Damned

by Bec Botefuhr

  I stare at her with raised eyebrows and a mouth full of food. I swallow it then speak. “You got a little thing for the Captain?”

  “Nah, I think it’s just a normal womanly reaction. He is so damned hot it is hard not to want to be in his bed every night, but I have to share.”

  “You sleep with him too?”

  I feel hurt; I know he sleeps around, but I assumed it was only Gazelle.

  “Yeah, here and there.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’m sorry Jade, I thought you knew?”

  “I did, it’s just tough.”

  “Gazelle takes favor, I don’t know why. I think she is just easier and prefers to hurt him. I never really got into it, I don’t like to hurt people. I am a healer. And besides, he gets so taken up with it sometimes and hurts us. With those damned claws.”

  “Claws?” I ask, confused.

  “You…you…oh…”

  “Sam what?”

  “You don’t know about the curse?”

  “What bloody curse?”

  “Oh. Jade. Talk to Jax.”

  “Sam!”

  She stands and leaves before I can get any more information out of her. What claws? What curse? I sit on my bed, pondering it, when suddenly my door bursts open. Jax saunters in, drunk as a skunk.

  “Do you mind?”

  He stares at me. “I wanna talk to you.”

  “Good because I want to talk with you.”

  He begins walking in until he meets my bed, then he kneels down onto it and actually crawls towards me, so I begin backing up until my back is pressed against the wall. He shoves his body so close to mine; I can taste the rum on his breath.

  “You’re too close, move away.” I breathe.

  He grins. “Can’t handle it? I thought you didn’t want me, if you don’t want me what does it matter?”

  “Every girl wants you Jax, now move off.”

  “So you do want me?”

  “Jax.”

  “I want you, I am so god damned hard it’s killing me. I haven't fucked a woman for over two months.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “Really? Why not.”

  “They bore me…you however…”

  “Not interested.”

  “You said that to me years ago and…”

  “You broke my heart.” I snarl.

  He sits back then and runs a hand through his hair; I can see the bulging in his jeans. He really is…err…horny.

  “I told you Jade, not to fall in love with me, and I told you what I would do if you did.”

  “A letter? Really? That was ok with you? To just ditch me with a pathetic little note?”

  “What did you want me to do?” He yells. “Come and say goodbye? It wouldn’t have worked, and you know it.”

  “So you ran off, with no explanation.”

  “You know damn well why I ran, you said you loved me.”

  “WHATS SO BAD ABOUT THAT?” I scream.

  “I am dangerous; I am not good and I warned you over and over about that!”

  “And why are you no good Jax, why don’t you inform me?”

  “I already did.”

  “No, you didn’t. You never told me about the curse.” I am making a wild guess throwing that one out there, but his face hardens.

  “Who told you about that?”

  “That’s besides the point, you tell me why I didn’t know about it.”

  “I am a fucking monster Jade, I wasn’t about to tell you.”

  “So tell me now.”

  He growls, running his hands through his hair. “I am cursed, from a treasure. My entire crew is. We have a monster inside us all. We can bring it out when we need, but it took a lot of control to get to that point so if we get raging mad or our emotions get too high it can come out on its own.”

  “Monster?” I whisper.

  “We grow claws, teeth, get bulkier, taller…”

  “Exuse me?”

  He closes his eyes a moment, when he opens them, they are red. All those times I thought I saw red, I was right? I gasps and press further back into the wall; he holds his hands up and claws shoot from the ends of his fingers. I scream and slide off the bed, backing up. The door swings open then, and Rusty comes in, realizing what is happening he stands in front of Jax.

  “Come on Cap, this isn’t the time.”

  Jax sucks the claws back, and his eyes return to their usual blazing green. I blink and shake my head.

  “I-I-I don’t understand. How?”

  “I told you, a treasure. It gets a whole lot worse than that. When changed in a rage, I will kill whoever is nearby.”

  “You…you would kill me?”

  “If you were near.”

  “Oh god.”

  “Don’t anger me Jade and it won’t happen.”

