by Hamel, B. B.
Well, I don’t have much choice. I can either spend my time like a normal human, thinking and feeling things, or I can survive this internship with all thoughts and feelings solidly numbed and turned off.
So I choose the latter, enter zombie-mode, and get through the days.
It’s a little over a month before I notice something’s off.
At first, it’s just a little whisper in the back of my head. Something’s missing, something’s not quite right. But since I don’t have the brainpower to devote to thinking about anything other than the hospital, those thoughts go completely ignored.
For about two more weeks. And then it hits me, all at once, sitting alone in my apartment at seven at night after two night shifts in a row: I didn’t get my period this month.
I feel totally blindsided, and it’s like waking up from a really long, really detailed dream. I’m sudden on my couch and intensely aware, I mean really, incredibly aware of my own body.
And aware of the fact that it’s not doing something it’s supposed to.
I have to go back and do the math before I realize how late I am. And when I’m finished going through it, over and over again in my head, I’m practically shaking.
This is maybe the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
I get up and head right to the nearest pharmacy. I buy the tests in a total daze, head spinning, mind reeling. For the first time in what feels like a really long time, I’m not thinking about work or medical texts or patients. I’m thinking about myself and my own life.
I get back home, open the first box, and proceed to take like five pregnancy tests back to back.
And each one says the same thing.
Pregnant.
I stare at them, still shaking, fear and horror running through me.
Gavin’s the last guy I slept with. Before him, it’d been a while. There’s no way I got pregnant by anyone else. It has to be his baby, and that’s by far the most frightening part of all this.
I’m pregnant with Gavin’s baby and I think he’s going to kill me.
I sit on my bathroom floor for an hour, staring at the tests, trying to reason it out. I keep thinking, I can just hide it. I can have the baby at home, plenty of people do it. I can put the baby up for adoption. He’d never know, right?
Except that’s stupid and insane.
A million thoughts run through my mind, but I know one thing: I have to keep the baby. I respect anyone’s right to choose, and ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always known that I’d choose to keep my baby no matter what. Now, faced with the actual decision, I realize that I’m not going to change my mind.
Which makes things so incredibly difficult.
I finally work up the nerve to call Gavin around eleven that night. I don’t know if he’s still awake or what he’s going to say but I can’t help myself. I have to talk to him, to tell him what’s happening, and I have to pray that I’ll survive.
But of course, I pace around my apartment for another half hour, wondering if I can even pick up the phone. I have no clue what he’ll say or what he’ll do and oh, god, this could ruin my career. It could ruin both of our careers.
I’m terrified, but I know I have to do it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Gavin this past month, it’s that there’s nothing I can’t survive and get past. Nothing is too bad, nothing is impossible.
I take a sharp breath and dial his number. It rings and rings and just as I’m composing my voicemail message, the phone clicks.
“Yeah?” he grunts.
“Gavin,” I say.
Short pause. “Yeah?” he grunts again.
“It’s Melody.”
“I know.” He sighs. “We have work tomorrow.”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry.” I bite my lip. This isn’t going well already. “Look, I need to talk to you.”
“Oh yeah?” He laughs softly. “This late at night?”
“I know it’s late. I was hoping you could come over though?”
I let it hang in the air between us, my entire body ringing with uncertainty. I can’t do this over the phone, or at least, I know I shouldn’t. It’ll be worse if I act like a total freaking coward, even though I’m pretty sure I am.
“Okay,” he says finally. “I’ll come to your apartment in the middle of the night.”
I clear my throat. “Okay. Good.”
“See you soon.”
There’s a hint of laughter in his voice and I don’t realize why until ten minutes after we’ve hung up the phone.
I’m staring at myself in the mirror, trying to picture the words I’ll use, when it hits me all at once.
He thinks this is a booty call.
Of course he freaking thinks that. I mean, why else would I call him like this, in the middle of the night? He’s not going to assume that I’m calling about some accidental pregnancy.
Oh, god. He’s coming over here because he thinks I want to sleep with him right now.
