I don’t want to go deeper into beautiful nature. I tell him that. I tell him that I want to go back home. But he wants me to trust him. He knows what he is doing. I trust him. But still, I feel like I’m walking towards my nightmare. Again.
The delightful breeze makes me shiver with dread this time around as we pass the same stunning turquoise-blue river that swerves its way through the rocks and dense foliage of the woods.
And as we walk a couple of steps further and reach an open space, my feet come to a dead stop.
“Is this the place?” Devon asks, reading the look on my face.
“Yes…” I let out a shaky whisper. “This is the place…”
There is no endless graveyard this time though. It’s still the beautiful nature spread out before me. But I cannot forget the details in my nightmare: the tall dark looming headstones, the cold and sinister air that wanted to strangle me, my father’s emotionless words, or the memory of those huge stone walls closing in on me. Everything is still so vivid in my mind’s eye. It’s almost like if I take one more step, it’s gonna become real.
“D-Don’t leave me alone here, Devon…please.” I choke in fear as I hide behind his back.
Devon swings around. “We have to go over there and stand right in that center.” He points precisely at the spot where the stone walls had succeeded to capture me.
“No!” I stare at him in horror as my throat runs dry.
“Eleanor, please,” Devon is determined. “Let me do this for you.”
I see the intense earnestness in his eyes that takes my breath away but rescues my sinking heart too.
I nod very slowly to oblige. Devon holds my hand and leads me to the center of the open space in the woods. He then turns around and leaves me startled when he gets down on one knee and looks up at me with devotion and honesty in his sea blue eyes.
“Eleanor, I’ll never leave you,” he says with conviction. “Have heard people say that talent cannot be taught, that it’s natural and inborn. But then you taught me to live. Ever since I met you, I haven’t felt like a homeless wanderer anymore. Because you have since then become the abode for my passion, my insanity, and also for my wrecked soul. You don’t need me to protect you, no. You can win your own battles and also inspire me to win mine. You can be both vulnerable and strong whenever you want to. But still, I don’t think you’re perfect. It’s your flaws that make you a far better person than perfection ever could. You can tell my story better than me. For all these reasons and many more, you are my knight in shining armor. And that’s why I love you, Eleanor.”
Tears flood my eyes as I feel my heart swell in happiness for the first time in my life. I never knew that my tears could become so precious to me. I never knew I could feel heavenly bliss in the very same place that haunted me to no end. Devon has crushed my biggest nightmare by giving me this beautiful reality with his sincerity. And I can never thank him enough for that.
I have Devon stand back on his feet and throw my hands around him for a tight hug.
“I love you too, Devon,” I whisper against his shoulder, my eyes still moist with joy. “And thank you so much for doing this.”
“Thank you for trusting me,” he responds enveloping me in his cozy arms.
I wish it were my birthday today. This would have been the best birthday gift ever, and nothing in the world could’ve compared to it.
Devon tilts his head a little and captures my lips for a kiss as we stand right at the heart of the enchanting woods.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
The following day I wait for Devon at the trailer after school. He said there was something he wanted to show me. But he is not here yet. Can’t blame him though. I got curious and arrived early. I pace around the trailer with one eye at the door. But there is no sign of him. I plop down on the bean bag with a sigh.
Okay, I’m bored.
I rise to my feet again and walk over to the kitchen counter to make coffee for us. I open the usual cabinet but don’t find the main ingredient. I check the rest of the cabinets for it. Not there. Guess Devon has downed all the coffee last night, which probably means he was sketching last night. Devon loves having coffee while he is putting art on campus. He says the beverage is his muse. I remember getting kind of jealous on that note.
I open the last cabinet at the corner but there’s no coffee. The cabinet is not empty either like the others. There’s a black file folder in there.
Maybe Devon’s art folder.
I’m somewhat intrigued. Because I thought Devon has showed me all of his art folders. Yet I’ve never seen this one lying around before.
I want to see what’s in it. Would that be appropriate? I mean I hope he wouldn’t mind if I go through his sketches without asking him. It could be what he was apparently doing last night. And he probably wants to show these to me today.
But let’s just say curiosity killed the cat.
I sit down on the couch and flip open the folder. And the next thing I know, I’m left completely aghast looking at the contents.
Lots of my photographs from the corporate lunch party that I’d attended with my dad in New York last year.
Wait, that’s not even the most shocking part. He’s got some more pictures of me in that yellow dress than I have.
This can’t be true. How in the world is it even possible?
I even find that he has drawn an overwhelming number of sketches of these photographs. He has arranged each of the sketches according to the dates he apparently had made them on.
There’s an ugly knot in the pit of my stomach. If any of these dates are to be believed, all of the sketches were done way before Devon moved to Crawford Lane before last summer.
Devon has always been an enigma to me. But this new discovery is just beyond me. How could he not tell me about the truth behind these photographs? How could he act like he has never met me before?
I know now that he lied to me about having seen me for the first time too the same night because the truth is he has known me for a long time now.
