Want & Need

by CJ Laurence

  “Hi,” he said. He looked at ease, the usual cool, calm, and collected man I’d first been so taken with.

  I smiled back but said nothing. He perched on the end of his desk as I took a seat in one of his chairs.

  He scratched his head, his eyes scanning the floor before he finally spoke. “How are you?”

  “Fine, thanks. What do you want?”

  “I wanted to explain my behaviour to you.”

  “I don’t want to hear it.”

  “Please, Kyra. Just listen?”

  I sighed, clicking my tongue as I crossed my arms over my chest. I stared at my shoes, noticing the little scuffs on the sides. I’d have to get some boot polish on them to cover them up. After a minute’s silence, I glanced up at him. “Are you getting on with it or what?”

  He cleared his throat, pursing his lips before speaking. “On the Monday evening when I left here, before I…cut things off between us, I received a phone call.”

  I nodded, remembering that night. He had marched out of the office with an ashen face and his phone stuck to his ear.

  “Well, the purpose for that phone call was my father telling me there was someone of importance waiting to see me at the house.” He faltered before starting his next sentence. “The person who was waiting for me is a good friend of my father’s, and also happens to be in the club.”

  I raised my eyebrows, my mouth running dry at the thought of where this was going.

  “My father called in a favour from him many years ago, for me. As a result, he insists I meet this man every time he comes over to show my gratitude to him.”

  Taking slight relief in the fact he said this was a man, I let out my breath, not realising I’d been holding it until now. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat as he continued.

  “This man, Mr. Peters, has a wife.”

  My heart rate spiked in an instant. A ball of nausea began brewing in my stomach. I closed my eyes, trying to stop the springing of tears. “Please, stop. I get the picture.”

  “Just listen.” He paused, taking a sip of water. I dared to open my eyes, watching his face crease into sadness as he spoke. “Mrs. Peters has quite a liking for me and when she comes over, she requests my…presence.”

  I choked back a sob, realising this was going where I thought it was. “Paul, please…”

  He ignored me. “Mrs. Peters requested me on Monday evening when she arrived at the house—”

  I stood up, my hands shaking. “I don’t need to hear this.”

  He stood up with me, blocking my path to the door. “But I refused.”

  A wave of relief hit me. I sat back down, forcing myself to listen to the rest.

  “My father was not amused in the slightest, nor were Mr. and Mrs. Peters. After much arguing, Mr. Peters announced unless I did as his wife wished, he would find a way to…undo what he’d helped me with years ago.”

  My jaw dropped open. His statement left me speechless.

  “So I had to…go ahead with their wishes.”

  I cringed, squeezing my eyes shut in an attempt to force unwanted images out of my mind.

  “My father knew why I refused Mrs. Peters and was livid. I had no choice but to do what I did to you. My hands were tied from all sides. I did what I thought was best for you.”

  I let out a sob, my chest heaving, and my head reeling with this information overload. He bent down, placing his hands on my arms. I flicked my eyes to his, those beautiful blue eyes sweeping me up in the notion of me and him once more.

  “I’m sorry, Kyra.” He tilted my chin up with a gentle touch. “I couldn’t…be with you after I’d had to do that. I spent two days convincing myself I was doing the right thing. The only way I could make it happen was to be cruel to you. I’m sorry.”

  Hot tears slid down my cheek, the information replaying itself over and over again like a painful roundabout.

  “But that’s what you do,” I said, my voice sounding weak and pathetic. “You go with other people and all of that. I don’t understand.”

  He gave me a wry smile. “Don’t you remember Tessa?”

  I blushed as I let out a half sob, half laugh, nodding.

  “Didn’t you wonder why I didn’t touch her?”

  I thought about the situation again and shook my head.

  “Because I didn’t want to touch anyone else.” He moved his hands to my knees, my skin heating to new degrees under his touch. “I may have said I don’t do relationships, but that was one to me. I wasn’t having sex with anyone else. That was my commitment—I just didn’t want to admit it.”

  My tears sprung free as I attempted a nervous laugh. “What kind of fucked up relationship is that?”

  He gave me a cheeky smile and wiped my tears away. “I’ve not had a relationship for a long time, I’ve told you that before. Give me a break, it’s been a while.”

  I smiled, finding myself silently begging for him to wrap me up in his arms. Why hadn’t he just told me this before? So much heartache, and for what?

  “So what’s the deal with this Mr. Peters? What did he do?”

  His smile faded as he raked a hand through his hair. “Mr. Peters is a judge.”

  “What? Why would you need a favour from a judge?”

  His eyes flitted around the room and he drew in a deep breath. “Remember my ex I told you about? The one who cheated on me?”

  I nodded, dread filtering through me at what was going to be said next.

  “Well, I caught her in bed with my best friend. To cut a long story short, I chased them across a road whereby they were hit by an oncoming lorry. I was up for manslaughter. Mr. Peters made it all go away.”

  My head spinning in a million different directions, I fell against the sturdy back of the chair as I listened to the confession of my boss, my ex-lover, being a killer.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Paul’s entire confession of the events that occurred that day left my mind boggling at his parents’ ridiculous logic.

