by Clancy Nacht
When Edwin pulled into the driveway of the bungalow, it felt as if he’d been away for months instead of a day or two. He retrieved the mail, let himself in the back door, and felt an unmistakable sense of relief at being alone. He needed a little while to decompress. If he went to Forrest’s like this, he’d explode all over him in a dirty bomb of trite insecurities and petty jealousy.
Leaving his keys and wallet on the kitchen counter, Edwin headed for the bedroom to pack an overnight bag for him and Francesca. He dug a weathered leather duffel out of the linen closet, tossed in a spare toothbrush, disposable razor, comb, and underpants. As he packed, he wondered if Forrest would still want to be with him once he understood that Corey was serious about making an effort.
Edwin felt stupid, like maybe he should just pick up Frannie, relay the information, and come home.
What if Forrest did want to play house with him and keep Corey on speed dial for whatever urges Edwin didn’t satisfy? The idea that Edwin couldn’t satisfy a lover anymore made him nauseated. His status as a cerebral sex symbol had been his entire identity once, and he didn’t know how to cope with being some kind of Rip Van Winkle auntie.
Edwin exhaled shakily, stripped naked, and went to stand in front of the mirror. He stared at himself with a critical eye, taking in the scholarly pastiness of his skin, the whorls of dark hair going slowly gray at the center of his unspectacular chest and leading down from his navel to his cock. It was an objectively nice cock, even if it took longer to get hard than it used to. His legs were long and thin, but walking all over campus every day and standing during lectures had kept them toned.
His gaze finally shifted to his head, taking in the unkempt shock of silver-shot brown mane framing his narrow face. His jawline wasn’t as sharp these days, and his cheeks looked gaunt instead of defined. His eyebrows had gone from sleek, dark swoops over a sloe-eyed stare to bushy finials for thick-rimmed specs. Deep lines creased the corners of his eyes, stood like sentinels at either side of his aquiline nose, and framed his thin lips with the hint of a perpetual frown.
He turned his back to the mirror and glanced over his shoulder at his ass, noting it was aging better than the rest of him. His spine and shoulder blades stood out more than they once had, knobs of bone protruding from age-thinned skin, but at least he hadn’t started growing random body hair.
Yet.
That these things were a relief made him wonder when he’d last bothered to look at himself. It seemed like maybe he’d been avoiding it for years. He didn’t recognize the man in the mirror, but that was the man he was offering to Forrest, and he should damn well get acquainted.
Though he’d planned to shower at Forrest’s, it wasn’t even five yet, and Edwin felt ashamed to show up for something so important looking like a hobo. He took his time cleaning up, trimming hair that didn’t belong, grooming everywhere with a grim determination that if Forrest did renege on their…whatever it was, he’d be saying it to someone who deserved better than to be passed over for a confused man-child.
And, if Edwin was honest, he knew Forrest deserved better than some middle-aged nerd who didn’t even try.
When he was sure he’d look as good naked as he possibly could, the hair on his head was combed back in neat waves, and his eyebrows once again served as part of his facial expressions rather than as potential wren nests, he walked into the closet and found the tightest pair of jeans he owned. He tugged them over a pair of black boxer briefs he believed to be reasonably sexy on other people if not himself, smiled with growing satisfaction that the jeans still fit, and put on a crisp, red, button-front shirt. He left the top few buttons undone and didn’t tuck it in, then rolled up the sleeves to midforearm.
A glance at the clock told him it was six fifteen, so he shoved his bare feet into some Top-Siders, stuck a fedora on his head, tossed tomorrow’s work clothes into the duffel, and left Forrest’s T-shirt behind, just in case.
A souvenir to last the years.
Trying not to think like that, he headed into the kitchen and shoved his wallet into his back pocket, laughing under his breath when it barely fit and hoping that meant the jeans were doing something flattering for his ass. Misgivings nagged at the corners of his mind as he snatched up his keys and snagged Frannie’s spare bowls from the cabinet above the stove.
At the back door, he stopped short, momentarily paralyzed. He could do this. Whatever happened, Forrest would still be his friend, and Edwin would still be able to come back here with his Frannie. At worst, things would just…go back to prefucking times.
