During our first visit, I learned that Marshall had an undergraduate degree in marketing and management, and that his pattern of quickly losing interest in one job after another predated his tennis career. For example, immediately following graduation, he’d found a job in the marketing department of a major sporting-goods company. But he’d quit within three weeks because it wasn’t as interesting as he’d expected. Now, approaching 30, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his life. Keenly aware that something was out of whack, he told me he wanted to “figure this thing out once and for all.” He wanted to clarify his skills and interests, the direction he wanted to go, and whether or not he should go back to school. He wanted me to help him develop a strategy for achieving his new career goals—once we figured out what they were.
During our work together, we identified his family role and core limiting beliefs; his skills, passions, and interests; and, ultimately, his ideal career. We also discovered a clear connection between the limiting beliefs about money he’d adopted from his family and his pattern of job-hopping. Marshall comes from a family in which, due to a small inheritance, no one ever felt the need to work. Not only did he get the message that it wasn’t necessary to work to earn a living, he even picked up on an underlying disdain for it. In fact, every time Marshall left a job he didn’t like, his parents were always supportive. Yet the inheritance was insufficient to support generation after generation, and the money Marshall received from his family was not enough to meet his monthly expenses. His only other source of income was whatever he was able to earn. Marshall’s limiting belief—working for a living is unnecessary and bad—was undermining his ability to move forward in his career and to adequately provide for himself financially.
In order to help Marshall begin to change his beliefs and behaviors around work and money, we did a reality check. I guided him through a visualization exercise to identify the attributes of his ideal life and then figured out exactly how much that ideal life would cost him annually. When he heard the number, Marshall was flabbergasted—and frustrated. “This is a complete waste of my time,” he insisted. “I’ll never earn that much money.” In fact, it was three times what he was earning at his foundation job. “I want to love what I do,” he said. “No one who makes that much money loves what they do.” He was amazed by my response: “I love what I do, and I make more than that.” It was the first time Marshall realized that he could love his work and make a good living—enough to support the life to which he aspired.
Marshall’s next major revelation—and the point at which he very nearly abandoned the entire process—occurred during our voice dialoguing session. You’ll recall that voice dialoguing is the technique developed by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone through which the different parts of a client can be expressed. Two things occurred during that session. First, it became clear to Marshall that he had a lot of different aspects. There was a part of him that was fulfilled by tennis and a part that really wanted to make a contribution to the world; a part that craved intellectual stimulation and a part that was excited by change and the prospect of doing new things. He’d gone through life believing that a job should satisfy every part of him; when it didn’t, he’d leave. He’d also fallen into a pattern of taking jobs that were routine and uninspiring, jobs where he would quickly lose interest. Marshall realized he needed a job that engaged him in a variety of different ways to fulfill his need for change and stimulation; but he also recognized for the first time that he might be asking too much by expecting his career to fulfill every part of him. That recognition gave him a tremendous sense of freedom. He was empowered by it.
But something else happened during the voice dialogue. A recollection from Marshall’s past triggered feelings of anger, which he had difficulty expressing. I suggested that we take some time to address his anger. But Marshall couldn’t understand how his inability to express anger related to his career goals. “What does this have to do with my career?” he asked. My answer: “If you don’t figure this out, you’ll just be continuing the old patterns driven by your conditioning, and that, in turn, will continue to limit your ability to fully realize your professional potential.”
He agreed, and we did more work on exploring the anger issue, concentrating on the role he played in his family of origin. The process gave him more valuable information. Growing up, Marshall lived in a household that was full of drama. His parents fought a great deal. He had two older sisters, both of whom were outgoing and quite outspoken. They tended to steal the limelight. So Marshall became the observer of what he calls “all this craziness.” He became the quiet one, the good child, the approval-seeker—he took on the role of the Lost Child. As a result, he grew up feeling invisible and unimportant—and keeping a lot of anger and resentment bottled up inside. Through this work, he saw how he had replicated this dynamic by taking jobs in which he felt undervalued and undercompensated, and how, instead of addressing those concerns, he simply quit and moved on to something else. This was another valuable piece of Marshall’s puzzle. Everything started to fit together.
When Marshall saw how the role he had adopted in his family also connected to his career choices, he began to feel better about himself. He stopped judging himself and seeing himself as a victim. He began to take responsibility for his own life. Through that recognition, he gained a new confidence.
