After Always (Always Series Book 5)

by Lindsay Becs

  Travis

  Five Years After Josie

  Five years. It’s been five fucking years since I lost the love of my life. I’m still not sure how you move on from that. Can you? I try like hell not to dwell in the past or wallow in what I lost. I know I’m not the only one who lost Josie, but some days it feels like it.

  Everyone around me seems to be moving on with their lives, living them to the fullest. Meanwhile, I feel like I’m barely surviving some days.

  Penny and I still “fly” out to see her momma at least a couple of times a month. I don’t know if it helps her or if it is a terrible idea. She seems to still love it, and I can’t deny her anything that makes her feel close to her momma, who she hardly remembers.

  Some days it’s like a knife in the gut going to the pond, and some days it’s the oxygen I need to breathe. Most of my anger about Josie’s cancer returning, her choosing not to fight it, and losing her is gone completely. But I still miss her like hell. There are days, like yesterday when Penny gave a speech at school about the importance of regularly changing the oil in your car. Those days I wish she was here to see our incredible daughter.

  Just when I think it’s getting easier, something hits me and brings me right back down. It’s a rock pressing on my chest. Something constricting my lungs from filling with air. The ground shaking under my feet, making me stumble as I try to go through this life. I’m drowning, sinking below the surface. I don’t think it will ever get easier.

  It’s a Saturday and a rarity that I’m home sitting on the couch watching TV. We got a foot of snow overnight, so I told all my guys to stay home and kept Pretty Girl closed for the weekend.

  I’m muffling my laughter as best I can as I watch Chandler Bing pluck Joey Tribbiani’s eyebrows in an episode of Friends. It reminds me of a time in high school when Ollie shaved off the eyebrows of one of our teammates when we had an away game. The whole football team stayed in a hotel.

  I can’t hold it in anymore and let out a hardy laugh until I feel tears hit my eyes.

  “I hate you, Jesse Jones!” I hear Penny scream as the back sliding door opens. That’s my cue to see what trouble these two are into now.

  “LP, what’s going on?” I ask, walking to where she stands, red-nosed from the cold and dripping wet as the snow that covers her begins to melt.

  “He pushed me into the snow. Face first! Then, when I got up, he threw a snowball at my head. My head, Daddy!”

  I try not to laugh at her, but when I sneak a peek outside to see Jesse smirk at getting the rile out of her that he was after, I can’t hold it in anymore.

  “Daddy, it’s not funny!” she yells at me as I stand there laughing at her.

  Stepping into the untied boots by the door, I pick her up and throw her over my shoulder. She’s yelling at me to put her down and to stop laughing, but there’s no stopping me now. Walking out into the snow, I finally toss her down into a big snow drift. I hear Jesse cackle with laughter as Penny tries to right herself but keeps falling back down since the snow is taller than her.

  She finally gets her footing and looks like she could bury me alive. I start running away from her, but I soon feel a snowball hit my back. “Oh, that’s war, LP!” I holler at her, ducking behind a tree.

  “Just remember you started it, Daddy! And Jesse is on my team!”

  “Traitor!” I yell after the boy who’s more trouble than good most days but seems to look after my daughter as much as he antagonizes her.

  “Jesse! Time to come in!” I hear Tilly call out the back of her house. I’m about to warn her that it isn’t safe when I see a snowball fly in her direction and hit her straight in the face. She looks more confused than angry as she wipes the wet snow away.

  She must hear me laughing, because she looks my way and shoots me a dirty look. My hands go up in surrender as a sign it wasn’t me. I point out toward the open field behind our houses, and just then, more snowballs start flying toward us both.

  “Duck!” I yell as Tilly runs to where I’m not tucked around the corner of her house.

  “Aren’t you freezing without a coat on?” she asks as her eyes wander down my body.

  “Uh, not really but I just got out here.” I look at her, noticing she’s without a coat too. “What about you?”

  “I’ve been baking all day. It feels good to cool off. Although, I could have done without the snow in the face,” she laughs. “What are we up against?” she asks then, turning more serious.

