CHAPTER 9
BUILDING AN
INNER AND OUTER
SUPPORT SYSTEM
I have a friend who is a freelance graphic designer. Barbara lives alone and works out of her home, a lifestyle that can be isolating and challenging. But she has developed a system of inner and outer supports that are essential to her sustenance. She belongs to a professional group that meets once a month for lunch to talk about everything from new graphic design technology to how to deal with clients. Through that group, Barbara has not only gained valuable insights into and inspiration for her work, but has also made invaluable friendships. Several other members of the group have become close friends; she sees them for lunch, dinner, movies, or trips to the local museum. When Barbara gets bogged down in work, she often turns to a handful of colleagues she’s known for years; she talks to them regularly on the phone from her in-home office about design, about the creative process, about whatever is on her mind. And she makes it a point to meet friends or colleagues for lunch at least twice a week. When she feels drained and overworked, she’ll sneak off to a movie or nearby exhibit in the afternoon by herself.
Although Barbara doesn’t have a romantic partner, she has an active social life. She and another friend formed a dinner group made up of singles and couples who get together three or four times a year to talk about the arts, culture, and politics. Through her professional and dinner groups, she has gotten to know new people who share her interests and her creative energy. Because Barbara works for herself, she can move her schedule around so she sees people when they’re most available—if an interesting activity comes up during the day, she can work at night, and vice versa. Flexibility allows her to see people she wouldn’t see if she had a nine-to-five work schedule.
Even so, Barbara sits in front of a computer eight hours a day, so she has to make a special effort to get plenty of exercise. She lives near a public park in a big city and walks two or three miles a day. She has two walking buddies who join her once or twice a week, so these walks provide not only exercise but also companionship. She also belongs to a nearby gym, and that gets her out of the house, around people, and gives her a workout. Barbara is a reformed smoker; she relied on a support group to kick the habit, and she attends a meeting every Saturday to keep her on track. At any given moment, you’ll find an inspirational book on her night table. She told me recently, “I just read a few pages a night, but I find it uplifting, and it keeps me focused on my personal goals.” When she feels low or is struggling with a personal issue, she uses a journal to work through her feelings. Barbara relishes the time she spends alone, designing, absorbed in her work and her life, but, like all of us, she needs the love and support of others. Her challenge is to stay inspired, energized, and engaged while she’s living and working alone—and the people in her life help make that happen. The walking, the journaling, the inspirational books, the workouts, the trips to the movies and museums—all are part of a strong inner support system. But her outer support system—the walking buddies, the professional and dinner groups, her weekly support group, the regular lunches out, and the deep professional and personal friendships she’s developed—is just as important to her.
Personal transformation begins with learning how to self-support—how to rely on yourself for your physical, emotional, and financial well-being. But there are many aspects of outer support that are just as important. For one thing, your outer support system provides the connection and tenderness of other human beings, which are essential for living a rich, full life. We all need reassurance that others share our feelings and experiences; the enrichment that comes with learning from and engaging with others; and the assistance with life’s day-to-day challenges that other people can provide.
Earlier on, I defined personal-development work as a process that involves deep self-examination and awareness of who you are, how you behave, and the results your actions generate. With greater awareness comes a more conscious choice of who you want to be and how you want to behave and interact with others. It involves conscious, deliberate decisions about the results we want to achieve in our lives and in our relationships. Personal transformation requires a high level of consciousness in your day-to-day life. It means living deliberately so that you can override the negative patterns of your life conditioning, change your limiting beliefs and behaviors, and bring your Life Vision to reality. Part of this chapter is devoted to developing positive, supportive relationships. In addition, I address the issue of enlisting professional support when you need it, including therapy and coaching.
As you embark on the process of building your inner and outer support systems, you’ll want to check in with yourself on a regular basis to determine whether you’re effectively addressing the areas of your life that need the most focus. At first, incorporating these support systems into your daily life will involve discipline and determination. But gradually they’ll become part of your day-to-day routine and, over time, an integral part of your life. These are the questions you’ll want to ask yourself every day:
• Am I loving and nurturing myself?
• Am I pursuing activities that are in alignment with my passions and life goals? Activities that inspire and motivate me?
• Am I engaged in supportive, uplifting, fun relationships that enrich my life?
• Am I taking action to create the physical health and emotional well-being, career path, financial security, experiences, relationships, and circumstances I want to have in my life?
You develop an inner support system by identifying and incorporating specific activities and actions into your life that you can do on your own as a way to replenish your inner resources and maintain your emotional, physical, and mental health. An outer support system refers to people and environments that support who you really are and help you achieve your goals.
