by Clancy Nacht
Outside their grief, he tried to figure out his place. Forrest had said he needed him here, and Susie was becoming one of Edwin’s favorite people, but this moment was almost unbearably private. At a loss, Edwin took a doughnut from his plate, nibbled it, and rested his other arm along Forrest’s shoulders with the hope it would reassure him.
Forrest reached up to take Edwin’s hand. He looked like he felt as out of place as Edwin did.
Susie’s sideways glances reported she was too astute to ignore Forrest’s divided emotions. She licked her lips and huffed. “I’m sorry, Forrest. I know you have some problems with Dad. I did too.”
Forrest just nodded and put his hand on Susie’s shoulder. “Yeah. We didn’t really get along.”
Her eyes watered, and she sniffled. “And Mom.”
Forrest closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then he nodded.
“She used to say she wished she’d done better by you.” Susie nudged Frannie, who took the hint and hopped off Susie’s lap to make her home on Edwin. “She said you had to take on more burden than was fair and that she wished she could’ve taken it from you.”
Forrest’s expression was pained. “Yeah.”
Susie scanned Forrest’s face and frowned. Then she shook her head as if she didn’t want to think about the implications. Instead, she pulled Forrest into a tight hug.
Forrest cleared his throat. “We’ve got each other still, right? You ain’t alone, ’cause you still got me no matter what.”
Edwin settled into the corner of the futon as he processed the conversation. His doughnut was gone, though he didn’t remember eating more than a bite. Frannie was licking a bit of sugar glaze from the corner of his mouth with supreme, feline indifference. Her casualness despite the loaded atmosphere relaxed him enough to touch Forrest’s back, trying to lend comfort by contact.
He wondered how often Susie had suspected things were worse than Forrest let on. She obviously loved her brother, but Edwin knew when someone was avoiding unpleasant truths. She had that telltale attitude of skittish desperation; the guilt had taken residence in her gut, but her brain hadn’t yet registered the fact. Whether or not Forrest told her, she wasn’t blissful in her ignorance. She felt the distance between them as acutely as Forrest did.
“If you need help with anything in the coming days, you have me and Frannie too,” Edwin said quietly. “Both of you.”
Susie gave Edwin a smile that vanished as quickly as it came. “Thank you, Edwin. I’m so glad Forrest has you.”
There was something searching in the look that Susie gave him, but before she put words to it, she looked at Forrest again. She looked like she wanted to ask questions, but instead, she reached for her coffee and drained it without even looking at the sweetener. Her expression betrayed belated realization she’d just downed a mug of too-hot black coffee.
“Edwin, will you show me where the creamer is?”
Edwin raised a brow at the question but nodded. Susie had a key. She had to have been here before. Even if she hadn’t, Forrest’s kitchen was too small for something like creamer to be difficult to locate.
As Edwin kissed Forrest’s cheek, Susie rose and headed into the kitchen. “Be right back, my agapetos.”
Forrest might have been confused about what was going on, but he seemed to trust Edwin. Warmed by that, Edwin stole another kiss, this time lingering on his lips, then followed Susie. He glanced back to see Frannie and Nasty had taken up residence on Forrest and let out a breath of relief.
That relief was short-lived. The moment Edwin reached the kitchen, Susie grabbed him by the arm and pulled him out of Forrest’s line of sight.
“Do I want to know?” Her fingers bit into his wrist, eyes pleading with him for advice.
He realized perhaps for the first time how young she was. She was such a capable, intelligent woman that he’d never realized how much she might still rely on her parents.
On impulse, Edwin lifted his hand to cradle her cheek. At that touch, her eyes brimmed with tears. As they fell, he wiped them away with his thumb and pulled her into a hug. She hesitated, but then a heavy sigh gusted against his neck and she sagged into the embrace. It felt awkward to hold her, but she obviously needed it.
“Please, Edwin,” she whispered, voice breaking on his name. “Why’s he let you in and shut me out?”
Edwin patted her back, aware that she was as broad as he was and probably much stronger. Still, she was falling apart in his arms, in so many ways a frightened child. It wasn’t his place to tell Forrest’s secrets, but she needed her big brother now as she never had before.
