by Clancy Nacht
Forrest rubbed his glistening forehead with the back of his hand. “That’s really fucked-up.”
Then Forrest’s face clouded over and his jaw set. He scowled at Corey, then at Edwin. “You and Corey should hook up if that’s all you wanted. I know I’m stupid, but I thought…”
Forrest stumbled back a step, looking disoriented, and then shook his head and turned to leave. “Doesn’t matter. I’m done.”
Chapter Ten
It was only as Edwin watched Forrest walk away that his brain caught up to the situation. It hadn’t occurred to him that Forrest might believe Edwin had a straight-guy fetish until it was too late. Now that Forrest was leaving, Edwin could only stare wistfully at the way his muscles flowed beneath that white tank, his shoulders bunching and flexing. He’d never wanted anyone so badly in his life.
He’d never meant to hurt Forrest, and apparently he’d truly wounded him, though Edwin wasn’t sure when or how he’d gotten such influence over the younger man. Forrest was so difficult to read, but he must’ve picked up on all the yearning signals Edwin had tried not to send.
If what Corey had said was true, if Forrest had made love to him, if it wasn’t just a fuck for either of them, then Edwin had done more damage—to his vow to Howard, to Forrest, to their friendship—than he’d realized.
That thought forced Edwin to stand silent as Forrest reached the Mustang and climbed in. He wanted nothing more than to run after him and explain that it was more complicated than that. That he was fucked-up, but it wasn’t—
Wasn’t what?
It was one thing for Edwin to daydream of spending every night in Forrest’s arms, and another for Forrest to entertain the same thoughts. The fantasy made him feel guilty enough, but if they acted on it…
Edwin didn’t know if he had the strength to do the right thing by Howard’s memory if Forrest wanted him. He’d only allowed such weakness because he’d believed nothing could come of it. After all this time spent trying to be a better man, he hadn’t changed at all.
Despite Edwin’s intellect, there was no simple way to express to Forrest all the self-loathing and doubt Edwin held inside every day, his constant companions all these years. If he wasn’t moving on, nothing he said could change Forrest’s disappointment in him.
Struggling against a sense of loss at once new and more familiar than anything else in his life, Edwin fumbled in his cargo pockets for his phone. He found a cab company, gave a ring, and watched Forrest drive out of his life as he waited for his taxi.
By the time he got home, he couldn’t do more than walk like a zombie into his bathroom and turn on the shower. He’d cared this deeply about only two men in his life, and he’d wronged both of them. No washing could remove the filth from his soul, but he had to try.
✽ ✽ ✽
Knowing Forrest was upset made the next few days almost impossible to face. Edwin woke up and went to work, still struggled with the guilt and loneliness that had been devouring him for years, but now there was a new weight to carry.
Work passed in a blur, and he fell behind on grading papers. It was difficult to think about anything but what had happened.
As he lay in bed at night—the scene of the crime—Edwin thought of the signals he’d missed or misread. He thought of the scars covering Forrest’s body. He supposed now he knew why his stepdad would have abused him like that. He thought of Susie telling him Forrest was so sweet and felt more than he ever showed. Corey had laughed when Forrest told him he loved him, had laughed to his face that Forrest thought the sex meant anything.
Edwin wondered whether Forrest had slept with anyone else during his supposedly casual arrangement with Corey. He wasn’t sure whether he hoped or dreaded that he was the first. He did know that he’d never been taken so completely, had never felt so totally consumed by another man. None of his wild experimenting had ever led to an encounter as intense as his with Forrest.
And, guilty as it made him feel, deep down Edwin knew that if Howard had fucked like Forrest, he wouldn’t have wanted anyone else. It hadn’t been Howard’s fault. Edwin knew that.
It wasn’t as if Edwin had been everything Howard needed either. That was the whole point of the vow. He was supposed to be learning from his youthful errors.
At what point had the vow become a convenient habit—an excuse to avoid life?
