by Cary McNeal
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575
FACT : A zorilla, or striped polecat, is a type of weasel that resembles a skunk, and is arguably the world’s smelliest animal. If threatened, the zorilla ejects a powerful, foul-smelling fluid from its anus into the face of its assailant with impressive accuracy. Babies can do that, too.
Robert Burton, International Wildlife Encyclopedia, 3rd ed. (Marshall Cavendish, 2002).
“Ictonyx Striatus,” University Of Michigan Museum Of Zoology, www.animaldiversity.ummz .umich.edu.
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576
FACT : An adult tiger can kill its prey with a single bite, and can eat a large amounts of food—up to 180 lbs—in just a few days. Whew. I’m safe.
Valmik Thapar, Land of the Tiger: A Natural History of the Indian Subcontinent (University of California Press, 1997).
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577
FACT : A giraffe has twelve-inch hooves and legs that can kick in all four directions with incredible power. Giraffe kicks have been known to decapitate lions. I bet lions hate that.
Lynn Sherr, Tall Blondes: A Book about Giraffes (Andrews McMeel, 1997).
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578
FACT : Female marsupials have three vaginal openings, and males have a bifurcated, or forked, penis. There’s a limerick in there somewhere.
Luis P. Villarreal, Viruses and the Evolution of Life (ASM Press, 2005).
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579
FACT : In 2009, a 200-pound chimpanzee attacked an elderly Connecticut woman, crushing her hands and ripping large chunks from her scalp, face, jaw, and eyes. Medics at first had trouble determining if the victim was a man or a woman. Did it really matter at that point?
“Some Injuries Too Much Even for Doctors to Handle Alone,” ABCNews.com, February 24, 2009, www.abcnews.go.com.
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580
FACT : Elephants may appear friendly and approachable, but don’t be fooled: these unpredictable giants cause an estimated 300–500 fatalities a year. Even tame, trained elephants have been known to attack without provocation and kill zoo-keepers who have been with them for as long as fifteen years. Elephant to her shrink: “I tried to forget all the hurtful things he said to me over the years, but I couldn’t.”
“The 10 Most Dangerous Animals in the World,” AOL Travel, www.travel.aol.co.uk.
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581
FACT : In 1972, the Chandka Forest area in India was hit by a heat wave so brutal, it caused elephant herds to stampede through five villages, leaving a trail of devastation and twenty-four fatalities. And nobody heard them coming?
David Wallechinsky, The New Book of Lists: The Original Compendium of Curious Information (Canongate U.S., 2005), 397.
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582
FACT : The hippopotamus is a highly aggressive animal, and one of Africa’s most deadly. Hippos will charge, trample, and gore victims with alarming ferocity, and have upended boats and canoes to feast on victims inside, despite being herbivores. They are sensitive about their weight, and the whole “hungry, hungry hippo” thing makes them furious.
“The 10 Most Dangerous Animals in the World,” AOL Travel, www.travel.aol.co.uk.
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583
FACT : Crocodiles are ferocious killers that cause 600–800 human deaths every year. Crocs attack with terrifying speed, launching themselves out of the water to snare prey, which they drag underwater and spin repeatedly in a death roll until the victim is drowned or too disoriented to fight back. Death roll—sounds like something a croc orders at a sushi bar.
“The 10 Most Dangerous Animals in the World,” AOL Travel, www.travel.aol.co.uk.
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584
FACT : Big cat attacks on humans cause an estimated 800 fatalities a year—and they are increasing, particularly attacks by tigers in Africa and India, and mountain lions in North America. Experts blame the increase on destruction of the animals’ natural habitats and a decline in prey species. I think we got the better end of that deal. Tigers are bad news. So are mountain lions, but the news is worse with tigers.
“The 10 Most Dangerous Animals in the World,” AOL Travel, www.travel.aol.co.uk.
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585
FACT : If a swan hisses at you, take heed. Swans have been known to capsize boats, attack humans on jet skis, and strangle dogs to death. They kill by holding their victim’s head under the water until it drowns. I think I just found a new prey species for big cats.
“The 10 Most Dangerous Animals in the World,” AOL Travel, www.travel.aol.co.uk.
“The UK’s Deadliest Creatures,” AOL Travel, www.travel.aol.co.uk.
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586
FACT : Because of deadly attacks, the United Kingdom’s 1991 Dangerous Dogs Act forbids ownership of aggressive breeds—Pit bulls, Dogo Argentino, Japanese Tosa, and Fila Brasileira— without a special permit, which is only issued after a dog has been insured, neutered, given a special tattoo, and fitted with an identity chip. Pit bulls are only aggressive if you raise them that way. At least that’s what the lady on the news said. The one who was being interviewed after her dog mauled a four-year-old child.
