by Cary McNeal
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173
FACT : The sudden appearance of a sexually transmitted disease (STD) in a monogamous couple does not necessarily indicate infidelity by either partner. Some infections can lie dormant for years after initial exposure. That’s what I told my wife right before she hit me. I guess she wasn’t convinced.
Lois White and Gena Duncan, Medical-Surgical Nursing: An Integrated Approach, 2nd ed. (Cengage Learning, 2002).
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174
FACT : Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS) is a medical condition where a woman experiences “spontaneous, intrusive and unwanted” feelings of arousal in the genital area without sexual desire. PSAS can continue for days or months, is not abated by sexual activity, and causes distraction and psychological distress in sufferers. Congratulations, ladies. Now you know what it’s like to be a man.
Sandra Leiblum, “About PSAS,” Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome, www.psas.dreamhosters.com.
“Medical Mystery: Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome.” ABC News, February 21, 2008, http://abcnews.go.com.
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175
FACT : Human males, like rats, moths, and butterflies, give off a scent that has a physiological and psychological effect on the opposite sex. Researchers discovered that androstadienone, a chemical found in male sweat, raises levels of the hormone cortisol in women, resulting in enhanced mood and sexual arousal. My wife does get pretty excited when she sees a moth.
“Male sweat boosts women’s hormone levels,” Physorg.com, February 7, 2007, www.physorg.com.
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176
FACT : According to one researcher, women have a higher likelihood than men to settle for a mediocre sex life and unmet emotional needs. Most keep their dissatisfaction a secret from their partners, often due to a fear of emotional hurt or abandonment. Mediocre sex is better than no sex at all, isn’t it? That’s what I tell my wife.
Jeanna Bryner, “Women Settle for Mediocre Sex, Scientist Finds,” LiveScience, AOL Health, February 14, 2007, www.reference.aol.com.
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177
FACT : A study reveals that a cluster of genes linked to reproduction could predict the likelihood that a woman will cheat on her mate. In a survey of romantically involved couples, women whose major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes were similar to those of their mates reported decreased attraction to those partners. See, West Virginia, nature doesn’t want you to be turned on by your relatives.
Jeanna Bryner, “Genetic Test Could Reveal A Cheating Heart,” LiveScience, AOL Health, February 13, 2007, www.reference.aol.com.
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178
FACT : Use of an oral contraceptive might affect a woman’s ability to sniff out a partner. In a study where women were asked to sniff men’s sweaty shirts, those on the pill typically chose odors that were genetically similar to their own as being the most attractive. Human beings are inclined to go for genetically dissimilar mates. Obviously, this doesn’t apply to those people who admitted having sex with their cousins.
Jeanna Bryner, “Genetic Test Could Reveal A Cheating Heart,” LiveScience, AOL Health, February 13, 2007, wwwreference.aol.com.
“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent, September 13, 2008, www.independent.co.uk.
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179
FACT : Several traditional herbs are being studied for their aphrodisiac properties, including yohimbe, tribulus, and maca. Combinations of these are sold as “natural Viagra,” but be wary: their effectiveness is unproven, and some, like yohimbe, a type of tree bark, can be lethal if consumed in large quantities. Tree bark? Dude—spring for the Viagra.
“Top 10 Aphrodisiacs,” LiveScience, AOL Health, www.reference.aol.com.
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180
FACT : The average size of an erect penis is five inches, while the average flaccid penis is three and a half inches. Drugs and devices advertised to increase penis size are dismissed as scams. But you can’t blame a guy with a three-inch dong for trying.
Rob Baedeker, “Sex: Fact And Fiction,” WebMD, www.men.webmd.com.
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181
FACT : While a penis pump can be an effective treatment for erectile dysfunction, a pump will not permanently increase the size of your organ. In fact, a penis pump can cause numbness and permanent damage if improperly used. If I were a penis pump manufacturer, I’d try to use the hit song, “Pump Up The Jam,” in my commercials, except I’d change it to “Pump Up The Ham.” I think that would be memorable and sell a lot of pumps.
“Penis Pumps for Erectile Dysfunction: Improve Your Sexual Function,” Mayo Clinic, www.mayoclinic.com.
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182
FACT : Homosexuality stayed on the list of mental illnesses of the American Psychiatric Association until 1973. As did witchcraft, hysteria, alcoholism, left-handedness, drapetomania, and demonic possession. Turns out the list had not been updated since ’57. 1857.
