by Cary McNeal
“Six Dead after Workers Argue,” AJC.com, June 26, 2008, www.ajc.com.
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FACT : Occupational fraud schemes are most commonly committed by the accounting department or upper management. Executive frauds are particularly costly, resulting in a median loss of $850,000. I know lots of executive frauds. I’ve worked for several of them.
“2008 Report to the Nation on Occupational Fraud and Abuse,” Association of Certified Fraud Examiners, www.acfe.com.
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FACT : Hourly wages for 80 percent of U.S. workers have risen by just i percent after inflation since 1979. Hey, we got a raise!
Steven Greenhouse, The Big Squeeze: Tough Times for the American Worker (Random House, 2008).
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FACT : One out of three companies that go bankrupt each year do so as a result of employee theft.
Almost 80 percent of workers admit that they have, or would consider, stealing from their employers. If a few filched Post-It Notes and paper clips can drive a company out of business, they probably weren’t going to last long, anyway.
Nicole Jacoby, “Battling Workplace Theft,” CNN Money, August 19, 1999, www.money.cnn.com.
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FACT : Employees who steal rarely do so because of need. In one poll, almost half of respondents said they stole from their employer out of greed. Another 43 percent did so out of vindictiveness or “to get even.” Get even for what? You got a i percent raise!
Nicole Jacoby, “Battling Workplace Theft,” CNN Money, August 19, 1999, www.money.cnn.com.
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FACT : In 2007, former hedge-fund trader Andrew Tong filed suit against his supervisor at S.A.C. Capital Advisors in New York. The suit alleges that the supervisor had forced Tong to take female hormones and wear women’s clothing to curb his “aggressive male attitude so he could become a more obedient and detail-oriented player.” “Does this dress make me look aggressive?”
“The Top 20 Sexual-Harassment Cases of All Time,” HR World, www.hrworld.com.
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FACT : A UK woman claims that she was fired from her job in 2007 for chronic flatulence. The unnamed woman, who suffers from irritable bowel syndrome, says she was frequently harassed and taunted about her problem by coworkers before being terminated. That really stinks. What a bunch of asses. There’s a happy ending, though: she found work at the gas company.
Lucy Thornton, “Woman Fired Over Farting Claims,” Mirror. co.uk, May 12, 2007, www.mirror.co.uk
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FACT : In 2005, two former gorilla caretakers requested over $1 million worth of damages in a wrongful termination and sexual discrimination suit against The Gorilla Foundation in Woodside, California. The suit claimed that the two women were pressured to comply with famed gorilla Koko’s alleged sign-language request that they display their breasts. When they refused, the suit says, the two were fired. The fourteen-year-old sign-language interpreter was not named in the suit and kept his job.
“The Top 20 Sexual-Harassment Cases of All Time,” HR World, www.hrworld.com.
“Suit Says Gorilla Foundation Employees Urged To Undress For Koko,” FindLaw.com, March 11, 2005, www.findlaw.com.
CHAPTER 6
We Be
Illin’
The Sickening
Truth about
Your Health
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251
FACT : Demodex mites, or follicle mites, live in human skin. By some estimates, you have a colony of 1,000 to 2,000 living in your skin right now. When you touch someone or share fabrics with them, you’re trading follicle mites. Unless you touch someone’s heart, in which case you don’t give them follicle mites, but a warm fuzzy feeling inside. It’s a figure of speech, you see.
Yezid Gutiérrez, Diagnostic Pathology of Parasitic Infections with Clinical Correlations, 2nd ed. (Oxford University Press, 2000).
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FACT : Two of the most damaging human parasites are the malaria-causing Plasmodium and the flatworm Schistosoma, which causes schistosomiasis, an illness that damages internal organs and can negatively impact cognitive development and growth in children. Damn plasmodium. I knew I should’ve gone with the LCD instead. I bet those don’t give you malaria.
“Parasite,” Microsoft Encarta Online Encyclopedia 2008, www.encarta.msn.com.
“The Carter Center Schistoso-miasis Control Program,” The Carter Center, www.cartercenter.org.
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253
FACT : Humans develop schistosomiasis after contact with water containing snails infected by human waste. Snail larvae infiltrate the body and grow into adult worms up to half an inch long. They live in the bloodstream and can cause inflammation, organ enlargement, intestinal bleeding, bladder cancer, and death. I’ll take death. Thanks.
Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009, www.sciam.com.
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FACT : Approximately half the world’s population is infected with large roundworms, hookworms, or whipworms. A Columbia University parasitologist calls them the “unholy trinity.” I prefer to think of them as the intestinal worm version of the Marx brothers: Groucho (roundworm), Harpo (hookworm), and Chico (whipworm). The tapeworm, a less common intestinal parasite, is Zeppo, who didn’t always appear with the other three.
Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009, www.sciam.com.
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FACT : Hookworms attack the lungs, where their larvae cause coughing and shortness of breath, and the small intestine, where they suck blood from the intestinal walls and cause abdominal pain and anemia. Nothing that a pack or two of unfiltered Kools can’t fix.
Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009, www.sciam.com.
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FACT : Approximately 740 million people worldwide are plagued with hookworm, according to the World Health Organization. They’re the pale ones coughing up larva and bent double with stomach pain.
Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009, www.sciam.com.
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FACT : Ascariasis is the most common worm-related infection found in humans. Symptoms such as fever, shortness of breath, and wheezing result from roundworm larvae infesting the lungs. The larvae then migrate to the intestines, where they grow to resemble foot-long earthworms. Once again, I will take death over a foot-long earthworm in my ass, thanks.
Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009, www.sciam.com.
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FACT : Ascariasis affects as many as 1.5 billion people worldwide, causing 60,000 deaths per year. The ones who don’t die always have bait at the ready if they want to fish.
Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009, www.sciam.com.
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FACT : About 800 million people worldwide are infected with whipworm, which can cause diarrhea, weight loss, and anemia. In severe instances rectal prolapse can occur, in which the walls of the rectum protrude from the anus. You might know rectal prolapse by its colorful street name: ass tulip.
Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009, www.sciam.com.
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FACT : Unlike most parasitic worms that inhabit the intestines, lymphatic filariae live in the body’
s lymph system, where they can cause swelling of the legs, arms, breasts, and, in men especially, the genitalia. More than 120 million people worldwide are infected, a third of them disfigured by the condition. No man I know would object to enlarged genitalia.
Coco Ballantyne, “Worms ‘N Us: A Look at 8 Parasitic Worms That Live in Humans,” Scientific American, February 5, 2009, www.sciam.com.
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FACT : Every time your heart beats, it pumps a quarter of your blood to the head. Brain cells then process 20 percent of the oxygen and food your blood contains. Conditions that disrupt circulation, such as heart disease, diabetes, and stroke appear to increase the chances of developing dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. It’s like getting free sprinkles on your sundae. Except it’s a shit sundae, and the sprinkles are maggots.
“Risk Factors,” Alzheimer’s Association, www.alz.org.
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FACT : Humans with failing kidneys can’t survive long without an organ transplant or dialysis, a process by which a machine filters waste from the blood. Nitrogen in the form of urea builds up quickly in the blood and becomes toxic. Dialysis sounds fun. Another one for the bucket list.
Constanza Villalba, “Ten Lessons Medicine Can Learn from Bears,” Scientific American, January 6, 2009, www.sciam.com.
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FACT : According to a researcher at the Michigan Sinus Center, you can stay healthy and combat allergy symptoms by rinsing the nose with salt water. I’ve heard that a colonic is also good for you, but I won’t be doing that, either.
“Twenty-five Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Your Body and Health,” MSN Health, www.health.msn.com.
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FACT : Sickle cell disease is one of the most common genetic illnesses in America. Researchers estimate that it plagues more than 70,000, and that over 2 million carry the gene that could pass this affliction on to their children. And I used to bitch about getting my dad’s ugly feet.
“What You Don’t Know About Sickle Cell Disease,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, www.cdc.gov.
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265
FACT : Jaundice is a common condition that occurs in about 60 percent of newborn babies, but one that can indicate kernicterus, a devastating brain ailment. Ever hear the Old West legend of Jaundiced Jake? Probably not—he was yella.
“Most Parents Unaware of Possible Brain Damage from Untreated Jaundice,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, www.cdc.gov.
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266
FACT : Traumatic brain injury (TBI) is a serious health problem for people aged seventy-five and older, as they have the highest rates of TBIs and tend to recover more slowly or die from their injuries. TBI symptoms are subtle, and may not even appear until days or even weeks after the injury occurs. The rate of TBI in America is still TBD. Consider it TBA until further notice.