“The UK’s Deadliest Creatures,” AOL Travel, www.travel.aol.co.uk.
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587
FACT : At 1,500 pounds and wielding two large, sharp horns, the cape buffalo is not an animal to cross. These unpredictable creatures will charge head-on when threatened, sometimes in groups, and can reach a top speed of 35 mph. The top speed of a human is less than 30 mph—and that’s a professional sprinter, not you—so you can’t outrun the buffalo. But as long as you can outrun at least one person in your safari group, you’re good.
“Top 10 Deadliest Animals,” LIVEScience, www.livescience.com.
“The Cape Buffalo: A Very Dangerous Animal,” Africa On The Matrix, www.on-the-matrix.com.
“Buffalo,” African Wildlife Federation, www.awf.org.
Matthew Herper, “What’s The Human Speed Limit?” Forbes.com, May 14, 2004, www.forbes.com.
* * *
588
FACT : A polar bear can rip the head off a human with one swipe of its paw. Ha, my mom could do that with just a look.
“Top 10 Deadliest Animals,” LIVEScience, www.livescience.com.
* * *
589
FACT : Almost 4 million cats and dogs are euthanized every year in U.S. animal shelters. Hopefully more cats than dogs. Cats are buttholes.
“Introducing PETA’s ABC Campaign,” PETA, www.peta.org.
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590
FACT : The skunk’s anal musk is so powerful that it can cause temporary blindness if sprayed directly into the eyes. Sounds a lot like my Uncle Phil. His anal musk could make your hair bleed.
“Ten of the Most Bizarre Animal Defense Mechanisms,” WebEcoist, November 4, 2008, www.webecoist.com.
* * *
591
FACT : If cornered, an opossum can foam at the mouth to convince a predator that it is toxic or sick, or discharge an anal fluid that smells almost as bad as a skunk’s spray. Unfortunately, neither of these works on a speeding car.
“Ten of the Most Bizarre Animal Defense Mechanisms,” WebEcoist, November 4, 2008, www.webecoist.com.
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592
FACT : A dead whale spontaneously exploded while in transit on a truck in 2004. Internal pressure caused by methane gas build up within the body was the cause. I’m sure that smelled wonderful.
“A Brief History of Actual Exploding Animals,” WebEcoist, September 5th, 2008, www.webecoist.com.
* * *
593
FACT : A resurgent wild turkey population caused problems in Boston in 2008, chasing joggers and schoolchildren, often in large mobs of birds. Note to Boston: wild turkey is edible.
Tim Dowling, “A Beginner’s Guide to Beating off these Vicious Predators,” The Guardian, May 13, 2008, www.guardian.co.uk.
594
FACT : The largest predatory fish in the world is the great white shark. They average fifteen feet in length, though great whites as long as twenty feet have been documented. Over 100 shark attacks occur worldwide each year and 30–50 percent of them are caused by great whites. The great white can also swim up to 15 mph. Know what cannot? You.
“Great White Shark Profile,” National Geographic, www.animals.nationalgeographic.com.
* * *
595
FACT : The largest lizard native to the United States is the venomous Gila monster, which can grow up to two feet long. Though rarely fatal, the Gila’s bite is extremely painful; unlike snakes, which inject venom, the lizard will latch onto victims and chew, allowing neurotoxins to move through its teeth and into the open wound. Fatal actually sounds better in this case.
“Gila Monster Profile,” National Geographic, www.animals.nationalgeographic.com.
* * *
596
FACT : The black mamba is widely considered the world’s deadliest snake. Territorial and aggressive, the black mamba strikes repeatedly to kill its prey with powerful venom. One of Africa’s longest venomous snakes, the mamba can grow up to fourteen feet long, and is also among the fastest snakes in the world, moving at up to twelve and a half miles per hour. What, no wings?
“Snakes,” National Geographic, www.animals.nationalgeographic.com.
“Snakebit: Surviving The Black Mamba,” ABC News, www.abcnews.go.com.
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597
FACT : The Western diamondback is among the largest and most aggressive rattlesnake species, biting more people in the United States every year than any other venomous snake. The Western is almost identical to his cousin, the Eastern diamondback, except for the little cowboy hat.
“Snakes,” Photo Gallery, National Geographic, www.animals.nationalgeographic.com.
“Western Diamondback Rattlesnake,” Washington Nature Mapping Program, www.depts.washington.edu.
