In the weeks that follow, I have fewer nightmares, if not fully gone. I’m doing much better ever since what Devon said to me in the woods. On the other hand, he makes every conscious effort to be happy and at ease whenever we are together. He is trying to get better at dealing with his ordeal. He is trying his best to get closure even if at some level he still believes otherwise.
I know Devon wants to be good for my betterment. But I want him to be able to laugh with all his heart even if it is not because of me. I want his endearing smile to reach his eyes in the most magical way not only when he is with me.
But then to be honest, I too wish I could lose all my fears at once just so that I can be good for him.
So yeah, all isn’t exactly well, yet it somehow definitely is. For us. Because we are together. Before him, I was broken. And after him, I am made. Again. Somewhere between life and dreams, Devon and I’ve created our own world where only the two of us exist. And it is perfect. Because we built it with our imperfections.
“So, Jackson’s visiting Granny Parker in Philly for the winter break?” I ask him as we cruise around a mall in New York that weekend.
“Yeah, I’m gonna miss him,” nods Devon, “but I think it’s better that way for some time.”
“Guess you’re right,” I say thoughtfully.
We pass by the kids’ play area when a little boy comes up to us. “Can you please do my shoe laces?” he asks, looking up at Devon, catching the latter completely off guard.
“Sure.” Devon awkwardly gets down to help the kid.
I clamp a hand over my mouth to stop myself from giggling as he struggles to tie the laces. I watch in amusement as he always ends up making nasty knots and he literally fights with the laces to disentangle them. I almost applaud his supreme ability to get one of his index fingers trapped between the laces. Such a predicament!
“Ermm…how much longer will it take?” the little boy asks in confusion.
“Forbearance, kid.” Devon dismisses him. “You’ll probably learn about that word in the next school year or something but for now you gotta have it.”
Before he gets any more snarky, I decide to take charge of the situation. “It’s okay, I’ll do the laces.”
As Devon sourly steps aside, the kid looks at me as though I were an angel from heaven come to save him from the devil. After the little boy runs off and we get moving from there, I can’t help but crack up at the whole thing.
Devon gives me a grudging look. “Just so you know it’s not normal to laugh without any reason,” he says.
“Oh no, no, no. I’m not laughing at you,” I deny between mad giggles. “I am . . . I am laughing over a funny poem written by Edgar Allan Poe…”
He narrows his eyes into slits. “Edgar Allan Poe wrote sad poems. You might want to start paying attention in English class rather than fantasizing about me.”
“You might want to start learning how to do laces rather than sumo wrestling with them,” I taunt him back with a sweet smile.
Devon rolls his eyes. “I was just trying to discover more ways to do laces. I was bored with the regular ways.”
“Yeah, and you were so engrossed in making the discovery that you no longer see any difference between the two laces and your ten fingers,” I drawl.
The frown on his face makes me feel like I won a Grammy.
“I must go somewhere else ‘cause this place is full of people who are proud of their imbecile remarks,” he sneers.
I laugh and make a grab for his arm. I hold his face with both my hands and crash my lips onto his for a hard, breathless kiss. The next thing I know we quickly find a secluded corner where he backs me up against the wall and we make out just so wildly that I want more of him. I can feel his hard arousal too. It escalated real quick. Not that I’m complaining one bit.
“I want you now,” he breathes against my neck before giving it a bite.
“I wanna do it in the car once.” I gasp, clutching at his hair.
“Come on.” He seizes my hand as we start to head fast to the parking lot. We’re taking the escalator down. My heart throbs in impatience just like the growing heat between my legs. This is such torture. Damn my stupid mouth. I should’ve let him take me then and there against the wall. In that state of mindless frenzy, I happen to look around and I do a double take when I see someone I thought I didn’t see. My heart stops. The fog in my head clears off at once as though it wasn’t there. I don’t feel hot anymore. I feel cold as my eyes grow wide.
Cheryl.