Howard had been reasonable, restrained, with a goofy, lovable center that made him irresistible to Edwin. His practicality had offset Edwin’s preoccupation with the abstract; his schedules, rules, and settled approach to life had taught Edwin how to succeed in ways the crazy Blais family hadn’t. That those traits hadn’t made Howard an earthshaking lover did nothing to change how perfect he’d been for Edwin; he wouldn’t have made it through school without Howard, let alone landed his dream job.
Still, he couldn’t help wishing he’d had that kind of visceral connection with Howard, somehow, before it had been too late. Maybe if he had, he wouldn’t be aching for someone he’d never meant to get close to. Maybe what he thought was love for Forrest was an echo. Forrest’s stoicism and clueless charm reminded him of Howard, as did the way Frannie loved him.
That might be all it was. That would be natural, right?
How could he compare them to one another? They belonged to different eras. One was the Bronze Age, the other, the Iron. If iron was stronger than bronze, it was only because time and experience taught man the forging of a more perfect alloy.
The next week passed in silence. People’s words came to Edwin from far away just as they had after Howard died. He moved as if underwater, every motion taking more effort than it should, but his entire being floated, suspended in some nebulous state that might at any moment end in suffocation. He had no words to offer Forrest, and Forrest did not call. Edwin changed his route to work so he no longer drove past James Auto & Body. He doubted Forrest wanted to catch sight of the Golden Hawk any more than Edwin wanted to see Betty, and Francesca’s pitiful yowling was less if she didn’t see Nasty’s home.
✽ ✽ ✽
“Knock, knock.”
The words roused Edwin from fruitless contemplation. He looked up to see Dr. Conrad standing in the doorway of his office.
“Hey. You need something?” Edwin fumbled with the stacks of still-unmarked essays on his desk, trying to look busier than he was.
“I’ve been invited to a gallery opening. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather take along. Please? I’ve seen you moping around more than usual lately. It’ll be good for you, whatever’s wrong.”
Edwin frowned, knowing the confusion showed on his face because he couldn’t summon the wit to hide it.
Dr. Conrad continued as if Edwin had offered encouragement instead of a blank stare. “Tomorrow night at six. There’ll be champagne and hors d’oeuvres provided, but I should like to take you to dinner after.”
“I have to grade papers.”
Dr. Conrad laughed, his pleasant face betraying only minor irritation as he stepped into the office and closed the door behind him. “On Friday night?”
“Good Lord, is it Thursday already?” Edwin glanced at the monitor to one side of his desk, moving his mouse to hover over the time and pull up the date. It had been almost two weeks since he’d seen Forrest.
He shook his head, more disoriented than ever. “I could have sworn it was only Wednesday.”
“They warned me you were eccentric, but I’d no idea you fit the absentminded-professor mold so well.”
Edwin studied his colleague. His whole air stank of pretension.
“I’m afraid I spend my weekends with my television, my cat, and my car. Creature of habit.”
“Be that as it may, Edwin, gentlemen like ourselves should stick together, don’t you think?” Dr. Conrad sat on the edge of Edwin’s desk. There was something seductive about the gesture, but instead of being aroused, Edwin could only compare the man to Forrest and find him lacking. He’d take hesitant and earnest over cocky and slick any day
.
“Like ourselves?”
“Older but fit, highly educated, of a certain financial means and social persuasion. Sexy in that underrated genius way.” Dr. Conrad laughed again as if he found Edwin’s reticence precious. “I’ve not met anyone else since I’ve been here who fits the bill like you do. I think we could be good together. C’mon, Edwin.”
“I’m not free to pursue a relationship.” As Edwin said it, he realized he meant because of a certain handsome blond, not because of Howard. He stared at Dr. Conrad, then turned to look at where Francesca dozed in the corner. “But let’s get an outside opinion.”
Edwin rose and gathered Francesca in his arms. She nuzzled him and gave a sleepy meow as he approached the other professor. “This is Francesca. She is my joy and my life. Say hello.”