  My lips twitch to smile at her as we team up against the kids. We make a battle plan and after almost an hour, all four of us surrender with frozen hands and soaked clothes.

  “Why don’t you and Penny come over for some hot chocolate and cookies after you change?” Tilly asks as I begin to shake the snow out of my hair.

  I pause and look up at her, swallowing hard. “That’d be nice.” It’s just hot chocolate with my neighbor, the caregiver of my daughter’s best friend. But then why do I feel guilty?

  Penny takes a hot bath to thaw out while I jump in the shower. Once we’re both warm and dry, we make our way next door. We’re greeted with the most heavenly scent of chocolate and sugar.

  “Come on, Nugget, let’s go finish our game from the other day,” Jesse calls to Penny from his room.

  He’s called her Nugget for as long as they’ve been friends. I always figured it was because she was younger and smaller than him, but who knows with those two. They’re always teasing each other for one reason or another. I’m too afraid to ask and get in the middle, if I’m being honest.

  She looks at me, and I nod at her before she takes off to play.

  Tilly smiles, shaking her head as we watch them. “Those two are something. I can’t ever decide if they love or hate each other.”

  “Fine line,” I say, following her back to her kitchen where she has mugs of hot chocolate and plates of cookies set out and ready. “Wow, you didn’t have to do all this.”

  She shrugs as she sits across from me. “It’s what I love to do.”

  “You’re a wasted talent at the market bakery. You should open your own place,” I tell her, biting into one of the best cookies I’ve ever had.

  “Thank you,” she says softly, and I see her cheeks pink in a blush.

  “I mean it.”

  “I’d love to. I dream about it even. But I don’t have the funds to do something like that or have any idea how. Unfortunately, I think it’ll stay a dream.”

  I shake my head at her. “No way. You need to share this deliciousness with others.” I pause then. “Wait, but you’ll still bring me cookies, right?”

  She just laughs and shakes her head. I don’t know what that means. I might have just screwed myself here.

  “I could help you, you know,” I tell her. “I know a thing or two about running a business. I didn’t start it though. That’d be new to me, but we could figure it out.”

  “You’d do that? Help me?” she asks innocently, like no one has ever helped her before.

  “Of course I would. Cup of sugar, right?”

  “Right,” she shyly smiles.

  “Know what you’d name it?” I ask after a few too many seconds of silence between us.

  “Tilly’s?” she laughs. “No idea.”

  “Cookie’s.”

  “You want more?” she asks, not understanding what I mean.

  “No. You should name it Cookie’s.”

  “Why’s that?” she asks, sitting back in her chair with her knees pulled to her chest.

  “Seems a fitting name for you, Cookie, since you’re always feeding me cookies. So, naturally, Cookie’s seems good.”

  She busts out laughing at that. “Cookie? That sounds like a stripper name!”

  “That is not how I meant it,” I say, raising my hands in defense.

  “I know, I know,” she says, still laughing, waving her hand in front of her face.

  I finish my hot chocolate and stand to leave. Penny asks to stay, and since Tilly did
n’t mind, I didn’t either.

  Tilly walks me to the door, and I pull on my boots. “Thanks for the hot chocolate.”

  “No problem.”

  “Talk to you later, Cookie,” I tell her as I make my trek in the snow next door. I hear her laughter behind me, and it makes me smile. It felt good to smile and laugh. It’d been too long.

  Today was a good day.

  The next day Penny asked me if Santa was real. I told her the truth and she burst into tears, running into her room yelling that she was so stupid for not knowing sooner. And I died at the fact that I killed my little girl’s dreams.

  “Penny?” I hedge into her room, where she’s lying on her bed, crying into her pillow.

  “Go away, Santa!” she yells at me. I can’t help it; it was funny. I snort a laugh at her. “It’s not funny, Daddy!”

  “You’re right; it’s not,” I agree, sitting down by her feet. “Would you have rather I lied to keep it up?” I ask, wondering how badly I just screwed up my kid’s childhood.