All the adrenaline in me fades away in an instant when I see her lock lips with a well suited up stranger on the first floor of the mall. Just before Devon and I go further down on the escalator I manage to catch a glimpse of her heading towards the ladies’ room apparently.
“Devon,” my voice bears an urgent note as we step off the escalator, “I’ll see you in the car. Gotta use the restroom.”
He looks taken aback by my suddenness. But I don’t wait for what he had to say and dash off out of his sight.
I take the escalator back up in a rush and rapidly make my way to the ladies’ room. All those vengeful thoughts and feelings that had hit me back at the trailer that day take over me again. I hope to find her in the restroom. I cannot afford to lose her. I will never be able to forgive myself if I let her walk away that easily for the second time.
I push the door open and barge inside the ladies’ room. And she’s there touching up her makeup. I meet the reflection of her startled eyes in the mirror.
“Oh, look who’s here,” Cheryl turns around to face me with a snide look. “The teen germ from the dull suburban neighborhood. So glad I’m out of that lifeless place.” She rolls her eyes in pride.
I catch the bitch off guard when I charge towards her and knock a hard punch on her disgusting face.
“What the fuck, you filth!” she howls in shock, holding her bleeding nose.
“This is for stooping too low to swallow too many dicks,” I spew coldly.
“Oh really?” Cheryl scoffs. “I wonder what will happen to that innocent boyfriend of yours when he comes to know that his precious mother kept a huge secret wrapped up in lies for him to never find out.”
What?!
It feels as though the ground has crumbled beneath my paralyzed feet hearing that.
“What the hell are you talking about?!” I demand angrily even as my heart seems to drown in an unknown bottomless pit.
Cheryl smirks evilly, enjoying the horror she just caused me.
“Oh, I won’t tell you that, little girl,” she says menacingly. “Because it’s way more fulfilling to leave you hanging like this rather than punching your ass of a face back.”
She walks past me and heads out of the ladies’ room leaving me less energized.
I start to sweat in fear and uncertainty by the time I drag my trembling legs to the parking lot.
But I gotta hold myself together. I can’t afford to let Devon see me in this state because I’m terrified of having to answer his questions.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Devon asks me the moment I get in the car next to him. “You look…I don’t know how you look.”
“I’m fine. I just want to go back home.” I struggle to keep my hand from shaking as I put on the seat belt.
“Eleanor, I’m worried.” Devon sounds alert and concerned. “What took you so long?”
“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m sorry but can we…please not talk? I’m feeling sick and I really want to get home ASAP.”
“Okay,” Devon relents.
And the drive back to Crawford Lane is painfully long and silent. I can tell Devon is worried and is itching to ask me questions. But I’m glad he doesn’t. It’s too hard for me to think rationally now, or to think anything at all.
Chapter Thirty
I swear I try harder than I possibly can to get Cheryl’s words out of my head, but the words stick around to build their darkest home in my conscience. I was out to seek revenge
but ended up getting caught in a web of torture instead. I thought action speaks louder than words but didn’t know words could spew poison much better too.
I don’t know why I can’t stop her words from bothering me so much. It’s obvious she was bluffing only to mess with my head, which is why I’m trying to let it go. But what if she wasn’t bluffing at all? What if she spoke actual facts? Did Devon’s mother really keep a secret from him? What was so bad or disturbing that needed to be kept hidden? Would it be right for him to know about it? What would the secret do to him if revealed?
I stand at the kitchen counter all by myself wondering, brooding, and then dreading the whole thing over and over again as though ensnared in a never-ending circle. The sudden click of the kitchen door pierces the dead silence in the air and snaps me back to reality.
I thought Gran was home, but it’s Devon who walks in looking grim but determined nonetheless.
“Eleanor, I know what the matter with you is,” he says.
I was completely not prepared for that. “You do?”
“Yeah, like…I know we’ve been really reckless and been doing it a lot. And I might have been careless the last time―Okay, I’ll cut to the chase here. Are you pregnant?”
