P G Wodehouse - Man Upstairs

by Man Upstairs

  " 'You first,' he says, and flings the cage out of the window. 'Now you,' he says to the yellow dog, putting him out through the door. And then he folds his arms and scowls at us, and we all notice suddenly that he's very big. We looks at one another, and we begins to edge towards the door. All except Jane, who's staring at Jerry as if he's a ghost.

  " 'Mr. Moore,' says Pa Tuxton, dignified, 'we'll leave you You're drunk.'

  " 'I'm not drunk,' says Jerry. 'I'm in love.'

  " 'Jane,' says Pa Tuxton, 'come with me, and leave this ruffian to himself.'

  " 'Jane,' says Jerry, 'stop here, and come and lay your head on my shoulder.'

  " 'Jane,' says Pa Tuxton, 'do you hear me?'

  " 'Jane,' says Jerry, 'I'm waiting.'

  "She looks from one to the other for a spell, and then she moves to where Jerry's standing.

  " 'I'll stop,' she says, sort of quiet.

  "And we drifts out."

  The waiter snorted.

  "I got back home quick as I could," he said, "and relates the proceedings to Gentleman. Gentleman's rattled. 'I don't believe it,' he says. 'Don't stand there and tell me Jerry Moore did them things. Why, it ain't in the man. 'Specially after what I said to him about the way he ought to behave. How could he have done so?' Just then in comes Jerry, beaming all over. 'Boys,' he shouts, 'congratulate me. It's all right. We've fixed it up. She says she hadn't known me properly before. She says she'd always reckoned me a sheep, while all the time I was one of them strong, silent men.' He turns to Gentleman-"

  The man at the other end of the room was calling for his bill.

  "All right, all right," said the waiter. "Coming! He turns to Gentleman," he went on rapidly, "and he says, 'Bailey, I owe it all to you, because if you hadn't told me to insult her folks-' "

  He leaned on the traveller's table and fixed him with an eye that pleaded for sympathy.

  " 'Ow about that?" he said. "Isn't that crisp? 'Insult her folks!' Them was his very words. 'Insult her folks!' "

  The traveller looked at him inquiringly.

  "Can you beat it?" said the waiter.

  "I don't know what you are saying," said the traveller. "If it is important, write on it a slip of paper. I am stone deaf."

  Rough-hew Them How We Will

  Paul boielle was a waiter. The word "waiter" suggests a soft-voiced, deft-handed being, moving swiftly and without noise in an atmosphere of luxury and shaded lamps. At Bredin's Parisian Café and Restaurant in Soho, where Paul worked, there were none of these things; and Paul himself, though he certainly moved swiftly, was by no means noiseless. His progress through the room resembled in almost equal proportions the finish of a Marathon race, the star-act of a professional juggler, and a monologue by an Earl's Court side-showman. Constant acquaintance rendered regular habitués callous to the wonder, but to a stranger the sight of Paul tearing over the difficult between-tables course, his hands loaded with two vast pyramids of dishes, shouting as he went the mystic word, "Comingsarecominginamomentsaresteaksareyessarecomingsare!" was impressive to a degree. For doing far less exacting feats on the stage musichall performers were being paid fifty pounds a week. Paul got eighteen shillings.

  What a blessing is poverty properly considered. If Paul had received more than eighteen shillings a week he would not have lived in an attic. He would have luxuriated in a bed-sitting-room on the second floor; and would consequently have missed what was practically a genuine north light. The skylight which went with the attic was so arranged that the room was a studio in miniature, and, as Paul was engaged in his spare moments in painting a great picture, nothing could have been more fortunate; for Paul, like so many of our public men, lived two lives. Off duty, the sprinting, barking juggler of Bredin's Parisian Café became the quiet follower of Art. Ever since his childhood he had had a passion for drawing and painting. He regretted that Fate had allowed him so little time for such work; but after all, he reflected, all great artists had had their struggles-so why not he? Moreover, they were now nearly at an end. An hour here, an hour there, and every Thursday a whole afternoon, and the great picture was within measurable distance of completion. He had won through. Without models, without leisure, hungry, tired, he had nevertheless triumphed. A few more touches, and the masterpiece would be ready for purchase. And after that all would be plain sailing. Paul could forecast the scene so exactly. The picture would be at the dealer's, possibly-one must not be too sanguine-thrust away in some odd corner. The wealthy connoisseur would come in. At first he would not see the masterpiece; other more prominently displayed works would catch his eye. He would turn from them in weary scorn, and then!...Paul wondered how big the cheque would be.

