Solemate

by Lauren Mackler

  Defining Your Ideal Partner

  The first step toward becoming your ideal partner involves defining very precisely what you’re looking for and how those attributes relate to the life you want to create for yourself. The exercises that follow are an effective way to help you begin to clarify:

  • The personal qualities and life circumstances you want for yourself

  • The personal qualities and life circumstances you currently have

  • The gaps between where you are today and where you want to be

  Before you begin, prepare the environment by turning off your phone and sitting comfortably in a quiet room where you won’t be disturbed. There is no right or wrong way to do a visualization exercise, and it’s a different experience for each person. Some people are more visual than others; you may get more of a feeling than a clear picture. Just do the best you can and allow the experience to unfold naturally, instead of trying to control or direct it. If you notice that you’re trying to force it, just let go and focus on allowing versus directing the experience. I suggest either recording the exercise beforehand, so you can follow your own voice with your eyes closed during the exercise or asking a trusted friend to guide you through it. As you read through the exercise, be sure to use the word “he” or “she” where appropriate.

  Exercise: Ideal Partner Visualization

  Sit back and relax in a comfortable chair. (You can also do this exercise lying down, as long as you don’t fall asleep.) Inhaling through your mouth, take a deep breath in and slowly release it. Take another deep breath in and as you release it, allow your shoulders to relax and your belly to go soft. Notice whether there are any places of tension in your body, and allow those parts to let go and relax.

  Imagine you’re walking along the street, on your way to the home of your ideal life partner. Notice the street on which you’re walking and the area around you. Are you on a city street, out in the country, or in a suburban neighborhood? Notice what the homes are like. Are they apartments, condominiums, or stand-alone homes? And now, see yourself standing in front of the home of your ideal partner. What does it look like? Is it an apartment, a condominium, or a stand-alone house? What color is the building and what style is it?

  Now see yourself walking up to the doorway and knocking on the door. See the door open. Standing before you is your ideal life partner. The first thing to notice is his physical appearance. What does your ideal partner look like? How tall is he? What’s his hair color? How is it cut or styled? Is it long or short? What kind of clothes and shoes is he wearing? How would you describe his body type? What is his facial expression?

  See yourself stepping into your ideal partner’s home and notice what it looks like. Is it small or large? How is it decorated? What kind of furniture is in it and what, if anything, is on the walls? How would you describe the style? Is it funky bohemian, eclectic, traditional, or, perhaps, contemporary? What is the environment like? What colors permeate your ideal partner’s home?

  And now, notice the personal qualities of your ideal partner. What words would you and others use to describe her personality? Is this person outgoing, or more on the quiet and reserved side? What other adjectives would describe her inner qualities? How does your ideal partner behave? With you? Around others? Toward herself? What words would describe the way she behaves? What are your ideal partner’s interests and passions? How does she like to spend her leisure time?

  Now notice what this person does professionally. Is he employed, or does he have his own business? What is your ideal partner’s annual income? What is his work schedule? How does he feel about the work he does? Or is your ideal partner retired?

  And now, notice the life circumstances and lifestyle of your ideal partner. Does she have a large or small network of friends, social contacts, and family members? What, if any, types of sports, exercise, or recreational activities does your ideal partner do? To what, if any, clubs or social, charitable, or religious organizations does she belong? How often and to what kinds of places does your ideal partner like to go out to socialize? Does she take vacations on a regular basis? If so, how often and where?

  Now notice if there is anything else about your ideal partner that I didn’t ask. Take your time. When you’re finished with the visualization, slowly let the image of your ideal partner fade and begin to bring your awareness back into your body. Take a deep breath in and notice what, if any, emotions were evoked during this exercise. Slowly open your eyes, get your journal and pen, and complete the following exercise.

  Exercise: Ideal Partner Attributes

  Drawing from the Ideal Partner Visualization, write down the qualities of your ideal partner for each of the categories below. Try to be as specific as you can. If some of the answers weren’t clear in your visualization, just write down what you think you would like in an ideal partner. The descriptions below are provided as examples, just to give you guidance on the types of answers that fit each category.

  • Physical appearance: How does your ideal partner look and dress? Examples: stylish, casual, sophisticated, physically fit, attractive, athletic, professional.

  • Personal qualities: What personal qualities does your ideal partner possess? Examples: kind, warm, outgoing, reserved, powerful, fulfilled, enthusiastic, self-aware, honest, self-confident, accomplished, joyful, dependable, energetic, intelligent, creative, strong.

  • Behaviors: Describe how your ideal partner behaves. Examples: treats others with respect, consideration, and kindness; honestly communicates thoughts and feelings; follows through on commitments; maintains a healthy diet and lifestyle.

