by Clancy Nacht
“Nah, you’re pretty locked in, Ed.” Forrest grinned and gave Edwin a bear hug. “S’okay, though. Got some cash stashed away for emergencies.”
“Some cash, he says. You’re rich, bitch!” Susie snorted while Forrest wrinkled his nose. “C’mon, you can’t own one of the most successful body shops in town and expect people to believe you’re poor.”
“I’m doing okay.”
She shook her head, a gleam coming to her eye. “More than okay, thanks to your brilliant sister’s management and very efficient billing and collections system.”
Forrest sighed and tried to smile at Edwin. “You sure you want in this family?”
Edwin hadn’t considered how much Forrest might make. He hadn’t considered whether Forrest’s lovely condo in a good neighborhood was rented or mortgaged. Part of him had been braced for the quiet, steady hunk he was inexplicably dating to be a secret man-child with no personal savings except a pencil case under the mattress with random bills stuffed in. It had seemed inevitable that, with time, Edwin would uncover immaturity, instability…something to prove the impossibility of this working out long-term.
Instead, all signs pointed to forever.
Edwin leaned his head on Forrest’s shoulder and gazed up at him. “I’m quite certain, Mr. James.”
Susie reached for Edwin, a sweet, sisterly gesture that culminated in her tucking back his wild hair so she could see his face. “Good. Keep it that way.”
Her tone aimed for playful and missed. Underlying anxiety bled through and colored the words with desperation not to lose him from their lives as well. The look on her face—grief-puffy eyes narrowed but clear, full lips like her brother’s flattened in determination—told him she’d do whatever it took to keep him and Forrest together.
It should have felt threatening, but instead Edwin felt relieved. She’d accepted him into Team Forrest, and now all he had to do was what he’d wanted to do all along.
Forrest seemed content to hold them each under one strong arm, stoic and still under the new mantle of patriarch. That hint of relief at the removal of a toxic presence from his life would blossom into happiness eventually. It would take months or years, and survivor’s guilt would accompany it, but Edwin was patient, and he could help Forrest through it.
He knew he could.
It was strange to realize how much he’d begun to trust his instincts. This confidence and optimism came from a gut-level faith in himself that he hadn’t felt in twenty years. He remembered Thoreau’s disappointment when Edwin went to graduate school. “School like that represses your connection to nature, brother. You’ll turn into some soulless faker and forget everything that makes us family.”
Edwin had spent years believing his family had rejected him. Now, he wondered if they’d just kept doing what they’d always done as he removed himself from their sphere. They hadn’t chased after him, but after Howard died, Thoreau did try once to invite Edwin on a trip with him. Edwin had turned him down, unable to stomach the idea, but now he saw it with new eyes.
Maybe he’d always assumed his half brother didn’t love him enough to try to understand him. Now his instincts told him to pick up a goddamn phone already.
It was almost nine a.m. in Texas. Wherever Thoreau was, it should be human hours by now.
“Excuse me for a few moments, agapetos.” Edwin stood and pressed a quick kiss to Forrest’s temple.
As he headed for the ladder to the loft, he heard Susie whisper, “What did he call you?”
Forrest should enjoy explaining that one. He’d probably still be blushed to his ears when Edwin returned.
Edwin’s phone was on the nightstand. Thoreau’s listed number was so old that Edwin didn’t think it would still be in service, but he had to try. He hit the Call button, sat on the edge of Forrest’s bed, and waited.
The number rang a few times, clicked, and then went silent. Edwin was afraid he’d lost his connection, but a moment later, he heard a dialing sound. The ringing began again, indicating he’d been forwarded to a new number. After three rings, a stranger’s androgynous voice answered.
“Hello?”
Edwin’s heart sank. “Greetings. I was attempting to reach Thoreau Blais. His previous number forwards to this one. I apologize if I’ve dialed you in error.”
“Wow. Are you Edwin?” The voice sounded insultingly amused.
Taken aback, Edwin hesitated. “Yes, this is Edwin. I’m afraid you have the advantage of me. Is my brother available to talk?”
“He was so right.” Edwin heard the muffled sound of a hand cupped over the mouthpiece. “Thor, your brother’s on the phone! He’s a total dino. I thought you were exaggerating.”