  She shrugs her shoulders as she sits up to face me. “Does that mean the Easter bunny too?”

  I nod my head at her. “And the tooth fairy.”

  “It’s alright; she was cheap.”

  “Hey!” I yell, tickling her side.

  “Other kids at school got five bucks a tooth, and I only got twenty-five cents. Cheap.”

  I laugh, pulling her into my side. “Yeah,” I sigh. “And I only forgot once.”

  “Twice.” I look at her confused because I swear it was only one time. “I tested a theory last week.” She shrugs.

  “Oh?” I raise a brow at her. “Did I pass?”

  “Nope. I knew something was up.”

  “Ah, so that was the beginning of the spiral to this point, huh?” She nods her head. “I think I have another letter for you,” I tell her. She perks up and looks at me with expectant eyes full of excitement.

  I find the letter in her box and bring it to her to read. She opens it and reads it aloud to me.

  Uh oh, Baby Girl. Did you find out some devastating news today?

  I know it can be a little confusing when you find out that something you believed for so long isn’t true. Santa, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, all those elves on the shelves… all parents.

  But before you get mad, just think about all the trouble all those parents go to to make their kids happy. To see smiles on their faces. To keep them young and innocent and believing. Your daddy did that. Now that is what is so unbelievable. Your daddy loves you so much that he did all those things, gave you all those gifts and surprises because he wanted to. Because he loves you.

  How many bottles of nail polish did you get? Or other girlie things? Now, imagine your daddy shopping for all those things. Pretty awesome, right? And a little bit funny. So, give your daddy a big hug. And another from me. And remember how amazing he is.

  I love you, Penny!

  Momma

  Penny barely finishes reading her letter before she throws her arms around me, hugging me tightly. “I love you, Daddy. Momma’s right. You are amazing. I’m so lucky to have you.”

  “I love you, too, LP.” I clear my throat, fighting back emotions. “I’d buy all the girlie shit all over again.”

  “You owe a dollar, mister.”

  “And that’s why you only got a quarter from the tooth fairy,” I tell her, pulling a dollar from my wallet to add to her swear jar.

  Chapter 7

  Travis

  Six Years After Josie

  Groaning, I reach for my buzzing phone on my nightstand. It’s just past two in the morning, and Tilly is calling me. This can’t be good.

  “Tilly?” I croak out in my sleep-deprived state. I only fell asleep a little bit ago.

  “I’m sorry to wake you up,” she says in a panicked rush. “I can’t find Jesse. I woke up to use the bathroom, and his bedroom door was open. I went to close it, but when I looked inside, his bed was empty and his window was open. I looked all over the house and around the yard, but I don’t know where he is,” she tells me quickly, sounding winded. “Travis, I’m scared,” she adds in a whisper.

  “Don’t panic. We’ll find him. Let me wake Penny and see if she knows anything.”

  “You don’t—”

  “I’ll call you back in a few minutes,” I cut her off, not giving her an option.

  Hanging up with her, I scrub my tired face with my hands and pull on a pair of shorts and a shirt, heading down to Penny’s room.

  Quietly, I open her bedroom door, not wanting to scare her. I pause mid-step when I look at her bed and see two bodies there instead of one. I squint my eyes to be sure I’m seeing what I think I am, and sure enough, it’s Jesse wrapped around Penny’s back. Both of them are sound asleep.

  I fight the urge to wake him up and throw him out of my house for sneaking out and climbing in bed with my little girl, but then I remember that they are just kids. And as much as I hate to admit it, I see so much of myself in him. Looks like climbing through the windows of our best friends to sleep in peace is another similarity we share.

  I release a breath, accepting that this is innocent and that I need to trust my baby girl to tell me if it’s anything else. I leave them to sleep, finding my phone to call Tilly back, but when I look outside, I see her pacing back and forth out back.

  Slipping on my shoes, I walk outside to join her. Her head snaps to me, and I can tell she’s been crying. I give her a small grin of reassurance as I walk toward her.