  The exact details turned out to be rather tragic. Cassie, his ex, had been his first love, hence his strong emotions of finding her with his best friend, Daniel. After running down the street away from Paul, Daniel had turned round to talk to him as they reached the road end. The talk hadn’t gone well, which had resulted in Paul punching Daniel in the face. His sudden hit sent Daniel sprawling back into the road where Cassie ran after him. Unfortunately, in this moment, a lorry came over the slight hill they were on. The driver had no time to brake, his fully loaded truck obliterating both of them in an instant.

  Nightmares haunted him for years, along with the phantom feeling of their matter splattering onto his face as he could do nothing but watch in horror. His parents felt it was jealousy issues that had been the primary cause of the situation. As such, they then demanded he join their lifestyle. Wracked with guilt, he could do nothing but follow their wishes after they made the entire situation disappear.

  As the years passed him by, seeing married couples sharing each other with strangers had left him with little doubt it wasn’t a lifestyle he wanted for himself and a partner. Therefore, he’d kept himself single with the firm belief his jealousy issues were too deep to even start a relationship. The psychological damage his parents had unwittingly caused was unreal.

  I glanced into his captivating eyes, my heart melting already. “So, what are you saying?”

  “I can’t not have you in my life.”

  My heart soared like a helium balloon being left to float sky high.

  “But I can’t offer you what you want.”

  My balloon popped, reality hitting me once again. “Oh.”

  “I can’t give you what you want from a relationship, Kyra. It’s so complicated with my parents…and over my dead body would I let you become a part of that club. I can just about deal with you being with one guy but not…”

  “I get it.”

  He traced a finger down my cheek, sending shivers through me. “You have no idea how bad
ly I want you.” He pressed his lips to mine, and tears sprung from behind my closed eyes. He broke our embrace, cutting through my moment of bliss. “Can you promise me something?”

  I opened my eyes to see his deep blue eyes glazing over with water. “What?”

  “Please don’t make that one guy Scott.”

  “What?”

  “He’s not right for you. You deserve someone good and decent. If I can’t make you happy, then I want to see you with someone who can make you happy. Someone who deserves you and appreciates how special you are.”

  Anger boiled inside me in an instant. “I beg your pardon? So you tell me you want me but can’t give me what I want. Then you demand I don’t be with a guy who can give me what I want and, excuse you, does actually make me happy?”

  “Sorry. I just…I don’t like him.”

  “Well, I do.” I stood up too sharply, the chair falling to the floor behind me. “He’s charming, kind, gentle, and considerate. He makes me laugh and looks after me. He texts me constantly and I like that. He has a lot of qualities you don’t.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yes. Oh.”

  “Does he make you feel raw passion though? Does he make your temperature rise from just a touch?”

  He reached out and touched my arm. My breath hitched as my skin sizzled from his touch. I couldn’t deny Scott didn’t affect me in the same way Paul did, but Scott had qualities Paul didn’t. Why couldn’t I just mix and match their qualities and create my perfect man?

  “Does he turn you on like I did?”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat. “That has nothing to do with you.”

  Images of me and Paul lost in our moments of intense lust and desire flooded my mind, reminding me Scott wasn’t like that. I’d never have the furious, raw passion with him that I’d shared with Paul.

  I broke away from his touch, backing away from the hot tingles he gifted me with. “He’s the complete opposite of you and I like that.”

  “Okay. Whatever makes you happy.”

  ***

  That had all been nearly three weeks ago. It all still replayed over and over in my mind. The knowledge that the man I had so badly wanted also wanted me gnawed at me daily. I found myself back at square one, reminding myself all the time he couldn’t give me what I wanted.

  Scott and I had grown closer over the last few weeks, which had made it easier to bury the thoughts of Paul. Seeing each other every night changed the whole dynamic of our relationship as it started to turn into something more serious. Every Friday, he would send a bunch of beautiful flowers to my office, deep scowls creasing Paul’s handsome face. He tried several times a week to talk me out of my flourishing relationship but always hit the same brick wall. I refused to listen to his guy sense, which told him Scott was bad news.

  Today, however, was Molly’s wedding. I was currently watching her and Chris have their first dance to Savage Garden’s “Truly Madly Deeply.”

  I watched her in my dress, a pang of hurt still churning away inside me. I couldn’t say she didn’t look beautiful, because she did. But the way she went about it all still really hurt.

  Scott rested a hand on my arm, turning my attention to him.

  “How do you feel about stepping this up a notch?”

  “What?”

  “Us. How do you feel about living together?”

  I inhaled at such a rate, I choked. “Are you kidding? We’ve been together, like, two months.”

  “And? What difference does that make? We get on well, don’t we? We see each other every day. It would be no different really except all our stuff would be in one place.”

  I struggled to process his crazy suggestion as I picked through his reasoning.

  “I need to think about it. And where would we live? Your tenants are still in your house until the new year.”

  “Well, we could live at yours until the new year and then see about selling both houses to buy one between us. What do you say?” His chocolate brown eyes danced with hope, fading away my reservations.