Thor? Edwin rolled his eyes. “Thanks a lot.”
He flopped back and snuggled into Forrest’s pillow, drawing comfort from the familiar scent of his boyfriend. He smiled despite his nerves and wrapped one arm around the pillow. A rustling sound on the other end of the line snapped Edwin out of his descent into daydreams.
“Edwin?” Thoreau’s voice was deeper than Edwin remembered, hoarse with hard living.
“Yes, it’s me. I know it’s been a long time, but…” Edwin trailed off as the enormity of what he was trying to do caught up with him. His throat tightened and made it hard to continue. “I missed you, Thoreau. How are you?”
“Why are you calling? Are you all right?” Thoreau’s blunt concern warmed Edwin. His brother sounded like he might cry—like he’d been as afraid as Edwin that their next phone call would be to report a tragedy.
“I’m well. I’m actually…I’m pretty fantastic.” Edwin paused. He hadn’t thought through any of this. “I met someone.”
“No way.” Thoreau’s laughter dispelled Edwin’s anxiety. He still sounded like a crazy teenager ready to find amusement in anything. “Is this…I mean, you wouldn’t call me over something minor.”
Edwin chuckled too, a little uncomfortable now that he realized his brother had been right. It hadn’t been healthy to bury his heart. It galled Edwin that he’d been proven wrong, but his voice resonated with pride as he said, “His name’s Forrest. We’re in love.”
A few moments of silence followed that announcement. Then Thoreau asked, “When can I meet him?”
Edwin grinned self-consciously, grateful no one could see his relief. “How soon can you get here?”
Epilogue
Forrest took the idea of meeting Edwin’s family more seriously than he’d anticipated. Maybe it was losing his mother or the new closeness with Susie, but Forrest seemed more focused than ever on the importance of family in the weeks before Thoreau’s arrival. He asked a hundred questions and hung on Edwin’s answers like gospel.
Susie asked questions too, and she took to calling Edwin at his office to check up on him when he didn’t make it to the shop before work. After nights spent at the condo, Forrest drove both cats to the garage for cat sitting while Edwin went straight to the university.
They didn’t spend every night together, and they alternated homes as practicality dictated, but it didn’t take long to fall into a comfortable rhythm. Sometimes it was Susie who spent the night at Forrest’s condo, and Edwin would leave the siblings to work through their grief in peace.
Other times Forrest appeared at the bungalow to watch him work. Those evenings, Forrest read Edwin’s collection of published work with a combination of humility and hunger for knowledge that made Edwin weak in the knees. Forrest was so impressed by Edwin’s name on the spines of texts and printed in journals that it erased Edwin’s lingering self-consciousness about their disparity in raw sex appeal.
And, as much as Edwin hated when his students yelled, “This is Sparta,” it was kind of hot when Forrest did it. They watched every ridiculous movie about the ancient world in Edwin’s collection, and Forrest brought new ones to add to it as the weeks passed. Every annoyed huff from Edwin about an inaccuracy led to an impromptu lesson, and Forrest soaked up information as fast as Edwin’s best students
.
Edwin had always recognized how bright Forrest was, but it took a faculty gathering the night before Thoreau’s arrival to prove it to Forrest. It had been ages since Edwin even considered attending a staff party, but he couldn’t help the urge to show off. When Edwin’s colleagues attempted conversation, Forrest replied in a manner both down-home and well-informed. By the end of the evening, Edwin realized he’d never seen them look so charmed, nor Forrest so proud.
As Edwin walked into the terminal at Austin-Bergstrom International the next morning, he braced for mayhem. Thoreau had always been impulsive, and it had been so long since they’d seen one another. Edwin didn’t doubt he’d recognize him, but he was afraid of what time might have changed. If his baby brother had gone gray and wrinkled, Edwin wasn’t sure he could bear it.
He caught a glimpse of a bright coral guayabera shirt seconds before its wearer tackled him.
“Edwin!” Thoreau crowed, voice painfully loud so close to Edwin’s ear. “Oh my God, you’re wearing jeans.”