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598
FACT : Pigs can become alcoholics. No. Too easy.
FactLib.com, www.factlib.com.
* * *
599
FACT : Two snakes cause more human deaths than any others in the world: the Russell’s viper and the spectacled cobra, named for the eyeglass design on its flared hood. Both are extremely venomous and found in highly populated areas in Southeast Asia. Highly populated for now, that is.
“Snakes,” Photo Gallery, National Geographic, www.animals.nationalgeographic.com.
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600
FACT : The cassowary is the world’s most dangerous bird: it weighs over a hundred pounds, can run thirty miles per hour, and jump over three feet high. New Guinea tribesmen use the cassowary’s sharp claws as spearheads. Attacks on humans have resulted in broken bones and even death. Why aren’t we eating these things?
Brendan Borrell, “Invasion of the Cassowaries,” Smithsonian Magazine, October 2008, www.smithsonianmag.com.
CHAPTER 13
The Fruited
Plain
Frightening Facts
about America
and Americans
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601
FACT : It is illegal in Alabama to operate a vehicle while you are blindfolded. It is also illegal in Alabama to marry your sister, but that doesn’t stop anybody.
Alex Wade, “The World’s Strangest Laws,” Times Online, August 15, 2007, www.business.timesonline.co.uk.
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602
FACT : It is illegal to get a fish intoxicated in the state of Ohio. And not really necessary if you buy it a nice dinner and sweet talk it a little.
Alex Wade, “The World’s Strangest Laws,” Times Online, August 15, 2007, www.business.timesonline.co.uk.
* * *
603
FACT : It is illegal for unmarried women to parachute in Florida on Sundays; violators can be arrested. As they should be. From that altitude, Florida looks like a giant penis, and no unmarried woman should be looking at that, especially on the Lord’s day.
Alex Wade, “The World’s Strangest Laws,” Times Online, August 15, 2007, www.business.timesonline.co.uk.
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604
FACT : You should never carry concealed weapons longer than six feet in the state of Kentucky—the offense is punishable by law. Is that a howitzer in your pants or are you just glad to see me?
Alex Wade, “The World’s Strangest Laws,” Times Online, August 15, 2007, www.business.timesonline.co.uk.
* * *
605
FACT : It is not legal to own pets in Boulder, Colorado—locals are considered “pet minders” only. It is also illegal to kill a bird. Two good laws, because anyone who owns a bird usually wants to kill it after a day or two.
Alex Wade, “The World’s Strangest Laws,” Times Online, August 15, 2007, www.business.timesonline.co.uk.
* * *
606
FACT : Vermont women must get written permission from their husbands before they get false teeth. Some men prefer their women toothless, if you know what I mean (wink wink).
Alex Wade, “The World’s Strangest Laws,” Times Online, August 15, 2007, www.business.timesonline.co.uk.
* * *
607
FACT : Famed American comedian Groucho Marx took LSD and smoked pot in the late 1960s. That explains the elephant in his pajamas.
Russell Kick, Disinformation Book of Lists: Subversive Facts and Hidden Information in Rapid-Fire Format (The Disinformation Company, 2004).
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608
FACT : Average Americans watch over four hours of TV per day: that’s twenty-eight hours each week, two months each year. That accounts for nine years for the average sixty-five-year-old person. And he still won’t finish Ken Burns’ Baseball.
“Television & Health: Television Statistics,” Compiled by TV-Free America, www.csun.edu.
* * *
609
FACT : Collectively, Americans spend 250 billion hours watching television every year.
If spent working for a $5 per hour wage, this time would be worth $1.25 trillion. I don’t think five bucks an hour is enough to pull anybody away from the TV.
“Television & Health: Television Statistics,” Compiled by TV-Free America, www.csun.edu.
* * *
610
FACT : When polled, more than half of four- to six-year-olds pick watching television over spending time with their fathers. Probably because spending time with your dad usually involves being put to work in some way.
“Television & Health: Television Statistics,” Compiled by TV-Free America, www.csun.edu.
* * *
611
FACT : By the time they finish elementary school, American children have seen 8,000 murders on TV.
By the time they graduate high school, they witness 200,000 violent acts and 40,000 murders. Or you can just save him some time and let him watch the movie 300.
“Television & Health: Television Statistics,” Compiled by TV-Free America, www.csun .edu.
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612
FACT : One-third of American adults are overweight. According to a study by the American Journal of Public Health, adults who watch three hours of TV a day are more likely to be obese than those who watch less than sixty minutes a day. Who can watch TV without a few chips? I know I can’t.