As we began to focus more directly on the issue of work—his strengths and interests, what he wanted and didn’t want—he began to gain a better perspective on his options. Ultimately, Marshall realized he wanted to create his own business, one that would promote the importance of fitness to the next generation. In researching possibilities, he learned about a new national program promoting fitness in schools, and he contacted them to find out more about it. The directors of the program were intrigued by Marshall’s experience as a tennis pro and how they might work together. Through those discussions, Marshall saw an opportunity to create a business that lined up professional athletes who would travel around the country talking to students about health and fitness and promoting fitness events for kids. Then we developed a step-by-step action plan for bringing his vision to life—one that included a strategy for segueing from his current job into his new work, developing a strategic business plan, and negotiating an initial contract with this national organization. He decided to start small, at the local level, and grow from there.
At one point, while he was visualizing his ideal life, Marshall imagined an auditorium full of kids listening to him talk about health and fitness. He imagined organizing a series of tennis instructional events linking kids and sports professionals. He imagined working with a network of athletes committed to the common goal of promoting youth fitness—all from an office in his apartment. And he imagined traveling all over the country. The purpose of that visualization exercise was to help Marshall find his focus. Today, he is a consultant who promotes youth fitness. Marshall’s new career provides him with the variety and stimulation he craved and offers new challenges every day.
Marshall is working toward earning a living that can sustain his ideal life; he’s living in alignment with his authentic self, and he approaches every day with energy and enthusiasm. Marshall didn’t arrive where he is today though visualization alone. He did the work of identifying the core limiting beliefs and habitual behaviors that had been holding him back; he explored his innate nature to discover his untapped need for stimulation, variety, and challenge. He had to find his focus, and then he had to create an action plan to bring his new vision to fruition. Visualizing his dream job was just one step in the process of finding professional fulfillment. For you, visualizing your Ideal Life is just one step in the process of mastering the art of aloneness. That’s the step you’re about to take.
Finding Your Focus
In order to create—and live—the life to which you aspire, you first need to become clear about what that life looks like. This exercise is not unlike the Ideal Partner Visualization exercise you did earl
ier, only this time, you’re the subject of the visualization: your ideal home, lifestyle, personal qualities, passions, and interests. The Ideal Life Visualization is an effective way to begin to clarify the personal qualities you want to have, the behaviors you want to activate in your relationship with yourself and others, and the experiences and circumstances you want to have in your personal and professional life. Before you move into the meditative part of this exercise, I want to remind you that this exercise is about visualizing the ideal life you could create and sustain on your own—that is, with or without a partner.
Exercise: Ideal Life Visualization
Before you begin, prepare the environment by turning off your phone and sitting comfortably in a quiet room where you won’t be disturbed. There is no right or wrong way to do this exercise, and it’s different for each person. Again, I suggest either recording the exercise beforehand, so you can follow your own voice with your eyes closed during the exercise, or asking a trusted friend to guide you through it.
Sit back and relax in a comfortable chair. (You can also do this exercise lying down, as long as you don’t fall asleep.) Inhaling through your mouth, take a deep breath in and slowly release it. Take another deep breath in, and as you release it, allow your shoulders to relax and your belly to go soft. Notice if there are any places of tension in your body and allow those parts to let go and relax.
Imagine that you are walking someplace in nature, along a beautiful path. As you come to the end of the path, you come to a clearing that leads to an open field full of wildflowers. Off in the distance, in the middle of this field, is a large, white movie screen. As you make your way to the movie screen, it suddenly snaps to life, and you see that there is a movie playing on the screen. It is the movie of your ideal life, in which you are the star—you as your authentic self, expressing your fullest potential in every part of your life.
The first thing to notice in this ideal life movie is your physical appearance. As your optimal self, what does your physical form and body look like? What kind of clothes are you wearing? How is your hair cut or styled? What kind of expression do you have on your face?
Where are you? Notice your ideal physical environment. Do you live in a city, a small town, out in the country, or in a suburb? See yourself arriving at your home. Notice what the exterior of your ideal home looks like. Is it a freestanding home, an apartment, or a condo? What is its style? Now open the door and go inside. How does it feel? Look around you. How is it decorated? What’s on the walls? What color is it? What kind of furniture surrounds you? Are the rooms large and airy, or small and cozy? Walk around. Open doors. Look in the rooms. What do you see?
Do you have any pets? What kind? Any musical instruments? Is there anything around you that you cherish or a space that you particularly appreciate? What’s special to you?
