“Yeah,” Michael answered.“It’s the best you deserve from me.” He turned away, heard her grumble under her breath, and turned back, furious.“What the hell did you expect, Nic? I loved you! I took our vows seriously. And for you to leave with no explanation– God, Nicolette, some nights I thought I was dying of it. I missed you, I wanted you… I probably would have forgiven it. But I didn’t get to make that choice, because you made it without me, alone. And if you’re sad now that aloneis exactly how you’ve ended up, then that’s your problem.”
Her mouth dropped open as Michael spoke, and she stepped back as if she’d been slapped. Michael’s emotions were in a total uproar, rage and guilt and shame battling with his own sense of pride, and an unexpected feeling of lightness, as if a weighted rucksack had suddenly been removed from his shoulders. He had needed closure for so long, had desperately needed to know why she had turned her back on him– and he had thought he’d found his closure in her letter. And he hadn’t recognized it then, but feeling the weight of dread fall away from him made him realize how sure he had been that she hadn’t been telling him everything, that she hadn’t been telling him the truth. He stepped close again, looked into her eyes, and rested his palm on the warm weight of her unborn child.“I hope to God I never set eyes on your face again,” he said.“Because I hate that it still hurts, and I hate you for ruining what we could have been. I hate that you ruined everything. And hope you get your shit together, for this one. He or she deserves better than a fair weather mommy, since it turns out you were just a fair weather wife.”
Her eyes filled with tears as she looked up at his face, and Michael released her, stepping away. He was glad to see that Drew had found him, and as he turned away, Drew walked with him.“You alright?”
“Fine,” Michael lied. His heart was aching, his head was pounding, and his skin was crawling. Everything he had believed was tainted– again. And even if some hidden part of his mind hadknown before that she hadn’t been telling him everything, the confirmation left a bitter taste in his mouth. He had a stomach full of beer that was rolling and tossing, a tiny ocean of yeast and hops that threatened with every step to come heaving up his throat and out at his feet. He wanted to scream, to hit something, to run– he wanted to hide. He wanted to cry. And he hated himself for still hurting.
Chapter Fifty-Two
Drew stayed with him through the next stop, whichwas Adam’s choice and thankfully the last stop of the night. Adam chose a late night diner, claiming hunger, and the men all settled in for food, conversation, and a round of gag gifts that left Adam totally uncomfortable, Xander completely embarrassed, and everyone but Michael laughing so hard that tears ran down their cheeks as they ate. By the time they left, Xander had a giant gift bag filled with embarrassing gifts from Michael, Evan, Drew, and Adam, and six pairs of silly underwear from his friends, all with a similar theme: one yellow thong printed with monkeys, with a long dangling sleeve of fabric to“put his banana in,” a pair of basic briefs that left the entire buttocks exposed, a black thong attached to suspenders that had metal spikes all over them, a pair of leopard print boxer shorts with a chain attached to a furry leopard print collar, and a plain blue pair of boxers“because we know you’re too boring to actually wear any of this stuff.”
The group walked out of a venue together for the last time of the night, rowdy and playful, but once-again mostly sober, and they piled into Evan’s and Mac’s vehicles to meet up at the Kingsley house, where almost everyone had left their cars. Xander’s friends left right away, their headlights sweeping over the front of the house as one by one they backed into the driveway and turned off down the street. As the remainder of the party headed into the Kingsley house, Michael found himself alone with Xander on the trek up the driveway.
“Long night, huh?” Xander asked.“Thanks for the gift, by the way. I’ve always wanted a wiener soap ring.”
Michael laughed, his shoulder bumping against Xander’s as they made their way up to the house. Ahead of them, Eva had opened the front door and was standing on the porch, welcoming Adam, Mac, Drew and Evan into the house. She beckoned to Michael; he waved and held up a finger to let her know he was coming, and she stepped back into the house, leaving the door open behind her.“Yeah, I figured you were gonna need the soap ring,” he said quietly to Xander.“Otherwise you’d be risking ruining the dick towel I knew you were getting from Drew.”