And yet he’s still coming.
The thought sends a sudden shocking thrill through my body. I’ve been asleep for the past month, dragging through the days, but suddenly I’m very much awake. Between the pregnancy, my fear, and my sudden desire, it’s like I’m high on something. I’m spinning, heart beating, and I don’t know what I’m doing with myself.
But I run into my room and I get changed. I put on something cute, but still casual. Simple underwear, all black. A t-shirt that’s cut just low enough to show a little bit of my breasts. And a pair of tight yoga pants, the ones that make my ass look great.
As I shuffle into the pants, I stare at myself in the mirror again. I’m putting on sex clothes, preparing myself to see this guy, when I’m pregnant with his baby. It’s stupid but apparently, I can’t help myself.
But no, no, I’m telling him first. If he wants to sleep with me after, well, I can’t help that. I might even go for it. So it’d be stupid to ruin that possibility by wearing ugly clothes, right?
I’m such a freaking psycho.
He shows up a few minutes later. There’s a knock at my door and I’m vibrating with nervous energy. I can’t tell if I’m going to fuck him or if I’m going to run away from him screaming, and I guess it doesn’t matter, because he’s here.
I answer the door. Gavin smiles at me, crossing his arms, head tilted casually. I can see his muscles through his short sleeve shirt, his ripped chest, his huge arms. I stare into his pretty eyes and god, I can’t help but remember the last time we were together.
“I was wondering when you’d call,” he says softly. “I figured it would be sooner.”
“Oh… yeah?” I smile a little, losing it completely.
“Yeah.” He walks into my apartment and I shut the door behind him. “It’s been a tough month. I thought you might need some help getting rid of the stress.”
“Yeah,” I say softly.
“I know I’ve been putting you guys through a lot. But if it helps, you’re all doing really well.”
“Yeah?”
He laughs softly. “Can you say anything else?”
“Yeah,” I answer and laugh. “I can.”
“There we go.” He steps closer to me.
I blink and I can hear the words in my throat. I can hear them, practically feel them in my chest. All I have to do is say them out loud, let them bubble up, leave my lips. All I have to do is speak the words and tell him the truth.
“I’ve been particularly hard on you,” he says softly. “Did you know that?”
“No,” I say. “Why?”
“You know why.” He steps closer to me, head tilted. “It’s obvious.”
“What… because of this?”
“No,” he says. “I wouldn’t punish you just because I want to fuck you.”
A shiver of pleasure runs down my spine. “Then why would you punish me at all?”
“It’s because you could be the best one in the group,” he says, practically a whisper now. “But you need to get har
der first. If you’re going to really last, you need to get tougher.”
“I think I’m tough enough.” I glare at him, feeling a little anger in my chest.
“You think so?” He laughs. “You’ve got anger, I’ll give you that.”
“What do you know?” I snap at him. “The shit we’ve been doing. You never had to do it.”
He barks a short laugh. “I’ve done it all and more. I put myself through it early on, and I do it with you guys every single year. You think you’re the only one pulling multiple night shifts in a row? I’m right there next to you, sweetheart.”
I glare at him, up into his sexy eyes. He’s a gorgeous bastard, a know-it-all doctor, one of the sexiest men I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’m pregnant with his baby.
I almost say it. It’s on the tip of my tongue. I want to say it so badly. I want to speak the words, see the reaction in his eyes, see something from him.
But instead, he steps closer, and kisses me.
As soon as his lips touch mine, all of my resolve goes flooding away. I know I’m not telling him shit tonight.
I throw myself against him. All the anger, the confusion, the stress, the awful late nights, the wrong answers, the exhaustion, it all gets channeled through my body. And I know I’m going to use it against him.
I push him back and he growls, turning and pushing me back against the door. I gasp as he pins my hands above my head, kissing me hard. “You need to relieve some stress now,” he whispers as he kisses my neck. “I know what you want, Melody.”