Robert E. Hales and others, The American Psychiatric Publishing Textbook of Psychiatry, 5th ed. (American Psychiatric Publishing, 2008).
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183
FACT : During World War I, the French recorded more than 1 million cases of syphilis and gonorrhea, and the British suffered a loss of 23,000 men on average for seven-week hospital stays due to STDs. Well, the French are known as lovers. I’m not sure what got into the British.
Allan M. Brandt, No Magic Bullet: A Social History of Venereal Disease in the United States Since 1880 (Oxford University Press, 1987).
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184
FACT : The average U.S. male’s sperm count has declined 30 percent in the last three decades. I blame global warming. Or scrotal warming. I’m sure they are related. I should ask Al Gore.
John Robbins, Diet for a New America: How Your Food Choices Affect Your Health, Happiness, and the Future of Life on Earth, 2nd ed. (H J Kramer, 1998).
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185
FACT : The sale of sex toys and vibrators is banned in Alabama and Mississippi. Good call. We don’t really want to encourage sexual activity in those states, as it could lead to procreation.
Associated Press, “Appeals Court Overturns Texas Ban on Sex Toys,” MSNBC.com, February 13, 2008, www.msnbc.msn.com.
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186
FACT : Though treatable today through medical advancements, impotence has been considered grounds for divorce in many different cultures for centuries. Can you really call a bunch of dudes sitting around playing music and singing about how much they love their Viagra a medical advancement? Or the guy who can’t stop smiling because he always has a boner?
Angus McLaren, Impotence: A Cultural History (University of Chicago Press, 2007).
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187
FACT : “Beer goggles” aren’t just a myth: People do appear more attractive after a few drinks, according to researchers at the University of Bristol in England. Students who had consumed alcohol rated pictures of people their own age as being more attractive than did participants who had no alcohol. Booze: helping ugly people get laid since the dawn of time.
“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent, September 13, 2008, www.independent.co.uk.
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188
FACT : Wearing too much makeup can mask the scent that attracts men to women during ovulation.
An experiment found that a woman’s armpit scent was at its most attractive to men between the end of her cycle and ovulation, but that this smell is easily obscured by cosmetics. Trying to describe when an armpit scent is at its most attractive is like trying to say when vomit is at its tastiest.
“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent, September 13, 2008, www.independent.co.uk.
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189
FACT : Not all people are attracted to other humans. There are believed to be around forty objectum sexuals in the world who feel attraction, arousal,
love, and even commitment for an object instead of another person. Swede Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, for example, has been “married” to the Berlin Wall since 1979. Nobody has the heart to tell her they tore it down.
“The Facts of Life: Attraction,” The Independent, September 13, 2008, www.independent.co.uk.
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190
FACT : According to a study in Wales, sexual activity seems to have a preventative affect on male health. In several southern Welsh villages, risk for mortality was 50 percent lower for men with higher frequency of orgasm. I’m telling my wife about this.
“Sex and Death: Are They Related? Findings from the Caerphilly Cohort Study,” BMJ, December 20, 1997, www.bmj.com.
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191
FACT : In his landmark sex studies, researcher Alfred Kinsey found that 26 percent of women had engaged in extramarital sex by their forties, and that as many as one in six women aged twenty-six to fifty were engaged in extramarital sex at any given time. Many of them with Kinsey himself.
“Data from Alfred Kinsey’s Studies,” The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, Inc., www.kinseyinstitute.org.
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192
FACT : Kinsey also estimated that half of all married males engaged in extramarital sex during their marriages. Kinsey didn’t say which half had extramarital sex, but I’m guessing it was from the waist down.
“Data from Alfred Kinsey’s Studies,” The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, Inc., www.kinseyinstitute.org.
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193
FACT : Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome (TMS) is the habit of masturbating in a face-down position against a bed or floor, which puts excessive pressure on the penis, and can interfere with sexual relations. The most common problems TMS sufferers have are inorgasmia—inability to reach orgasm during intercourse—or delayed orgasm. Many TMS sufferers also experience erectile dysfunction. TMI.
“Facts about Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome,” Healthy Strokes, www.healthystrokes.com.
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194
FACT : Many popular antidepressants, particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor medications like Zoloft, Prozac, and Paxil, can lower libido and prevent orgasm. But then, depression isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac.