  “CAP.” Rusty snaps. “Enough.”

  “Jade, we will tell you of the curse further another time. Come on love, get some rest.”

  “This conversation isn’t over.” Jax growls at me; standing and shoving Rusty away as he tries desperately to drag him down the hall.

  I wait until they are gone; then I shut the door and slide onto bed, shaking from what I have just witnessed. A monster? A real life monster? I should have known, all the hints he dropped. The fact that he loves to be hurt, that he loves to hurt. Oh, could I deal with this? It changes so much. My phone rings and I glance down, Keegan. Guilt washes over me, it isn’t fair on him for me to lead him on when I know full well my interest is no longer with him. I hate what Jax is, hate that he is so harsh to me, and yet I am not done with him.

  “Keegan, hi.”

  “Are you ok? I have been trying to ring for hours.”

  “I was sleeping, different time zone out here on the ocean.” I lie.

  “Right, of course.”

  “Keegan…we need to talk…”

  “No Jade, we are not doing this. Not breaking up because you’re with that ridiculous pirate again. What about everything we planned? I can take care of you; he cannot. He is a pirate; you will eventually die out there. Is that really the life you wish to lead?”

  “It’s not about him, it’s about me. I need to find myself, the me who isn’t a princess. I can’t do that with you; it’s not fair for me to be out here months on end and make you wait, not even knowing what I want.”

  “Don’t; not now, I care for you Jade you know that. Don’t break my heart.”

  “I am sorry Keegan. I need time to find myself.”

  “And die.”

  “I won’t die.”

  “You don’t know that, it’s a deadly world out there Jade, you said so yourself.”

  “I have to do this Keegan, I wish you all the happiness, truly I do.”

  “Jade…”

  I hang up the phone as tears slide down my face; I know it is for the best, but I do hope to god I am not making a gigantic mistake. I slide out of my room, desperate for some fresh air. I walk up on deck; the small light is on, shining enough for me to see. I see Jax standing and staring out at the ocean, a cigarette in his hand. Jax smokes? He hears me approach and turns, his eyes meet mine and I feel shivers tear through me. Would he think I was staying for him? And if he did, would he make me leave?

  “Thought you never wanted to see me again.”

  “I never said that, so don’t put words in my mouth. Can we talk?”

  “Yeah.”

  I walk up beside him and stare out at the ocean; it is so beautiful so calm.

  “It’s about everything. I want you to know I am past what happened. I am angry yes, and hurt that you left the way you did, but I am over you. I got over you when I was forced to. I am not here to try and fix anything or attempt a relationship with you again, I know your views on love, and I accept them. I do want to stay though…I have nowhere else to go.”

  He turns to face me. “I thought you were going to America?”

  “Well…here’s the thing. We kind of broke up.”

  He raises an eyebrow. �
�Why?”

  “He isn’t what I want, the fact is I don’t want anybody, I just want to find myself. I have no home anymore Jax, no place to go; I won’t stay forever it’s just…”

  “You can stay.” He says simply, turning back to face the water once more. “But there are terms, a lot of them. And it’s dangerous; you could die or watch your friends die, can you handle that? And more, can you handle seeing the crew worse than what I showed you in there? Because when we change, it’s deadly and scary.”

  “As I said, I have nothing else…so yes.”

  “Then you need to learn some basic skills; shooting, lining up the cannons, things like that. You won’t be involved in any attacks, end of story but you need to know how to protect yourself, and Jade?”

  “Yeah?”

  “If you fall in love with me again, I will kick you off.”

  I make an odd sound, but nod. “I am not in love with you.”

  “I don’t know if I believe that you got over it.”

  “I got over it Jax, as I said, it was lust. Love isn’t something grown that quickly; I cared a lot about you, but I didn’t love you.” LIAR.

  “Fine, if you say so. I don’t want any drama’s between you girls; I fuck Gazelle often enough and I do not need shit going on about that. Clear?”

  “W-why would I care?” I force myself to say.