Dr. Conrad’s sharp green eyes locked with Francesca’s. For a moment, it looked as though the professor would laugh.
Then Francesca let out a prodigious hiss. The hairs on her back rose as she bared her fangs.
The man backed away, looking terrified. “I’ll just go.”
Edwin nodded, not sure whether to be disappointed that Dr. Conrad ran away.
“Mrowr.” Francesca butted her head under Edwin’s chin and purred, a loud, reassuring sound he didn’t hear often these days. Then she stopped abruptly and bit him hard enough to make him wince.
Edwin rubbed his chin with one hand and sighed. “I don’t know what to do, Frannie. This wasn’t in the plan.”
That night, on his way home, he drove past the garage. He thought about knocking, seeing if Forrest would give him the time of day. But then what?
He had nothing to offer except confusion.
Chapter Eleven
After Dr. Conrad stirred up so much unpleasantness Thursday afternoon, Edwin spent Friday morning in a fog of obsessive ideation. His thinking locked into a cycle of self-recrimination. He thought of how he’d mistreated every man who’d ever wanted him, the gloominess flowing into self-pity that he was doomed to a lifetime alone.
As he stood before his class, he looked out at their faces, trying to remember names but lacking the mental stamina to juggle so much at once. His lesson plan seemed removed from reality; he couldn’t teach what he’d planned.
Instead, he found Jenna’s face in the sea of students and focused on it. Her displeasure was palpable. She must know how Forrest was doing, how stupid Edwin had been.
“Ancient Greece was a place of poverty and luxury existing side by side, much as our modern United States. Rather than deifying pop stars and sex-tape heiresses, however, they held up the philosopher, the professor, and the statesman as worthy of celebrity. Despite that, we see from Socrates that great genius and a deep understanding of the world and its workings does not exempt one from suicide, from tragedy, or from making grave misjudgments and mistakes.
“Sometimes the wisest, the most educated and intelligent, are those who are most aware of all that is wrong in their world and their own souls. Sometimes they are the ones who feel most helpless to right them.”
Edwin paused and turned to draw on the board the ouroboros that he saw behind his eyelids at every blink, the mythical figure of a serpent swallowing its own tail. “Plato said this was the first living being, that which needed no eyes to see because there was nothing to behold, that which needed no ears or organs because it did not exist beyond itself, nor did the universe exist but as void.”
Edwin hesitated, staring at the board and feeling the confused stares of his students on his back. He ruffled his hair with one hand, feeling chalk dust sift onto his face and scalp. Shaking his head in irritation, he huffed and tried to come up with some further on-the-spot stroke of genius.
Turning halfway, he caught Jenna’s eye and then glanced back at the chalk drawing. “To excel at life, one must realize we do not live in a void. We cannot. The void does not sustain life, and history has shown over and over what happens when a man, a woman, or a leader gets lost in their own ideas and obsessions: They devour themselves.
“This is both a symbol of eternity and a cautionary figure warning of self-destruction brought on by self-focus. That which cannot see, hear, or perceive accurately what exists beyond itself can neither thrive nor evolve. It is doomed to exist alone, for it does not allow for existence beyond itself.”
Edwin glanced at his watch; there was still more than half an hour of lecture time, but it was Friday. No one would complain if they got out early.
Holding Jenna’s gaze, he said, “Your assignment is to research Ouroboros and its place in the ancient world. Relate it to tragedies and mistakes that are doomed to be repeated. Delineate in which manners those things could have been avoided through better awareness, intelligence, or counsel. I’ll expect to discuss this next week.
“Class is dismissed. Ms. Kramer, please stay after. I’d like a word.”
Jenna remained in her seat as the rest of the students filed out. She kept her head down, her shoulders tense. Every so often she looked up, checking the door until the last person was out. Only then did she lift her book bag and sling it over her shoulder as she headed to Edwin’s podium.
Her jaw was set, lips tight, but as she approached, she scanned his face and his clothing. Whatever anger she felt appeared to melt into annoyance mixed with concern. “You wanted to speak to me, sir?”
