Misconduct (FSCU Pitbulls Book 1)

by Stella Marie Alden

  By lunchtime, I’ve stopped being in denial. By dinner, I’m pissed.

  Me: What the fuck, Ryan? Are we through?

  Around two in the morning, I count my texts to him. There’s over fifty so I delete every one. Delete his number, his email and all his contact information.

  This is just pathetic.

  Taking my pillow into the living room, I watch Netflix until dawn. I’m still there when Star walks in for a change of clothes.

  “Criminy, you look like shit.”

  “Thanks for that.” I blow my sore nose and start to cry again.

  “Ah, hun. Don’t. He’s just going through a lot of stuff.”

  “Did Jackson talk to him? Do you know why he broke up with me?”

  “Ryan isn’t talking to anyone. He’s a machine. If anyone approaches, he curses and walks away. Even coach can’t reach him. I’m sorry, Kira. I’ll keep trying.”

  “Don’t. If he loved me, he wouldn’t put me through this. I think I was just too much for him. He needs some blond bimbo on his arm, not, not…” I can’t finish the sentence.

  I was sure, after the semester, he was going to ask me to marry him. I mean, we are so good together.”

  You were good. Shoulder angel corrects me.

  I wish I hadn’t erased his number because I have a couple texts in mind that would give him a piece of my mind.

  My phone rings and I grab it quick thinking it’s him but it’s Andy Quinn. “How’s the world-famous investigative reporter?”

  “Depends. Is Knight in jail?”

  “He got off on bail but don’t worry. If he comes within ten feet of you, you call me, okay?”

  “Is he back in school?”

  “Until the trial, yeah. But I filed a restraining order.”

  Well, shit. This week keeps getting better and better.

  Not realizing my life is over, my lawyer continues. “I’m keeping a bodyguard on you, just in case. His name is Jack. With him around, Walker won’t dare try anything.”

  “Whoa, do you think he’ll get off?”

  “Even if his parents hire the best lawyer in LA, he’s going to do time. Don’t worry.”

  “Okay. And thanks. As soon as I make some money, I’ll pay your fees.”

  He chuckles. “I get my money from CJ. No worries.”

  “Coach paid?”

  “Yeah. He always takes care of Mel’s girls. That’s what he calls members of her group. Call me if you have any problems what-so-ever. You got my number, right?”

  “Yeah.” When I hang up, I start my homework and study long into the night.

  I wake with my head on the kitchen table, brew coffee then mindlessly attend classes. I’m so fed up by the end of the day, I stomp over to his dorm, past the naked guys, and pound on his door.

  “I know you’re in there, Finnegan.”

  Jackson comes out of his room. “You need to go, Kira, sorry.”

  In front of his whole damn team, I shout. “Fuck you.”

  Chapter 27

  Ryan

  I can’t see her anymore. The best I can do is shut us down, cold turkey. It’s the kindest thing, too. I’ll keep in touch via Jacks and Pinky but that’s as far as I’ll go. As long as she’s doing okay, I’ll get over her eventually… well, maybe someday.

  The fucking problem is I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and football, which I have loved my whole damn life, gives me no joy.

  I deserve the asshat Jeff hires to train me for the Combine. The assistant coach slaps me on the back. “Where the fuck is your head?”

  I grumble out some shit about not getting enough sleep.

  “Ready? Chris takes out his stopwatch, and I kneel and he shouts, “Go!”

  I race down the track and give it everything I got but when I finish, Chris shakes his head. “You need more speed.”

  Shit. “I don’t have any more to give.”

  “Then kiss the Combine goodbye. Better you not attend than give this as your best performance. You’ll be laughed off the screen.”

  He points to the bench and we sit. “What’s eating you? You’ve been off since the championship. If you’re partying, you need to stop.”

  God, how I wish it was so simple.

  “Is it a girl?”

  “Nope. It’s me. I’m tired, that’s all. Burning the candle at both ends trying to finish my degree.”

  “I’m giving you one day to get your shit together. Then, you need to come to the Combine to win, understand? You may be the top pick but if you fuck up under pressure, it will cost you millions, maybe even a seat at the table. Get my drift?”

