Solemate

by Lauren Mackler

  Trance States and Fear

  “Our minds are vast storehouses of information,” writes Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., in Getting the Love You Want. Our unconscious mind holds our pleasurable and painful experiences, our deepest memories even from infancy, and all the lessons from our family of origin that shape our core beliefs and habitual behaviors. When a person or event taps into that storehouse, located in what Hendrix calls the “dark, convoluted recesses of our brains,” it can trigger a trance state. Although most people tend to be unaware of the power of the unconscious mind, it is a very active and functioning part in each one of us, and it plays a crucial role in how we experience fear.

  Again, to override your fears—to move past them by managing them—you have to first understand the link between the unconscious mind and your behavior. So bear with me. I’ve drawn on Hendrix’s writing to clarify this process. It’s helpful to think of the brain as being divided into three main layers: the brain stem, the limbic system, and the cerebral cortex. Let’s take them one at a time.

  • The brain stem. The brain stem and its related structures (the medulla, thalamus, hypothalamus, cerebellum, reticular formation, and pons) are collectively referred to as the old brain. This is the part of the brain we talked about earlier, where the fight-or-flight response originates. It’s the oldest part of the brain and the most primitive, existing in fishes, amphibians, and mammals. This area of the brain automatically regulates blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, digestion, body temperature, and blood sugar. It oversees basic human functions such as eating, sleeping, posture, and balance.

  • The limbic system. The limbic system is involved in the regulation of emotions. It includes the hippocampus and the amygdala, and it covers the upper brain stem like a protective sheath. The limbic system coordinates information delivered to and from the cerebral cortex, which is the outer layer of brain matter.

  • The cerebral cortex. Generally referred to as the new brain, the cortex is the most evolved area of the brain. This is the area of the brain that differentiates us from other species. It’s the part that governs speech, motor and sensory skills, problem solving, and information processing. The cortex makes up about 80 percent of our brain matter, and it’s what gives the brain its wrinkled appearance. This is the part of the brain that’s most responsible for the development of our intellectual achievements, our civilization, and our history.

  The new brain is the part of us that’s aware of, and involved in, our present daily activities—this is the home of the conscious mind. In contrast, what goes on in the old brain goes on behind the scenes; it’s the unconscious mind. The new brain is involved in the business of perceiving and processing external phenomena in the present, while the main task of the old brain is basic self-preservation. As we go about our lives, the old brain and new brain are busy communicating with one another. As an example, when a person comes into view, the old brain and the new brain exchange and interpret information to determine whether that person is safe or a threat to our survival. The new brain’s job is to send an image of the person to the old brain, where it is scanned and compared with old images and impressions. All this happens within a fraction of a second. If someone appears whom you know, with whom you have positive associations—your beloved grandmother, for example—a signal goes from your old brain to your new brain through the limbic system, your emotional center. You’re filled with good feelings; you might reach out for a nice warm hug.

  But what if it’s not your beloved grandmother? What if it’s someone with whom you have an unpleasant or negative association? Then the limbic system sends a very different signal, one of fear, anxiety, or apprehension. Most importantly for our purposes, the old brain has no sense of time and is not always precise in its interpretations. If you see someone who, unconsciously, reminds the old brain of something terrible that happened to you—even if it happened 20 years ago—the limbic system still sets off an alarm signal, and the fightorflight response kicks in. The old brain taps right into that storehouse of information to generate your emotional responses, without discriminating between then and now, present and past. To the old brain, Hendrix notes, “Today, tomorrow, and yesterday do not exist; everything that was, still is.”3

  FEAR

  The truth is, most of our fears are not based on our current reality. They are the product of imagined fears that we conjure up in our minds. Put another way, most of our fears are the product of our own fantasies. The acronym FEAR has been floated around in the personal development field a lot and interpreted in many different ways to make a point about fear. I refer to FEAR as “Fantasized Events As Real,” because that’s precisely the process that takes place. Marybeth experienced symptoms of fear when she was sitting in a church pew during a school event. What was she afraid of? Of getting in trouble for talking too loudly; of inspiring her mother’s wrath; of making people think badly of her for talking out loud in a sanctuary; of behaving inappropriately. The entire emotional reaction was grounded in something that had no basis in reality—except in her reality as a small child; except in her old brain; except as a violation of a core limiting belief she’d brought with her from childhood, based on a rule about how to behave in church that hadn’t been tested in 20 years. Such is the nature of our emotions.

  When I was a little girl, I often had to choose between spending time with my parents in the den watching television or not spending time with them at all. Since I wanted to be with them, I ended up watching a lot of things that were inappropriate for a young child, particularly scary shows. I developed strong fears about things that go bump in the night. I can remember waking during the night, lying in bed with my heart pounding. If I needed to get up, it took every ounce of my nerve to get out of bed and walk ten feet to the bathroom. I imagined bandage-wrapped mummies or glassy-eyed vampires in my closet, under my bed, and around every corner. Then, I’d jump back into bed, my heart racing, my palms sweating. My point: the body can’t differentiate between the real and the imagined, between fantasy and reality.