  There were reasons why he wanted money. Looking at him as he cantered over the linoleum at Bredin's, you would have said that his mind was on his work. But it was not so. He took and executed orders as automatically as the penny-in-the-slot musical-box in the corner took pennies and produced tunes. His thoughts were of Jeanne Le Brocq, his co-worker at Bredin's, and a little cigar shop down Brixton way which he knew was in the market at a reasonable rate. To marry the former and own the latter was Paul's idea of the earthly paradise, and it was the wealthy connoisseur, and he alone, who could open the gates.

  Jeanne was a large, slow-moving Norman girl, stolidly handsome. One could picture her in a De Maupassant farmyard. In the clatter and bustle of Bredin's Parisian Café she appeared out of place, like a cow in a boiler-factory. To Paul, who worshipped her with all the fervour of a little man for a large woman, her deliberate methods seemed all that was beautiful and dignified. To his mind she lent a tone to the vulgar whirlpool of gorging humanity, as if she had been some goddess mixing in a Homeric battle. The whirlpool had other views-and expressed them. One coarse-fibred brute, indeed, once went so far as to address to her the frightful words, " 'Urry up, there, Tottie! Look slippy." It was wrong, of course, for Paul to slip and spill an order of scrambled eggs down the brute's coat-sleeve, but who can blame him?

  Among those who did not always see eye to eye with Paul in his views on deportment in waitresses was M. Bredin himself, the owner of the Parisian Café; and it was this circumstance which first gave Paul the opportunity of declaring the passion which was gnawing him with the fierce fury of a Bredin customer gnawing a tough steak against time during the rush hour. He had long worshipped her from afar, but nothing more intimate than a "Good-morning, Miss Jeanne," had escaped him, till one day during a slack spell he came upon her in the little passage leading to the kitchen, her face hidden in her apron, her back jerking with sobs.

  Business is business. Paul had a message to deliver to the cook respecting "two fried, coffee, and one stale." He delivered it and returned. Jeanne was still sobbing.

  "Ah, Miss Jeanne," cried Paul, stricken, "what is the matter? What is it? Why do you weep?"

  "The patron," sobbed Jeanne. "He-"

  "My angel," said Paul, "he is a pig."

  This was perfectly true. No conscientious judge of character could have denied that Paul had hit the bull's eye. Bredin was a pig. He looked like a pig; he ate like a pig; he grunted like a pig. He had the lavish embonpoint of a pig. Also a porcine soul. If you had tied a bit of blue ribbon round his neck you could have won prizes with him at a show.

  Paul's eyes flashed with fury. "I will slap him in the eye," he roared.

  "He called me a tortoise."

  "And kick him in the stomach," added Paul.

  Jeanne's sobs were running on second speed now. The anguish was diminishing. Paul took advantage of the improved conditions to slide an arm part of the way round her waist. In two minutes he had said as much as the ordinary man could have worked off in ten. All good stuff, too. No padding.

  Jeanne's face rose from her apron like a full moon. She was too astounded to be angry.

  Paul continued to babble. Jeanne looked at him with growing wrath. That she, who received daily the affectionate badinage of gentlemen in bowler hats and check suits, who had once been
invited to the White City by a solicitor's clerk, should be addressed in this way by a waiter! It was too much. She threw off his hand.

  "Wretched little man!" she cried, stamping angrily.

  "My angel!" protested Paul.

  Jeanne uttered a scornful laugh.

  "You!" she said.

  There are few more withering remarks than "You!" spoken in a certain way. Jeanne spoke it in just that way.

  Paul wilted.

  "On eighteen shillings a week," went on Jeanne, satirically, "you would support a wife, yes? Why-"

  Paul recovered himself. He had an opening now, and proceeded to use it.

  "Listen," he said. "At present, yes, it is true, I earn but eighteen shillings a week, but it will not always be so, no. I am not only a waiter. I am also an artist. I have painted a great picture. For a whole year I have worked, and now it is ready. I will sell it, and then, my angel-?"