  I nod. Damn, I’ve worked so hard to get here. Now, it’s a stone’s throw away and I’m not sure I want it. What good are money and fame if I can’t share it with Kira?

  My phone, once filled with her texts, has gone quiet in the last couple days. In the locker room, I meet up with Jackson and ask him the same question I do every day.

  “How is she?”

  “You know what? I’m not fucking telling you anymore, okay? Grow a pair of balls and talk to her. Star says you broke Kira’s heart and she doesn’t even understand what she did. She’s even started to see a therapist, dude.”

  “Shit.” I think back on how my fist hit the table exactly like my dad. What if I’m capable of losing my temper? Hitting her? I’m a big guy. I could mess her up, real bad.

  As I shower, my forehead hits the tiles. A few fucking tears mix with the water so I scrub my face with harsh soap until it stings my eyes.

  I howl at the fierce pain in my chest. Fuck, will it ever go away?

  Wandering back to my dorm, everything reminds me of her, and I consider leaving FSCU for good.

  The guys in the common area give me a wide berth and I don’t blame them. As of late, I haven’t been Mr. Personality. I close the door to my bedroom, crash, and stare at the ceiling where sleep refuses to come.

  By two AM, I get up and take a run. It takes me past her apartment door, I pause with my hand on the doorbell, and press.

  She opens, eyes glaring bullets at me. “What do you want?’

  “I need to talk to you.”

  “No.” She starts to slam the door but I stick my foot in to stop it.

  “Please, Kira. Hear me out.”

  “Fine.” She turns and I follow her into the kitchen.

  “So? What do you want?” She glares bullets at me as she leans against the refrigerator with her arms crossed.

  My heart stops, my mind goes blank, and have no idea what to say. “I miss you.”

  “Great. Thanks for letting me know.” She stands, stomps to the door and opens it. “Please go.”

  I knew she was hurting. What did I expect? “Can I explain?”

  “Go ahead. I don’t see anyone stopping you.” Her heart-shaped chin juts out and her jaw muscles twitch.

  “I fucked up. I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” Her eyes show no hint of letting me off the hook.

  “Pounding my fist on the table.”

  She sinks onto her heels, her brows arched. “Shit. Let me get this straight. You didn’t take my calls for a week and now, you apologize for wounding my furniture?”

  When she puts it like that, I feel lower than slime and shrug. What am I supposed to say? “I said I was sorry.”

  She closes the door, walks to where I stand, and fumes.

  I want things to be back the way they were. I want to tell her I’ve been a fucking mess without her. Instead, I stare at the grass stains on my white Nikes, my throat tight.

  Her hands cup the cheeks I haven’t bothered to shave for days. Chameleon-colored eyes soften as she slips an index finger to catch one of my tears.

  “Are you crying?”

  “No.” I’m no pussy.

  “You didn’t return my calls. I thought you were done. We were done.” Her tears flow freely and despite my resolve, another of my own escapes down my face.

  “We should be.” My voice comes out as a hoarse
whisper as I grab her hands and sink my face into her palms so she can’t see how broken up I am.

  “Why? Is there another woman?”

  “God, no.” I drown in the depth of her beautiful eyes and fight to find oxygen. How can I explain the fear clutching at my gut?

  If it were cancer, I could go for treatment but my illness is not only in my DNA but bred into me from infancy. “If you get too close, I could hurt you. I can’t let that happen.”

  “Could hurt me? Jeesh, Ryan. You told me you loved me and after, shut me out. How could anything hurt more?”

  “Fuck. I don’t mean touchy-feely shit. I mean real hurt. Physical hurt…”

  The moment she picks up what I’m putting down, her eyes go wide and her mouth drops open. “You wanted to hit me?”

  “No, hell no. Shit. I’m not explaining this very well.”

  “Wow. Have you? Ever hurt anyone?” She takes a step back.

  “No.” But I was so damn angry…

  “Maybe you should talk to someone about it.”