No. At worst, I’ll be too weak to let go even if he does want to work things out with Corey. I’ll sit around nights chewing my nails and hoping he drops by to get off.
The knowledge that was more likely than just being friends gnawed an aching void into the center of him. After being so lonely for so long, Edwin didn’t think he’d ever be able to give up on some kind of…whatever with Forrest. It hurt his pride, but that was just karma. He’d definitely earned it over the years, and it was folly to think he’d outlasted it with his stint in celibacy limbo.
Before he could chicken out, Edwin pushed out the door, locked it behind him, and headed to his car. He threw the duffel in beside his briefcase, settled in, and realized he’d never asked Forrest where he lived. It had clearly been too long since he attempted anything like this.
Too nervous to call, he texted Forrest’s phone asking for the address. When Forrest sent it, Edwin started driving, knowing that if he hesitated, he was lost.
When he arrived, he pulled into the parking space beside Forrest’s Mustang, eyed the duffel, and decided to leave it where it was. Having to pick it up and carry it back out if things went unfavorably seemed too unbearable to contemplate.
Empty-handed, he marched to Forrest’s door and knocked twice before he stepped back and shoved both hands in his front pockets. On the other side, he heard Frannie’s muffled meow and rocked on his heels, plastering an expression of false calm over his features.
Forrest opened the door and gave Edwin a dazzling smile. His gaze roved over Edwin’s face and down his body appreciatively. “Wow.”
That seemed about all Forrest was able to say until he met Edwin’s eyes again. Then he just stared. He didn’t have to tell Edwin that he looked sexy; it was written all over Forrest’s face.
It felt damn good to stun Forrest into silence.
Then Forrest’s gaze dropped to Edwin’s empty hands. “Oh. Are you not staying?”
The hollowness in Edwin’s gut eased at Forrest’s welcome. He managed a lopsided smile and jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “In the car. Even brought a toothbrush. But um…I wanted to discuss something with you first. You going to invite me in?”
“Oh. Come on in.” Forrest’s cheeks brightened as he stepped back from the door.
Frannie stood on the futon beside him, meowing a welcome. Edwin hesitated in the doorway to scratch her ears.
The condo was part of a town-house duplex, cozy but warm, with buttercream walls and chunky wooden furniture. The long, narrow living room featured a door on one end and a fireplace on the other. A sleek, dark wood ladder led up to what was probably a loft. Stools stood in front of an open counter with a granite top and gave a view of a modern kitchen in brushed steel. The place had few frills, but it was as inviting as its owner was.
Forrest waited for Edwin to walk inside, then closed the door behind him and leaned against it as if afraid Edwin might make a break for it.
In fact, there seemed to be an air of paranoia surrounding Forrest.
“So, Corey left a message. Said he was visiting you at school.”
“Ah.” Edwin eyed Forrest, trying to get a feel for his mood, then looked down as Francesca wound around his ankles. He knelt to scoop her into his arms, kissed her head, and stroked her absentmindedly as he looked around the condo to avoid staring at Forrest. “Yes, he paid me a visit during lunch. He’s persistent.”
After a painful paus
e, Edwin added, “He seems very attached to you.”
“Yeah.” Forrest pushed himself from the door and crossed into the kitchen. There was the moist sound of the fridge opening, followed by the rattle of a bottle set on the counter. “You want a beer?”
“Yeah, that’d be great.”
Apparently, Nasty had consented to the car ride, as he scampered out of the kitchen, perhaps put off by the noise. He shot under the futon.
Edwin shifted Frannie to one side and crouched to greet Nasty. He held out one hand in entreaty and smiled when Nasty slinked toward him to sniff his fingers. Nasty stared up at Edwin with half-closed golden eyes, seeming content to allow the contact as long as Edwin didn’t push it. He didn’t move until he heard Forrest’s footsteps returning.
As Forrest neared, Edwin straightened and allowed Frannie to leap from his arm to rejoin her friend. It left Edwin feeling vulnerable, off balance, and before he could think twice about it, he closed the distance between himself and Forrest and wrapped his arms around him.
Forrest took a deep breath that felt suspiciously like a sob and returned the embrace. The beer bottles pressed cold and wet into Edwin’s back.