And whether or not Forrest could articulate it, he needed Susie to choose him over loyalty to a dead man. Edwin knew all about that.
Susie pulled at the back of his borrowed shirt, begging silently for answers. Edwin closed his eyes.
“You know deep down; I saw it on your face. But you don’t have a conflict of interest anymore. He’s never wanted anything more than to protect his baby sister. If you want to be close to him, you’ll have to help him carry the burdens he’s been shouldering alone.”
Susie pulled away, and Edwin opened his eyes to see her studying his face. She looked like she’d been slapped. Her pale face slowly reddened. Then she stood straighter and nodded.
Edwin gave her a sad smile, and she returned it. More tears spilled over and ran unchecked down her cheeks. Before she could lose control, Edwin opened the refrigerator and pulled out the bottle of creamer. He offered it to her. She laughed humorlessly, shook a finger at him, and then headed into the living room.
Edwin wasn’t certain he should follow, but the thought of Forrest going through this alone was too much to bear. As Edwin resumed his seat beside him, he noticed the tension in Forrest’s posture and the way tendons stood out on his neck. He sat turned toward his sister, his back to Edwin. Susie was staring at Forrest, jaw flexing as she tried to work up the courage to speak.
When she did, it came out in a rush. “I’m sorry I never asked you what happened with my dad, never asked why you moved in with Jesse. Mom kinda lost it, and I—”
She choked on a sob and held out her hands in supplication. Her eyes moved rapidly, like she was drinking in every nuance of Forrest’s expression. “God, Forrest, they’re both gone. They’re just gone, and I need you. I need my big brother, and I can’t— Goddamn it. Please just let me in. We can’t live like this. I can’t. I don’t want you keeping things from me no more.”
Forrest turned his head to look at Edwin over his shoulder, alarm written all over his face. “I…” He turned back to Susie, head lowered. “We can talk about that later, Sus. You don’t wanna know none of that; trust me.”
“I don’t want to know, Forrest, but I need to. I was too little when things were…but it’s not like I couldn’t tell stuff was going on.” Susie wore a stubborn expression; she wasn’t backing down. She rested a hand on Forrest’s shoulder and squeezed. “I love you. I’ve been looking up to you my whole life. I’m not some stupid little girl who can’t guess what you’ve got to say, but believe me, it’s not gonna change those things. I just need us on the same page going forward, okay? I just need to hear it and accept it and get on with being a family.”
Though her manner and delivery were abrupt and almost businesslike, her tone made Edwin’s heart ache for these two lost children. She sounded cut open, ready to spill her guts for her brother, and Edwin hoped Forrest would take it as the unconditional love Edwin recognized it to be. It was something Forrest needed desperately, and no matter how Edwin tried, his acceptance and understanding would never be the same as Susie’s.
When Forrest didn’t immediately respond, Susie looked at Edwin over Forrest’s shoulder. He shrugged and twitched his lips into a poor imitation of an encouraging grin. Then he shifted closer and rested his cheek against Forrest’s shoulder blade.
Seeming to take Edwin’s actions as a signal to force the issue, Susie exhaled abruptly. “Did my daddy touch you, For
rest? He hurt you like that?”
Forrest froze, as if stillness might make the question go away. A child’s defenses. Edwin rubbed Forrest’s back to remind him he wasn’t alone.
Turning his head to look at the kitchen, Forrest gave a brief nod. “Yeah. He did.”
Edwin glanced at Susie to see she looked as if she’d lost her breath. Her eyes were clenched shut. Her mouth formed a hard, flat line. She looked less like she’d broken at the confirmation of her worst fears and more like she needed to rearrange things inside herself.
As she struggled silently, Edwin stroked Forrest’s hair. He felt such pride in Forrest, so honored to be trusted with this delicate situation. A deep, fierce love that frightened Edwin welled up within him, overpowering every other emotion until he could do nothing but draw Forrest closer and wrap his arms around him. He pressed his lips to Forrest’s ear and whispered, “You’re a good man, Forrest.”