  He inched closer to me, dropping his voice to a low whisper. “I’m falling for you.”

  My heart stopped dead at those words. He hadn’t said the ‘L’ word but it was as close to it as it would get.

  I faltered, struggling to form a response. I didn’t know what to respond to, so I answered his question about living together, ignoring his last statement. I could only deal with one thing at a time.

  “Okay.”

  A surreal fog swam over me as I realised I had just agreed to live with someone for the first time.

  When our lips met to seal the deal, I couldn’t believe I was one step closer to my happy ending.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Molly and Chris had a glorious honeymoon booked in the Seychelles for four weeks. Whilst they were away, Scott moved all of his stuff into mine. With his business picking up considerably at the same time, I barely saw him so it really didn’t feel much different than before. In one way I was relieved we weren’t clinging to each other twenty-four seven, but in another way, I often sat at home thinking I should surely see more of someone I lived with than this.

  Paul had not reacted well to the news when I let slip Scott was moving in with me. He again tried in vain to make me see Scott was not for me.

  In the middle of another row of ours, the day before Molly and Chris were due back, he dropped a clanger I didn’t expect from him.

  “He’s cheating on you, Kyra.” The second the words left his mouth he came towards me with his hands reached out. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  I shook my head. “Wow. Even that is a new low for you. What is wrong with you? You told me you couldn’t give me what I wanted, and now I’m with someone else, you’re trying to do everything you can to screw it up. It’s your fault this mess is like this. Deal with it.”

  I trembled with fury and shock at this new depth to his personality I didn’t think existed.

  “I’m sorry, Ky. Please forgive me.”

  I snorted. “I think we should just leave things here. I think for both of our sakes we need to keep this strictly professional.”

  The words stung like a swarm of bees as they left my lips. It was painful enough to have to ignore him physically, but it was a comfort to be able to relax around him and be me. Now I was severing that side too, it was going to be even more painful. And awkward.

  He nodded to me in silence. He didn’t attempt to stop me leaving his office, which further sealed the lid on things. Maybe this was what I had to do in order to focus fully on Scott and me.

  I thought about him constantly, I loved the way he touched me, I loved being with him, I loved the way he treated me. Was this love finally for me, or was it something else that I thought was love?

  I refused to even indulge Paul’s accusation and investigate. I knew for a fact Scott wasn’t and wouldn’t cheat on me. For one, he was far too busy getting his business going, and for two, he was far too attentive to me when we were together for his mind and affections to be shared elsewhere.

  I made the mistake of telling him later that night what Paul accused him of. He was livid. He seethed to himself quietly for the rest of the night, leaving me regretting mentioning anything to him. We went to bed in silence. I knew he’d be upset but I hadn’t quite expected an extreme reaction like this.

  As I sat at my desk the next morning, Scott burst through my office door.

  “Where is he?” His voice came out in a low growl, fury creasing over his face.

  Panic swamped me in a split second. “What are you doing?”

  The last thing I needed was Scott shouting at my boss and finding out we used to…be involved. I hadn’t quite decided yet if it was a good idea to share this piece of information or not.

  “He is here.” Paul’s voice glided across the office. “I know why you’re here. Shall we?”

  Scott marched towards his open door with a thunderous look on his face.

 
; I glared at Paul. “Are you crazy?”

  He gave me a look of sorrow before closing the door, leaving me biting my nails for the next twenty minutes.

  Scott emerged with a relieved look on his face. He gave me a peck on the cheek before saying his goodbyes.

  “Don’t panic,” Paul said, walking over to me when the door closed behind Scott. “He doesn’t know anything about us.”

  “What happened? What took so long?”

  “We talked through some things.” He shrugged his shoulders. “All sorted now. No worries.” He smiled before disappearing back inside his cocoon.

  Later that night, Scott skirted around the issue loosely, pretty much saying the same as what Paul told me earlier. I felt uneasy but breathed a sigh of relief at the two of them smoothing out whatever had been the issue.

  Paul calmed right down after that. He stopped trying to tell me I needed to leave Scott and kept our relationship strictly professional. I respected him for respecting what I asked of him.

  Tonight, though, over a month later, was a works do. It was a Saturday and an anniversary dinner for twenty-five years of the company. Being Halloween tomorrow, the nights were now cold and uninviting.

  In the hotel room, paid for courtesy of the company, Scott slipped his arms around my waist as I finished my look for the evening.

  “You look stunning.”

  His breath tickled my neck and I giggled at his compliment. My peach and white lace dress clung to me like a second skin, sitting just off my shoulders. Long, dark curls tumbled down my back, and I slipped on my nude high heels to complete the look.

  “Thank you.”

  He brushed a finger across my cheek, the sincerity etched into his features sending my pulse through the roof. “I love you.”

  I’d gotten used to him saying those words to me but as of yet, I hadn’t said it back. He knew it freaked me out, but he was okay with it.

  “I love you too.”

  The words tumbled from me before I could even think. Heat flushed my cheeks as both of our eyes widened in shock.

  “I’ve been waiting weeks to hear that.” He graced me with a kiss before leading us downstairs with a beaming smile.