“Help Seniors Live Better, Longer: Prevent Brain Injury,” Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, www.cdc.gov.
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267
FACT : Blowing your nose when you have a cold might feel good, but it can actually worsen your condition. Blowing generates enormous pressure and propels mucus into the sinuses, spreading viruses or bacteria and potentially causing further infection. What’s the alternative? Just letting the snot run down your face?
Anahad O’Connor, “The Claim: Never Blow Your Nose When You Have a Cold,” New York Times, February 9, 2009, www.nytimes.com.
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FACT : Bacteria can grow and divide every twenty minutes, turning one bacterial cell into 16 million in just eight hours. Bacteria sound a lot like trivia facts.
Michael Stringer and C. Dennis, Chilled Foods: A Comprehensive Guide, 2nd ed. (Woodhead Publishing, 2000).
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269
FACT : Belly button lint is made up of clothing fibers, dead skin, and more. You should keep your navel clean and dry to prevent infection from candida, a type of fungus. That’s why I call it navel jam. Lint doesn’t fully capture the variety and complexity of the recipe.
Perry Garfinkel, The Male Body: An Owner’s Manual: The Ultimate Head-to-Toe Guide to Staying Healthy and Fit for Life (Rodale, 1996).
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270
FACT : Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a man’s inability to keep an erection long enough to perform sexual intercourse. As many as 80 percent of men seventy-five and older have erectile dysfunction, but the problem can occur at any age. Causes include lung, liver, heart, or kidney disease; endocrine system disorders such as diabetes; side effects of antidepressants and other medications; substance or alcohol abuse; and anxiety and depression. They should call premature ejaculation “projectile dysfunction (PD),” just for the sake of consistency.
“Erectile Dysfunction,” Mayo Clinic, www.mayoclinic.com.
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271
FACT : High heels are blamed by orthopedists for chronic back problems and postural difficulties. Wearing high-heel shoes regularly causes the tendon in the leg to shrink, making it painful to wear flat shoes. Some even blame high heels for problems with the internal organs in the abdomen, since the distortion of posture pushes the pelvic region out of normal alignment. But they’re so comfortable.
Robin Tolmach Lakoff and Raquel L. Scherr, Face Value, the Politics of Beauty: The Politics of Beauty (Routledge, 1984).
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272
FACT : Never share mascara, as this is the most common way that people pass on eye infections like conjunctivitis (pinkeye), which is highly contagious. I hope The Cure’s Robert Smith is reading this.
Stephen W. Moore, H. Winter Griffith, and Kenneth Yoder, Complete Guide To Symptoms, Illness & Surgery (Perigee, 2006).
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273
FACT : Up to 8 percent of American adults suffer from toenail fungus. Up to 100 percent of American adults suffer from the urge to hork when they see the commercial where the little cartoon fungus creature lifts up a toenail and climbs under it.
”Impact 07—Dermatology,” Bay Bio, 2007, www.baybio.org.
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274
FACT : A sneeze expels germ-filled droplets up to thirty feet. The water content of the droplets evaporates quickly, but thousands of virus cells remain suspended in the air and can infect others. This is why I like to sneeze in people’s hair. No germs are suspended in the air, plus it’s fun to watch the reactions, especially from strangers.
Jana Balaram, Preventive and Social Medicine (B. Jain Publishers, 2002).
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275
FACT : If you wear a ring, the number of germs living beneath it could be as high as the entire population of Europe. The smell is probably just as bad, too.
“Kitchen Habits Causing Food Poisoning Peril,” FoodLink Press notice, Food and Drink Federation, June 12, 2006, www.fdf.org.uk.
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276
FACT : The Centers for Disease Control ranked the United States 29th in the world in infant mortality for 2004. The United States fell from 12th in 1960 to 23rd in 1990, and is currently tied with Poland and Slovakia for infant mortality. Yes, but we kick their asses in soccer, so it evens out.
Kim Krisberg, “U.S. Lagging Behind Many Other Nations on Infant Mortality Rates: Healthy Behavior, Healthier Babies,” The Nation’s Health, American Public Health Association, February 2009, www.apha.org.
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FACT : The infant mortality rate in America in 2005 was 13.68 deaths per 1,000 live births among blacks, 8.06 among American Indians and Alaska natives, 8.3 among Puerto Ricans, and 5.76 among whites. I bet being .68 dead hurts. I think I’d rather just be fully dead.