Edwin didn’t loosen his grip on Forrest even when Susie cleared her throat and addressed her brother. “You are a good man, Forrest. Listen, all right? I chose you a long time ago. All those beatings you took for me, all the…”
Susie trailed off as tears filled her eyes, and she inhaled shakily. “You took care of me. I grew up strong and happy and safe ’cause of you. Why you think I work at your damn garage? You think I love cars half as much as you do? I have been working there to look after you, following my big brother’s example, wanting to stay close to you even though Dad didn’t like it. I chose you without even knowing how bad he’d been. I chose you ’cause you were worth choosing. You see?”
Forrest reached back to give Edwin a one-armed hug, squeezing him surprisingly tight at that angle. Then he reached for his sister. “I never wanted you to have to take that on. I didn’t want you to have to know that. Least of all wanted to put this on you today.”
He let go of her and held her at arm’s length. “You chose me, huh? Little sister had to bail her big brother out when his daddy died… Wanted to be that comfort for you. Think I fucked that up.”
“No.” Susie shook her head to reinforce the word. Her glower and the obstinate set of her jaw spoke volumes. “I was gonna grieve one way or another. I’m gonna cry over my dad, no matter what he did. He’s my dad. I loved him.”
Susie sniffed hard, sucking back snot and tears without concern for dignity. “But I love you more, Forrest. I would follow you anywhere. I’d have been angry as hell if I found this out a year from now and had to grieve all over again losing my very idea of my daddy. Least now I can get it out all in one.”
“Okay.” Forrest looked down again. Now it was his turn to be quiet as he took in the information.
Edwin took Susie’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He noticed neither sibling had mentioned their mother. He wondered if her failure to protect them from this situation made her even more difficult to discuss. It had to hurt to know that, when it came down to it, she had followed Susie’s dad back into the fire rather than stay alive for her children.
Whatever faults his own family had, they’d never hurt him this way.
“He did this?” Susie’s fingers traced Forrest’s scars. He started to pull his arm away, but then he relented. Edwin got the feeling that perhaps she’d tried to look before, but Forrest reflexively shied away.
Forrest inhaled deeply. “Most of it. Some is from working on cars.” He pointed at the crook of his arm. “Some from me.”
“Oh, Forrest.” Susie’s mouth pursed and her eyes widened as she stared at the marks where Forrest had cut himself. She had the look of a woman finally putting all the pieces together after years of willful ignorance.
“They’re old scars, and I’m taking good care of him now. Once Forrest realizes how much you and I love him, maybe the scars we can’t see will start healing too.” Edwin nestled into the corner of the futon with his coffee. It had gotten cold, but he doctored it with cream and sugar, then leaned against the backrest. He watched the siblings from the corner of his eye as he kept his gaze on where Frannie and Nasty had curled up together across the room.
“Now we’re all up to speed, I move that we avoid secrets in future.”
Susie nodded. “I second the motion.”
Edwin smiled. “Show of hands. All in favor of the motion to avoid secrets in future?”
The cats ignored him. Susie raised her hand.
Edwin joined her. “Motion carries. Let the record show that the motion to avoid secrets in future has carried with a majority of votes.”
Susie laughed a little, seeming uncertain of how to handle Edwin’s weirdness and formalities. It wasn’t a big laugh, but it warmed Edwin’s heart just the same. Wanting to connect with Forrest too, he reached out to touch his cheek and stroke along his jaw. He yearned so much to climb into Forrest’s lap and comfort him physically that he couldn’t help staring and licking his lips.
Susie coughed politely, and Edwin withdrew his hand, his cheeks warm. She smiled, and it looked real now, if haunted. She leaned across Forrest to swat Edwin in a sisterly fashion, then sat back and sighed as if coming to terms with her situation.
She met Forrest’s eyes. “Lord, what a fucked-up clan. But we’ll make it. Anything else I oughta know?”
Forrest looked at Edwin and then back at his sister. He shook his head; then his brows furrowed. “I can’t believe she followed him into the fire.”
His eyes watered as he looked up at the ceiling. A tear streaked down his cheek. “After everything, she follows him into hell.”
“I can’t believe it either.” Susie’s voice wavered. Her features knotted up as she broke down. She shook her head and shifted closer to Forrest, pulling him into her arms to kiss the top of his head. Their arms slotted together in a solid embrace, like their whole beings had united to bear the weight of a horrible shared past.