  “Like who?” No way I can see a shrink. Paparazzi would eat up shit like that.

  “I guess, start with Coach. He seems like he might know how to deal. Or maybe Jeff can find you someone?”

  “I will. I promise.” I take her hand. “So, can I come in? Are we good?”

  “No, Ryan. We’re definitely not good. You can’t shut me out for over a week and expect things to go back to normal. I was devastated. I’m not even sure how I feel about you anymore.” Sad eyes search mine and all I see is the pain I caused.

  Ah, hell. I blew it. I lost the best thing in my life.

  I swallow hard, not ready to quit. There’s got to be a few seconds left on the clock. Surely, I can get the ball into the end zone.

  “Kira. I will always love you.”

  “I love you, too.” Wet lashes flutter to her cheeks.

  “Don’t give up on me. Please, give me another chance.” Holding my breath, I gently take both her hands.

  Thank fuck. she doesn’t pull away. Instead, beautiful eyes catch the living room light and turn gold as they lift to find mine. My whole future hangs on her next words. How can I go on without her?

  She inhales deeply and hisses air out. “You can never do this again. I want to hear from you every day, no matter how angry, how busy, win or lose.”

  I squeeze her fingers. “I promise.” Of all the things she could’ve demanded, it’s the sweetest and I fall in love with her all over again.

  I want her to ask me in so I can show her how damn sorry I am but don’t want to push my luck. “Can I kiss you good night?”

  She smiles sadly. “Next time, cowboy. Go home.”

  “I’ll text you in the morning.”

  “And I’ll text you back.”

  “I love you.”

  She smiles as she shuts the door. “God help me, I love you too.”

  Back in my dorm, I sleep well for the first time in weeks and the first thing I do when I wake is text.

  Me: Hi.

  Kira: Hi

  Me: Meet me for brkfst?

  Kira: Now?

  Me: 15?

  Kira: k

  Me: <3

  Kira: I <3 U 2

  I take a quick shower, slip on my sweats, and run to the cafeteria where the doors are just opening. Without thinking, I kiss her on the lips. Her brows raise and she smiles.

  Progress.

  “I only have a few minutes. I got practice.”

  “I thought football season is over.”

  “For those not going pro, it is. For me, training gets harder. The Combine is at the end of February and I got to look good.” I grab a tray and load up my plate with eggs and toast while she grabs a bowl and plops in some oatmeal.

  Once we have our coffee, we sit together across from each other. I wish, instead, I had woken up in her bed and had breakfast in her apartment.

  “I guess I won’t be seeing too much of you?”

  “Every night, if you want.”

  She smiles. “Stop by, tonight, when you’re finished. We’ll talk.”

  I wolf down my breakfast, gulp my coffee, and excuse myself. After, I lean over and kiss her cheek. “Damn, I missed you.”

  She blushes. “Me too. But we need to talk, Ry, I mean it.”

  Practice goes much better, classes suck, then I’m back on the field until nine. Having missed dinner, I eat the peanut-butter-banana sandwich I made at lunch and make my way to her apartment.

  When I knock, I sniff my underarms. God, I didn’t take time to shower. She’ll probably want to talk outside.

  She opens the door, the black centers of her eyes widen, and her nostrils flare. I’m not quite sure how to react to the deer-in-the-headlights thing she has going on. She made it very clear I’m supposed to behave but my cock has come to a completely different conclusion.

  “Ah, how about we sit on the steps?”

  She inhales deeply. “I like the way you smell.”

  Fuck me. She’s killing me but I promised myself I would answer all her questions before having sex again.

  “I thought we were going to talk?” My stomach grumbles and always attuned to my needs, she jumps up.

  “Just a sec.” She returns with cold chicken and potato salad on a paper plate, along with two beers.

  After we clink bottles, she sighs. “I’m not sure if we’re right for each other.”

  Chapter 28

  Kira

  “I thought you said you loved me.” He looks like a kid who lost his best friend but I need to be strong.

  “I do love you. But think, Ryan. You’re heading off to the NFL. I’ve checked online. Holy shit. You’re probably top draft. You need to focus on your career and I need to graduate.”

