Don’t Ever Wonder

by Darren Coleman

  “Yo, Cory.” Nate nudged me, interrupting. “You all right? You sweating like a dog over there and it ain’t warm in here.”

  He startled me and when I snapped out of my state I realized that I was sweating. I took my palms and wiped my forehead. “Yeah, I’m cool.”

  “Did you talk to Shue?” he asked.

  “No, I tried him but no answer.”

  “Same here. I hit him on the way to the hospital.”

  I nodded as I noticed the doctors approaching us. I thought about my prayer that was interrupted and how I was about to ask God to end Brendan’s life and pain. When the doctors spoke I couldn’t believe what they said.

  His mother almost fainted again, and his father burst into tears. I looked at Nate and then my watch. At six thirty-three on this June morning, after two and a half hours of surgery and three hours in the recovery room, Brendan had come out with flying colors and was out of the coma.

  “Groggy doesn’t quite describe his condition,” one doctor said. “He did manage to ask for two things before drifting off to sleep.”

  “What’s that?” his father asked.

  “He said he wanted some Kool-Aid and does he know someone named Renée?”

  19

  Where Do We Go from Here?

  He thought long and hard about his decision before going through with it. Nate had followed Anita from her home like a bona fide stalker. Once she pulled up to Starbucks he carefully took a spot a few cars down so that he wouldn’t be seen just yet. Instead he waited until she came out with her latte and muffin in hand before walking up to the side of her car. When she saw him, her mouth dropped open, revealing her shock.

  “Nate, what are you…” she muttered.

  He grabbed the handle on the passenger side of her BMW. “Listen, I’m not going to make a scene out here, but you need to speak to me. I have called you repeatedly and you have yet to return my calls.”

  Her face showed shame. “I’m sorry, Nate, it’s just that I felt so bad about what I did with you that night.”

  “I understand, but you still could have been woman enough to give me a call back.” Nate sounded calm and it was hard for her to get a reading on him. “I mean, I felt like we shared more than just sex.” Anita tried to turn away because he was so right. They had connected on a deeper level. She had confided things to him that she had never told her husband. Anita had revealed parts of her past that still haunted and shamed her. As she stared into his eyes across the hood of her car she regretted telling him about the child she’d put up for adoption, and about her four-month stint in a mental ward after being raped by her first husband’s best friend.

  Her husband hadn’t believed her when he’d walked in on the rape. Anita had blanked out during the attack and hadn’t fought to get away, nor had she let out a cry for help. She had been living the fast life then and drugs were a part of the scenario, though she was by no means an addict. She had merely dabbled around with cocaine, since it was readily available in her home. This night, though, her decision to get high at a party had cost her dearly. Her first husband Daniel’s friend, Shane, had sensed her vulnerability the entire evening and the second he had her alone in the basement he had pounced. Shane had sworn that Anita had come on to him. Daniel left her pregnant a month later and unsure of the paternity. She was only twenty when it all happened and most of her ordeal she had gladly forgotten.

  The day Nate had pulled up and saw Anita leaving, she had just a couple hours earlier walked in on Lloyd—the man who had been her savior and protector since the time they’d first met at an AACLU rally, and the founder of The Word Church—with the twenty-one-year-old daughter of the Guatemalan cleaning lady. Although Lloyd hadn’t raped the girl, it later became clear that he had taken advantage of her. The next week when he spoke to Anita, he admitted to paying the girl for sex. The only thing that mattered was that as soon as Anita had seen Lloyd with the girl, thoughts of being raped and feeling defenseless had all come back to her. She had run out of the house and only returned long enough to pack her things.

  It had left her so confused that she couldn’t tell whether she slept with Nate out of anger or if she was truly attracted to him.