The distance had disappeared.
Edwin envied that closeness. He’d always been the odd man out, never fitting with his free-spirit kin. He’d wanted a mortgage, tenure, a classic car that devoured fossil fuels with no regard for the environment. He’d wanted to know exactly what to expect from life while Thoreau had rejected the trappings of modern, capitalist society.
Edwin wasn’t even sure how to get in touch with his brother. Would Thoreau answer if Edwin called his old number? It had been years.
A gentle touch intruded on Edwin’s brooding. He looked over to see Forrest looking at him. One big hand had grasped Edwin’s shirt.
Forrest’s fingers curled, tugging at Edwin, and his red-rimmed eyes gleamed an impossible blue behind wet lashes. Forrest shifted until his shoulders were against the backrest, and Susie closed the gap to curl up under Forrest’s arm. Then she looked over at Edwin, mouthed, He needs you, and buried her face against Forrest’s chest.
Feeling self-conscious, Edwin mirrored her posture on Forrest’s other side. He extended his arm across Forrest to rest a hand on Susie’s shoulder, including her as she’d tried to include him. It was no less weird than their earlier hug, but something felt right about it despite that. It didn’t feel like any family Edwin had ever been part of, but maybe it didn’t need to.
Forrest kissed their heads and squeezed them both tightly. “You two’re all I need. All I care about, okay? We lost two today, Susie, but we got a new one too. If he’ll have us.”
Before Edwin could respond, the cats leaped onto the futon. Frannie pawed Edwin and meowed loudly.
Forrest’s pinched expression turned to a smile. “All right. Two additions to the family.”
Nasty tilted his head to the side as if he was uncertain, but when Forrest held out his hand, he butted his head into it. “So we’re even, I guess.”
Susie looked unconvinced at first, but Edwin could see the devotion there as she gazed at her older brother. She nodded slowly and closed her eyes until Frannie wriggled into the space between Forrest’s stomach and Susie’s. Then she looked down and snorted.
“Mrowr?” Frannie tipped back her h
ead to meet Susie’s stare.
“Yeah, I guess we are.” Susie leaned down, and Frannie rose onto her hind legs to kiss Susie on the lips.
Edwin couldn’t hold back his smile. “Far be it from me to question the will of Miss Francesca.”
Forrest brought up his shirt hem to wipe away the tears and then squeezed everyone tight. “Been a long time since I’ve talked to or about God, but I think we’re all here, we all met at this point, for a reason. What happened was a tragedy, but we can find a way to make the best of it.”
Forrest’s mouth looked vulnerable and swollen, soft and slack with too many emotions. Edwin kissed it gently. Between the unguarded sharing of thoughts and Edwin’s inclusion in the family, it seemed Forrest was all in. It was staggering. Humbling.
Perfection.
This, at last, was something Edwin understood. The too good to be true was over, and they were up to their elbows in the dingy, sharp truth of life. Some unknown, anxious knot in his chest loosened.
“We’re gonna have to make arrangements.” Susie mumbled the words as if a failure to enunciate would stave off the inevitable.
Edwin reached for her hand and pressed their palms together. “I know what to do. I’ll help you.”
Susie nodded and gave him a weak smile, then snuggled closer to her brother as tears again streaked her face.
Forrest’s eyes widened, as if he realized why Edwin would know about funerary arrangements. “You okay with that? I dunno if we should even do that yet. I mean, don’t someone have to declare ’em dead officially?”
“I don’t mind, Forrest.” Edwin gave Forrest a wan smile and then turned his gaze on Susie. “You can tell the coroner which funeral home you prefer to use. I’ll recommend one. After the emergency workers… The coroner’s office will issue the certificates. Then they’ll transfer…”
Edwin trailed off, unable to say any remains recovered right in front of the bereaved.
“If—” Edwin bit his lip and looked between Forrest and Susie. “I don’t know what insurance they may have had. If you need any help paying for the funeral, I’m here. Forrest said I’m family now, and I couldn’t bear for you to be burdened with that debt. Whatever happens, we’re in it together, unless you’ve changed your minds.”