by Cary McNeal
L. A. Tucker and G. M. Friedman, “Television Viewing and Obesity in Adult Males,” American Journal of Public Health, April 1989, 516–518.
* * *
613
FACT : Almost 60 percent of Americans know the Three Stooges by name, but just 17 percent are able to name three U.S. Supreme Court justices. Luckily, three of the justices are the Stooges.
“Television & Health: Television Statistics,” Compiled by TV-Free America, www.csun.edu.
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614
FACT : 75 percent of American women think they are fat, perhaps owing to the fact that American actresses and models are thinner than 95 percent of the female population. Which is why they are models and actresses. If we wanted to see fat people, we’d go to a family reunion, not the movies.
“Television & Health: Television Statistics,” Compiled by TV-Free America, www.csun.edu.
* * *
615
FACT : In a poll conducted by Newsweek in 2007, 41 percent of Americans continued to believe that Saddam Hussein’s Iraqi regime planned, financed, or carried out the September iith, 2001 terrorist attacks. The majority of people polled did not know most of the 9/11 hijackers hailed from Saudi Arabia. I would expect no less from people who believe that pork is the “other white meat” and Budweiser is “premium” beer.
Joerg Wolf, “More Americans Believe that Saddam Was Directly Involved in 9/11,” Atlantic Review, June 27, 2007, www.atlanticreview.org.
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616
FACT : The United States government first became debt-free in 1835—which was also the last time the government was debt-free. “Debt-free”? What is that?
”Weird, Wacky and Wonderful Facts about Our Amazing America—Did you Know?” Travel America, FindArticles.com, March 5, 2009, www.findarticles.com.
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617
FACT : It is against the law in several states to dance to the “Star Spangled Banner.” Shame, because it’s such a great dance song.
”Weird, Wacky and Wonderful Facts about Our Amazing America—Did you Know?” Travel America, FindArticles.com, March 5, 2009, www.findarticles.com.
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618
FACT : In 1992, Nike paid Michael Jordan $2 million to promote their shoes, as much money as the combined wages of all the workers in the factories that made them. But they all got free Nike “swoosh” headbands, which really help control the sweat on that three-hour walk to and from work every day.
Diana Elizabeth Kendall and others, Sociology in Our Times, 2nd ed. (Nelson Thomson Learning, 1999).
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619
FACT : In 2005, the American Nazi Party erected two signs using taxpayers’ money on roads outside Salem, Oregon. The racist group had adopted a stretch of highway, and their right of free speech guaranteed by the Constitution prohibited the Adopt-A-Highway program from censoring them. Whenever they clean up their stretch of road, it’s called, “White Trash Day.”
Niki Sullivan, “‘Nazi Party’ Adopts Highway Near Salem in Rural Oregon,” Spokesman Review, January 28, 2005, www.spokesmanreview.com.
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620
FACT : As of September 15, 2009, there are 103,516 Americans on waiting lists for organ transplants. I wonder how many of those are waiting on brains. Because I know a lot of people who aren’t using theirs.
Organ Procurement and Transplantation Network, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and the Health Resources and Services Administration, http://optn.transplant .hrsa.gov.
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621
FACT : Eight of every ten e-mails sent worldwide are spam. American companies lose an estimated $22 billion annually in time spent deleting junk e-mail. The other two of ten are hoaxes, chain mail, urban myths, and other crap with little flashing hearts and teddy bears, sent by your mom.
Swartz, Nikki, ”Deleting Spam Costs Businesses Billions,” Information Management Journal, May/Jun 2005, www.findarticles.com.
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622
FACT : 35 percent of Americans eat at a fast food restaurant at least once a week. And then 99 percent of them race home to take a dump. The other i percent can’t wait that long and have the added delight of going right there in Burger King. Or crapping their pants, which might actually be preferable.
“Consumers in Europe—Our Fast Food/Take Away Consumption Habits,” AC Nielsen, 2004, www.ie.nielsen.com.
* * *
623
FACT : In its first year at sea, dozens of seats on the newly launched luxury cruise liner, the Queen Mary 2, collapsed when obese American passengers sat down on them. They weren’t obese when the cruise started.
Olinka Koster, “QM2 Chairs Buckle Under Weighty Cruisers,” Daily Mail, www.dailymail.co.uk.
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624
FACT : In 2004, students at Alexandria Country Day School, a private elementary school in Virginia, got a surprise with their lunch: cafeteria workers accidentally served them pre-mixed margaritas left over from a staff party, mistaking it for limeade. Unlike the staff, the students kept their clothes on. Like the staff, several of them barfed.