  “He’s inside in Penny’s room,” I tell her.

  “What?” she asks breathlessly, wiping tears from her damp cheeks. I fight the need to wipe them away for her, to comfort her.

  “Penny’s window is across from his. He must have climbed in. He’s safe. They’re fast asleep.”

  Her hand goes to her mouth to muffle a sob that falls from her. “I thought I lost him.”

  Not able to stop the pull I feel to comfort her, I close the space between us and wrap my arms around her. She sinks into me, her arms tucked up under her as she cries into my chest. I stand there holding her in the darkness of night while she cries all the tears she needs to. For the first time in a long time, it feels good to comfort someone else.

  After all her tears are gone, she steps back out of my embrace and gives me an awkward smile. “I should get back to bed.”

  “Tilly…” I start, but I don’t know what to say.

  “Night, Travis.” She gives me another weak smile. “Thank you.” She turns and walks inside her house, leaving me there lost in my thoughts. Which is never a good thing.

  I collapse into the lounge chair that once belonged to Josie, her favorite place to sit curled up with a book or Penny or me. “What am I doing, Joes?” I ask the open air, needing her to hear my plea.

  Anger hits me fast. I sit up, swinging my legs to the side, and my fist connects with the back of the chair. I’m not mad at Josie; I’m mad at myself. I’m mad at myself for holding another woman—no matter how innocent it was. I hit the chair again, letting out a growl into the night. That growl turns into a cry as my fist opens and my head drops into my hands.

  “You weren’t supposed to leave again,” I cry. “We were supposed to do this together. We were supposed to have gotten our second chance, our life together. Our always,” I tell the sky, tilting my head up then. “Why doesn’t it ever hurt less? Why do I still feel like I’m slowly dying without you? Why do I still not want anyone but you?”

  I sniff and fall back once again into the chair, closing my eyes and letting tears of love and anguish fall down my face.

  “Travis?” I freeze, squeezing my eyes shut harder when I hear Tilly’s timid voice. “I’m sorry, I heard someone talking. I just…” she trails off but doesn’t leave.

  “It was me,” I confess after minutes of tortured silence.

  “I can leave. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t go.” I say the words without thinking, and I’m sure it surprises her as muc
h as it does me. I slowly open my eyes, turning my head to look at her. She looks unsure, nervous. I sit up and pat the spot next to me. Slowly, she walks toward me and sits, her back ramrod straight.

  “I was talking to Josie,” I tell her.

  “Was that your—”

  “My wife.” I choke on those two words. It feels wrong to talk about Josie with another woman. I run my hands through my hair, not knowing what to do or say now.

  “You can talk about her if you want to. With me. I don’t mind.” She sounds genuine, but I still don’t know if I can. I turn my head to look at her and meet her kind brown eyes. A small smile pulls on my lips.

  “Thanks, Cookie,” I grin at her, making her shy smile grow.

  Shit. What am I doing? Am I flirting with her now after I just had a mental breakdown for comforting her?

  “You should try to get some sleep,” I tell her, standing and pulling her up to stand too. She nods her head, turning to go, but I stop her, grabbing her hand.

  Brown eyes, the opposite of Josie’s, go wide finding mine swirling with questions and unknowns. But then they fall, landing on my mouth, and when they slowly rise again, I swallow all my own questions and guilt.

  I pull her to me, crashing my mouth to hers. We stand frozen, neither of us knowing if or how to move. My hand goes to the back of her head and her lips part, inviting me in. Squeezing my eyes shut, I take her invitation, my tongue grazing the tip of hers, and it lights a match in what’s been dark for a long time.

  We stand there kissing, slowly, tentatively, testing and tasting. Unsure and shy. I pull back, breaking a kiss that I didn’t know I wanted. She keeps her head down and peeks up at me through her thick lashes. Her tongue licks her lip and teeth graze the soft flesh, and it stirs things that haven’t stirred in years.

  Cupping her jaw, I lean in. “Night, Cookie,” I whisper against her lips, leaving a soft kiss there before I turn and walk away.