  “Nate, I’m sorry…I care about you. Honest, I do, but I just don’t know…” She tried not to look into his eyes, because when she did, she did know the truth. She wanted Nate. It was more than sex. He was the type of man she had always dreamed of having. Just the sound of his voice sent chills down her spine. Before she’d slept with him, Anita had observed him. She often dreamed about what it would be like if she were a single sistah in the church and had laid eyes on him. One thing that she was sure about was that she somehow would have found a way to make him hers. “I can’t leave my husband, Nate.”

  “Why?”

  She paused before coming up with, “It would destroy the congregation.”

  Nate stared at her coldly. His whole life began flashing through his eyes. Only once before had he ever fallen in love. First with Sahleen, and now with Anita. Now for the second time, he likened the feelings that washed over him to being kicked in the teeth. Though he tried to restrain his emotion, he couldn’t. He had exposed himself to Anita that night as well, poured out his soul to her. Shared his regrets, hopes, and even told her how he’d come to make his fortune. Now he shook his head in disgust. Anita was a coward. She was afraid to love him because it was going to cost her and her precious congregation too much pain. Without a second thought he yelled out, “Fuck the congregation and fuck you too. You’ll be sorry.”

  Nate had been pushed over the brink. He had gone through too many ups and downs since Kim’s death. He walked back to his Porsche and climbed in. Anita began to cry and she dropped her coffee to the ground. Nate slammed into reverse, gave her one last look, and pulled off.

  “So what do you mean you can’t see me right now?”

  I repeated myself. “I need some time to get things into perspective.”

  “Nigga, you’ve lost your mind.” Nina was dumbfounded. “So what is it? You just wanted to come back and hit it a few more times, huh. And why the fuck did you have me meet you here? We could have done this bullshit over the phone.” She was referring to Haines Point.

  I had chosen the park hoping that the sunshine and scenery would have an affect on Nina’s response to what I had to say. At the very least I had hoped that we would be able to come to terms without a major scene or hurtful remarks thrown back and forth. “Nina, I just wanted you to understand that this isn’t about you or me not caring about you—”

  She cut me off as she stood up and headed toward her car. I caught her and she stopped short of hitting the alarm. “You know, Cory, I’m not even going to go off out here. I swear I should have expected this from you. You are the most pitiful brother I have ever met. I feel sorry for my sister because she is stuck with you and a baby. Luckily for me, I’m not.” She was poised and pointing her finger at me while she talked. “But guess what, Brotherman, I am so over you and this foolishness. I’m done losing sleep over you. I need a real man. I don’t care how much money he has, ’cause I’m gonna make my own. The only thing I care about is that he won’t be a selfish, immature, lying bastard like you.”

  The insults were starting. “Nina—”

  “No…fuck this, Cory. You think you can jerk people around like this. You are sick. The worst thing about this is that I must be just as bad as you if not worse for allowing this, but no more. I have destroyed a relationship over you and I know that I will always regret it. I am going to apologize to my sister and assure her that I will never so much as acknowledge that you breathe air. I just hope that one day she will forgive me because, looking back at all this, it is so clear to me”—she brushed her hair from her eyes and went on—“being with you was never worth it.”

  That comment cut deep. I didn’t expect it or the way she was attacking my manhood as she was delivering her points. “I’m really sorry.”

  “You’re damned r
ight you’re sorry. The sorriest of the sorry.” She showed anger in her face and a few drops of spit flew from her lips as she proceeded. “I won’t front and say that I don’t love you, that the sex was whack or that you’re not a fine-ass nigga…but the sad thing about that, Cory, is this…even with all you do have going on…you’re still an asshole…a got-damned cancer, destroying everything you touch. If you don’t do anything else with your money, do this—get some professional help and find out why you’re such a loser.” She opened the door to her car and shouted, “Never, ever, call me again. You understand me?”

  I nodded yes. Though I was only hoping for a small break in our romance, some time to think things over, it was clear that she was done with me for good. She was, after all, right. With that she climbed into her car. I heard the radio come on loudly and in the next instant she pulled off and left me there. I sat down on a bench to collect my thoughts. Nina had said so many things about me that were right on point. By the time I climbed into my car I was crumbling inside.