Valerie Strauss, “‘Limeade’ Packs a Punch,” Washington Post, September 29, 2004, www.washingtonpost.com.
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625
FACT : A 1999 Gallup poll revealed that one in five Americans believes that the sun orbits Earth. Wait—it doesn’t?
Steve Crabtree, “New Poll Gauges Americans’ General Knowledge Levels,” Gallup, www.gallup.com.
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626
FACT : Less than 50 percent of American adults comprehend that the Earth revolves around the sun on a yearly basis. These are the same folks who think that Elvis is alive and Bigfoot is real, so you can’t really be surprised.
Steve Crabtree, “New Poll Gauges Americans’ General Knowledge Levels,” Gallup, www.gallup.com.
Peter Strupp and Alan Dingman, Fat, Dumb, and Ugly: The Decline of the Average American (Simon & Schuster, 2004).
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627
FACT : More Americans choke on toothpicks than any other object. Toothpicks injure almost 9,000 people every year. You have to chew them first, people.
Noel Botham, The Book of Useless Information (Perigee, 2006).
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628
FACT : Soft drinks represent the largest single source of added sugars in the American diet. The average American will drink fifty-four gallons of soft drinks in a year. Know what I love? Restaurants that charge for a soft drink refill. I just paid $2.39 for three cents’ worth of cola syrup and some soda water, and they want another fifty cents for a refill.
William D. McArdle, Frank I. Katch and Victor L. Katch, Exercise Physiology: Energy, Nutrition, and Human Performance, 6th ed. (Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, 2006).
* * *
629
FACT : The obesity rate in the United States doubled from 1988 to 2002.
Approximately 65 percent of adult Americans are either obese or overweight. But they all intend to lose it. No, really. They’re getting a treadmill.
“Prevalence of Overweight and Obesity Among Adults: United States, 1999–2002,” National Center for Health Statistics, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, www.cdc.gov.
* * *
630
FACT : . The newborn mortality rate in America is more than twice that of Finland, Iceland, or Norway. The only developed country in the world where the newborn death rate surpasses the United States is Latvia. You can’t really blame anyone for not wanting to be Latvian.
Jeff Green, “U.S. Has Second Worst Newborn Death Rate in Modern World, Report Says,” CNN, May 10, 2006, www.cnn.com.
* * *
631
FACT : Can you find Iraq on a map? About 14 percent of Americans between eighteen and twenty-four cannot, and 18 percent can’t find Afghanistan. Which is why the Army recruits from that age group.
Peter Str
upp and Alan Dingman, Fat, Dumb, and Ugly: The Decline of the Average American (Simon & Schuster, 2004).
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632
FACT : Ten percent of Americans between eighteen and twenty-four can’t find the United States on a blank world map. Shhh, I’m watching The Hills!
Peter Strupp and Alan Dingman Fat, Dumb, and Ugly: The Decline of the Average American (Simon & Schuster, 2004).
* * *
633
FACT : In 1976, only 16 percent of Americans said they believed in ghosts.
By 2000, that number had risen to 33 percent. In related news, idiots are breeding faster than nonidiots.
Peter Strupp and Alan Dingman, Fat, Dumb, and Ugly: The Decline of the Average American (Simon & Schuster, 2004).
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634
FACT : Research shows that the average American has one more hour of free time every day than he did in 1965, but spends 40 percent less time with his children now.
That’s why they call it free time.
Peter Strupp and Alan Dingman. Fat, Dumb, and Ugly: The Decline of the Average American (Simon & Schuster, 2004).
* * *
635
FACT : Seventy percent of Americans cannot identify the source of the phrase, “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”
But then, not everyone watches Superman.
Peter Strupp and Alan Dingman, Fat, Dumb, and Ugly: The Decline of the Average American (Simon & Schuster, 2004).
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636
FACT : Twenty-eight million Americans use indoor tanning booths every year. Perhaps it is no coincidence, then, that the per capita rate for melanoma has increased by 100 percent in the last thirty years. Well, tanning beds do look a lot like coffins.
Peter Strupp and Alan Dingman, Fat, Dumb, and Ugly: The Decline of the Average American (Simon & Schuster, 2004).
* * *
637
FACT : Thanks to technology like TV screens in grocery stores and airports, cell phone videos, and digital movie libraries, the average American sees sixty-one minutes of ads and promotions on television every day. That’s still not enough to make me want to eat at McDonald’s or drive a Ford.
Brian Stelter, “Eight Hours a Day Spent on Screens, Study Finds,” New York Times, March 26, 2009, www.nytimes.com.