  “And you think I can’t do both?”

  “I think, having an investigative journalist for a girlfriend, might not be good for you.”

  “How about you let me worry?”

  A shadow appears from behind a tree and Ryan tenses. “Who’s he?”

  “Bodyguard.” I wave him over. “Hey Jack, meet my boyfriend, Ryan.”

  They size each other up as they shake hands and Jack nods. “Nice game.”

  “Thanks. How long you staying?”

  “Not sure. Until graduation, probably. Is that a problem?”

  “Actually. No sir. Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me, thank CJ. I used to work for him when he played for the Giants. Took me out of a bad place. I figure I owe him.”

  I make a mental note to call Coach. “What about Walker, has he been around?”

  “Nope. The threat of jail time may have turned him around.” He clears his throat. “I’ll let you two get back to… whatever.” He walks back into the shadows.

  “Good guy. I’m glad someone is watching over you.”

  “It was my lawyer. Part of our agreement.”

  “I wish you had let me know. When you left our bed, lied to me, and met a man, I lost it. You were still wet from me being inside you.” The betrayal floods into my veins and it fucking stings like a motherfucker.

  She puts a hand on my knee. “I understand. That’s why I thought we should talk. You were right to get angry, maybe even to hit my table, but not to give me the silent treatment.”

  “You think that’s why I ran out?”

  “What else is there?” Shaking, I lift my eyes and try to read his mind.

  Whatever demons live there, they’re buried deep.

  He stands and looks out to the street, where Jack gets into his SUV. The door slams, the crickets stop chirping, and silence fills the night.

  “Christmas.” Moving away from the streetlights, his dark face turns to me.

  “Yeah. How could I forget? I ruined it.” I sigh.

  “No babe, do you remember why we left?” He sits close and it dawns on me.

  “Your dad? He hit the table like you did?”

  He nods and I try to lighten the mood. “That’s your deep, dar
k secret? You hate tables?”

  Ryan doesn’t crack a smile. If anything, his brows furrow deeper. “Did you see my mom? How she reacted?”

  I try recall, to go back in time. “No, I was so focused on your dad…”

  “She covered her face with her arms, like this.” He mimics a classic defensive move.

  Oh shit. Finally, I understand. “Your dad hits her.”

  “Yeah. He promised me it ended but when I saw her, I knew it wasn’t true. I texted my brother and although he hasn’t seen any bruises, he thinks the same.”

  Sitting, he puts his head to his knees. “I was so, so angry the other night.”

  “But you didn’t hit me, Ryan. I don’t understand. Did you want to?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “So, you’re not your dad.”

  “I researched it, Kira. Guys raised in houses like mine, go on to do the same thing and I’m a big man. I could do some real damage.”

  I intertwine my fingers with his realizing his pain goes so far back, he may not be able to overcome it without help.

  I kiss his knuckles, stand, and pull him up the stairs. Then, I lead him into the bedroom. We both have so much baggage, I have no idea how we’ll make this work. Maybe, just one kiss at a time is the best we can do.

  “Are your roommates home now?” The centers of his hazel eyes darken.

  “Both are out with their boyfriends. We have the place to ourselves.”

  “I need a shower first. Join me?”

  Thoughts of soaping his beautiful body come to mind and I smile. “Sure.”

  I follow him into the bathroom and gasp when he tosses off his t-shirt. I moan when he steps out of his sweats and almost orgasm when he drags his white jockeys down and frees his thick cock.

  “I’ve missed you, darlin’.” His cowboy twang nearly knocks me onto my ass.

  I swallow hard, so turned on, I can’t even speak. Then, he ducks into my apartment-sized shower stall. While plenty big for me, he can barely move his elbows.

  “Let me help.” Giggling nervously, I reach around his waist, he lifts his arms, and I turn on the water.

  “Whoa!” He jumps at the burst of cold water.

  I wait until it warms before stepping in behind him. Once I fold the door closed, he ducks, and I get a face full of spray. He grins, turns, and with his cock near my butt crack, reaches for the body gel.