by Cary McNeal
39
FACT : Overconsumption of purine-rich foods like lobster, foie gras, and liver can lead to gout, a type of arthritis. Attacks can last for weeks, and can damage joints, tendons, and other tissues. Gout has been called the “rich man’s disease” because of its association with fine foods like lobster and foie gras. But, gout can also be caused by excessive alcohol use; this type is known as “poor man’s gout.” Those of us in the middle class are in the clear.
“Gout—Topic Overview,” WebMd, www.webmd.com.
“Gout,” The Free Dictionary Medical-Dictionary, http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com.
“Gout,” The-Family-Doctor.com, www.the-family-doctor.com.
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40
FACT : Commercial livestock and poultry farmers routinely feed antibiotics to animals that are not sick to help them grow larger, or as a pre-emptive measure to make up for stressful, crowded, and unsanitary living conditions. But antibiotic overuse builds resistance to the drugs, and can lead to consumer goods contaminated with drug-resistant, disease-causing bacteria. What about the stressful, crowded, and unsanitary office conditions facing the average American worker? Companies need to start giving drugs to their employees, but not antibiotics. I mean good stuff—Xanax, Valium, Percocet, Thorazine. It would certainly make the day go by quicker.
“Antibiotic Overuse in Food Animals,” Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy, www.iatp.org.
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41
FACT : Campylobacter is a bacteria that can cause fever, diarrhea, and abdominal cramps. Most raw poultry meat carries campylobacter, making consumption of undercooked chicken the main source for this infection. Campylobacter does not commonly cause death. But consuming it will make you beg for death.
“Campylobacter General Information,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Department of Health and Human Services, www.cdc.gov.
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42
FACT : E. coli O157:H7 is a bacterial pathogen found in cow feces. Consuming water or food contaminated with even a tiny amount of bovine waste can lead to bloody diarrhea, abdominal cramps, temporary anemia, and kidney failure. Bloody diarrhea: because neither bloody stool nor diarrhea is enough fun on its own.
“Foodborne Illness,” Content Source: National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases: Division of Bacterial Diseases, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Department of Health and Human Services, October 25, 2005, www.cdc.gov.
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43
FACT : A century ago, the most common food-borne diseases were typhoid fever, tuberculosis, and cholera. Today, we have a new list of food infections to worry about, including recent discoveries like cyclospora, a diarrhea-causing parasite found in Guatemalan raspberries. “Guatemalan raspberries” is also the nickname of this explosive type of diarrhea. “Start the game without me. I got the Guatemalan raspberries.”
“Foodborne Illness,” Content Source: National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases: Division of Bacterial Diseases, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Department of Health and Human Services, October 25, 2005, www.cdc.gov.
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44
FACT : In 2008, a Nebraska policeman was awarded $40,000 after he sued a Taco Bell/KFC restaurant that served his family food containing an employee’s urine and spit. His son was hospitalized with gastroenteritis and dehydration following the meal. The employee who contaminated the food was fined $100 but kept his job. If you want to hide spit or piss in food, Taco Bell and KFC are the places to do it.
“Family wins $40,000 over urine-tainted food,” MSNBC.com, July 14, 2008, www.msnbc.msn.com.
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45
FACT : The term “natural” (or “all-natural”) has no nutritional meaning and is not defined or regulated by the FDA, so packaged goods and restaurants can use the term at will. For example, fast-food chain Arby’s claims to serve “100 percent all-natural chicken,” but uses artificial flavoring. Consumer food products, now made with 100 percent all-natural bullshit!
“Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know,” MSNBC.com, December 13, 2007, www.msnbc.msn.com.
“‘All natural’ claim on food labels is often deceptive,” NaturalNews.com, March 21, 2005, www.naturalnews.com.
Lorraine Heller, “‘Natural’ will remain undefined, says FDA,” FoodNavigator-USA.com, January 4, 2008, www.foodnavigator-usa.com.
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46
FACT : One serving of Aussie Cheese Fries at Outback Steakhouse contains 2,900 calories—an entire day’s recommended calorie intake for the average person. No worries, mate, they’ll go right through ya. Cheese fries are only rented, not bought.
“Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know,” MSNBC.com, December 13, 2007, www.msnbc.msn.com.
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47
FACT : Many of the “low-fat” menu items at Applebee’s restaurants contain over 500 calories; the “low-fat chicken quesadillas,” for example, weigh in at a whopping 742 calories and 90 grams of carbohydrates per serving. Applebee’s slogan:
“Welcome to the neighborhood.” Of people who think they are dieting but aren’t.
“Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know,” MSNBC.com, December 13, 2007, www.msnbc.msn.com.
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48
FACT : A medium fruit-and-yogurt smoothie at Dunkin’ Donuts contains four times as much sugar as a chocolate-frosted cake doughnut. Good, I’d rather have the doughnut anyway.
“Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know,” MSNBC.com, December 13, 2007, www.msnbc.msn.com.
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49
FACT : The Omelette Feast at International House Of Pancakes contains 1,335 calories and 35 grams of saturated fat: that’s one and a half times your recommended daily fat requirement and three times the suggested daily cholesterol intake. Hint: Avoid menu items that include the words feast, monster, explosion, blowout, or eat-a-palooza.
“Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know,” MSNBC.com, December 13, 2007, www.msnbc.msn.com.
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50
FACT : Despite its extensive menu, chain restaurant T.G.I. Friday’s only makes nutritional data available for “low-fat” dishes (under 500 calories and 10 grams of fat each). There are only three such selections on the entire menu. On the bright side, your server today is wearing 87 pieces of “flair.”
“Sixteen Secrets The Restaurant Industry Doesn’t Want You To Know,” MSNBC.com, December 13, 2007, www.msnbc.msn.com.
CHAPTER 2
Every Little
Thing We Do
Is Tragic
Human (Mis)
Behaviors
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51
FACT : More American teenagers are killed in car accidents than by any other cause, accounting for more than one in three fatalities. Risk of accident is highest in the first year that a teen drives, and increases with the number of teenage passengers in a car with an unsupervised teen driver. Risk of accident is also high in the last year that a person drives, and increases with the number of imaginary passengers in the car.
“Teen Drivers: Fact Sheet,” Motor Vehicle Safety, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, January 26, 2009, www.cdc.gov.
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52
FACT : Roughly 100 people die every year by choking on ball-point pens. Even more tragic: it’s usually the only pen they have on them, so they can forget writing a quick farewell note to their loved ones as they are choking.
Mitchell Symons, This Book: . . . of More Perfectly Useless Information (HarperCollins, 2005).
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53
FACT : Some scientists view love in terms of addiction, and they might be right. One study discovered that monogamous pairing is based in the same region of the brain as drug addiction. Losing
your love can be like experiencing withdrawal. And for some, getting divorced can feel like taking ecstasy.
Susana Martinez-Conde and Stephen L. Macknik, “Optical Illusions and the Illusion of Love,” Scientific American, February 12, 2009, www.sciam.com.
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54
FACT : Studies that examined what victims of a heart attack were doing and feeling in the hours preceding the event found acute emotional stress to be a common trigger. In one study, more than half of subjects reported being very upset or under great stress in the 24 hours before their attack. But probably not as upset as they were during and after the attack.
Michael Feld and Johann Caspar Rüegg, “Head Attack,” Scientific American, June 2005, www.sciam.com.
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55
FACT : Eating and drinking while driving is a serious problem. Most incidents occur while drivers are on their way to work. If they spill something on their work clothes, they’re more likely to try to remove the stain, become distracted, and cause an accident. Hence these ridiculous wrinkle- and stain-resistant clothes that retailers are selling now. Sorry, guys, if I want a shirt that wears like a cardboard box, I’ll just Scotchgard it myself.
“The 10 Most Dangerous Foods to Eat While Driving,” Insurance.com, March 2, 2007, www.insurance.com.
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56
FACT : A 2000 survey on driving habits ranks tuning the radio as the most common distraction, with over 60 percent of drivers admitting that they do it. Other distractions noted include eating while driving (57 percent do it), and turning around to talk with passengers (56 percent). Surprisingly, only a third of drivers listed talking on a cell phone as a distraction. Because the other two-thirds of cell users aren’t distracted at all. They give the phone call their full attention while barreling their car through anything in the way: stop signs, yield signs, road construction crews, aging pedestrians, dogs, children, the blind, traffic cops, bicyclists, unicyclists, juggling unicyclists, mimes, midget parades, clown funerals, etc.
“The 10 Most Dangerous Foods to Eat While Driving,” Insurance.com, March 2, 2007, www.insurance.com.
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57
FACT : From 2005 to 2006, black Americans had higher depression rates (8.0 percent) than whites (4.8 percent). For both whites and blacks living below the poverty line, rates of depression were higher than those with higher incomes. Now we know why Navin Johnson was so bummed out in The Jerk. He was black and poor.
“Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report: Quick Stats,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, October 3, 2008, www.cdc.gov.