  He turns to narrow his eyes at me. “If you don’t care, then everything will run smoothly.”

  I nod.

  “And one more thing…” He says, crushing out his cigarette and turning to me. “Don’t even try and sleep with me, I have no interest in taking you to my bed.”

  I actually gasp. “Are you serious? You just said that?”

  “I am making it clear, uncomplicated, I don’t need a repeat of the past.”

  “Fine, whatever. Go and hump miss piggy but the same goes Jax, if I am not allowed to be angry over it then neither are you.”

  He snorts. “What, you gunna shag Rusty?”

  I glare at him. “You’re not the only handsome man on this ship, mate.”

  It clicks then. “Jack?”

  I shrug. “We get along and I want to….expand my knowledge a little. It’s something I enjoyed and I don’t want to be starved of it any longer.”

  He looks as though he wants to explode, but instead he nods and shrugs. “Do whatever, couldn’t care less. Just stay outta my way.”

  I shoot him a livid look. “So how do you propose I learn about the pirate life, if I cannot communicate with the Captain? Can’t we even be friends Jax?”

  “We lost that a long time ago, I can’t be your friend. I can, however, be your captain. I will teach you to shoot in the morning, be here at seven am sharp.”

  Without another word he turns and walks off, leaving me more dazed and confused than I was before.

  CHAPTER 9

  They say being drunk is like being free, about not feeling any emotion or pain. It is true; it certainly does make one feel better. It doesn’t, however, make you act like a proper person. Especially when you have downed half a bottle of rum, on an empty stomach. And so I stand; rotten drunk in the dining room later that night, changing songs on the jukebox.

  “JADE,” One of the crew members yell. “Stop changing the fucking songs.”

  I throw up my middle finger over my shoulder.

  “No more, it’s too loud. Sit down woman.”

  “Assholes.” I mutter, turning the music down and spinning to shoot them an angry, drunken glare.

  Jax is sitting and watching me from his position at the head of the table, amusement flicking in his gaze as he continues to entertain himself with my little rebellious outburst. It’s my life now, and I don’t plan on living it like a prude any longer.

  “Jade, come on sweetheart, sit down.” Says Jack, touching my shoulder. I jump, spinning around to wrap my arms around his neck.

  “Kiss me Jack.”

  He hesitates as I push my body against him, but when I bring my lips down on his, he melts. Kissing Jack is nice, he tastes great and even makes me feel warm inside. It is then I know; I could fall for Jack if I wanted to. If I could move on from Jax that is. His kiss deepens and I become lost in the moment until I hear a sour voice.

  “Good lord, the girls a whore. I don’t know why you ever wanted her.”

  I pull away from Jack and hear him call my name as I bound towards Gazelle, she is sitting on Jax’s lap. When did she manage that?

  “What did you say?” I hiss.

  “You heard me, you are acting like a whore.”

  “And you can talk? Have you looked at yourself lately?”

  “Perhaps, but I have the man, don’t I?” She smirks, referring to Jax.

  “I couldn’t care less.”

  Jax’s eyes never move off my face; his look is deep and intent.

  “Really? We all know why he ran; it was because you fell in love with him.”

  “Whatever.”

  “It was so obvious, I could see it from day one. You’re just one of those girls; a man just has to kiss you and you love him. You’re soft, weak and emotionally challenged.”

  “You know nothing about me,” I roar. “Unlike yourself, who is nothing but a fat, pig…”

  She leaps up, grasping my hair and yanking my head to the side before slamming a fist into my lip, blood pours down my face. I scream and shoot my foot out to connect with her shins.

  “ENOUGH.” Jax roars, grasping her and tossing her backwards.

  “Whatever, I’m done.” I snap, turning and stumbling out of the dining room.

  I managed to make it to my room and fall onto the bed. Bunch of dirty, stinking pirates and their whores. Yeah right, as if I really feel like that. Damn them. Damn them all. I step into the bathroom, and I am bleeding heavily, wonderful. Thank god I heal so quickly or I would look simply marvellous tomorrow. I hear the door of my bedroom open, so I walk out. Jax is standing at the door with a first aid kit in hand.

