not tasteless. Like Talliea had told her, it possessed a nutty flavor and the texture was quite pleasing. The jam was sweet and sticky and coated her tongue with the taste of blueberries.
As she chewed another bite, she realized that perhaps there was more to know, more she wanted to know, about the other side of herself.
* * * * *
Some time later, after Talliea had gone to the stream to bathe, the two women found themselves in conversation.
"What happened to you after my people came upon us?" Talliea asked as she and Arizira sat together near the fire. Arizira was still clad in only the cloak she had awakened in, but she hardly seemed to notice as she was back with her love.
She wrinkled her brow in thought as the memories formed inside her mind. "I tracked you. I followed you for as long as I could, ever searching for a means to expedite your escape."
Talliea smiled sadly. "I thought so. I found myself searching for you at night, in the trees. Markahn kept a vigilant watch and used the powers of Esuval to keep light upon us."
Both women nodded and an easy silence fell around them.
"When you reached your clan, I became so lost because you had traveled to a place I could not follow," Arizira said in soft tones. Both she and Talliea alternated their gazes from the fire to each other.
"That time is a blur to me, Tah-li. I had lost you -- truly lost you, and I was so overcome with grief and sadness. I cried as our circumstances overwhelmed me. There was a pain inside of me that I could not explain."
"I felt it, too," Talliea said, taking Arizira's hand in her own and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I felt as if I were stretched between two different places. My bones ached, my heart felt pierced, and there was a weariness that accompanied my every waking moment. When blackness took me and I fell to slumber, images of you haunted my dreams and the sound of your voice lamented the heartache I felt."
"It is our connection," Arizira supplied softly. She studied Talliea's profile as the sun outside the cave was briefly covered by heavy clouds. The scent of rain on the wind was present.
Talliea nodded, but did not turn her face to look at her love's. She felt a sense of guilt and could not bring herself to look into such unforgiving and unconditional eyes. "Did you know?" she asked in a whisper. "Did you know we would experience that kind of pain without one another?"
A soft beat of silence met her question. Outside, the wind picked up, tossing leaves and small twigs into quickly dying dust devils. Arizira tightened the hold her hand had on Talliea's.
"I suspected, yes. When we made love for the first time, I experienced your life, failira. I felt something different with you than any of the other women I was with before. What we shared was not common. It was...more. I knew afterward that what we had done had forever made us different. The thought of ever being away from you...frightened me."
Talliea shook her head and looked up at the roof of the cave. Tears lined her eyes, but she refused to allow them the chance to fall. Her guilt over what had transpired filled her chest with icy remorse.
Others had been factors, but she, too, had played a part in recent affairs. Her connection with Arizira had been unlike anything she had ever felt before. She'd had no other relationships to compare it to and so had been unable to completely appreciate the unique circumstances surrounding it.
"I am sorry," she said after a moment. Her voice was heavy and rough.
Arizira looked at her -- truly looked at her. She could see the tired set of Talliea’s shoulders, the lines around her eyes where worry had colored her skin, and hear the self disgust evident in her voice. Talliea blamed herself for what had happened.
Reaching over and touching Talliea’s chin with her fingers, Arizira brought her love's face around to her own. She smiled softly and reassuringly as her knuckles grazed smooth skin.
"You did what you thought was best. You were placing my safety above everything else. There is no blame to be had, Tah-li." Her words were ones meant to calm and soothe. They were meant to assuage.
Talliea shook her head and tried to move away from Arizira's soft caress. She did not want comfort. She did not wish to be mollified. Her actions had brought about her separation from her love. Her actions had caused the two of them horrible physical and emotional pain. They had placed more than one life in danger and, in the end, had nearly taken Arizira away from her for good.
The knowledge Cynra had imparted about one of them living ensured the other did as well was a small consolation to her. The fact still remained that she had felt the pain of Arizira's supposed death. How could her love sit and touch her so reverently and speak such pacifying words when she did not know the things Talliea had suffered?
"Do not," she said in a broken voice as she turned her head away again.
Arizira looked confused, but lowered her hand. She could not understand the feelings she was picking up from Talliea. They were troubled and conflicted.
"You were dead," Talliea said without meeting Arizira's eyes. "I held you as your blood coated my fingers, the warmth quickly cooling as your life faded from your eyes. "
Arizira swallowed.
Talliea glanced up to briefly meet her gaze. "It had been so long since I had last seen you. I had missed you, dreamed about you. Every day without you was if a lifetime to me. "
"Tah-li…"
Talliea kept talking as if she had not heard the soft utterance of her name. "Then, you appeared and the sight of you nearly stilled my beating heart. We were together. We had made it. Everything was going to be fine."