I moan as he takes my shirt off, tears off my bra. He’s being tough and I love it. His hand goes to my throat as he pushes me against the wall again, kissing me hard, other hand sliding down the front of my yoga pants to find my dripping slick pussy. I gasp as his fingers touch me and yes, oh, god, yes, I know this is what I needed.
He’s right, he’s always right. He can read me like a book.
His fingers feel incredible as they slide inside of me, slick and perfect, slowly moving up my lips to tease my hard tiny clit. I groan against his lips as he growls, moving back to fuck me with his fingers again.
He grabs my hair with the other hand, gripping it, pulling it back. I gasp and his fingers push deeper and harder. I groan and roll my hips and he bites my lower lip.
“Dirty girl,” he growls, turning me around. I feel him spank my ass before he peels the yoga pants down. I look over my shoulder at him, watching as he almost lovingly takes off my panties next.
He drops to his knees, spreading my ass wide, and licks me top to bottom. I gasp, fingers curling against the door. He licks me, tonguing my ass, moving down to lick my pussy. I roll my hips, biting my lip, trying not to moan too loud but losing that battle with ease.
He stands and spank my ass hard, grabbing my hair. “You need to get worked, girl,” he whispers in my ear. “You need it rough and hard, don’t you? Work some of that stress out.”
“Yes,” I whisper. “Yes, doctor.”
He growls again and pulls me away from the door. He practically pushes me to my knees and takes his pants off, taking his huge cock in his fist, slowly stroking himself.
He tilts my head back and I open my mouth as he slides his massive cock between my lips. I take him with both hands and stroke him as I suck his shaft. He groans and I suck him faster, tongue working around his tip, tasting his skin, his precum, and I love it. I’m shivering with need and everything that’s left unsaid.
I suck him faster, gagging, and he groans his pleasure. I love those groans, the gags, his cock too big for my small mouth but I don’t care, I don’t care about anything. I suck him faster, moaning, one hand between my leg. I tease my own slick pussy, finger up my lips to roll softly against my clit. I keep sucking him, moaning with real pleasure as his cock slides into my throat.
I gag and suck and rub my pussy. “Look at you,” he growls. “You dirty fucking girl. You can’t stop touching your own little pussy. You love choking on this cock, don’t you?”
He grabs my hair, fist tight in it, pushing me down. I suck him, one hand on his shaft, the other between my legs. I moan as I suck him and rub my own pussy. I love it, love the pleasure and the intensity of sucking his big dick. I go faster and I can feel sweat running down my back, but I don’t care.
I taste him and love it. He growls and I know he loves it too.
“Look at you, my big dick in your mouth. Filthy fucking girl. I love when you moan with my cock in your mouth.”
I pull back, gasping for air, stroking with him both hands now. He pulls me to my feet and kisses me as he pushes me over to the couch. He bends me over, putting my knees on the cushions, my elbows on the top of the couch. He grabs my hips and easily slides his cock deep between my legs.
I gasp as he pushes himself in all the way. I forgot how amazing he felt, how big his cock is, how he can easily rip me in two. He growls and slowly strokes in and out, slapping my ass nice and hard. I love the sting of his palm against my perky ass and he starts to fuck me faster, grabbing my hair.
“God, you feel fucking good,” he groans. “Your cunt’s like goddamn honey, wrapped around my big cock. You like having that sunk between your legs?”
“Yes,” I whisper. “God, yes. Fuck me like I deserve it, Gavin.”
“You damn well do fucking deserve it.” He spanks me again, nice and hard this time. I can’t help but gasp. “You deserve every inch of this big, fat cock, you filthy girl.”
He fucks me harder and I’m moving my hips with him, pushing back against him. I can’t help myself, I need it so badly it almost hurts. I need his cock sunk deep between my legs, the way he fucks me hard, the sweat on my skin, all of it. I need the pleasure to forget about all the shitty things.
I know I should stop this but I can’t. I’m way too far in with no end in sight. He fucks me rough, teasing my breasts with his hands, pulling my hair, spanking my ass. I work my hips back against him, loving the feeling of my ass pushing against his body as he thrusts inside of me.