  Of course, if you’re walking alone to your car in a dark parking lot at 2 a.m., you may have every reason to experience fear. You’re concerned about self-preservation. That fear is going to propel you to your car, key at the ready, as fast you can get there. However, the other kind of fear—the fear that has no basis in reality—is one of biggest things that holds people back from moving forward in their lives. Fear of meeting new people or trying something new. Fear of success and fear of failure. Fear of leaving a job you hate, getting out of a relationship that isn’t working, or moving to a new city. Fear of defying convention. Fear of being alone. Fear of change.

  Fear tends to rear its head when people attempt to move beyond their comfort zones. Each of us has a comfort zone—a set of boundaries within which we live and maintain a sense of comfort and familiarity. These are the situations and circumstances that we know and that give us a sense of security because they represent what’s familiar. Your comfort zone encompasses all that you’ve known and experienced in your life, and all your life circumstances—your job, your education, the way you dress, how much money you earn, your relationships, the car you drive, how much money you have in the bank, the home you live in, and how you spend your leisure time.

  To master the art of aloneness, you have to be able to move outside of your comfort zone. Some people’s comfort zones are more expansive than others. For example, a woman with a high-powered job who travels a lot, meets with high-level executives and government officials, has a penchant for trying new restaurants and international foods, and skydives for the thrill of it has—compared to many people—an expansive comfort zone. She might be as comfortable at an Udon Festival in Japan as she is in her own living room. But a trip to her daughter’s kindergarten class to help with the Halloween party may be outside her comfort zone because she doesn’t spend a lot of time at school compared to some of the other parents or doesn’t know what’s expected of her—or even because of a ne
gative experience she had in kindergarten. Similarly, a residential architect who meets regularly with affluent clients and interacts with construction workers and contractors every day might be just as comfortable at the country club as he is at the local diner; he talks easily with all kinds of people and is relaxed and confident. But if he’s in his mid-40s, works all the time, and is out of shape, going to a new gym may fall outside his comfort zone. We’ve all had the experience of walking into a situation that feels completely alien. Generally, if it throws us off kilter, it means we’ve left our comfort zone.

  Staying within your comfort zone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re happy there. It’s just what you’re used to. Some people have expansive natures and a great sense of adventure; others have very narrow comfort zones. Your willingness to deliberately and continually expand your comfort zone allows you greater experiences and freedom. As you master the art of aloneness, the ability to move outside your comfort zone comes into play, and to do that you have to be able to manage fear. We’ll get into how to actually do this later in the chapter.

  Whether your fear has been activated by the eruption of old, unconscious memories or by violating one of your core limiting beliefs (like the church pew incident or the terror I experienced immediately following my separation)—or simply by the prospect of moving outside your comfort zone—the result is essentially the same: FEAR. That is, your fear is being triggered by a fantasy, an imagined threat. Your fear is not based in reality. It’s based on dangers you’re imagining. Stephen Wolinsky calls this process futurizing, which he defines as “our bodies being in the present time, but our minds being in the future.” When the results we imagine are negative or catastrophic (which is often the case), that triggers a feeling of fear. Since most people have never learned effective strategies for managing their fear, their only means of escape is to back away from the edge of their comfort zone and remain stuck in their status quo.

  Moving Beyond Your Fear

  After two years in my own business, I was ready to move my office into a beautiful professional building in an upscale part of the city. I signed the lease and committed to the office build-out and renovations. The day I signed the lease, I woke up during the night and started to worry about what I had done. As I thought about the lease commitment and the money I was about to spend, I felt like the bottom was falling out of my stomach. My heart raced, and I felt short of breath. Again, I was exhibiting the classic symptoms of fear. When I looked closely at what was causing my fear, I realized I was playing a gloom-and-doom movie in my head. It went something like this: I was sitting in my nice new office and I’d spent all this money on the renovations, but I had no clients. I was going to have to give up my office because I didn’t have any money coming in. Once again, I saw myself as destitute. Of course, none of this had happened. And, when I thought about it carefully, I saw that this movie had no basis in reality. I was already running a very successful company. I had no reason to believe my business would fail. To manage my fears, I realized I was going to have to change that gloom-and-doom movie. I started, quite consciously, playing a new movie in my head. I imagined my phone ringing off the hook. I imagined a six-month wait to get on my client list. I imagined a line of clients that reached around the block. My new movie was more like the film Field of Dreams: If I build it, they will come.

  Here, step by step, is the process I followed to manage my fear. First, I recognized and acknowledged it. Then I asked myself: Where is this fear coming from? What am I imagining will happen? I became aware of the movie I was playing in my mind. Then I took another crucial step by asking myself: Is this movie based in reality? I did a reality check, just to make sure my goals and expectations were in line with the facts. I asked myself: Am I capable of doing what I plan to do? Will I be able to sustain myself and my business? Will my coaching and consulting practice support this office? Will I be able to provide for my children and myself? Do I have the skills I need? The clients? Are my clients getting good results? The answer to all these questions was “Yes.” I had a viable action plan. I’d been in my own business for two years with a strong track record of success. I already had an extensive client list. By doing a reality check, I grounded my goals and expectations in the here and now, instead of in the gloom-and-doom movie of failure. Then I consciously changed my inner movie to one that supported my moving beyond my comfort zone. I replaced the picture of failure and destitution with a picture of resounding success.