Talliea shook her head quickly and bit her bottom lip. She could feel her emotions running away with her and her control began to slip. "But things were not okay, Ahmanae. They were not fine. You died. Despite what Taetylona said about me stopping time, you were dead to me. The despair I felt -- the guilt? I was so lost."
Arizira tried again to console Talliea. Again, she was rebuffed.
"I was going to perform your funerary rights. I was bathing your body and was going to cover you in the cleansing smoke of sage before sending your body back to the stars."
Talliea's throat constricted. It felt thick and tight. Her emotions were still so varied. She felt relief at
Arizira being alive and, mostly, well. She felt overjoyed to be speaking with her and kissing her and touching her.
Yet for every good or positive emotion, there was an equally bad or negative one attached. How was she to just accept that Arizira was okay when, so very recently, she had been preparing to say goodbye to her forever?
Arizira touched her face again. Her fingers tucked underneath Talliea's chin and locked their eyes together. "I am sorry you experienced something so dreadful, failira. Vaguely, I was aware of you, I think. I could feel you, but everything was small and black. I do not believe we can be separated. Ever."
Talliea nodded, one of her hands coming up to wrap around Arizira's wrist. She remembered Cynra telling her that while one of them lived, the other did too.
"While you live, I live and while I live, you live. We share a spirit," she said softly.
Arizira smiled and nodded, the fingers she had on Talliea's face brushing across the small dip in her chin. "Spirit mates," she said, simply.
Talliea smiled. She felt some of her guilt and inner turmoil begin to lessen. One of the very first things Arizira had ever told her was that Arnira loved in the spirit, not in the flesh. At the time, she had not understood what that meant.
Even when she and Arizira had bonded for the first time, she had been unable to fully appreciate the scope of what that love entailed. Things had been clearer for her when the two of them had been joined and experienced one another's lives, but she still had not been able to see how encompassing their attachment to each other truly was.
Now, through heartache and grief, she found she was better able to understand her connection with Arizira. Things were much more clear for her. Even their baby and its conception made sense to her in a way she had never expected.
Thinking of their child caused the smile on her face to grow. She turned slightly so that she was facing Arizira and dropped the cloak covering her front side. Arizira gave her a quizzical look, but otherwise remained still. Talliea lowered her right hand until it came to rest over Arizira's stomach. Her palm smoothed over the still flat tummy as she brought her forehead to her love's shoulder.
"How long until the baby is here?" she asked in an effort to move the two of them to a happier place.
Arizira placed a hand over the one Talliea had on her stomach. She did not know what kind of answer to give the other woman. Arnira carried their children for six months, but the child she was carrying was more Esu than Arnira. Her body showed no outward signs of her pregnancy, but she could feel the emotional and spiritual changes already.
Thinking of her baby made her think of herself. She wished one of her mothers was present. She could ask one of them what to expect during this most important stage of her life. She could use their experiences and their wisdom. But, alas, neither of her parents were available. She knew she needed to tell Talliea what she had learned about herself during their separation. The Esu woman had a right to know.
"I-I do not know, Tah-li. This baby is both Esu and Arnira," she started. "H-how long are Esu women with life?"
Talliea lifted her head and studied the side of Arizira's face. She detected a fair amount of trepidation and the lines creasing her love's eyes hinted at an unknown hesitance. Scooting closer, she moved her free hand behind Arizira's back to brace her while the hand she had on her stomach moved in soft circles.
"Esu are pregnant for nine to ten months. Arnira?"
"Six."
Talliea nodded and continued to study Arizira closely. She knew something was amiss, but she could not place what that was. "There is something you hold to yourself, something you do not tell me. What is it?"
Arizira turned her head and looked into dark brown eyes. Since learning of her parentage, she had felt disconnected from everything she had known. She no longer knew who she was or how to identify herself.
No longer was she simply Arizira Ahmanae, Arniran huntress. She was more than that now. She was a woman who had found her Doira'Liim. She was a woman who was one half of her other half's hated enemy. She was Arizira, the woman who had, by all intents and purposes, died and been returned to life.
She was a woman with life, with child. A child she had never anticipated, never thought to have, but was overjoyed nonetheless. She was a woman with two backgrounds, two different heritages. A woman whose love possessed untold powers through her. Yes, Arizira Ahmanae was different than before. She was changed. Yet, that change was not all bad. Even though she felt off and had difficulty in professing who she was exactly, she still felt as if she was greater than who she had been before meeting Talliea.