  Two days after Brendan had come out of his coma I still hadn’t been able to contact Renée. On the evening of the third day I found out why. Shue had called me with some news; he had set up Renée’s fiancé, Tamarick. It was almost one o’clock in the morning and Shue had been tucked inside the closet, sitting on the luggage holder. He had the camcorder rolling as he was gathering all the evidence he would need to break Renée’s heart and save her life at the same time.

  It had taken Shue less than a week in Houston to find out where Tamarick’s real estate company was. Shue also took the time to find out which gym he worked out in. Shue had enlisted the help of a friend, Charles, who was a male exotic dancer in Galveston to come to Houston for a few days and pose as a potential client looking for some commercial real estate to open up a day spa. When the dancer walked into Tamarick’s office with a woman he introduced as his partner, he was sure that he’d gotten a certain telling vibe from him.

  Two days later Tamarick didn’t question the coincidence of running into Charles at the gym. Instead he seemed excited. After working out together, Tamarick had taken the bite and agreed to a complimentary massage.

  Shue had spent nearly two thousand dollars putting his scheme together but it had proved to be worth it. He had slid out of the closet with the camera and now had a view of Tamarick enjoying more than a massage. Charles had oiled him up and was having his way with him, all on tape. Once Shue had given the silent thumbs-up to Charles, he took Tamarick into the shower as Shue dipped out of the hotel room with the home video of a lifetime.

  He immediately made a copy of the tape and had Charles deliver it to Renée the first thing the next morning. Charles pretended to be a jilted lover doing the innocent girlfriend a favor and letting her know that her man was a dog and a phony. Shue parked outside Renée’s home all day in his rental with a switchblade. He flinched as he saw her throw what was obviously some nice merchandise into the trash cans outside her place, including sheets and a few suits, which obviously belonged to her soon-to-be ex. He stood just below her window when Tamarick finally came over to talk. Wanting to make sure there was no violence, he stayed there until he saw Tamarick leave an hour later.

  When Tamarick pulled off, Shue did the same, only he headed straight for the airport and home.

  Now Renée walked through the door of Brendan’s hospital room like an angel coming to usher him back to safety. He was improving bit by bit but there was still cause for caution. Somehow, though, when I saw Renée standing there I knew everything would be just fine.

  “Is it time for my shift, doctor?” she asked playfully.

  Checking my watch, I smiled, “You might be late, young lady, but you’re just in time.” I laughed and stood as she approached me for a hug. Her squeeze was so tight that I felt something in it. When we broke free I asked her, “So how is everything?”

  “It’s a long story, but I’m home now. Home for good.”

  “Seriously…but I thought your fiancé…” I played dumb, like I didn’t know the whole sordid story.

  She cut me off and said, “It’s over between him and me and there’s a zero percent chance of us getting back together.”

  “You okay? If there’s anything I can do, please just let me know.”

  “I’m fine, but I really don’t want to talk or think about it for that matter, if it’s all the same to you,” she said.

  “Of course,” I responded as I looked into her eyes.

  Her demeanor showed the obvious. No one ends a relationship, and engagement no doubt, and is fine in the days immediately following. I know that I wasn’t. Not that I was losing any sleep over love, it was more of a haunting feeling. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way I botched both relationships and the hurt I’d caused Shelly and Nina. Nina’s words echoed inside my head on the hour like a news update.

  Though Renée was trying her best to seem like she was cool with her breakup, I decided to keep a close eye on her. Since Shue had been right about him being a down-low brother, then she was better off. And to be honest I had been planning to call her and break the news to her. It had worked out for the best. I decided not to quiz her about it. Instead we talked about Brendan’s condition and the doctors’ prognosis.

  We sat for thirty minutes until he opened his eyes. Renée stood over him and stroked his hair. “Brendan, can you hear me? It’s Renée.”