“It’s okay if you want him, Ed. Just don’t make me do it.”
Edwin let out a baffled laugh, uncertain whether he was more startled by the sudden nickname or Forrest’s bizarre idea that Edwin wanted Corey.
Then the rest sank in, and he burrowed his face into Forrest’s chest, inhaling deeply of his scent and smiling. “Does that mean you won’t be annoyed I rejected his offer to babysit you between your sexual escapades with him and proposed awkward threesomes?”
“You did?” Forrest squeezed Edwin tighter. “You told him no?”
“Repeatedly.” Edwin tilted his head to look into Forrest’s eyes with a droll smile. “He was pretty desperate. He seemed to think I’d be interested in pretending he was a student, as if enough real students haven’t offered. But I did agree that I’d relay his messages to you. He wanted me to tell you that he’s sorry, that he loved you as much as he could, and that if you don’t find happiness with me, you know where to find him. I also told him that if I don’t…”
Edwin trailed off and tipped his face into Forrest’s neck to hide his mortification. “Forrest, if this isn’t enough for you or I’m not really your dream man, I’d be a hypocrite to get on a high horse about monogamy. This is too early to get so heavy, and I regret that I find this necessary, but if you’re with me for any reason other than believing you’ll love me someday, tell me now.”
Terrified but trying to remain calm, Edwin met Forrest’s gaze. “At least allow me the dignity of knowing whether this is something other than I was hoping. I promise I’m not going to have a tantrum if you say something I don’t like. It’s not a deal breaker. I’ll adapt. I think you’re worth it.”
“Thought we had this talk this morning.” Forrest pulled away long enough to set the beer bottles on the wood coffee table, then took Edwin back into his arms. “Don’t want no one else. Corey, he wanted orgies and threesomes and parties. I don’t particularly like having so many limbs and egos to keep track of. I’m with you; I want just you.”
Forrest pulled away but kept hold of Edwin’s hand and pulled him to sit on the futon with him. “As for the love part, I think I fell for you a little when you walked into the garage with your crooked glasses, all worried about Francesca. Don’t think I ever stopped falling.”
Edwin took a deep breath, reached for one of the beers, and drained half of it in a go. He heard Frannie beneath the futon, purring, and heard Nasty’s harsher voice join with hers.
His cheeks felt hot. His eyes refused to focus. He planted his elbows on his knees, leaned forward to rest his face in his hands, and didn’t bother to catch his hat when it fell off.
When Edwin’s voice seemed trustworthy again, he turned his head to look at Forrest. “You’ve got a hell of a poker face, Forrest James.”
Edwin started laughing and couldn’t stop, his body slumped against Forrest’s side. In the next breath, he was climbing into Forrest’s lap to kiss him wildly, stifling the raucous sounds against his mouth until the urge to laugh was overpowered by the need to get closer.
Forrest’s worries seemed to fade as he lay back to enjoy the kisses. He slid his hands down Edwin’s back and squeezed his ass, pressing their bodies together. “Thought you’d know I was sweet on you when I went and pulled down a hundred fliers in a three-mile radius.”
“Oh God, I almost forgot about that.” Edwin’s face flushed. He felt like an idiot looking back on things and finally seeing them for what they were. “Maybe it’s not quite as early in this relationship as I thought. If we were both feeling what I know I was feeling, we must’ve had two dozen dates already.”
The embarrassment didn’t mean much now, though, not with Forrest’s big hands sliding over his body so possessive and knowing. Edwin sat back on Forrest’s thighs and finished his beer before setting it aside with a grin. He reached out to cradle Forrest’s face in both hands, his breaths coming faster as it sank in that this was really his life.
“I never suspected, Forrest. When Corey showed up that day, I just…I didn’t know what to think. I was in so far over my head by then. And today when he showed up at my office, I just…”
Edwin stopped babbling long enough to breathe. Then the words came pouring out again, nervous and pleading with Forrest for some kind of context. “He said you two had been together practically forever, and he was trying to make it sound like I was some home wrecker. I thought maybe you loved him and believed he didn’t love you, but if he was saying he wanted to try, that he loved you back, then I’d just be this blip, just this brief mistake you both put in the rearview mirror as fast as you could. You’d be sorry, but love would prevail, and I’d be alone again because why the hell would you want me if you had him? If you had so much history, if he finally gave you what you’d wanted…”
At that, Forrest’s eyes dimmed. He leaned on one arm and grabbed his beer. He drank it in one long chug. Then he flopped back against the futon and stared at the ceiling like he was collecting his thoughts.