Now allow the scene to change and see yourself at work. What kind of environment do you work in? Do you work outside your home, or do you work at home? Notice the physical surroundings. What does the space look like? Are you working alone or with others? Are you employed or are you your own boss? Notice what you’re doing in your work. What kinds of activities, tasks, or projects are you doing? What is your work schedule like? What skills, talents, and abilities are you using? What is your annual income? What is the contribution you’re making in your work? How do you feel about the work that you do?
Now notice what kinds of personal qualities you possess as your optimal self. What words would describe how you feel inside yourself and in your life? Joyful? Loving? Confident? Energetic? You choose the words that best describe the kind of person you are. Imagine the words others might use to describe your personal qualities.
In this ideal movie, what kind of relationship do you have with yourself? How do you treat and behave toward yourself? What’s your daily routine like? How do you take care of yourself? What’s your exercise regimen? What’s your day-to-day life like? What do you do to love and nurture yourself?
Now notice the way your ideal self behaves with other people. How do you act when you’re around them? What kinds of words do you use? How do you treat others? How are you treated by them?
What kind of people do you have in your ideal life, and what kind of relationships do you share? Do you have a large circle of friends you spend time with or, perhaps, a smaller circle of good friends? What are your friends like? What kinds of activities do you share with them? What kinds of words describe your relationships? Supportive? Accepting? Caring? Do you go out with friends? Do you have them over to your house? When you do, is it formal or casual? Do you share any activities—such as sports or community events or volunteer work?
In your ideal life, how do you spend your personal time? Your evenings? Your weekends? Your vacations? What are your interests and passions? What do you enjoy doing?
Is there anything else about your ideal life that’s important to you? Take your time and continue to visualize your ideal life. When you’re finished, slowly let the image of your ideal life fade and begin to bring your awareness back into your body. Take a deep breath in, and notice what, if any, emotions were evoked during this exercise. Slowly open your eyes, get your journal and pen, and complete the following Ideal Life exercises.
Exercise: Ideal Life Attributes
Take out your journal and, drawing from the Ideal Life Visualization, complete each statement below. If you do not have a clear picture of how to complete some of these statements based on your Ideal Life Visualization, just complete this section based on the attributes you’d like to have in your ideal life. Take your time and be as specific as you can be.
In my ideal life . . .
• Words that describe my physical appearance are:
• The kind of home and environment I live in is:
• Words that describe the personal qualities I possess are:
• The ways I behave toward myself are:
• My professional work, contribution, and income are:
• The ways I behave toward others are:
• Words that describe the qualities of my relationships with others are:
• The things I do in my leisure time are:
• My passions and interests are:
• Other aspects of my ideal life are:
Exercise: Ideal Personal Qualities,
Behaviors, and Life Circumstances
Now you’re going to begin to focus on the specific personal qualities, behaviors, and life circumstances that will move you forward in mastering the art of aloneness. The purpose of this exercise is to identify all the attributes—the personal qualities, behaviors, and life circumstances—that you would like to bring to reality in yourself and in your life but that you do not yet possess. You’ll be using the information gleaned from the Ideal Life Attributes exercise you just completed, as well as from earlier exercises. You may want to refer back to your journal for the insights you gained from your Retrieving the Authentic Self exercises and Defining Your Ideal Partner exercises, particularly the items you circled in Identifying the Gaps. Let all these exercises be your guide as you hone in on the personal qualities, behaviors, and life circumstances to which you aspire in your ideal life. Remember, you’ll be identifying attributes of your ideal self and ideal life that you do not already possess.
Personal Qualities
Open your journal and write “My Ideal Personal Qualities” at the top of a new page. Now make a list of all the personal qualities you aspire to in your ideal life but do not already possess. Below are some examples of personal qualities, but feel free to write down any personal qualities that are important to you:
Compassionate
Loving
Creative
Flexible
Authentic
Self-confident
Charismatic
Accepting
Passionate
Self-disciplined
Playful
Spontaneous
Generous
Re
sourceful
Strong
Intelligent
Adventurous
Inspiring
Intuitive
Peaceful
Gentle
Physically fit
Healthy
Balanced
Energetic
Nurturing
Behaviors
Now write “My Ideal Behaviors” in your journal. Beneath that heading, list all the behaviors that you aspire to in your ideal life but do not already possess. Again, I’ve provided some examples to help guide you, but feel free to write down any behaviors that are important to you.
Life Circumstances
Now write the heading “My Ideal Life Circumstances” in your journal, and then record all the life circumstances you aspire to but do not already possess. I’ve listed some examples below as a guide, but include any life circumstances that are important to you.
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