Xander threw his head back, his round muscular shoulders shaking as he laughed.“Right, the dick towel,” he said.“I can’t even believe people make stuff like that.” He brought one hand up to scrape his palm over his face as he and Michael stepped into the light of the porch lamps, and Michael watched the flame tattoos ripple down the muscled forearms, shaking his head. Xander caught the motion and looked at him curiously, making Michael shake his head again.
“God,” Michael said, quietly.“I can’t believe my baby sister’s getting married. It’s crazy how much everything has changed around here in the last few years.”
“Yeah, I can imagine. Seems like there’s always something going on in this bunch. You’re a busy family.” Xander leaned against the porch rail, rolling his shoulders.“What a night though. I’m beat.”
“Me too.” Michael waited, watching Xander’s face change as the humor fell away and he grew serious. He was a young man, but his career in wrestling made him a very intimidating young man, well built and very sturdy. Michael would have hated to have Xander as an enemy, and was glad to count him as a friend.“What’s on your mind?” he asked.
“You’ve been married before, right?”
Michael sighed, glancing toward the open door of the house. He stepped across the porch and caught the door handle, pulling it closed before he gestured toward the wooden benches that rested against the house on one side, fluffy with cushions his mother had sewn by hand.“Yeah,” he said, lowering himself to one end of the bench.“Why, what’s up?”
“Well, you and I have gotten to be friends, right?” Xander’s blue eyes were clouded with insecurity, and his face crimson as he spoke.
“Yeah.”
“What’s it like, then? I mean, I don’t really have anyone to ask, so. My dad’s not really the type to talk emotions and stuff.” He shrugged, the corded muscles in his neck working, his larynx bobbing as he swallowed.“I know I want to be with her, and I’m not afraid of the commitment, but… just… what’s it like? Being a husband, being married.”
Michael let his head fall back to rest against the wall, his eyes closed against the rush of memories. He had been afraid too, as his wedding day had approached, and he had gone to his father. Now, he gave Adam’s words to Xander, smiling through the bitterness they left on his tongue.“It’s good,” he said, echoing the words his father had spoken only a few years before.“But it’s so much work. It’s worth it, though.”
“Dude, seriously?”
Michael popped one eye open, turning his head slightly to take in the incredulous look on Xander’s face.“Yeah, I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to mean, either,” he sputtered, laughing.“But it’s what my father told me before I got married. So, there you go.”
“I don’t get it.”
Michael laughed again, the tone less amused this time and more ironic, and he held up his left hand, fingers splayed to show the bare third finger, still bearing a shadow of the tan line his wedding ring had left behind. He had looked at it so many times over the years, watching it slowly fade, wondering if it would ever really go away.“Obviously I didn’t get it either,” he said.
Shaking his head, Xanderreached up to slap Michael’s hand out of the air.“Ittakes two though, man.”
“See? You already know more about this than me,” Michael teased. He closed his eyes again, seeing in memory the way Nicolette had looked as she had walked down the aisle toward him on their wedding day, her eyes shining, her hair falling from its updo in tendrils beside her face, down her back. He had to be honest, it hadn’t been all b
ad.“Alright,” he said, quietly.“It’s good, Xander. If you love her, it’s so good. She’s there every morning– of course, with you two being wrestlers, you might not have that, but you know what I mean already because you live together–“ he arched an eyebrow, waiting until Xander nodding his understanding before he went on.“She’s there in the morning, sleepy and mussed, and warm–“
“And yours,” Xander supplied. He grinned, looking out into the darkness that covered the front yard.
Michael smiled, remembering.“Yeah, and yours.”
“How do you know it’ll work?” Xander looked over at Michael, his worry clearly stamped on his face. He met Michael’s eyes with his chin lifted though, unashamed of his fears.
“You don’t,” Michael said quietly, swatting at an errant moth.“And there’s no way to tell in advance, so you just take the leap and do the best you can.”
“Would you do it again?”