“Say what?!” My jaw drops. I stare at him in disbelief. Where did that come from?
“Look, I want to tell you that there’s nothing to worry about, okay?” he assures me with conviction. “I’m gonna be there every moment for you and the baby. I will do whatever it takes to raise this baby well with you―”
“But I―”
“―I just want you to trust me and not freak out about this―”
“But you―”
” ―Because I know it’s gonna be a great thing for both of us. I will skip college and take up a full-time job and―”
“Devon!” I interrupt him firmly this time. “Will you listen to me, please?”
He falls silent at once and looks at me like an obedient child.
I exhale. “That was…really very, very sweet of you, Devon. I appreciate it a lot, I sure do.” I smile. “Except that I’m not pregnant because the condom never broke. So, you’re not gonna be a teen father. In fact, I just got my period some time back, and the pain sucks.”
Devon gapes at me. “You’re, uh, you’re not pregnant?”
“Not even a little bit,” I joke.
“Then why were you so freaked out back at the mall?” he asks, puzzled. “You said you wanted to use the ladies’ room. And after that, we didn’t do it in the car like you wanted to. You didn’t even want to talk.”
I feel my stomach work up a nasty knot hearing that. And I realize I’m still so ill-prepared even though I knew it was coming. Devon searches my face for answers that I don’t know myself.
“I was in the restroom when…Gran called. And…I got to know that Dad is too caught up with work to be able to come back.” I hate myself for lying to him.
Devon believes my words. “Hey,” his hand reaches out to mine, “your dad will be back soon. And all will be well, I know that.”
“Thanks,” I say in a low tone, feeling the guilt climb up my throat.
“Wait, you said that you’re on your period.”
“That’s true.” I nod.
“I’ve to wait for five fucking days now? Again?” He can’t believe time flew so fast.
“Yup, it’s the time of the month.”
Devon looks so damn frustrated that I can’t help but break out into a laugh.
***
I arrive at the Parkers’ later that evening because I can’t live with the fact that there might be something about Devon’s mom that he deserves to know after all this time. I need to find out if there is even an iota of truth in any of Cheryl’s words. I can’t deal with the restlessness and anxiety in silence anymore. I cannot risk having to lie to Devon a second time to hide it.
Dave Parker is likely to know if there is anything to know about Devon’s mom. Honestly, I’m here to find out that there’s absolutely nothing of that kind to know about her.
A butler dressed in uniform opens the door and lets me in. I go upstairs to Mr. Parker’s study ‘cause I’m told he would be there very shortly.
It’s the first time I enter his study after it had been brutally trashed by Devon. But now the place has been fully restored and looks more or less like before except for the photo frames and maybe even the lampshades.
I cross over to the south end wall of the study, which has been newly done. There are lots of family photographs put up on that wall now. Happy pictures of Devon’s growing up years with his parents occupy most of the space. Then there are also pictures of Devon with his mom, Devon with Jackson, and also of Dave and his wife. Honestly, looking at this beautiful and lively wall, nobody can guess the tragedy that befell this family.
My gaze stops on this one particular photograph of Devon’s parents from their youthful days. Dave has his arm around Devon’s mom’s shoulder, and he is wearing a cop uniform.
I turn around just in time to see Mr. Parker walk in the study.
“You were a cop?” I ask, startled.
“No, I…couldn’t be one.” He chuckles. “I did graduate from the police academy, but that’s just it to the story. No regrets though.”
“Oh.”
“Anyway, if you’re here looking for Devon, he moved out for the winter break since Jackson is away at their Gran’s.” He sighs.
I know about that. Devon is living in the trailer by the riverside like before until Jackson gets back.
“I’m not looking for him,” I tell Mr. Parker. “I wanted to talk to you about…his mom.”
Mr. Parker wasn’t expecting that. He motions me to take a seat at his large mahogany desk while he gets behind it to sit across me on his swivel chair.