And the whole thing is so creepy. Like how does he even have these pictures? I’m sure he wasn’t there at that party. I couldn’t have missed such a striking face. Who gave him the pictures? I can see a dangerous kind of obsession in these sketches, the same obsession that I’ve seen multiple times in his eyes for me.
I shiver as anxiety shackles me. What if he’s actually obsessed and not really in love with me? There’s a very thin line between love and obsession anyway. And this line can blur easily. Or does he know already that he’s obsessed and not really in love? Perhaps this is the reason why he didn’t tell me about these photographs in the first place.
Obsession is unhealthy; passion is not. I don’t want him to be obsessed with me. I want to be loved.
I keep the folder back inside the cabinet and stroll out of the trailer.
***
“Talk to him,” Stef says after hearing me out. I find her and Josh at The Mug. Josh is gone to get a refill.
“I’d even shown the pictures of that New York party, which I have with me and yet he didn’t tell me that he had those pictures too,” I say grimly.
“Maybe he was about to let you know but you beat him to it?” she suggests. “It’s not like you guys were being real with each other anyway until now.”
“I don’t know…it’s just that I used to love the fact that we were attracted to each other at first sight and now I find that’s not really what happened. It was just me.”
“It happens. You like to believe that something is the truth until one day you discover it isn’t really what it is.” My friend snorts.
“Hey, are you okay?” I ask her, feeling concerned.
“Yeah, I’m good. All I’m saying is you shouldn’t hide what you found out about him. Ask him and see what he says.”
Right then my phone buzzes. It’s Devon.
“I’ll talk to him.” I nod with a sigh and rise to my feet. “Thanks, Stef.”
; “No problem.” She smiles back.
I come across Josh while heading out of the cafe. “Hey, you’re about to bail?” he asks, startled.
“Yeah, gotta talk to Devon. It can’t wait. I’m so sorry.”
“No, it’s okay.” He grins.
“How’s Stef doing?” I ask him anxiously, looking over my shoulder at her.
“Much better. Nothing to worry about,” he assures me.
“I’ll see you guys soon.” I nod, heading out of the cafe.
***
I make my way to the riverside with my mind swirling with doubts. Devon let me believe he didn’t know about me before he set foot in this neighborhood. Was he ever planning on telling me the truth? Why did he not tell me? I thought we were closer than that. But now that I know what is what, I won’t hold back or wait for him to bring it up. I’m gonna ask him upfront and get this over with.
“Where were you?” Devon asks the moment I walk in the trailer. “And what’s wrong?”
“There’s something that I need to tell you,” I say.
Devon scans my eyes for a hint. “Okay, I’m listening.” He nods.
“I didn’t mean to pry but I was looking for coffee, and I came across your art folder in the last cabinet.”
I don’t have to say anymore. Devon knows that I found out his secret and he knows what I’m thinking. He must probably be regretting leaving his folder there. He didn’t mean for me to find it. I don’t know what he is gonna say. I’m too nervous to move.
“So you went through my art folder,” he says after a brief pause, a hint of disapproval evident in his tone.
“Yes, I did. Funny that I didn’t know that we are still keeping secrets from each other.”
“Can we sit?” he asks quietly.
“Sure.”
As we sit across each other, Devon says, “I will tell you everything that you need to know.”
“Hoping it’s nothing but the truth.”
“My…my mom,” Devon begins solemnly. “She was a corporate event photographer by profession. That’s how she met my father. Unfortunately. And she was the one doing pictures at this luncheon in New York that you had been to. Back then I didn’t know about it and didn’t even care who was at the party. But after she passed away, I went through some of her stuff and found the negatives. I developed them and got your pictures. I was smitten by your beauty. It was my mom who took your photos. I made that connection in my messed up head and looked at you for hours every day. I got obsessed with you to the point I started making your sketches day after day.” Devon pauses.
He wanted to hold on to everything that had something to do with his mom. And he did exactly that.
“Around the same time, Dad was trying to talk me into moving to some boring suburban neighborhood, Crawford Lane on the outskirts of New York, which was a coincidence when I found out that you live there. So I agreed to move. And I saw you sooner than I’d expected to that same night I got to this neighborhood.”
I exhale deeply as he concludes. I remember Mr. Parker wondering what caused Devon to agree to move overnight. Well, now I know what. And I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing. This has turned out to be quite twisted. I didn’t know my random presence at a party could lead to something like this.
“I think more than being obsessed with me, you missed your mom,” I voice my thoughts.
I didn’t know how else to put it. Had it been somebody else in the photos instead of me, he would’ve done the same thing. And it just hurts to know how easily Devon could’ve been with another girl right now.
Or maybe I’m just being plain selfish here, not trying to think what he must have been going through at that point.
“Guess you’re right,” Devon confesses, and I feel a sharp prick in my chest.
“So…where does this leave us?” I ask, swallowing the pain. I’m expecting the worse. Does he really love me or not?
“I admit that initially after I got here, it was just obsession that I had for you but that soon started to change when I realized that you complete me. In the sense that I always found in you whatever I lacked in myself. And that’s still true, Eleanor. You have a void in your life. I have too. Perhaps that’s why I’ve never felt lonely whenever we’re holding hands. I know that I love you, Eleanor. I know it more than I know anything else.”