Michael sighed, crossing his arms against the coolness of the breeze that swept suddenly over them, and smiled. Would he do it again? He thought of Nicolette, and how bitter the end of his marriage had been for him, how hurt he still was over what she had done and the choices she had made. He acknowledged the alcohol craving that had plagued him for months, the result of his own lack of coping skills, and the list of regrets he had built in the years since his divorce. He thought too, though, of Renee and the quiet ways that she had been there for him over the years, the secrets they had shared, and the growth of their bond. He knew firsthand that it could all fall apart in an instant because he had lived it already; he knew that she could turn her back and walk away from him without a word. But was it worth the risk?“Yeah,” he answered.“Yeah, I’d do it again.”
The door opened softly, and Eva stepped out into the pool of light that had covered Xander and Michael as they rested on the bench beside the door. She smiled as they turned to look up at her, beckoning with a wave of her hand.“You boys coming in to hang out with us, or are you just gonna sit out here all night long?” she asked.
“Yeah, we’re coming, Mom. Just got caught up chatting.” Michael rose, nodding to his mother, and watched her turn back into the house. He looked to Xander then, and smiled.“It’s normal to be scared though. Cold feet, they call it. And when she takes her first steps toward you in her wedding dress, it’ll go away in an instant.”
“What if it doesn’t?” Xander stood too, smoothing his jeans down along his thighs.“I thought I was gonna die just asking her to move in with me. And we haven’t been together long at all, you know? Not even a year yet.But I can’t imagine being without her.”
“I knowit hasn’t been that long,” Michael said.“But if you’re sure, and if she’s sure, then you can trust that. At least for now, you know? And if you’re really committed to this and problems come up, then you just commit again. Commit to fixing it. Commit to making it work, even if that means changing things. For her too, not just you.” Michael clapped a hand on Xander’s shoulder and turned him, steering him toward the front door of his parents’ house.“But in the meantime, you’re one of us now, so come on.”
Chapter Fifty-Three
The next few weeks went by quickly for Michael, and as the date for Harmony’s wedding to Xander grew closer, he and Renee grew closer, too. He spent a great deal of that time lost in thought, with Renee patiently present beside him as they watched movies, went walking together by the river, and spent lots of time with Michael’s family as they worked together to prep for the upcoming wedding.
“I can’t believe it’s really happening,” Renee had said quietly in his ear as they twirled around the dance floor at the engagement party.“And like this, too! So glamorous!”
She hadn’t been wrong; Harmony had stepped completely out of character for her wedding and had seen to it that the entire event was elegant and tasteful even though it was impossibly large and unspeakably fancy. The ballroom the engagement party was held in was filled from wall to wall with people, and with the exception of Evan, most of the Kingsley family felt more than a little out of place, surrounded as they were by Harmony and Xander’s cast of celebrity friends.“I know, it’s fancy,” Michael had whispered back, smiling uncomfortably as an a-list actor swept by, dancing beautifully with Minx, one of the female wrestlers Harmony worked with. Outside of the ring, she was an outspoken Australian beauty, quick-witted and fun to be around.
“Maybe I’ll have this one day,” Renee had murmured, laughing playfully at Michael’s discomfort.
“Oh yeah? Better go snag one of my sister’s co-workers, then,” Michael had grumbled back, grinning despite the irritation he’d forced into his voice.“Mechanics don’t do paparazzi.”
Renee had laughed again, moving closer in his arms as he steered them away from the dance floor and toward the table where his parents had settled so that Eva could rest. She had insisted on having the cast removed from her wrist the previous week, informing her doctor that she had no intention of appearing in her daughter’s wedding photos with a cast on her arm. The cast on her leg had been removed too, replaced with a walking cast that would allow her to dance at the party and stabilize her leg as needed, but could be taken off for any necessary photos, and at the wedding itself.
Outwardly, Michael had gone through all the proper motions; he had danced and attempted to mingle at the engagement party as expected, had stood proudly beside Xander during the first informal rehearsal, and had finally written both the appropriate toasts for the dinner after the formal rehearsal and the wedding reception. He still went to work, still ran his business. He still drank more than he should too, though he had been trying with some success to cut back.
