Solemate

by Lauren Mackler

  • Refer back to the interests, passions, and contributions you listed in your journal at the end of Chapter 6, “Reclaiming Your Innate Wholeness” (page 186).

  • Review the items you listed in your journal under the heading “My Ideal Partner Gaps”—the gaps between your attributes and those of your ideal partner, which you identified at the end of Chapter 7, “Becoming the Partner You Seek” (page 218).

  Use the outcomes of those exercises to help you identify the personal qualities, behaviors, and life circumstances that are the most critical to you. Now, in your journal, write “My Life Vision Attributes” at the top of the page. Focusing on attributes that are particularly important—attributes that you do not currently possess—complete the following sentences:

  • The personal qualities that will help me master the art of aloneness are: (List two or three.)

  • The behaviors that will help me master the art of aloneness are: (List two or three.)

  • The life circumstances that will help me master the art of aloneness are: (List one or two.)

  To give you a sense of what these lists might look like, here are Jane Doe’s and John Doe’s lists.

  Jane’s Life Vision Attributes

  • Personal qualities: Confident. Powerful. Self-sufficient.

  • Behaviors: Loving and respecting myself.Expressing my feelings and setting healthy boundaries with others.

  • Life circumstances: A successful and fulfilling academic career in history and politics. Feeling whole and complete on my own.

  John’s Life Vision Attributes

  • Personal qualities: Healthy. Fit. Energetic.

  • Behaviors: Loving and respecting myself and others. Expressing my creativity.

  • Life circumstances: A balanced and fulfilling life. My own home-based graphic design business and painting studio.

  Exercise Two: Crafting Your Life Vision

  Your Life Vision describes the state you want to achieve within yourself and in your life. It provides you with a clear focus on what you want and serves as a guidepost for all the decisions you make in your day-to-day life. You’ll be using your Life Vision later in this chapter to create your action plan. Your Life Vision should be specific, inspiring, written in the present tense, and between 25 and 40 words in length so you can easily commit it to memory.

  Here are Jane Doe’s and John Doe’s examples:

  Jane’s Life Vision

  I am a confident, powerful, and self-sufficient woman, loving and respecting myself, expressing my feelings and setting healthy boundaries with others, enjoying a successful and fulfilling academic career in history and politics, and feeling whole and complete on my own.

  John’s Life Vision

  I am a healthy, fit, and energetic man, loving and accepting myself and others, enjoying a balanced and fulfilling life, and expressing my creativity in my home-based graphic design business and painting studio.

  Now, open your journal and write “My Life Vision” at the top of the page. Using your Life Vision Attributes list, write a concise and inspiring statement that clearly articulates the personal qualities, behaviors, and life circumstances you want to manifest in your life on your own. Remember to keep it to 25 to 40 words in length, so you can memorize it, and to write it in the present tense, as if it were already so. Since clearly identifying what you want is the first step to bringing your vision to reality, it’s important to be as specific as you can be. Take the time you need to refine your statement, finishing only when you have a Life Vision with which you’re completely satisfied, one that that makes you feel genuinely inspired and excited.

  When you’re happy with your Life Vision statement, memorize it. Then you can repeat it to yourself when you’re on a treadmill at the gym or driving to work in the morning or before you go to sleep at night. Write it on the front page of your daily planner, or frame it and hang it in a special place. Let it be a constant reminder of the path you’re following and the new life you’re creating.

  As a further reminder, I also encourage you to find objects that inspire you, symbols of mastering the art of aloneness and of your Life Vision. For example, I have a statue of Buddha on my desk that’s a visual cue; it reminds me to stay connected to my authentic self and to take time to relax and regroup every day. I also have a painting of a woman flying high above the rooftops. For me, it symbolizes the idea of soaring fearlessly beyond my boundaries and continuously expanding my comfort zone. Although your action plan is critical to bringing your Life Vision to reality, it’s your focused commitment that will let you really soar. Your Life Vision is a powerful tool to help you sustain that focus.

  Exercise Three: Identifying Your Barriers

  In this exercise, you’re looking for anything you’ve uncovered about yourself that could sabotage your ability to achieve your Life Vision—your barriers. Before you begin, you’ll want to review what you’ve learned about yourself:

  • The lists that appear in your journal under the following headings will be particularly helpful—“The Challenges in Mastering My Aloneness,” “My Core Limiting Beliefs,” “My Family Role,” and “My Fears and Core Beliefs.”

  • Refer back to your list of inner supports and outer supports. This will help you identify where the weaknesses in your support systems lie.

  • Be sure to take into account any addictions or feelings of depression or anxiety that need to be addressed, as these will undermine your ability to realize your Life Vision.

  • Finally, remember any “Aha!” moments you experienced as you worked through this book—anything else you’ve uncovered about yourself that could sabotage your ability to achieve your Life Vision.

  Step One

  In your journal, complete the following sentences.