Developing an Inner Support System
Every weekday morning a busy executive gets up and jogs for 30 minutes. Then she showers, has breakfast, and heads off to work. Three evenings a week, she sets aside an hour to play the cello. It’s a routine that both energizes and inspires her. A college professor who struggled with his weight for many years follows an intensive exercise regimen four times a week at his gym; he meditates every evening before dinner and schedules a massage or takes a sauna once a week to relax; every weekend, he fills his freezer with scrumptious sugar-free muffins so he can have an occasional treat. A newspaper reporter who’s under intense deadline pressure every day starts her mornings with a nice, quiet walk through the woods with her cocker spaniel; it replenishes her and gives her a sense of calm that helps her cope with her high-pressure workdays. She loves mystery novels, so she keeps one by her bedside table and reads 10 or 15 pages every night before she goes to sleep; she finds it inspiring and comforting. She’s found a yoga class near her office and is committed to going three times a week; it helps her stay focused. Each of these individual routines is different, but they have one important thing in common: they are conscious, active ways these people love, nurture, and care for themselves on a daily basis.
The inner support system you’re about to develop must meet two specific criteria: these are activities that are part of your routine—you do them on a regular basis—and they are all things you can do independently of anyone else. Beyond that, your inner support system is uniquely yours; the activities you do and actions you take reflect your interests, your passions, your personal preferences. What relaxes you? What inspires you? What gives you a sense of renewal and reduces stress? What quiets you? What helps you stay on course? By building your inner support system, you’ll be developing the inner resources you need to achieve your Life Vision. So, in developing your inner support system, you’ll want to look closely at the specific challenges and opportunities you’ve identified, the elements of your default operating system that you want to address, and, most importantly, your Life Vision.
Here’s an example. If your Life Vision includes “I am a fit,
energetic person,” you’ll need to develop specific action steps that will help you achieve this goal. You’ll not only want to exercise, but you’ll need to start eating right. If you don’t know a lot about nutrition, it’s time to find out more, because having a high level of energy depends on putting healthy foods in your body. You’ll also need to address any habitual thoughts or behaviors that may sabotage your ability to achieve your goals. Let’s say, for example, you use food to comfort yourself when you’re upset. If something goes wrong, you head straight for that carton of ice cream in your freezer or right over to the grocery store to pick up a box of cookies. You need to find another way to comfort yourself. It may be through deep breathing exercises or a regular meditation practice. It may be by going for long walks or working out at the gym to release tension. You may need to seek help to build your inner resources—such as a support group for overeaters, a life coach or psychotherapist, an acupuncturist, or massage therapist. In the next chapter, you’ll begin to formulate a plan and a set of specific action steps. Whatever route you ultimately take, this is the point to start thinking about the actions that can help you move forward in your life.
By developing your inner support system, you’ll be practicing self-love and building a sense of self-worth. As you experience the benefits of your efforts—whether it’s a sense of inner peace, a healthier body, higher energy, or greater self-confidence—it will reinforce the value of what you’re doing. In addition, you’ll be mastering the art of aloneness by taking responsibility for creating your own well-being, instead of depending on others to provide it.
You’ll want to develop a set of activities that addresses each of the broad headings: Health and Wellness, Relaxation and Your Inner Self, and Inspiration and Motivation. The following lists of possible actions and activities are far from complete. They’re designed to give you some examples, ideas, and insights into ways to build your inner support system. Just as importantly, these are all areas that will help you build confidence and have the energy you need to move forward. Here are a few guidelines to help you as you proceed:
• Be mindful. Approach each day consciously and deliberately, with awareness that you are actively engaged in moving beyond your conditioned self and mastering the art of aloneness.
• Keep a daily journal. If you have specific exercise goals, write them down. If you’re monitoring what you eat, write it down. Keep track of how you’re doing. The most successful systems for achieving personal goals all incorporate writing down goals and day-to-day achievements as a powerful tool. This will help you live more consciously and stay on course.
• Be flexible. If something’s not working, change it. As an example, I have a client who wanted to incorporate jogging into her daily routine. At the outset, she was jogging every afternoon after work. But she found she had little energy late in the afternoon, and she needed an afternoon snack to get through the day. It was uncomfortable for her to run with food in her stomach. She found she just wasn’t able to meet her goals. So she switched her jogging routine to first thing in the morning, and it worked much better for her. When something doesn’t work, instead of giving up, just course-correct. Try a different approach.
• Check in regularly with your intuition. Adding new activities involves moving outside your comfort zone. Remember to use your intuition to check in with your authentic self. For example, maybe everyone you know loves yoga, so you give it a try. But, the first few times, you don’t enjoy it, and the entire process makes you uncomfortable. When you feel as if something isn’t right for you, stick with it long enough to get a real sense of what’s going on and examine it carefully. Does your discomfort spring from a fear? Is it just a question of inexperience? Or is the problem a practical one? Examine these kinds of issues closely before you discontinue it. But if you find, over time, that an activity just doesn’t sit well with you, then try something else that feels more suitable.