  Jeanne's face had lost some of its scorn. She was listening with some respect. "A picture?" she said, thoughtfully. "There is money in pictures."

  For the first time Paul was glad that his arm was no longer round her waist. To do justice to the great work he needed both hands for purposes of gesticulation.

  "There is money in this picture," he said. "Oh, it is beautiful. I call it 'The Awakening.' It is a woodland scene. I come back from my work here, hot and tired, and a mere glance at that wood refreshes me. It is so cool, so green. The sun filters in golden splashes through the foliage. On a mossy bank, between two trees, lies a beautiful girl asleep. Above her, bending fondly over her, just about to kiss that flower- like face, is a young man in the dress of a shepherd. At the last moment he has looked over his shoulder to make sure that there is nobody near to see. He is wearing an expression so happy, so proud, that one's heart goes out to him."

  "Yes, there might be money in that," said Jeanne.

  "There is, there is!" cried Paul. "I shall sell it for many francs to a wealthy connoisseur. And then, my angel-"

  "You are a good little man," said the angel, patronisingly. "Perhaps. We will see."

  Paul caught her hand and kissed it. She smiled indulgently.

  "Yes," she said. "There might be money. These English pay much money for pictures."

  It is pretty generally admitted that Geoffrey Chaucer, the eminent poet of the fourteenth century, though obsessed with an almost Rooseveltian passion for the new spelling, was there with the goods when it came to profundity of thought. It was Chaucer who wrote the lines:-

  The lyfe so short, the craft so long to lerne,

  Th' assay so hard, so sharpe the conquering.

  Which means, broadly, that it is difficult to paint a picture, but a great deal more difficult to sell it.

  Across the centuries Paul Boielle shook hands with Geoffrey Chaucer. "So sharpe the conquering" put his case in a nutshell.

  The full story of his wanderings with the masterpiece would read like an Odyssey and be about as long. It shall be condensed.

  There was an artist who dines at intervals at Bredin's Parisian Café, and, as the artistic temperament was too impatient to be suited by Jeanne's leisurely methods, it had fallen to Paul to wait upon him. It was to this expert that Paul, emboldened by the geniality of the artist's manner, went for information. How did monsieur sell his pictures? Monsieur said he didn't, except once in a blue moon. But when he did? Oh, he took the thing to the dealers. Paul thanked him. A friend of his, he explained, had painted a picture and wished to sell it.

  "Poor devil!" was the artist's comment.

  Next day, it happening to be a Thursday, Paul started on his travels. He started buoyantly, but by evening he was as a punctured balloon. Every dealer had the same remark to make-to wit, no room.

  "Have you yet sold the picture?" inquired Jeanne, when they met.

  "Not yet," said Paul. "But they are delicate matters, these negotiations. I use finesse. I proceed with caution."

  He approached the artist again.

  "With the dealers," he said, "my friend has been a little unfortunate. They say they have no room."

  "I know," said the artist, nodding.

  "Is there, perhaps, another way?"

  "What sort of a picture is it?" inquired the artist.

  Paul became enthusiastic.

  "Ah! monsieur, it is beautiful. It is a woodland scene. A beautiful girl-"

  "Oh! Then he had better try the magazines. They might use it for a cover."

  Paul thanked him effusively. On the following Thursday he visited divers art editors. The art editors seemed to be in the same unhappy condition as the dealers. "Overstocked!" was their cry.

  "The picture?" said Jeanne, on the Friday morning. "Is it sold?"

  "Not yet," said Paul, "but-"

  "Always but!"

  "My angel!"

  "Bah!" said Jeanne, with a toss of her large but shapely head.

  By the end of the month Paul was fighting in the last ditch, wandering disconsolately among those who dwell in outer darkness and have grimy thumbs. Seven of these in all he visited on that black Thursday, and each of the seven rubbed the surface of the painting with a grimy thumb, snorted, and dismissed him. Sick and beaten, Paul took the masterpiece back to his skylight room.

  All that night he lay awake, thinking. It was a weary bundle of nerves that came to the Parisian Café next morning. He was late in arriving, which was good in that it delayed the inevitable question as to the fate of the picture, but bad in every other respect. M. Bredin, squatting behind the cashdesk, grunted fiercely at him; and, worse, Jeanne, who, owing to his absence, had had to be busier than suited her disposition, was distant and haughty. A murky gloom settled upon Paul.