  • My family role is:

  • My core limiting beliefs are:

  • My habitual behaviors are:

  • Other sabotaging thoughts, feelings, patterns, or life circumstances are:

  Step Two

  In your journal, write “My Barriers.” Based on the results from Step One, make a list of your barriers to achieving your Life Vision.

  Jane’s Barriers

  Here is how Jane Doe completed Exercise Three:

  • My family role is: Lost Child.

  • My core limiting beliefs are: Others’ thoughts, feelings, and needs are more important than my own. I’m ugly.

  • My habitual behaviors are: Putting other people’s needs ahead of my own. Withholding my real thoughts and feelings.

  • Other sabotaging patterns or life circumstances: Eating junk food for comfort. Staying up late watching TV and not getting enough sleep. Engaging in relationships in which I feel disrespected and unvalued. Lack of outer supports. Fear of being alone forever.

  Then she wrote this list of barriers in her journal:

  • The limiting beliefs that others’ needs are more important than my own and that I’m ugly

  • Putting others’ needs ahead of my own

  • Withholding my real thoughts, feelings, and needs from others

  • Eating junk food and not getting enough sleep

  • Engaging in relationships in which I feel disrespected and unvalued

  • Lack of outer supports

  • Fear of being alone forever

  Exercise Four: Identifying Your Goals

  Using your Life Vision and your barrier list as your reference points, identify your three most important goals—your three top priorities, the goals you want to address first to move you closer to achieving your Life Vision. Be as specific as you can.

  In your journal, write “My Three Goals” and record today’s date. Then list your three goals, one by one, including a deadline by which you will achieve each one.

  As an example, here’s how John Doe’s goals look:

  • Goal #1: Leave my job and work in my own home-based graphic design business and art studio by the end of this year.

  • Goal #2: Lose 15
pounds and achieve greater physical fitness, health, and energy by June 30.

  • Goal #3: Experience more loving, accepting, and peaceful relationships with myself and others by the end of this year.

  Exercise Five: Identifying Your Action Steps

  Now you’re going to formulate a specific set of action steps for each of your goals. As you develop your action plan, don’t try to do too much. Stay focused on the three goals you identified. It’s important to keep this process as uncomplicated and focused as possible so you don’t overwhelm yourself. To complete this part of the exercise, you may want to refer back to the examples of inner and outer supports that appeared earlier in the book, as well as the Resource Guide at the back of the book. Use what you’ve learned about yourself to identify the action steps that will work for you.

  I suggest you start with no more than six specific action steps for each of your goals. To formulate them, you’ll want to ask yourself these questions for each goal:

  • What are the most important initial action steps I need to take to achieve this goal?

  • What inner supports do I need to help me achieve this goal or to move through my barriers to achieving it?

  • What outer supports do I need to help me achieve this goal or to move through my barriers to achieving it?

  Now, for each goal, write down no more than six action steps you will take toward achieving it. Record your three goals and their action steps in your journal. Whenever possible, set a deadline for completing each action step and build that date into the step. As you complete each step, you can add further steps and keep updating them until you’ve reached the goal.

  Here is an example of the action steps Jane Doe developed for her second goal—“Build friendships with at least three new people who are uplifting, fun, and respectful by August 31.” (Again, you’ll find complete action plans for Jane Doe and John Doe in the Appendix.)

  • Renew my membership at the YWCA and start taking group exercise classes by February 15.

  • Find and take a salsa dance class at the adult education center by March 1.

  • Attend a class on effective communication at the adult education center by March 10.

  • Find and join a book club by April 30.

  • Check the calendar section of the paper; plan and do at least one social activity each weekend.

  • Express my needs, feelings, and boundaries to others on an ongoing basis.

  Congratulations! Your new life is about to begin. Before you move on to the next exercise, you’ll need to buy yourself a daily planner, one that provides enough space to record and schedule the activities and actions steps you’ll be incorporating into your new life.

  Exercise Six: Creating Your Life Structure

  You’ve determined the direction you want to go. You’ve identified the first steps you need to take to get you there. Now you’re going to incorporate your action plan into your daily and weekly life by using a daily planner. To complete this exercise, take out your daily planner and record the following:

  • All the action steps and deadlines you’ve set for yourself (e.g., find a yoga class by February 15)

  • All the daily and weekly activities you’ve committed to engage in (e.g., Weight Watchers group every Friday; gym every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday)

  Your action plan is something you’ll need to keep updating as you complete your action steps. As you add new action steps and activities to your daily and weekly routine, be sure to record them in your daily planner. This will help you follow through on your action steps, complete your goals, and bring your Life Vision to reality.

  Next Steps

  Mastering the art of aloneness is an ongoing process. Here are a few things to remember as you move forward:

  • For each of your three goals, once you’ve completed your action steps, keep setting and completing new action steps until you have achieved that goal.

  • Once you’ve accomplished a goal, you can replace it with a new goal and set of action steps, keeping the process going until you’ve achieved your Life Vision.

  • If you find that taking on three goals at a time is overwhelming, prioritize your goals and focus on just one or two at a time.

  • When formulating your goals and action steps, include specific deadlines whenever you can. This will help prevent procrastination and keep you on course.