He growls again and pulls back, grabbing my hips and dragging me on top of him. I spread my legs wide and straddle him on the couch, slowly pushing back to glide down his shaft.
“Shit, you’re so wet,” he whispers. “Look at you, slick as fucking hell. I can glide in and out of this cunt with ease.”
“I can’t help it,” I moan, riding him slowly as first, my hands on his muscular shoulders.
“I know you can’t,” he growls. “It’s what you fucking need from me, girl.”
I start to rock faster down his shaft. I’m moaning loudly, biting my lip, letting him plunge his cock deep inside. He kisses me, kisses my chest, my neck, my nipples, teasing me, fucking me. He slaps my ass and gabs my hips and thrusts along with my rhythm to fill me and fuck me and keep me moving faster.
I can barely control myself. I lean forward, arching my back. He slaps my ass and fucks me, running his fingernails down my back before grabbing my hair rough. He thrusts fast and I take him, moaning his name with each bounce of my breasts.
He thrusts hard up inside of me and holds there for a second, making my body quiver with desire. I grind my hips down, feeling him deep inside of me, filling me, spreading me wide. He kisses my lips softly and suddenly stands. I gasp as I’m lifted into the air like I’m nothing.
He growls and throws a blanket from the back of the couch onto the carpet before putting me back down on top of it. He spreads my legs wide and he’s down between them, his mouth and lips sucking my clit. I grab his hair, gasping, my whole body shaking suddenly.
“Fuck, you’re tasty,” he whispers. “Fucking delicious.”
“Ah,” I gasp as he slides two fingers inside and tongues my clit. “Oh, shit. I don’t know how much more I can take.”
“You’re sweating and soaking wet,” he says, some laughter in his tone. “I don’t think it’s much more.”
“Fuck,” I whisper. “God, I could feel you inside of me all night.”
He moves up a
nd kisses me slowly. I can taste my pussy on his lips and I love how dirty it is. “You can, if you want,” he says, and spreads my legs wide again.
I feel him press against me and slide deep. I groan as he fucks me there on the floor, and I’m thankful for the blanket. I don’t have to worry about rugburn while he fucks me rough on the floor.
I take him deep as he grinds his hips against mine. I’m panting, gasping, moaning. I bite his lip and feel his tongue in my mouth and roll my hips and let him fuck me faster. I moan, whispering his name, begging him to keep going, needing it so badly I can barely stand it.
“Don’t stop,” I moan. “Please, Gavin. Please, fuck me, doctor.”
He lets out that growl again. I put my hands on his muscular chest, pressing my breasts together, and I know he likes it. I love the way he looks at me, his eyes lit with desire, an inner fire that makes him go insane. He fucks me faster, cock ripping into my tight pussy and I’m rolling my hips now as he presses close against me.
We’re sweating and he’s fucking me, fast and rough, and I can’t tell where I end and where he starts and I don’t care at all. There’s only the pleasure, the intense thrust of his cock filling me up, fucking me, ripping through me. I gasp and pant and he fucks me, faster and rough, his growls filling my ears, my moans filling the room, and pleasure filling everything else.
“Fuck,” I gasp. “Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Don’t stop, you fucking asshole.”
He roars and fucks me faster. He’s unrelenting, an animal. I take his big cock and I’m so close I can feel it already.
“Come for me, you filthy girl. Come for your fucking man.”
I gasp and moan and my body tenses just before the orgasm rips me into pieces.
I grab his arms and come hard on his big cock. I come so hard I can barely breathe. I can only let out these gasps, these little moans, and he doesn’t slow down. He doesn’t stop. He fucks me rough and deep and makes my orgasm last longer, stretching on for what feels like hours but is probably more like seconds.
He growls as I finish and I feel him coming. He fills me with his hot seed and I roll my hips, panting, gasping, covered in sweat and his cum and feeling so incredibly good I can’t do anything but wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.