  Now it so happened that M. Bredin, when things went well with him, was wont to be filled with a ponderous amiability. It was not often that this took a practical form, though it is on record that in an exuberant moment he once gave a small boy a halfpenny. More frequently it merely led him to soften the porcine austerity of his demeanour. To-day, business having been uncommonly good, he felt pleased with the world. He had left his cash-desk and was assailing a bowl of soup at one of the side-tables. Except for a belated luncher at the end of the room the place was empty. It was one of the hours when there was a lull in the proceedings at the Parisian Café. Paul was leaning, wrapped in gloom, against the wall. Jeanne was waiting on the proprietor.

  M. Bredin finished his meal and rose. He felt content. All was well with the world. As he lumbered to his desk he passed Jeanne. He stopped. He wheezed a compliment. Then another. Paul, from his place by the wall, watched with jealous fury.

  M. Bredin cnucked Jeanne under the chin.

  As he did so, the belated luncher called "Waiter!" but Paul was otherwise engaged. His entire nervous system seemed to have been stirred up with a pole. With a hoarse cry he dashed forward. He would destroy this pig who chucked his Jeanne under the chin.

  The first intimation M. Bredin had of the declaration of war was the impact of a French roll on his ear. It was one of those nobbly, chunky rolls with sharp corners, almost as deadly as a piece of shrapnel. M. Bredin was incapable of jumping, but he uttered a howl and his vast body quivered like a stricken jelly.

  A second roll, whizzing by, slapped against the wall. A moment later a cream-bun burst in sticky ruin on the proprietor's left eye.

  The belated luncher had been anxious to pay his bill and go, but he came swiftly to the conclusion that this was worth stopping on for. He leaned back in his chair and watched. M. Bredin had entrenched himself behind the cash-desk, peering nervously at Paul through the cream, and Paul, pouring forth abuse in his native tongue, was brandishing a chocolate éclair. The situation looked good to the spectator.

  It was spoiled by Jeanne, who seized Paul by the arm and shook him, adding her own voice to the babel. It was enough. The éclair fell to the floor. Paul's voice died away. His face took on again its crushed, hunted expression. The voice of M. Bredin, freed from competition, rose shrill and wrath
ful.

  "The marksman is getting sacked," mused the onlooker, diagnosing the situation.

  He was right. The next moment Paul, limp and depressed, had retired to the kitchen passage, discharged. It was here, after a few minutes, that Jeanne found him.

  "Fool! Idiot! Imbecile!" said Jeanne.

  Paul stared at her without speaking.

  "To throw rolls at the patron. Imbecile!"

  "He-" began Paul.

  "Bah! And what if he did? Must you then attack him like a mad dog? What is it to you?"

  Paul was conscious of a dull longing for sympathy, a monstrous sense of oppression. Everything was going wrong. Surely Jeanne must be touched by his heroism? But no. She was scolding furiously. Suppose Andromeda had turned and scolded Perseus after he had slain the sea-monster! Paul mopped his forehead with his napkin. The bottom had dropped out of his world.

  "Jeanne!"

  "Bah! Do not talk to me, idiot of a little man. Almost you lost me my place also. The patron was in two minds. But I coaxed him. A fine thing that would have been, to lose my good place through your foolishness. To throw rolls. My goodness!"

  She swept back into the room again, leaving Paul still standing by the Litchen door. Something seemed to have snapped inside him. How long he stood there he did not know, but presently from the dining- room came calls of "Waiter!" and automatically he fell once more into his work, as an actor takes up his part. A stranger would have noticed nothing remarkable in him. He bustled to and fro with undiminished energy.

  At the end of the day M. Bredin paid him his eighteen shillings with a grunt, and Paul walked out of the restaurant a masterless man.

  He went to his attic and sat down on the bed. Propped up against the wall was the picture. He looked at it with unseeing eyes. He stared dully before him.

  Then thoughts came to him with a rush, leaping and dancing in his mind like imps in Hades. He had a curious sense of detachment. He seemed to be watching himself from a great distance.

  This was the end. The little imps danced and leaped; and then one separated itself from the crowd, to grow bigger than the rest, to pirouette more energetically. He rose. His mind was made up. He would kill himself.