I trust him. I really do. It is the way he looks at me every single time. It is the way he holds me every single time. It’s not his fault that his love is like an ocean of full-hearted obsession, naked passion, and sacred lust. I don’t wanna be saved. I wanna be consumed. Just like I always did.
“Were you ever planning on telling me the truth about how you know me?” I ask him grimly.
Devon tore his eyes away from mine. “Not anytime soon,” he says quietly. “I-I didn’t want you to think I was some sort of a creep…I should’ve come clean. I’m sorry, I messed it up.”
I extended my hand to his, intertwining our fingers. “You were mourning a very tragic loss, that doesn’t make you a creep,” I say meaningfully, and he looks at me. “You did what you thought made sense to your unresolved feelings back then. I love you, Devon.”
I see the relief on his face, and he offers a small smile.
“So what is it then that you wanted to show me?” I ask.
I now come to notice a different file folder resting on the table. Devon plucks a sheet out and shows it to me.
“That’s my mom,” he says. “I’ve sketched her. Just like you had asked me to.”
I feel overwhelmed. This is such a sweet surprise. Devon used his imagination to make the best sketch that would capture the happy expression on his mom’s face, and he has taken great care of every detail. And I don’t have trouble recognizing the face almost at once. It’s that vibrant face you can’t forget.
“I know her from that party,” I say, looking from the sketch to him. “She’s Nicole, right?”
Devon looks startled. “Yeah, but how do you know her name? Was she wearing a name tag or something?”
“No, of course not.” I shake my head. “I happened to have a great little chat with her at the luncheon. And she’s is a wonderful person.”
I smile fondly at the memory and feel a prick in my heart that such a lively person lost her life to an overdose.
“You know what?” I look up at him from the portrait, feeling very emotional. “I cannot tell you how happy I am that you did such a beautiful sketch of her. That’s what she’d look like if she saw you now.”
“Hopefully.” He nods with an affectionate smile. “Back when you’d told me you would write a letter to your mom, I didn’t believe that’s ever gonna happen. But when you wrote one, it inspired me and I pulled myself together to do this. It was hard, very hard. But I’ve come to really understand what you must have felt after penning down that letter ‘cause I feel the same way now. And I wanna be good for you.”
I cannot tell how surreal I feel hearing that. Devon has made a huge effort to finally seek closure. He has decided to forgive himself. And it’s just the best feeling that I could’ve ever asked for.
“But don’t tell me to forgive Dad ‘cause I’ll never do that,” Devon states bitterly, clenching his jaws
The smile on my face disappears at once.
“After I found out about his secret marriage, do you know what my mom told me?” Devon looks angry, disgusted and pained. “She said that Cheryl has much more love for my father than she could ever have for him. I told Mom that’s not true but she insisted it was. I hope she now knows that I was right and she was so very wrong. I hope Mom knows that the bitch committed several acts of adultery with a teenage boy. I hope Mom knows that the bitch also tried to―”
Devon stops abruptly mid-sentence and seethes with rage. I grow all alert.
“What did Cheryl also try to do, Devon?” I ask sharply, clutching his arm.
He doesn’t reply. Instead I watch his hands curl into harsh trembling fists. The weight of th
e silence is crushing me. Because I think I know the unspoken sickening words. I just have to say it.
I couldn’t recognize my own low icy tone when I speak again, “Did Cheryl…ever try to get you…to have sex with her?”
I feel his body turn to stone. A cold fury fills his empty eyes as he speaks, “A lot of times, yes. It just got uglier since that evening of the soiree at my so-called place. And I gave you the cold shoulder after our first time because the filthy bitch saw you leaving the trailer that morning and came to know about us. She threatened to hurt you if I got close to you. And I still hate the fact that I got intimidated and said those damn things to you.”
I am numb and speechless. I’m shocked, appalled, and pained but more than anything else I feel a roar of anger in my veins. I’m not able to breathe at the fact that Cheryl got away so easily after doing something so terrible to Devon. If only I knew then what I know now before she’d left Crawford Lane. If only I come across her again.
“I hate Dad,” Devon spews, a muscle ticks in his hard jaw. “I hate him for destroying the amazing life we had for that fucking bitch. I hate him for breaking Mom’s heart. He was the reason she turned to drugs for relief. Dad drove Mom to her own death. I hate the fact that I loved him a lot as a kid. But after everything that happened, I’m gonna hate him for the rest of my life. I swear by it.”
The frosty tone of his voice made me shiver.
“I’m sorry this closure thing is not working for me.” Devon jerks his hand out of my hold and walks off through the door.
I thought I’d finally made a mighty escape from all the dreadful feelings of anxiety and uncertainty but they have me cornered again.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I thought that Devon and I are gonna go downhill again after what he said at the trailer that day. I thought that we’d never be able to make peace with our past. I thought that every progress we’d made to come out of it was in vain. But those worries were never actualized.
Again: A Young Adult Romance Page 21