  “I don’t need that.” I mutter, nodding my head towards the kit.

  “You’re bleeding.”

  “I’ll heal.”

  “Well, I am doing it anyway.”

  “Leave it with me, I will do it on my own. Thank you very much.” I mumble under my breath.

  “Don’t be smart with me, now sit down.”

  “No.” I snap defiantly. He glares.

  “Jade sit down, or I will throw you down.”

  “I said, no.”

  His mouth opens in a shock O; like he seriously cannot believe I am challenging him. Not the almighty Jax Watts. I smirk.

  “Cat got your tongue?”

  He narrows his stunning green eyes, and his mouth opens, but he shuts it again. Shaking his head, he puts the first aid kit down and turns to storm out.

  “Do it yourself then.”

  Ok, that wasn’t exactly how I expected that to go. He slams the door behind him, and I gape. Wow, moody bastard. I glance at the first aid kit, meh, later. I fall onto my bed, and that’s where I stay until six am the next morning when a knock or should I say, pounding on my door wakes me. I groan and slide from my bed to open the door. Jax stands, guns in hand.

  “Get dressed.”

  “Oh Jax, no.”

  “Get dressed, now.”

  “Go away.”

  He shoves the door open, flicks on the light and tosses a gun at me, which I miss, and it flies onto the ground. I stare at it with a stupid look then glance back up at him.

  “Good move Captain.”

  “Dressed, now.”

  “Oh I hate you.”

  “Ditto, now move.”

  I give him a hurt look. “I get you don’t want me, I get that you’re not sexually attracted to me but honestly…hate? That hurts.”

  “You mean nothing to me anymore, you are now part of my crew, but that’s where it ends.”

  I sigh, running my hands through my hair. “Fine then, lets go.”

  I pull on some shorts, toss
my shirt off and replace it with a light jacket. Then I follow Jax out the door. When we get on deck a chilly breeze caresses my face; I sigh. Jax turns and hands me a gun.

  “Shooting is a no brainer. If you think about it, you stuff it up,” He tells me, in a monotone voice. “When you see your target, aim and shoot. Don’t think. There is a target to your left, shoot it.”

  “I don’t even know how to load the gun.”

  He growls, walks over and shows me very quickly how to load it.

  “Is there somebody else that can show me this?”

  “Shoot Jade.” He hisses.

  “Fine, keep your shirt on.”

  I turn, point the gun at the target and shoot, it hit’s about five centemeters from the middle.

  “Not bad. Try again.”

  I do, again and again. I manage a similar shot.

  “You could shoot enough to wound, which is good. Try shooting a different spot but don’t focus too long.”

  I do and manage to get the target right in the groin.

  “Well, that will certainly stop somebody.” Jax mutters.

  I turn to him and put the gun down. “Is that all?”

  “No.”

  “Well I am done.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Still sour?”

  “Yeah Jax, I still am. You said you hated me. Once, aside from all the love I had for you; we were friends. Good friends and now you say you hate me.”

  He blinks. “You said it was lust?”

  “Well it wasn’t, are you happy now? Does it mean you’re going to toss me overboard? I loved you; I did and god only knows why. And you broke my fucking heart with your little dear John letter.” I yell loudly.

  “I had no choice. I told you what I was. I didn’t just do it for me Jade; I did it for you.”

  “Why, why would you do anything for me?”

  “Because…it doesn’t fucking matter. It is how it is now Jade, end of story.”

  “Don’t I turn you on anymore?” I say, my voice cracking.

  He clamps his eyes shut and sighs. “Jade you’re as beautiful as you always were, but taking you to my bed is foolish.”

  “Why?”

  “Because you just said you used to love me, which I knew all along. I won’t risk it again.”

  “God Jax, I wish you weren't so hard.”

  “Well I am, so deal with it.”

  “Fine, fine. I am done talking about this; it’s getting me nowhere. Stay away from me too Jax, because I don’t want anything to do with you either.”