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58
FACT : Studies show that 87 percent of people fear getting trapped in dull conversations at dinner parties. If someone is boring you to tears, interrupt and ask if he would mind calling you on your cell phone. Tell him you want to check reception. When he does, and your phone rings, answer it and say, “Hello?” Then cover the mouthpiece and say to him, “I need to take this, sorry,” then begin an imaginary conversation and continue it until he gets annoyed and walks away.
Richard Wiseman, Quirkology: How We Discover the Big Truths in Small Things (Basic Books, 2008).
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59
FACT : President Ronald Reagan allowed astrologers to influence some of his decisions, including the timing of international summits, presidential announcements, and the schedule of Air Force One. I’ll take astrologers over Karl Rove.
Richard Wiseman, Quirkology: How We Discover the Big Truths in Small Things (Basic Books, 2008).
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60
FACT : The TV viewing habits of millions of Americans fit the criteria for substance abuse, with numerous similar dependency symptoms, such as the inability to control viewing, using TV as a sedative, feeling lack of control while watching, angry feelings for watching too much television, and being upset when unable to watch. “I can quit anytime I—oh, look, Family Guy’s on!”
“Television & Health: Television Statistics,” Compiled by TV-Free America, www.csun.edu.
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61
FACT : More fast-food employees were murdered on the job in 1998 than police officers. An average of four to five fast-food workers are killed every month, usually during robberies, as fast food is largely a cash business and most restaurants have large amounts on site at any given time. Not surprising. I want to murder an employee almost every time I eat fast food. Not for the money, though . . . just on principle.
Eric Schlosser, Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2001).
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62
FACT : Women with cosmetic breast implants are three times more likely than other women to take their own lives, and are also three times as likely to die from alcohol and drug use. Why? Researchers suspect that many of these women had pre-existing body image and self-esteem issues before getting the implants. Nah, the researchers—obviously female—are just jealous of women with fabulous racks.
Maggie Fox, “Breast Implants Linked with Suicide in Study,” Reuters, Aug 8, 2007, www.reuters.com.
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63
FACT : English teen Natalie Cooper is unable to eat anything but Tic-Tacs, and throws up anything else she tries to ingest. Cooper must be fed a special formula through a tube to her stomach in order to survive. She’d have great breath if it weren’t for all the puking.
“The teenage girl who can only eat Tic Tacs,” The Daily Mail, February 9, 2008, www.dailymail.co.uk.
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64
FACT : In 2008, drunken Jersey City, New Jersey councilman Steven Lipski was arrested in Washington, DC for urinating from a night club balcony onto concertgoers watching a Grateful Dead cover band. They’re Deadheads—they should be used to smelling like pee. I hope Lipski hit the band while he was at it. The only thing worse than The Dead is a Dead cover band.
Rich Schapiro, “Jersey City Councilman Steven Lipski is No. 1 threat at Washington club,” NY Daily News, November 9, 2008, www.nydailynews.com.
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65
FACT : In an October 2008 presidential debate, “Joe the Plumber” was mentioned twenty-six times, while more serious campaign issues like the troubled U.S. economy and Iraq were only mentioned sixteen times and six times, respectively. If only those other issues would disappear as quickly as Joe did.
Posted by Brian Montopoli, “Joe The Plumber’s Chat With Couric,” CBS News, October 16, 2008, www.cbsnews.com.
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66
FACT : Six-year-old Bennett Christiansen made headlines in 2008 when he was approved for his first credit card. Bank of America gave Christiansen a $600 credit limit even after he gave his actual birth date and listed his income truthfully as “$0” on the card application. “What’s in your jammies?”
Leah Hope, “Six-Year-Old Approved for Credit Card,” ABC Local, Chicago, June 18, 2008, http://abclocal.go.com.
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67
FACT : When Shanta Dargbeh’s ex-boyfriend took someone else to the prom in 2008, the New Jersey teen set fire to his home, burning it to the ground. Nice going, Carrie. Note to self: never cross a Jersey girl.
Associated Press, “Trenton Police Say Spurned Girl Set House on Fire,” NJ.com, May 24, 2008, www.nj.com.
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68
FACT : In 2008, a fifty-year-old woman from Saudi Arabia demanded a divorce in 2008 after her husband lifted her veil to view her face while she was asleep. She had concealed her face from him for thirty years. Because she looks like Jamie Farr.
“Divorce for Looking at Wife’s Face,” The Daily Telegraph, May 21, 2008, www.news.com.au.
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69
FACT : In January 2008, domestic violence expert Dean Tong was arrested for assaulting his wife. This was Tong’s third arrest, and his second involving domestic violence. How do you think he became an expert?