3 Breaths

by LK Collins

  Ivy crawls on top of my lap and wraps me in her arms. I hold her, the closeness settling me, and I wonder how she can calm me the way she does. She makes everything so much better. All of the bad shit is gone and it’s just her and I.

  I yawn and it signals that I need to get home. It’s been a long day, after an even longer weekend. “I’m gonna get going.”

  “Why?” she asks, confused.

  “’Cause it’s late and I am tired as hell. I need to get some sleep.” She nods quickly, like I’ve caught her off guard. “So do you.”

  “I know. I just like having you here, that’s all. You can stay the night, if you want.”

  I think about her suggestion and don’t know if I can handle sleeping in the same house as her. My cock is already on edge from touching and kissing her. It’ll probably come if she looks in its direction again. “Stay,” she whispers, kissing my neck and along my jaw. Being like this with her is something that I am not used to. And guilt still surges in me, insisting that I must be betraying Zoë with every touch. But Zoë is gone, and Ivy is right –she would want me to find a way to carry her love and our memories with me as I move forward into who I’m meant to be. And I love the feelings Ivy gives me.

  God, give me the strength to sleep tonight and not fuck the shit out of her all night long.

  “Okay, you talked me into it.” And I’m instantly rewarded with her lips. The affection sends a wake up call to my dick. I battle in my mind to keep it tamed, but as she squirms on top of me, moving her pussy all over me, it’s too late.

  I’ve fought my feelings for her for long enough. We are together right now for a reason and clearly nothing can change that. But I also fear doing more than this will ruin our friendship. “Stop,” I plead as she continues to kiss me.

  “Why?”

  “Because, I—”

  “Doing this won’t change things, I promise.” She reads my mind as she looks me in the eye, and as much as my body is telling me to fuck her over and over again, my brain is screaming at me not to. Her warmth on top of me is something that I need right now, but not at the risk of losing her.

  I can see the pain in Ivy’s face as she lies next to me. It kills me that I did this to her, but something wouldn’t let me move forward last night and love her the way that she deserves. Staring up at the stark white ceiling, I wonder if we had fucked, would things be just as awkward?

  Scooting closer to Ivy, I pull her body against mine, but she stiffens—the affection from yesterday has vanished. Like everything else in my life, I’ve fucked this up too. “I’m sorry,” I tell her, like an apology is really going to make a difference. It’s a little too late for that now.

  “Me too,” she says.

  Holding her in my arms feels so right; that’s how I know that I did what I had to. I need her, this connection. I can’t be without it.

  “Is it because I’m not Zoë?” she asks me. Her question immediately catches me off guard.

  What the fuck is going through her mind?

  “God, no, Ivy. Why would you ask me that?”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  Letting out a deep sigh, I contemplate how to answer this. “In a way, it is because you aren’t her. You’re the exact opposite. Yes, we’ve bonded over losing her, but when I am with you, it’s one of the only times that my mind is completely clear of the turmoil that I have faced. I don’t want to lose that. This last week apart was horrible. I drank worse than I ever have and I wasn’t myself. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in life, especially since I lost Zoë and I’m scared that if we push things too fast and do something that neither of us can take back or one of us regrets, it’ll be our demise. Then, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

  “So is that what sleeping with me will be, just a regret?”

  Flipping her onto her back, I cradle her face gently in my palms. “A regret is the last thing in this world that you are. You’re the only bit of light that I have left.”

  Scrunching my eyebrows together, I lean down and crash my lips against hers. She accepts my kisses, and yet again the closeness puts my body into overdrive. Everything that has been asleep for so long awakens, Ivy stimulates me on a different level than anyone else. The thought of being with her for the first time has my heart pounding, and I actually feel safe letting my guard down. Reaching under her t-shirt I slide my hand up her hot body and grip hard on her tit, causing her to cry out. She parts her legs and I scoot on top of her. Our tongues are a jumbled mess. Mixing and weaving together, every stroke sends a jolt of ecstasy to the tip of my dick.