“I need help, Jenna, and I need information. No one else can tell me what I need to know.” Edwin took off his glasses and stowed them in the breast pocket of his crumpled linen suit coat. It was easier to look at the expression on her face in soft focus.
“I care for him, you know. Forrest. I’m just not sure my caring is doing either of us much good. I know I hurt him, and I’m sorry for that. I didn’t realize.”
She exhaled slowly. “If you care about him so much, why aren’t you talking to him? What could possibly have gone so wrong?”
Edwin looked around to be certain the place was empty. His heart felt hollow. “The night I saw you at the garage, we ate on my deck, looking at my garden, and afterward…”
Edwin’s cheeks grew hot. “I thought it was pity.”
He cringed at his own stupidity. “He’d said he had a friend with benefits, but I thought he was straight, you see. That it was safe to crush on him because nothing could happen.”
Edwin shrugged helplessly. “After it did, I avoided him. It felt like a mistake to let myself end up in that situation. I gave it another chance because I missed him so badly, but then I met Corey.”
“So you met Corey and realized Forrest is gay.” Jenna frowned and looked down. “Forrest thinks it’s really obvious, but it’s not. Susie thinks her father—his stepfather—made Forrest self-conscious. Her dad’s super religious and a mean drunk. She’s got a few scars from him, but Forrest bore the brunt of it.”
They were both quiet for a moment.
Jenna met Edwin’s eyes. Her tone turned nasty. “So he’s gay. That should be a good thing. It’s not like he’s a student. Or is it that you wanted him to be straight? Just looking for a friends-with-benefits arrangement?”
“No, it’s…” Edwin cradled his chin in one palm, rubbing his unkempt beard to help him think. It only reminded him how unsuitable he was for someone as young and vibrant as Forrest.
“I was married once, Jenna, and if my job didn’t tip you off, I’m a little inclined to dwell on the past. I’ve been alone so long I don’t know how to stop, and Forrest can’t possibly want to deal with all the baggage I’m carrying. Especially not with someone like Corey throwing himself at him.”
At Corey’s name, Jenna rolled her eyes. “Fucking Corey. You know, there was a time when I really thought Corey might break Forrest, but no. You broke him. I don’t know what baggage you think you’re protecting him from, because right now he’s devastated. And you know what? He doesn’t even blame you. He told me he was just a simple mechanic and it was silly to think a smart guy like you would want anything from him but sex.”
; She winced after she said it, obviously having betrayed a hard-won trust. “Shit. Shit.”
She held up a hand. “Just, never mind. I don’t know what your life was like. Maybe that guy is worth living in the past for. Just don’t pretend like you’re pushing Forrest away for his benefit.”
Edwin felt brittle already, and under the barrage of words, he almost cracked. His eyes stung, and he pulled on his glasses, fussed with how they sat on his nose to buy time. “I didn’t realize he was… I knew he was upset that day, but I didn’t think…”
But what had she said, really? That Forrest thought Edwin was too good for him?
Edwin’s shoulders squared as the burden he carried grew heavier still. He gazed at her face with an intensity he’d rarely been able to summon of late, his singleness of purpose restored.
“Are he and Corey still involved? What am I up against, if I succeed in pulling my head out of my ass?”
Jenna flushed and averted her eyes, looking ashamed for her outburst. After a moment, she seemed to get over her guilt enough to look him in the eye again. “I don’t think involved has ever been the right word. More like hooked up. But it’s not something you have to worry about. Forrest isn’t talking to him. Corey keeps coming over to the garage, trying to get Forrest back, but Forrest is done.”
Edwin took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders, trying to loosen some of the tension. “Do you know if he’ll be home tonight?”
“He’ll probably be at the garage. The light’s been on over there when I got off work the past few nights.” She blushed faintly. “Look, I’m sorry I was so hard on you. I know you’ve got your own thing going on. I really had no right, but Forrest being hurt really upsets Susie too.”