  His eyes showed that he recognized her. He tried to get words out but she stopped him. “Don’t try to speak. I know, sweetie…I know.”

  I sat back and prepared to leave. It was a beautiful reunion seeing them together, even as friends, and it made my heart feel good. Renée held Brendan’s hand for a few more minutes and he drifted back off to sleep. For the first time in a long time, it seemed like things were getting headed in the right direction. It made me feel even more determined to right my own course. I was thankful and was ready to send up another prayer, this time strictly for thanks, when Trina walked through the door.

  Renée turned to look at her and the two locked eyes for a moment. Then Renée looked down at Trina’s slightly protruding stomach. I saw a momentary look of pain slide over her face before she coolly came up with, “Hello, Trina.”

  “Hey, Renée.”

  It wasn’t that I expected a catfight but they were extremely cordial with one another and I was a little surprised. In the next few moments, I observed and listened as they made small talk. Finally Renée excused herself and I stood to leave with her.

  We said our good-byes and left Brendan with his family.

  20

  Just What I Needed?

  I needed to cleanse my soul and ease the guilt that was crashing down on me. Renée needed to find a way to get comfortable enough to share her pain. She desperately needed a shoulder to cry on, to finally let it all out. Nate for his part had been so off balance in the past couple of weeks that he seemed like an out-of-control aircraft. One moment he’d be distant and out of contact, and the next he’d be zooming in for some camaraderie. I was beginning to think he needed a runway. I wasn’t sure if it was a crash landing or an emergency takeoff that the brother seemed to be seeking, but I had a feeling the night would reveal all.

  All three of us had different motivations, but the end result was that we were all looking to get drunk and forget what was on our minds. It just so happened that one of Nate’s old flames, Tracye, was throwing a party on the Spirit of Baltimore. Her company, IKON Entertainment, was throwing a star-studded event to kick off the summer. Plenty of celebrities were in town for Big Tigger’s annual charity basketball game and she was sure to have quite a few of them on board.

  “You guys have everything you need?” Tracye asked.

  “We’re good for now, thanks, but I may need some of your attention later on,” Nate replied with a smile and a smooth tone that made him sound like the player he once was. I glanced at him quickly, wondering if the old Nate was finally going to show up. We were seated in the VIP sectio
n and we had several bottles of champagne on the table. Two of the bottles were popped and we’d made quick work of them.

  “I’ll be sure to come back and check on you all.” Tracye shot back before she walked away.

  Hiding whatever feelings we were harboring about what was going in our personal lives, we all made one toast after another until the Moët had us acting a little silly. “Here’s to love,” Nate said, raising his glass. “The most overrated thing that a man and a woman can attempt to share.”

  “I’ll drink to that,” I said.

  “Shiiiit, my brother. You ain’t never lie,” Renée answered and threw her glass to her lips. She had just downed her fifth glass.

  I raised mine again. “Here’s to Brendan. I love that dude. I can’t believe he’s gonna be okay…” I paused, feeling a little choked up. “For a while there, it didn’t look good, so here’s to miracles.”

  “God is good,” Nate chimed in and we clanked our flutes together.

  There was more sipping and laughing. Before I knew it Renée made a toast of her own. Her speech was slurred but her point was loud and clear. “Here’s to you sorry-ass Negroes, especially my fuggin’ faggot of a fiancé.”

  When she said that, Nate’s mouth dropped open and I almost spit my champagne out. “What the…” Nate said.

  I kept a straight face except for the exaggerated expressions that hid my knowledge of what had happened. She told the entire story of getting the videotape of Tamarick being ridden like a pony and of him giving better head than she could. Shue’d told me about how he’d gone all-out to set the brother up upon his return from Houston. I was shocked, but I didn’t pretend to be upset. Actually I thought it was a nice gesture on his part. We were all family and if you messed with one of us, then you had to be prepared to take the retribution.