Health and Wellness
• Eat a healthy diet. There’s a wealth of information about nutrition available online and in books and magazines. How you feel relates directly to what you consume. By eating a healthy diet, you feel better, you look better, and you have the energy you need to live a full and active life. This is crucial to mastering the art of aloneness.
• Reduce or eliminate caffeine, refined sugar, white flour, and alcohol. Minimize the use of substances that can affect your moods and energy levels.
• Exercise regularly. Do something. Do anything. Walk, jog, play tennis, ride a bike, go to a health club—but be sure it’s something you enjoy. It will pump endorphins into your system, help you look and feel better, and build your confidence. The more you stick with a good exercise regimen, the more confident you’ll feel about your ability to effect change in your life.
• Address your addictions. If you overeat, smoke, drink too much alcohol, overspend, or use drugs, find a way to address your addictions. This is a very complex and personal issue, and it is covered more fully in the section that follows on outer support systems.
Relaxation and Your Inner Self
I talked earlier about the link between your soul and your intuition. There are numerous techniques that promote greater awareness of that connection—that can help you relax and reduce stress, live in the moment, achieve a greater sense of peace, and live more authentically. In her book Eat, Pray, Love, writer Elizabeth Gilbert talks about connecting with an inner voice through a journal—this “calm, compassionate, affectionate, and infinitely wise voice (who is maybe me, or maybe not exactly me) is always available for a conversation on paper at any time of day or night . . . Maybe what I’m reaching for is God,” she writes, “or maybe it’s my Guru speaking through me, or maybe it’s the angel who was assigned to my case, or maybe it’s my Highest Self, or maybe it is indeed just a construct of my subconscious.”1In Power, Freedom, and Grace, Deepak Chopra writes about the “internal source of joy—our connection to our Creator, our source, our inner self . . . If you have lost touch with your internal source of joy, if the happiness you experience always originates in circumstances outside yourself, then you are at the mercy of every situation and every stranger you meet. This kind of happiness is always elusive.”2I call this inner voice your intuition—the part of you that connects you to your higher self or soul. Here are a few examples of practices you can pursue on your own to develop it:
• Pray, meditate, or engage in a spiritual practice as part of your daily routine.
• Practice yoga or other relaxation techniques such as deep breathing exercises.
• Take a daily walk in nature. Be conscious of the stillness, beauty, and the world around you.
• Consciously take time to sit quietly and be still within yourself. Sit by a fire, look at the stars, or take a candlelit bath to rest quietly. Stillness is restorative.
• Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings, and turn to it when you feel restless or troubled, or just want to reconnect with yourself.
• One more thing: make room in your life for laughter. Invite it into your home. Cultivate it in your friendships. Seek it out in your entertainment.
Inspiration and Motivation
Find ways to keep yourself inspired and motivated. That will help you stay on course and enrich your life in immeasurable ways. Here are some activities that have proven valuable to my clients:
• Read inspiring books or listen to positive, uplifting CDs. The Resource Guide at the back of this book includes some recommendations.
• Visit museums, galleries, and art events.
• Attend ballet and musical performances, or go to the theater.
• Visit a botanic garden or grow your own garden.
• Hang inspiring pictures and your Life Vision statement on walls and mirrors.
• Surround yourself with beautiful things that enrich your environment.
• Find creative outlets for self-expression such as singing, dancing, drawing, painting, writing, photography, or playing
a musical instrument.
• Listen to beautiful music and watch uplifting films.
Exercise: Inner Support Assessment
Take out your journal and write “My Current Inner Support System” at the top of a new page. Think about what your inner support system currently comprises. Then list any activities and practices you currently do on your own that sustain and inspire you and help you build your inner resources. One note before you proceed: you may not have a long list of inner supports. Most of us were never taught to develop such a system. If you have few inner supports or none at all, don’t beat yourself up about it. At this point, you’re just looking for information that will help you move forward.
Developing an Outer Support System
There’s no one who is alone who hasn’t been encouraged by well-meaning friends and family members to join clubs and organizations to meet friends or, of course, to find a mate. One of my clients, who is spiritually attuned but not drawn to organized religion, has been told a dozen times to join a church. “That’s the best way to meet new people,” his friends and family advise. A mother tells her daughter, “Go to baseball games. That’s where all the men are.” A friend reports that his father went so far as to advise him to switch from one political party to another: “Join the Democratic Party. Democrats have much more fun.” The truth is, the more you do, the more you get out, the more people you meet, the greater the opportunities you have to enrich your life. But there’s no value in randomly joining clubs and organizations, or making new friends if they don’t hold your interest or engage you in some way. And there’s little value in amassing friends who don’t offer you the support you seek. The key is to develop a set of outer supports that genuinely enrich your life and provide support for the expression of your authentic self.
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