  But I didn’t stop there. I asked myself: Why am I playing this movie? What is the underlying core belief that’s invoked a trance state? I searched within myself and arrived back at the age of 13. I remembered sharing my life aspirations with my mother, announcing that I wanted to be a singer. If you’ll recall, early in my life, when I lived in California, I was singing professionally. The reality is I have a great singing voice. What was my mother’s reaction when I shared my dreams with her? She unintentionally shot them down by saying, “Before you get your hopes up, I think you should get your voice evaluated to see if you have any talent.” The underlying message that I got from her response was: I don’t think you’re good enough. Throughout my life, that message resonated through my unconscious mind every time I put myself out there and tried to achieve my professional dreams. The same fear would surface again and again—that I might not have what it takes to be successful. My core limiting belief: I’m not good enough. By signing the lease on my new office, I had violated that old belief and set off a trance state that originated from that experience with my mother nearly 33 years before.

  When you experience the sensations associated with fear, when you’re fantasizing events as real, here are five steps you can take to help you manage it and move beyond it.

  The Five Steps to Managing Fear

  Step One

  Instead of resisting it, honor the fear by acknowledging it. For example, “I’m afraid I will fail” or “I’m afraid I’ll be rejected” or “I’m afraid I won’t be good enough.”

  Step Two

  Identify the movie you’re running—the image you’re playing in your mind. Ask yourself, What am I imagining will happen?

  Step Three

  Do a reality check. Figure out if your fears have any real basis in fact. Be as methodical as you need to be.

  Step Four

  Change the movie you’re running in your head. Replace it with a movie that supports your goals rather than undermines them.

  Step Five

  Identify the core limiting belief that you may be violating by pursuing your goal. Which limiting belief set the FEAR dynamic in motion? In my own example, it was: I’m not good enough.

  Moving Beyond Your Comfort Zone

  Because they lack the skills to do so, many people never have the opportunity to face and move beyond their deepest fears. In order to master aloneness, you have to be willing to move out of your comfort zone. Many people never leave their comfort zones unless a new life situation demands it; it simply requires too much effort. What pushes them out of their comfort zone? Usually it’s a crisis of some kind: an emotional crisis that leaves them so distraught that they may have trouble functioning; an illness that requires them to change the way they live; a setback that forces them to rethink their future or priorities. Major life changes, such as divorce, the death of a loved one, job loss, or a major move all are catalysts that can push you out of your comfort zone. But because most people don’t understand the dynamics of FEAR and how to move beyond it, without a major life change or crisis forcing them to do so, many people remain stuck in the status quo, unable to realize their dreams.

  One of the greatest challenges is this: when you’re standing on the edge of your comfort zone, you don’t know what lies ahead. You’re forced to imagine what lies beyond those boundaries. Just as I did when I signed the lease for my new office, most people will tend to imagine the worst-case scenario, and that induces fear. At worst, FEAR can be paralyzing; at best, it’s uncomfortable. It takes a
lot of courage to step outside your comfort zone and into the jaws of discomfort. So we procrastinate, rationalize, make excuses, and find ways to talk ourselves out of moving forward. We’re all masters at talking ourselves out of a change that will take us into the unknown.

  The future can be a scary place. But, in truth, every moment of every day, we are facing the future. As actor Anthony Hopkins said so beautifully on TV’s Inside the Actors Studio: “Today is the tomorrow I was so worried about yesterday.” The unknown becomes a lot less frightening if you do your research and then your reality check. Whenever you’re making a major decision that will take you out of your comfort zone—ending a relationship, making a commitment to something new, taking a new job, moving to a new city, making a major financial investment—the more information you can bring to the process, the better you’ll feel about it. You want to make sure it’s a grounded decision—that it’s not based on an immediate emotional reaction, which can be fleeting and spring from unconscious fears and trance states. How do you gather information about the unknown? By knowing yourself and effectively evaluating your situation or goal. Below are three things you can do when faced with a new life decision and to help you to move beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone.

  1. Weigh the pros and cons. Make a list of all the pros and cons related to making the change and evaluate them carefully. This helps you alleviate confusion and enables you to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Once you have all the pros and cons listed, go back and rate each item listed on the pro side, using a scale of 1 to 10, based on its importance or value to you (1 is the lowest importance or value to you and 10 is the highest). Now rate each item listed on the con side, using a scale of 1 to 10, based on its degree of negative impact (1 is the lowest negative impact and 10 is the highest—a deal-breaker). Now add up the total in each column and compare them. Are there more pros or cons? Are there any 10s (deal-break-ers) on your con side?