“Can Antidepressants Affect Orgasm?” Ask Dr. Laura Berman, Everyday Health, www.everydayhealth.com
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195
FACT : More than half of the women surveyed by Shere Hite in 1994 admitted faking orgasm, while fewer than half reported being brought to orgasm by a male partner through intercourse. I have no problems with a fake orgasm as long she sells it.
“Eleven Key Things About Orgasms,” The Observer, February 11, 2001, www.observer.guardian.co.uk.
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196
FACT : Masturbation was considered a sin in the late 1800s and early 1900s. Before the 1960s, excessive masturbation was thought to be a mental condition, a fixation on immature or undesirable behavior that led to adult sexual dysfunction. It’s probably still a sin, but nobody cares anymore.
“Masturbation: Techniques and Tips For Men And Women,” Sexual Health Resource, www.sexual-health-resource.org.
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197
FACT : The most common sexually transmitted infection is genital human papillomavirus, also known as HPV. About 20 million Americans are presently infected with HPV, with 6.2 million more becoming infected every year. At least half of sexually active men and women will acquire the infection in their lifetime. I was getting worried until I read “sexually active.” I’m safe.
“Sexually Transmitted Diseases: HPV,” Centers For Disease Control And Prevention, www.cdc.gov.
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198
FACT : On any given day, about 400 million people across the globe will have sexual intercourse, which means that about 4,000 people are probably having sex right now. Sadly, I am not one of them. Don’t laugh—neither are you.
“Ten Strange Sex Facts,” Seduction Labs, www.seductionlabs.org.
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199
FACT : The sexually transmitted disease chlamydia is caused by the bacterium Chlamydia trachomatis. Symptoms of chlamydia are usually mild, but serious cases can lead to irrevocable damage to the reproductive organs, chronic pelvic pain, and infertility, without a woman ever recognizing the problem. That’s two more votes for masturbation.
“Sexually Transmitted Diseases: HPV,” Centers For Disease Control And Prevention, www.cdc.gov.
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200
FACT : As much as 6 percent of the world’s population—more than 400 million people—suffer from addiction to sex. Probably the same 400 million who got it on today.
“Sex Addiction,” SexHelp.com, www.sexhelp.com.
CHAPTER 5
Will You
Survive the
9-to-5?
More Reasons to
Hate Your Job,
Your Boss, and Your
Idiot Coworkers
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201
FACT : Office desks have 400 times more bacteria than toilet seats. So, be safe and eat your lunch on a toilet instead of at your desk.
“Average Desk Harbors 400 Times More Bacteria Than Average Toilet Seat,” Medical-NewsService.com, March 31, 2002, www.medicalnewsservice.com.
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202
FACT : Telephones carry the most germs in an office, followed by desks, microwave door handles, water fountain handles and computer keyboards. You know what, just move your entire office to the bathroom.
“Average Desk Harbors 400 Times More Bacteria Than Average Toilet Seat,” Medical-NewsService.com, March 31, 2002, www.medicalnewsservice.com.
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203
FACT : The place where you rest your hands on your desk is home to 10 million bacteria at any given time. Well, not anymore.
Seven million of them just moved to your hand.
“Average Desk Harbors 400 Times More Bacteria Than Average Toilet Seat,” Medical-NewsService.com, March 31, 2002, www.medicalnewsservice.com.
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204
FACT : In a 2008 report, the AFL-CIO claimed that regulatory activity at the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) ground to a halt during the Bush Administration, with dozens of OSHA and Mine Safety and Health Administration (MSHA) standards pulled from the regulatory agenda.
“‘Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll of Neglect,” American Federation of Labor—Congress of Industrial Organizations, www.aflcio.org.
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205
FACT : The 2008 AFL-CIO report also claimed that new workplace hazards such as pandemic flu and bioterrorist threats aren’t adequately addressed by government labor policies. What? The Bush Administration put the interests of big business ahead of the needs of the American worker? No way!
“‘Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll of Neglect,” American Federation of Labor—Congress of Industrial Organizations, www.aflcio.org.
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206
FACT : At its current understaffed levels, it would take the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) 133 years to inspect each of the workplaces in its jurisdiction just once. That’s 133 years per staff member, so 266 years total.
“‘Death on the Job’ Report, 2008: The Toll of Neglect,” American Federation of Labor—Congress of Industrial Organizations, www.aflcio.org.
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207
FACT : In 2006, over 11,000 workers were made ill or injured on the job every day. Working every day makes me ill, too.