By all accounts, their meeting one another had changed the both of them. Neither woman was who she used to be. Both were different; both were more. Each had grown and changed because of the other or through the other.
The physical manifestation of that change was growing inside of Arizira that very minute.
By her reckoning, Arizira believed she had been blessed with child the very first time she and Talliea had made love. Their time after that had been very short lived. Not but a month had passed before they had been taken from one another. That first time, though, had been unlike anything else Arizira had ever experienced.
She had felt...everything. Her mind had barely been able to keep up with, or sort through, the various sensations coursing through her body. Talliea's skin, the smell of her arousal, the taste of her lips, the feeling of her body...it had all been beyond explosive.
Arizira had realized when the two of them had finally come together that Talliea, though a virgin at the time, was far more sexual than she had ever believed her to be.
When Arizira had finally been inside of her and the two of them had begun to move, Talliea's wanton side had nearly taken away her breath. She had been nothing like the Arnira Arizira had been with. She had been better. She had given more of herself. The entire experience had been new for Arizira, just as it had been new for Talliea.
Now, that very same woman was asking what information she was withholding, and Arizira knew there was no way she could keep the truth of her parents to herself. Eventually, Talliea would find out. When they were physical again, she would know. Arizira played with Talliea's fingers absentmindedly before looking up to meet her searching eyes.
"Tah-li, while we were separated, Cynra spoke to me about something important. Something about myself…about who I am and who my parents were."
Talliea leaned back a small measure and gave Arizira a pointed look, begging her to continue. She had always been curious about the other woman's parents, especially the mother who, according to Cynra, had been so beside herself with grief she had returned to her tribe without her child. That story had never settled with Talliea as correct. As true.
As believable.
She watched Arizira stare down at their hands which were still joined over her abdomen. Fingers continued to play aimlessly with her own while the silence grew between them.
"My second mother's name was D'jiira," Arizira started, breaking the hush. Her eyes held a dreamy and wistful quality as they watched the actions of her fingers. "She met my nurture mother very much like I met you."
Talliea listened, fascinated. She had never heard Arizira speak in such halting and unsure tones. Always, her voice had held a confident and knowing cadence that had left Talliea feeling safe. Now, however, that voice was different, almost...lost.
"They were happy for many seasons."
Talliea waited for something more. She knew most of what Arizira was telling her. There was something else she had learned, something she had yet to impart. That was what Talliea waited for so patiently.
Finally, Arizira stopped fidgeting with her hands and looked up. Her blue and shining eyes found dark and deep brown.
"Cynra told me it was D'jiira who gave me my second name. Arnira do not share family names, Tah-li. Second and third names are acquired as we pass important stages in our lives. Always, I possessed a second name, a name that was interchangeable. Yo
u call me Ahmanae because that name is most familiar to you."
Talliea furrowed her brow. She felt like Arizira was trying to tell her something without actually coming out and saying it.
"Tah-li, what does Ahmanae mean?"
The question was barely a whisper, spoken as if the answer to it would provide the elucidation to Arizira's entire life. Talliea hesitated. Arizira had told her the name meant ‘whisper', but she had always known it meant more. She had told her the name was Esulan when they had been separated. What answer was Arizira looking for?
Talliea decided to be as straight forward as possible. "It means 'beautiful whisper' in an older dialect of Esulan. It is an expression denoting something of great importance, something good and kind. Something powerful, but not forceful."
Arizira smiled and nodded her head. "You knew."
Talliea nodded, though she was unsure if Arizira had actually asked a question. "From the moment I met you and heard your name, I wondered," she admitted.
Another small nod and then Arizira continued. "D'jiira was upset over my nurture mother's passing and she did return to her people. She did not take me with her because I did not favor her in appearance. Her clan would not have understood."
Talliea did not miss the implications of the specific wording. Her people. A different appearance. Her clan.
"My second mother was Esu, Tah-li."
Talliea was unsure of whether or not she heard her love correctly. She sat back so that she could fully see Arizira's face. The other woman was staring back at her with eyes that were haunted and begging. She was looking at Talliea like the news she had just imparted held the fate of their future and of Talliea's feelings.
Talliea shook her head disbelievingly. How? That was her only question. She looked at Arizira' fair skin and her shimmering blue eyes. She studied the pointed ears that had always fascinated her so. Arizira's silvery hair was highlighted with only the faintest traces of golden-blonde. To Talliea, she looked like an Arnira. Completely. Nothing about her appearance would ever suggest that she was one half Esu.