  • Passions: What does your ideal partner care deeply about? Examples: helping others, social justice, work/life balance, spirituality/ religion, health and wellness, personal growth, the environment.

  • Interests: What are your ideal partner’s interests and leisure activities? Examples: travel, antiques, kayaking, ballroom dancing, music, cooking, movies.

  • Home and living environment: Describe your ideal partner’s home and environment. Does he own his own home or rent? Examples: rents an apartment in the city filled with art and modern furniture, uncluttered and elegant; owns a house in a small town filled with family photographs and books, comfy and homey, with overstuffed sofas, wicker everywhere, and a beautiful garden.

  • Profession: What kind of work does your ideal partner do? Is she employed, does she have her own business, or is she retired? Some examples: self-employed with a flexible work schedule; a successful executive working in a large corporation; works in a nonprofit, mission-driven organization, and has a nine-to-five work schedule; or retired, with plenty of time to travel.

  • Financial/lifestyle: What is the annual income of your ideal partner? What kind of lifestyle does he have? Examples: earns $250,000 per year, drives a new Mercedes, eats out at fine restaurants three times a week, rents a beach house at the Hamptons for four weeks every summer; or earns $75,000 per year, drives a motorcycle, enjoys cooking and eating in, spends three weeks backpacking in South America every spring.

  • Other: List any other life circumstances of your ideal life partner that surfaced during your visualization exercise or that are important to you. Examples: has a Labrador retriever; has a large, loving extended family that lives nearby; shares close relationships with a small circle of friends; has an active social life.

  Exercise: Identifying the Gaps

  Remember, this book is about mastering the art of aloneness—not finding your ideal mate. Look carefully at your Ideal Partner Attributes list, with an eye toward determining the differences between your life and the life of your ideal partner. Whatever you’re looking for in an ideal partner is a piece of your puzzle—a key to understanding what you’re seeking in your own life. Instead of looking for a partner to complete you, you’re engaged in the process of completing yourself.

  To complete this exercise, look at all the information you uncovered about your ideal partner. You may find that your
ideal life partner is similar to you in many respects. But, at this point, you’re going to focus on identifying the differences. Now circle all the personal qualities, behaviors, passions, interests, and life circumstances of your ideal partner that you do not currently possess in your life. The attributes you’ve circled represent the gaps between the life you seek and the life you are living today. On a new page in your journal, write “My Ideal Partner Gaps” at the top. Under that heading, list all of the attributes you circled—the gaps between your current life attributes and those of your ideal partner. We’ll revisit this exercise later in the book when you begin to clearly define your Life Vision.

  CHAPTER 8

  CREATING YOUR

  LIFE VISION

  When I attended my first personal-development workshop back in 1982, I was introduced to the concepts of visualization and affirmations. I also discovered that I had very low self-esteem and, as a result, I had developed the habit of keeping people at an emotional distance and always trying to appear perfect. In an effort to build my self-esteem and deepen my connections with others, I wrote an affirmation that said, “I am loving myself and sharing my heart with others.” I hung this affirmation all around my house. I memorized it, and, just as I was taught to do in the workshop, I said it aloud a hundred times a day. “I am loving myself and sharing my heart with others.” I repeated these words over and over to myself every day for more than a year. I gained a lot of valuable lessons in that workshop, including increased self-awareness. Yet no matter how many times I repeated those words to myself, I continued to struggle with feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy.

  Visualization involves imagining something to which you aspire—a desired future state or life circumstance. A vision statement or affirmation is a clear and concise description of that future state or circumstance, written or spoken in the present tense, as if it were already true—as in “I am loving myself and sharing my heart with others.” Visualizing helps you to clarify what it is that you want, and a vision statement or affirmation helps you stay focused on achieving it. For years, I tried unsuccessfully to use visualization, affirmations, and vision statements to change myself and my life. While I’ve learned that these techniques are powerful tools for change, I’ve also learned that it’s not enough to simply visualize a future state, write down an affirmation, or say a vision statement aloud. It was only years later, when I went through the process of identifying my self-defeating behaviors and the core limiting beliefs that were driving them—and created and implemented an action plan to help me develop new, self-supporting beliefs and behaviors—that I was finally able to achieve and sustain the personal transformation to which I aspired.

  To realize the affirmation, “I am loving myself and sharing my heart with others,” I had to identify and activate the behaviors and action steps that would actually make me feel more loving toward myself and experience greater emotional connection with others. Why? Because, by failing to identify and take the necessary actions to generate the results I wanted, I was at the mercy of my subconscious impulses. In other words, my default operating system was still in the driver’s seat. So, even though I was repeating my affirmation over and over, I was still living from my conditioned self, based on the old, self-defeating patterns I learned in childhood.