  Our bodies line up and I push my hard dick against her. Her wet panties make my cock drip for her. “Is this what you want?” I ask ripping the covers off the bed and looking down at us.

  “Yes.”

  I push her shirt up, letting her flawless tits free, admiring their beauty. Then as I take my lips and wrap them around one of her nipples, she runs her fingernails up my back and I slow down, taking my time teasing her. If we are going to do this, we’re doing it my way. She moans again and I tell her, “Let me hear what I do to you.”

  She whines louder and I pull away, bracing my weight above her. My cock is throbbing for her and I press the head of my shaft against her. “Tell me you want me.”

  “I want you!”

  God, she turns me on.

  Even with some clothing separating us, I know being inside of her will be the best feeling in the entire world. Grinding my dick along her clit I say, “Tell me nothing will change.”

  “You know it won’t.”

  “Tell me!” I growl.

  “Nothing will change, Krane.”

  Moving my body next to hers, I kiss her neck and snake my hand inside of her panties.

  Christ, she’s fucking wet.

  Her smooth pussy excites me. Needing to see it, I remove her underwear and stare down at her soft, white skin. Running my eyes up her body, her t-shirt is pulled above her tits and from there down she is bare. Running my thumb back and forth over her clit, she keeps her eyes on me. Trailing them all over my tattooed body.

  She runs a hand down my side and tugs on my boxers. “Take these off.”

  I don’t like letting go of her, but freeing my cock is invigorating. Sitting up she grabs my dick, stroking it, and by the way she touches me I know this will be an incredible orgasm. I watch her eyes as her lips mold around the end of my shaft and then slowly descend down it. Being in this moment with Ivy makes everything worth it.

  I hold her hair out of the way so I can see her lips, so stretched and moist as she sucks me. Each movement is met with the twist of her grip, and after this, I’ll never have another woman’s lips on me. My balls are tight as I ask her, “Do you want my cum?”

  She pulls away, still stroking me, and I place my hand over hers to cease her movements. She kneels with me on the bed and leans into my neck kissing and sucking a little along the way and says, “In my pussy.”

  “What?” I ask, making sure that I heard her clearly.

  “I want your cum inside my pussy. I’m on birth control, so no condom. I want to feel every bit of you.”

  She takes her shirt off before leaning back. Reaching down with a free hand, she makes large circles over her pussy and I’m doomed. I’ll last about thirty seconds inside of her.

  I grip my dick hard watching her like this. She begins to moan rubbing herself faster and I pull her hand away lining my cock up with her. My breathing is fast and I move slowly as I enter her body. Every inch feels more amazing than I’ve ever imagined.

  Ivy grips the sheets, crying out in enjoyment, and once I am nestled all the way in, I tell her, “Don’t come, whatever you do, don’t come ’til I say so.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I want to enjoy you.” I back out a little and then slam into her.

  “Fuck!” she screams.

  “When you come, I’ll lose it, okay?”

  She nods her head quickly and I hold her face in my hands. Kissing her
tenderly, just like the slow long movements of my dick in and out of her. She feels so fucking good that everything inside of my body almost hurts.

  Her legs are slacked to the sides and I raise myself above her, watching what my cock does to her. Every thrust bounces her perky tits. Her eyes are closed and she moves her hand, getting a hard grip on one of her nipples. “Oh fuck!” I groan as she pinches it hard.

  I can’t watch her like this. Pulling out of her heavenly slit that is fiercely holding me inside of her, I flip her over. Her back is gorgeous as she arches in the sexiest way. She wiggles her ass for me and I grab a handful of it, as I guide myself back into her.

  This angle is so much deeper. Squeezing her hard, I remind myself to let up and take my time. Slowing down to control the urge of coming, she wiggles, meeting my movements and I stay frozen. “Mhhh, that’s it, fuck me,” I order her. Right away she pushes upwards and is screaming on her hands and knees, “Oh my God, Krane!”