  CHAPTER 11

  SUSTAINING YOUR

  COMMITMENT

  You’ve done the hard work of identifying your authentic self and mapping out a strategy for mastering the art of aloneness. Now the fun is about to begin. As you take these steps toward achieving your Life Vision, you’re going to begin an exciting journey that will be full of surprises. You’ll be amazed by how your life will change, first in small ways and, ultimately, in dramatic new ways. You’ll have more energy, more confidence, and a new enthusiasm for what’s ahead. You’ll stop focusing on finding your perfect mate and become a whole and complete person on your own. By loving yourself, living deliberately, and pursuing your own Life Vision and goals, you’ll create the life to which you aspire. This final chapter is designed to help you sustain your commitment to mastering your aloneness and provide an overview of the tools you’ve acquired throughout this book to manage any pitfalls you may encounter along the way.

  Common Pitfalls

  As I said at the beginning of this book, as you engage in the process of mastering aloneness and living in alignment with your authentic self, you will slip up. After all, we’re all human. The challenge is to get back on course. When you find yourself slipping back into old, limiting patterns, think of it as a process of course-correcting. Welcome the challenge—it means that you’re taking charge of your life. Don’t judge yourself. Instead, treat yourself with love and compassion.

  Here are some of the pitfalls you may encounter as you continue your process—and some of the ways to address them:

  • Feeling overwhelmed. Most likely, if you start to feel overwhelmed, it’s because you’re trying to address too many issues or make too many changes all at once. The best way to deal with this is to step back and look at your action plan. If you’re doing too much, it’s time to reprioritize. Maybe you need to work on two goals instead of three. Or maybe one of your goals requires a lot of steps, so it’s taking up all your energy. To address the problem, identify the goals that are most important to you. If you need to, just focus on one goal at a time and don’t move on to the next one until the first one is complete.

  • Feeling discouraged. This happens when you’re listening to the inner critic—the inner voice that says: “You’ll never make it.” “It’s hopeless.” “This is too hard.” “You’re not moving fast enough.” Whatever that voice is saying, you need to articulate a response, drawing from the part of you that feels strong, confident, and optimistic. Be your own cheerleader. Review your accomplishments; remind yourself of what you’re capable of doing and being. Instead of focusing on and feeding the old voice that drags you down, actively support the part of you that believes that you can have a terrific life on your own. Keep your inner critic at bay by invoking your Inner Nurturing Parent.

  • Falling back into old patterns. There are two ways to address this issue. First, be aware that you’re more likely to slip up when you’re trying to accomplish your goals all by yourself. It may be that you don’t have an outer support system in place to help you maintain your focus and discipline and to give you the kind of outside encouragement everyone needs. Outer supports might include a trusted friend or family member, a coach or therapist, or an ongoing support group. To have a strong system of outer supports, you have to actively build, nurture, and sustain it. That involves reaching out to people instead of keeping yourself isolated and shutting yourself off from people. Second, if you’re falling back into old patterns, it may be helpful to avoid situations that trigger your old behavior. For example, say Jane Doe tends to fall into her pattern of eating junk food when she’s feeling
isolated and lonely on the weekends. That’s her trigger. To avoid falling back into her old pattern, she has to be sure to schedule some activities on the weekend to help her bypass the old trigger.

  • Lack of energy. Take good care of yourself—whether it’s one of your three goals or not. A lack of energy typically relates to a failure to sustain your inner support system, which provides the physical, emotional, and mental energy needed to achieve your goals. If you’re eating poorly, neglecting your health, or living a high-stress lifestyle, you’re depleting your inner resources. That will make it difficult to maintain the energy you need to participate fully and actively in your life—which is central to achieving your Life Vision and mastering the art of aloneness.

  • Lack of motivation. If you don’t have a loving and caring relationship with yourself, it’s hard to sustain the motivation to take action and make good choices for yourself. Building and sustaining a healthy, loving relationship with yourself is absolutely crucial to mastering the art of aloneness. Loving yourself compels you to make lifestyle choices that make you feel good and generate the results you want. If you begin to feel unmotivated, revisit your relationship with yourself. Invoke your Inner Nurturing Parent. Make a conscious effort to treat yourself with respect, kindness, love, and compassion.

  Overriding Your Conditioned Self

  As you engage in the process of mastering aloneness, be aware that your limiting beliefs and habitual behaviors will resurface again and again. When they do, you’ll need to consciously redirect your thoughts and behaviors in a way that supports your authentic self. This act of consciously redirecting your thoughts and behaviors is central to achieving your Life Vision—and to mastering the art of aloneness. It means living in a state of continual awareness, consciously living your life in each moment. When you fall back into the old thought and behavior patterns of your conditioned self, consciously replace those old, conditioned beliefs and behaviors with the new beliefs and behaviors you’ve identified—those articulated in your Life Vision. Over time, your new beliefs and behaviors will become part of your new operating system. But that’s a process that takes time and requires relentless but gentle perseverance.