  Until I became aware of my core limiting beliefs and habitual behaviors and developed a set of actions that would enable me to change them, I was powerless. No matter how many times I told myself, “I am loving myself and sharing my heart with others,” my new vision wasn’t going to become a reality. Instead of simply reciting my affirmation, here are some of the action steps I could have taken to bring that affirmation to life:

  • Invoking my Inner Nurturing Parent whenever I bumped up against one of my human flaws or made a mistake

  • Making a list of my positive qualities and the things I’d accomplished and focusing on that list every time I started to feel bad about myself

  • Practicing self-care and self-nurturance by eating healthy food and making healthy lifestyle choices in every moment

  • Identifying, honoring, and expressing my real feelings to others, even when I felt afraid of what they might think of me

  • Expressing my needs to others and setting healthy boundaries regarding what was and was not okay for me

  • Seeking out and building relationships with people who shared my values and were loving and supportive

  • Doing something special for myself once a week, such as buying myself flowers, getting a massage, or treating myself to a lovely dinner out

  The Next Steps: Creating and

  Activating Your Life Vision

  At the end of this chapter, you’re going to do a visualization exercise to define and articulate your Life Vision. You already have many of the tools you need to bring that vision to life. We spent a lot of time in Part I of this book focused on the past: your family of origin, your conditioned self, and the influences that have shaped who you are and the life you have today. We’ve talked about ways to begin to change your habitual patterns by living more deliberately, by managing your emotions and your communications more effectively, and by treating yourself differently—with compassion, nurturance, and love. We also began the process of cutting through the layers of your conditioning to uncover the authentic self—identifying your innate nature, your personal qualities, your interests and passions, and the contribution you’d like to make in your life. At this point, I hope you have a much clearer sense of who you are and have begun to take a more conscious and deliberate approach to your day-to-day life. Now, as we move forward with the work of Part II, you’ll begin to identify the attributes of your ideal life and, as we move into the next chapters, you’ll begin to activate that Life Vision by developing your support systems and an action plan to help get you where you want to go.

  Developing and activating a Life Vision is something most people don’t do because they never learned how to do it. So most people just stumble through life, drifting along on the wave of happenstance, driven by circumstances they perceive to be beyond their control. They feel as if life happens to them, that their fortunes or misfortunes are just a matter of luck—that they are powerless to determine the course of their lives. When you begin to recognize that it’s your default operating system that’s controlling the events in your life—not forces beyond your control—you’ll find that it gives you an incredible sense of freedom and power.

  Here are the steps you’ll be taking to identify and define your Life Vision:

  • Becoming aware of your conditioned self, the core limiting beliefs from your subconscious that are driving your habitual behaviors. That’s the work we began in Part I.

  • Determining the new results you want to have in your life and the new beliefs and behaviors that will produce those results. That’s the work of this chapter, which involves visualizing your ideal life. A Life Vision is a tool for changing your core limiting beliefs and behaviors, and creating and living the life you want to have.

  • Beginning to activate that Life Vision by developing an action plan that incorporates the steps you need to take to change your limiting beliefs and behaviors, along with the inner and outer support systems that will help you get there. You’ll be using the exercises from earlier chapters to help guide you.

  • Finally,, becoming conscious of everything you do as it relates to your Life Vision. You’ll develop “the observer”—the part of you that watches what you think and how you behave in each moment. Buddhists refer to this as practicing mindfulness, which is another way to say: being vigilantly aware of yourself in every moment.

  Marshall’s Story

  Marshall’s story illuminates this process at work. I first met Marshall, an energetic and engaging man, in the spring of 2005 when he came to me for career coaching. He was 29 and had begun his adult life as a professional tennis player. He loved the game, but he left the pro tennis circuit after only a few years for a variety of re
asons: he was tiring of the competition, he wanted more of a mental challenge, and, as he put it, he was “aging out of the game.” He came to me because he was looking for new career options that could provide the same kind of pleasure and satisfaction he’d experienced as a tennis player. He’d developed a pattern of jumping from one job to another, first exploring jobs in sports-related organizations, and then turning to nonprofits and private foundations. But none of these jobs made him happy.

  He was certain of one thing: he wanted a career that wasn’t “all about making money”—one that was meaningful and enabled him to make some kind of contribution to the world. When he began his work with me, he was actually making very little money, giving private tennis lessons at a local indoor facility and working in the development department of an education-related foundation. He’d been there for three months, and he was unhappy yet again. The work, he said, had become boring; it wasn’t challenging enough, and he was depressed. In addition, because he kept hopping from one job to another, he was always new on the job, so he never moved beyond an entry-level salary.