Edwin tried to pull back enough to see Thoreau’s face, but the embrace left no room to crane his neck. Giving in, he returned the hug.
“And you’re wearing…whatever this retina-searing…thing is.”
Thoreau guffawed and hugged Edwin tighter. Then he let him go and raised an eyebrow. He looked healthy and happy, but he wore a wicked smirk.
“You stink like sex, Edwin. Did you shower this morning?”
Edwin’s skin burned as he realized he’d fallen asleep the moment Forrest finished and gotten dressed the moment the alarm went off. His embarrassment amused Thoreau, who cackled as he hoisted an army surplus duffel and started toward the exit. Hand-painted peace signs covered the canvas.
“Let’s get out of here so you can introduce me to whomever it is that’s got you so dirtied up. Never thought I’d see the day.”
When they pulled into the driveway, Forrest was sitting by the window with Frannie. Before Edwin even parked the car, the door opened and Forrest bounded out with Frannie on his heels.
Edwin shot a glance at Thoreau to see him looking gratifyingly stunned.
Forrest had dressed for the occasion in a button-front shirt and his best jeans despite Edwin’s insistence. Thoreau never wore anything more formal than a Christmas sweater. Forrest’s hair was slicked back under one of Edwin’s fedoras, and he’d borrowed one of Edwin’s ties as if he imagined mimicking Edwin would help him fit in with his family.
It was so endearing Edwin couldn’t help staring and smiling like an idiot.
Thoreau elbowed Edwin’s ribs before grabbing his duffel. The next moment, Thoreau burst from the Golden Hawk and beelined for Forrest.
By the time Edwin caught up, Thoreau had ambushed Forrest with a hug.
“Well, I see you’ve met Forrest, Thoreau. Thoreau Blais, this is Forrest James.”
Thoreau stepped back, grinning broadly, and looked from Forrest to Edwin and back again. “Call me Thor.”
Edwin sighed and gave Forrest a faint smile. “Because Thoreau wasn’t pretentious enough.”
Forrest looked dazed, or maybe sheepish. He held out his hand. “Nice to meet you, Thor.”
Thoreau passed his duffel to Edwin and shook Forrest’s hand, eyeing him with obvious interest. “My pleasure, Forrest. I can honestly say you are nothing like I pictured you.”
“Neither are you.” Forrest blushed and looked at Edwin. “No fault of Edwin’s. He tried to tell me. Just thought I’d dress up anyways.”
Forrest looked down at his clothes awkwardly, then loosened the tie. “Got some lemonade inside.”
Annoyed by Thoreau eye-fucking his boyfriend, Edwin shoved the duffel back at him.
Unfazed, Thoreau slipped past Forrest and dropped it. “Edwin, you should’ve warned me I’d wanna steal your boyfriend. I’d have worn cologne.”
Edwin knew his brother wasn’t as much of a cad as he pretended. He’d never destroy Edwin’s happiness that way, whatever his faults might be.
It was that faith in those good intentions that drove home for Edwin just what he’d missed by keeping his brother at a distance.
Edwin gestured to them to sit, detoured into the kitchen to retrieve the lemonade, and then rejoined them a minute later. As he placed their drinks on the coffee table, he gave Thoreau a meaningful look.
Thoreau smiled and then turned his eyes toward Forrest. “Thank you for whatever you did to this sad sack. He desperately needed it.” Then the mischievous sparkle returned. “Although I bet I can guess what it was.”
Forrest was just starting to smile shyly when Thoreau’s lasciviousness dissolved him into flustered embarrassment. “Have just as much to be thankful to Edwin for. Pulled me out of a pretty shitty situation. Stuck by when things got rough. He could’ve ditched when it all got laid on him, but he helped a lot. Knew just what to do. He’s family now. You are too.”
Thoreau’s gaze turned appraising. “I’ll admit I wondered whether you had a…deeper connection than what I’m sure is a very deep connection.”
Edwin declined to comment. Instead, he cleared his throat and punched the cushion behind him to fluff it.
Undeterred, Thoreau went on, focusing on Forrest and gaining intensity. He leaned forward, both elbows propped on his knees, sweating glass of lemonade gripped tightly in one hand like an athlete’s postgame Gatorade.