  My hands can’t help but roam her body and when she starts to shake a little, like she’s about to come, I hold on to her, ceasing all movement. “Don’t come, not yet.”

  She nods and lies completely still underneath me. Taking both of her hands, I pin them together above her head, and then gradually, I begin to move. With her outstretched body beneath mine and in my full control, I stroke myself just how I want.

  My cum is brewing, from deep inside of me. Every nerve ending is igniting on all cylinders. “Let go,” I order her and wait for her noises to pitch. They do, right as the first shot of cum fills her, unleashing an animal from inside of me.

  I pump myself into her vigorously, fiercely grunting, holding her flat against the mattress loving the way her body comes underneath mine. She rattles and shakes, holding my cock like a vice. Then when the last bit of cum leaves me, I cannot slow my movements, so I release her hands, bracing my weight by her sides and continue to smash into her.

  “Oh, Krane!” she screams reaching for anything to hold on to as I come again, a violent blow filling her. Ivy lets go right along with me. Our bodies working so well together, like they were meant to be one. Both of us experience the world’s greatest pleasure, brought together by the most horrific grief, and for some strange reason we’ve found an acceptance within the boundaries of our relationship. A blessing from Zoë rings in my mind, as her words replay like a broken record, again and again.

  Everything happens for a reason.

  “How long do you typically run for?” Ivy asks me as we stretch at Long Beach before a run.

  “Usually ’til I can’t feel my legs or breathe.”

  “Shut up,” she says and swats me.

  “It’s the truth,” I respond blocking her.

  “I’d like to feel my legs and keep breathing, if that’s okay?”

  “Well, today I would too,” I respond and kiss her on the lips. A gesture that is so new to me, but feels so right.

  “Ready?”

  We head down the beach, the warm sun just greeting the day. I haven’t ever been here this early, but Ivy said we had to see the sunrise. The waves crash along the shore and I look over at her running, and I couldn’t be happier.

  We run for only a few minutes and then she stops and I look at her puzzled. “What?”

  She points to the sun as it crests the horizon. My eyes are drawn to it and I am shocked with how fast it rises. Wrapping an arm around her, I hold Ivy close to me. Breathing in her intoxicating scent. The wind whips her ponytail and I grab it in my hand, holding it in place. I can see the smile on her face as she rests her head on my shoulder.

  The sun comes fully into view and I pull her hair, turning her face towards mine. “Thank you for everything,” I tell her, needing to get that out in the open. She has done so much for me…for us.

  She presses her lips against mine and looks at me with those eyes. The same eyes that made me fuck her yesterday. “Thank you.”

  “Don’t look at me like that.”

  She smirks like she’s doing nothing wrong and goes to run off. I pull her back by the hair and say, “Don’t ever run from me.”

  “I won’t.”

  We continue our run, neither of us saying much, but we both are enjoying being here. In this place, a place that keeps us close to Zoë, the person whom we both love and who ultimately brought us together.

  “Have you thought anymore about when you want to go to the city?” she asks me as we get back to my truck.

  I shake my head, resting my hand on her door handle before I open it. “Never,” I respond. Knowing that going back there is only going to mentally fuck with me and possibly make me question everything that I am doing.

  “Let’s go today?”

  Looking into her eyes, I’m unable to answer. Gently I close her door and walk around to my side. Looking out at the vast ocean on the way, it’s beautiful, and for the first time since I lost Zoë, I don’t say, until tomorrow, beautiful. I’m not sure why the words don’t leave my mouth, but they just don’t feel necessary.

  Leaving here with Ivy is like a part of me has let go of Zoë. And though it should maybe be counterintuitive, I feel her approval. Getting into the truck, Ivy is looking at me concerned and asks, “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Are you serious about going to the city today?”