“What about Nicole?” he asks, sounding perplexed.
I exhale deeply. “I came across Cheryl at a mall in New York. She told me something about Devon’s mom keeping a secret from him. Is there any truth in that? Or is there anything that you know of?”
I watch his expression change, and I feel my pulse slow down under my skin.
“There is a secret,” I let out a fragile whisper, “and you know everything there is to know,” I continue in a resolute tone. “Mr. Parker, I don’t need to know a word about it, but if Devon needs to, please tell him. It’s not too late.”
“I’ll tell you, Eleanor,” he says, bearing a lump in his throat. “The truth is I-I’m not…I’m not Devon’s biological father…and he doesn’t know that.”
My mouth runs cold hearing that. And my eyes open wide as I look at him in panic and disbelief.
Mr. Parker speaks further, “Nicole and I were friends all through high school. But we went our separate ways and didn’t stay in contact after we graduated. It wasn’t until six years later that she suddenly turned up at my doorstep looking traumatized and scared and pleading me to help her. I was on probation at that time to become a full-fledged police officer. It turned out that her boyfriend was the most wanted criminal. And she was pregnant with his baby, Devon.”
I feel the ground crumble beneath my feet. Or maybe it is my body that has become too numb for any kind of sensations or feelings.
“The truth about her boyfriend left Nicole devastated and in fear. But she somehow gathered the courage to escape because she wanted to protect Devon from him and what he could do. I followed my instincts which told me to trust her. And protect her. There were goons who were out to kill her, and then, there were the police who would most likely think of her as a criminal.”
“So you had to let go of your promising career to protect her from both sides,” I said in a strained voice.
Mr. Parker exhales grimly. “I told Nicole she didn’t have to feel guilty about it, but she always did.”
“What happened to Devon’s dad?”
“He was eventually cornered, but he didn’t surrender. Rather shot himself to death on the spot.”
; I feel heaviness bridle my fragile breath “Did you and Nicole ever marry?”
“No, we didn’t.” Mr. Parker shook his head. “We lived under the same roof as friends. I helped her raise Devon. And it was natural of him to think I was his father. And we kept it that way.”
“And the two of you never felt love for each other?” I ask in disbelief.
Mr. Parker chuckles sadly. “I don’t know about her, but I did fall in love with her. But I was too scared to tell her and risk messing the amazing friendship that we had. The last thing I wanted was to see her move out with Devon. I couldn’t imagine a life without the two of them.”
“So you didn’t cheat on her with Cheryl unlike what Devon has believed all this time?” I say. “Nicole knew about Cheryl and then about Jackson right from the very start, didn’t she?”
“Yes.” Mr. Parker nods gravely. “Nicole somehow got an inkling that I had feelings for her, and she…implied that she didn’t feel the same way about me when she asked me to find a girl and get married.” He sighs. “I think Nicole was afraid; she believed she was too scarred to feel love once again. I only married Cheryl and decided to have Jackson just so that Nicole wouldn’t feel guilty. I didn’t want her to think she’s the reason that I never marry or settle down and be happy. ”
I feel a deep sorrow take root within me. I recall speaking to Devon’s mom for those couple of minutes a year ago. It’s hard to picture the tragic life behind that cheerful face.
Mr. Parker closes his eyes in pain and bows his head. “Nicole battled prescription pill addiction in high school too, but I wish I hadn’t listened to her and moved out. I-I could have saved her life…and she would’ve been alive now.”
“You have to tell Devon everything that you told me,” I say, fighting to have a resolute voice.
Mr. Parker looks up at me ashen-faced. “No. Definitely not. I’d rather have Devon hate me for the rest of his life than tell him that his father was a most wanted criminal. I can’t tell him that his mom kept such a big secret from him. I-I don’t know how he’ll react and what he’ll do. I promised Nicole that I’d protect him with my life, and I intend to do just that.”
Again: A Young Adult Romance Page 22