* * *
638
FACT : From 1997 to 1998, the The National Rifle Association, America’s largest gun rights lobby, gave $1.3 million to Republican candidates for federal offices and $285,700 to Democrat candidates.
Handgun Control, Inc., the largest gun-control lobby in the United States, gave about $137,000 to Democrats and $9,500 to Republicans. Guns don’t kill people. Gun lobbies kill people.
“Gun Control,” Just Facts, www.justfacts.com.
* * *
639
FACT : The Brady Bill and Assault Weapons Ban were enacted in 1993. In the five years that followed, nine school shooting massacres occurred. I guess the “ban” is still a work in progress.
“Gun Control,” Just Facts, www.justfacts.com.
* * *
640
FACT : Studies show that American presidential speeches today are geared to the comprehension level of an average seventh grader. Fifty years ago, presidents spoke to Americans at a twelfth-grade level. From 2001 to 2008, former president George W. Bush spoke to Americans at a first-grade level.
Rick Shenkman, Just How Stupid Are We?: Facing the Truth About the American Voter (PublicAffairs, 2009).
* * *
641
FACT : Just five days before the 2008 election, 23 percent of Texans still believed—erroneously—that Barack Obama was Muslim. I could make an entire chapter on screwy things that Texans believe.
Richard S. Dunham, “UT Poll Shows McCain, Cornyn with Comfortable Margins,” Houston Chronicle, October 29, 2008, www.chron.com.
* * *
642
FACT : Only a quarter of Americans know two or more of the five freedoms set forth by the First Amendment. More than 50 percent of Americans can name two or more members of the cartoon Simpsons family. Yes, well, The Simpsons haven’t disappeared for years at a time.
Rick Shenkman, Just How Stupid Are We?: Facing the Truth About the American Voter (PublicAffairs, 2009).
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643
FACT : A majority of Americans don’t know that we are the only country that has used nuclear weapons in war. Many Americans can’t even pronounce “nuclear,” so, once again, not surprising.
Rick Shenkman, Just How Stupid Are We?: Facing the Truth About the American Voter (PublicAffairs, 2009).
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644
FACT : Half of Americans believe that the president has the power to suspend the Constitution. Some of them were presidents themselves. Isn’t that right, Mr. Bush?
Rick Shenkman, Just How Stupid Are We?: Facing the Truth About the American Voter (PublicAffairs, 2009).
* * *
645
FACT : The Strategic Task Force on Education Abroad assessed Americans’ knowledge of world affairs in 2003, concluding that “America’s ignorance of the outside world” is a “national liability” that creates a threat to our security. Not to be confused with The Strategic Ass Force on Educatin’ A Broad.
Rick Shenkman, Just How Stupid Are We?: Facing the Truth About the American Voter (PublicAffairs, 2009).
Burton Bollag, “Report Urges Federal Effort to Triple Number of Students Studying Abroad,” Institute Of International Education, Chronicle of Higher Education, November 21, 2003, www.opendoors.iienetwork.org.
* * *
646
FACT : More than 50 percent of U.S. workers don’t use all of their paid vacation time; 30 percent say they don’t even take half. For some Americans, every day at work is a paid vacation.
“Do Us A Favor, Take A Vacation,” BusinessWeek, May 21, 2007, www.businessweek.com.
* * *
647
FACT : Forty-two percent of American professionals say they are “regularly” forced to cancel vacation plans. The only way you’ll force me to cancel a vacation is with a gun to my head, and even then I’ll lie about canceling it.
“Do Us A Favor, Take A Vacation,” BusinessWeek, May 21, 2007, www.businessweek.com.
* * *
648
FACT : Karoshi—the phenomenon of being worked to death—is a Japanese phenomenon. Even the Japanese take more vacation than Americans. Karoshi—because karaoke wasn’t enough punishment already.
“Do Us A Favor, Take A Vacation,” BusinessWeek, May 21, 2007, www.businessweek.com.
* * *
649
FACT : Seven percent of Americans believe that Elvis Presley is still alive, even though the singer died in 1977. Interestingly, the percentage is even higher (ii percent) among people under age thirty, the group least likely to be Elvis fans. Elvis is dead, trust me. If he were alive, he would deny the story that he died on the crapper. That’s just embarrassing.
“The King’s Popularity Contest,” CBS News Polls, August 11, 2002, www.cbsnews.com.
* * *
650
FACT : In a 2008 poll, 41 percent of respondents said they believe that creatures like Bigfoot exist. I didn’t—until I got a good look at Rosie O’Donnell.
“CNN Poll,” BigfootForums.com, www.bigfootforums.com.
CHAPTER 14
Open Wide
and Say,
“Oh, S#*t”