  “If you’re ready, then I am. I know my sister and can hear what she would tell us to do. Her belongings, as much as they hold memories, they aren’t her. You and I know who she was and we have to remember what she would want. She wouldn’t want this to burden us any longer; she would want us to be happy.”

  “Okay, let’s go then.” Starting up my truck, we head into the city. Ivy is absolutely correct. The apartment holds a lot of memories, but so does my head, and no one can ever take that away from me.

  After an hour of driving, we arrive. Pulling into the garage for the apartment, Ivy is asleep. I put the truck in park and run my knuckles down her cheek. “Wake up, Ivy.”

  She looks around the dark garage and then at me a little confused. “Did I sleep the entire drive?” she asks.

  “Uh huh.”

  Her stomach growls and I stall with proceeding upstairs, using the excuse. Just being back here is fucking hard. “Come on, let’s get you something to eat before we go in.” We get out of the truck and the second that my feet hit the ground, I’m taken back to the day that Zoë and I moved in. She was so happy and excited. Riding up the same elevator to the lobby with Ivy, I can’t help but get lost in my thoughts.

  The doors ding and we exit into the bright and vibrant place that at one time I called home. The familiarity is hard to take in and I grab Ivy’s hand, leading her across the lobby and out the doors. The second that we hit the New York City air, my breath comes back to me.

  “Why the rush?” Ivy asks as I drag her away from the building.

  “Shit, I’m sorry,” I respond and slow down. “I just need to eat.”

  “Okay.” She walks a little faster to keep up with me and then we enter the first café that I see.

  Ivy and I order and then sit outside. As we wait for our food, I’m in a cloud, haunted by so many things from the past. Things that I never thought would come back to me. Like the way the marble flooring in the building reminds me of Zoë and how it made her feel our place was over the top or how the sounds of the sirens in the distance take me back to that night. My mind swirls like a fucking tornado and I’m not sure how to stop it. Looking out at all of the people as they buzz by, Ivy takes my hand and says, “If you aren’t ready to do this, we don’t have to.”

  Looking into her eyes, I appreciate the concern. She reads me well. “I…I didn’t know I was going to feel her so much going back there.”

  Tears fill her eyes and she lets go of my hand. “Don’t do that,” I beg, reaching for her hand. She holds it and as we look into each other’s eyes, I’m reassured that no matter what I have to face in front of me or what obstacles are ahead of me, as long as I have Ivy, I’ll be okay.

>   “Krane, I’m sorry I said we should do this today.”

  “Don’t be. This isn’t your fault, you’re just trying to help. It’s me. I’m all over the place. I need to remember what is real and stay grounded.”

  All I can do right now is to live in the moment. I cannot get ahead of myself, because that just lets things get out of control. Each moment, each breath, each second is all I can focus on moving through.

  “Krane!” my name is called out as Ivy and I leave the café and I look up to see Logan walking towards us.

  “What’s up, man?” he asks energetically.

  “Not much,” I respond, “You remember Ivy.” They shake hands and he looks down at our intertwined fingers, then smiles at me.

  “You doing okay, brother?”

  I nod and it brings him a smile. “Good. Hey, I was just headed to the gym. You should come.”

  “I would, man, but we gotta get—”

  “No, we don’t,” Ivy chimes in and I give her that look. “We can spare an hour.”

  “For real?” Logan shouts like a girl and when I see his excitement, I feel terrible for turning my back on him. He is my best friend. We were together every day, training hard. Sometimes, I thought that he wanted me to make it even more than I did.

  “Sure, man,” I add.

  “The guys are gonna love seeing you.”

  “You training with anyone?” I ask as the three of us start to walk together.

  “Not really. I’ve mainly been helping Ethan.”

  “You?”

  “Nah, you know I wouldn’t do that.”

  As we round the corner, the gym comes into view and it brings a smile to my face. I have so many good memories here. This was my home away from home. This place has made some great fighters and I’m proud to say that I’m one of them.

  “How long did you guys train for?” Ivy asks.