“Y’know, I’m not even sure now how long we had our arrangement. A few years? Five?”
Forrest rubbed his forehead. It left a trace of water from the condensation on the beer bottle. “Was a bit after my dad died. I was lonely, decided to go to a gay bar. Think half the guys in there worried that I was gonna bash ’em, and the other half just ignored me. But Corey… He was on the dance floor, and he saw me sitting alone and took it upon himself to find out. Think he was really drunk or high or something.
“He got it quick that I wasn’t dangerous, and I kept buying him drinks. He came home with me, and I thought at the time I was special. Didn’t know then that anyone could take him home for a couple cocktails.”
Forrest reached up to touch Edwin’s face. “Thought it was love at first sight. That he saw something in me, and he was… Well, not my first or nothing, but I dunno. Told him I loved him after and he laughed. Called me sweet. Told me to come back and see him. And I did. For a few nights, I guess. He introduced me to friends and invited me to parties.
“There were a lot of guys who wanted to have sex, but I just wanted to go home with Corey. He liked it for a while, but then he got tired of me always shadowing him. I was pretty tired of showing up everywhere all the time. Got tired of telling people I didn’t wanna fuck ’em and got real tired of everybody fucking Corey.”
Dropping his hand, Forrest covered his eyes. “Corey said he didn’t wanna be my boyfriend, but I could be his booty call. Not like I had anything better going, so I agreed. At some point, I guess everyone was sick of fucking Corey, so they’d make him bring me along. Like a trained stud.
“Thought maybe I’d meet someone that way. Met a few guys. Thought there’d be something there, and I’d call ’em after. Go out on real dates. Then Corey would get wind and make a deal. Nobody wanted me enough to stop fuc
king other people. Figured if I was just gonna be someone’s dick, might as well keep with the devil I knew.”
Forrest took a deep breath and opened his eyes to look at Edwin. “Thought when you showed up all spiffed up, maybe you wanted to sow some wild oats in that scene. Wouldn’t’ve blamed you. You were pent up awhile. Just thought we had something good together. Woulda killed me inside to sit on the sidelines, but I thought you were worth it. Glad I don’t have to.”
“Oh, Forrest.” Edwin’s stomach flipped over, and he leaned in to kiss away the drops of moisture the bottle had left on Forrest’s brow.
Then he leaned back to stare into those solemn blue eyes. He still couldn’t meet Forrest’s gaze like that without needing to catch his breath. “I didn’t just get tired of being celibate, okay? You’re special. Those people didn’t have the right context to understand. For years, I was drowning, staring up at the sky through the deep waves, everything warm far beyond my reach. I was saving that last breath as long as I could before I sucked in the sea and let it all go. I was just waiting for it to be over.
“If you hadn’t found Frannie, if something had—” Edwin squared his posture and looped his arms around Forrest’s neck, twining his fingers in the silky blond hair that tumbled onto Forrest’s shoulders. “It was just like…Howard was gone, and it was up to the last one out to hit the lights. If I didn’t have Frannie, well, it was time to bow out. I was just trying not to think about it.”
Remembered misery crumpled Edwin’s face, and though he fought to smooth his expression, he couldn’t. When he got his eyes under control, his mouth turned down, and when he got his mouth to relax, his eyes clenched shut.
Forrest caressed his cheek, the tender touches easing the ache in Edwin’s chest. After a few moments, he continued talking.
“Maybe when Howard died, he left me this romantic streak along with the cat, but I was convinced I’d blown my one chance at true love. I believed there was one person in the whole world who could ever love me like that, and he was gone, and that was it. It was over. I’d never find another love, and it was my own damn fault.” Swallowing hard against the rising tide of emotion, Edwin opened his eyes to look into Forrest’s.