And he still spent every possible moment with Renee. They had been nearly inseparable since the moment they’d met, but once they had both recognized and acted on their mutual attraction, their relationship had taken on a certain level of permanence that both could feel and neither had the courage to mention. They still had their usual movie nights, complete with popcorn– which now made Renee frequently burst into random fits of laughter, remembering their first night together– but now they spent that time curled up naked together in bed instead of fully clothed on Michael’s couch.
“Is it weird?” he had asked her, waking up one morning to find her watching him.“Us, being together like this? The way nothing has changed, except that–“
“Everything has changed?” She had ducked her head, the tip of her nose tickling his nipple as she pressed her face to his chest and laughed.“Why? Is it weird for you?”
“Only when I think about how weird it isn’t,” he had answered, with complete honesty.
Now, he looked down at Renee as he stood up from his seat at the rehearsal dinner. The formal dress rehearsal had gone off without a hitch, Harmony’s fears that something would inevitably go wrong seemed to have settled, Xander seemed to have recovered his nerve, and it was time for Michael to speak as the groom’s best man. Renee looked up at him, smiling encouragingly, and he smiled back, trying to will his hands to stop shaking against the paper he had pulled from the breast pocket of his coat. Around him, the few people gathered at the small banquet for the formal dinner seemed to sense his readiness, and the hush of conversation gradually fell away into silence.
“I’m supposed to give a toast,” he said, and broke to clear away the tightness in his throat. Across the table, Adam arched an eyebrow, and Michael straightened his shoulders.“I’m supposed to give a toast,” he said again, stronger this time,“but you should all know that I’m not speaking because I’m supposed to. You can probably already tell this isn’t my thing,” he went on, catching the amused smile that sparked in his mother’s eyes,“so if you know me at all, you’ll know that‘supposed to’ isn’t nearly enough to make me attempt public speaking.”
He felt Renee’s knee touch his leg under the shelter of the table and he unfolded the bit of paper in his hands, buying time as he began to feel everyone’s eyes coming to rest on him. He he
ard Evan snort, heard him gasp slightly as someone– probably Cameron– had taken physical action to shut him up“Anyway,” he said, and dropped his eyes to the paper in his hands.“My sister’s getting married, my baby sister Harmony. It’s almost time, and in just a few hours our father will walk her down the aisle and give her to Xander, trusting him to take care of her and look out for her as her husband.” His voice caught in his throat, and as he looked first at his father and then atHarmony, he saw the teary-eyed look exchanged between father and daughter.“It’s hard to believe the little girl who cried herself to sleep because she couldn’t get her cartwheels just right is now sitting here completely grown up, accomplished and totally beautiful… it’s hard to believe tomorrow morning she’ll be dressed in her wedding finery, and she’ll go from being my kid sister to being Xander’s wife.”
Around him, a whisper of quiet laughter made its way around the room, and he heard a sniff from his parents’ direction that drew his eye again. His mother’s face was buried in an aged cotton knit handkerchief that had once been as white as snow but had now faded to a pale cream, bordered with a soft blue that must have been holding on by the strength of a miracle; it had been hand knit by her mother and was the same one she had been given to carry at her own wedding, the same one she had carried as she had watched the weddings of four of her children.“But it’s not just about that,” Michael went on, looking around the room, making eye contact with his siblings and their spouses in turn, nodding to Evan, and then looking back at Renee. Renee had joined hands with her twin sister Chelsea, who had taken the hand of their adopted sister Cass; Cass was smiling into her lap, where Drew’s big hand rested on her thigh.“It’s not just about the old tradition of a father giving his daughter away in marriage, of the daughter leaving her place to be with her husband, or about the two of you,” he said, nodding to Harmony and Xander, sitting close together at the head of the long table.“It’s about our family growing, accepting a new member as one of us. It’s not just Xander that’ll be taking care of one of us; it’s my sister, and all of us as her family, being willing to take care of him, too.”
More Than Friends (Kingsley #4) Page 26