“I thought it was probably enough that you look like the guys Edwin lusted after in high school, before he figured out guys who look like you are usually jerks with nothing in common with guys like him. But you really like him, don’t you? Stodginess and all.”
With that, Forrest’s expression drained of shyness and uncertainty. He took Edwin’s hat off and placed it over his heart. “Love him. Love all of him. Learnin’ a lot from him too, so he’s gotta be a good teacher, ’cause no other’s been able to get things through this thick skull.”
Forrest’s gaze moved from Thoreau to Edwin. “Never knew much about feelings until Ed. He’s taught me about more than Greece. About life and love and seeing and wanting better for yourself. Hope I do him half the good he does me. Don’t know quite what I’d have done without him stepping in when he did.”
Forrest’s outpouring of words and emotion caught Edwin unprepared. He inhaled deeply and let it out in a long, slow exhale. He couldn’t tear his gaze from Forrest. That pride in Edwin, Forrest’s need for him, was so naked that it left him shaken and searching for a way to express his own.
When he finally managed to look at Thoreau, his brother’s thoughtful stare was weighing him. Thoreau watched Edwin for a few moments more, then looked back to Forrest.
“That is deep.”
Forrest grinned at Thoreau. “Don’t let your brother fool you. He’s a pretty hot ticket. Would’ve been the sorta guy I’d have wanted to talk to, but I’d figure he’d laugh in my face for bein’ so ignorant.”
“At one point, he might’ve.” Thoreau glared at Edwin, though there was no malice in it. He shifted in his seat to lean closer to Forrest, feigning a whisper. “He could be a real snob. Went off to college, hid in his ivory tower, disdained the essential truth of human experience. Disconnected from nature and the blue-collar life.”
Thoreau sat back and shook his head before swatting Edwin’s arm hard enough to sting. “Never thought you’d appreciate salt of the earth on a regular basis.”
Forrest patted Thoreau’s back. “Whatever Ed was like, he ain’t put on airs with me. Calls me agepetos. Know what that means?”
Thoreau snorted his amusement. “I’d think calling you a word most can’t pronounce is the definition of putting on airs.”
“Baby brothers exist solely to annoy their older siblings, whatever age they may be,” Edwin muttered as he refilled his glass from the pitcher on the table.
“There, there, Ed.” Thoreau stole Edwin’s freshly topped-off lemonade and drained it.
Edwin took the empty glass from him without comment. Complaining would only lead to dis
cussion about something like the flawed capitalistic system of entitlement.
Seeming satisfied he’d made himself enough of a pest, Thoreau smiled at Forrest. “Well, Ed doesn’t seem interested in explaining, so I guess it’s up to you now. Don’t leave me in wretched ignorance a moment longer.”
Forrest frowned. “Means worthy of love. Guess I don’t see it as putting on airs so much as something special not many would know right off so it can be kinda private. Thought it was nice. You don’t have special things with your special someone?”
Edwin cut in before Thoreau could answer, needing to be sure both men understood the place Forrest occupied in his life. “It means more than worthy of love, Forrest. It means beloved, unconditional love that goes beyond obligation, friendship, sexual attraction, or blood.”
That caught Thoreau off guard. He looked between Edwin and Forrest and then curved his lips in an unhappy smile. “I have a lot of special people in my life, but none like that. I’ve always left the codependent enmeshment to my brother. The way he is about settling down makes me wonder if Mom had to evict him from her uterus to get him to move on with his life. I’m a free spirit.”
“I hope you know I respect that choice, Thoreau.” Edwin touched Thoreau’s shoulder, resting one hand there tentatively.
Thoreau didn’t shrug away, which Edwin took as a good sign.
Some warmth returned to Thoreau’s expression, a slow relaxation of the taut mouth followed by a raised brow. “You paid a steep price to find this peace. I—”
A pained silence filled the room with anticipation.
Then Thoreau exhaled heavily and rolled his head back to stare at the ceiling. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more sympathetic back then. I was young and insensitive, and your plan to be celibate forever seemed like the stupidest thing I’d ever heard. You were just trying to find a way to live with yourself, and I—”