Solemate

by Lauren Mackler

  2. Bridget F. Grant, “Estimates of US Children Exposed to Alcohol Abuse and Dependence in the Family,” American Journal of Public Health, 90 (1), Washington, D.C.: American Public Health Association, January 2000, 112–15.

  3. http://www.aamft.org/families/Consumer_Updates/ChildrenandDivorce.asp (accessed November 10, 2007).

  4. J. Bailey Molineux, “Dysfunctional Families Can Be Loving,” Helena Independent Record, September 4, 2007.

  5. John Bradshaw, Bradshaw On: The Family (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1988).

  6. Ibid., 33.

  Chapter 4

  1. Stephen Wolinsky, The Dark Side of the Inner Child (Putney, VT: Bramble Books, 1993).

  2. Ibid., 1.

  3. Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want (London: Pocket Books, 2005), 13.

  Chapter 5

  1. Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence (New York: Bantam Books, 1997), 43–44.

  2. Ibid., xii.

  3. Wayne W. Dyer, The Power of Intention (Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2004), 71.

  4. Sharon Jayson, “Power of a Super Attitude,” USA Today, October 12, 2004, http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2004-10-12-mind-body_x.htm?bc=interstitialskip (accessed November 11, 2007).

  5. Ibid.

  6. Lauran Neergaard, “Study Verifies Power of Positive Thinking,” Associated Press, November 28, 2005, http://www.livescience.com/health/ap_051128_placebo.html (accessed November 11, 2007).

  7. Ibid.

  8. Ibid.

  Chapter 6

  1. Joseph Campbell, ed., The Portable Jung, trans. R. F. C. Hull (New York: Viking Penguin, Inc., 1971), xxvi.

  2. Lawrence Wright, “A Reporter at Large: Double Mystery,” The New Yorker, August 7, 1995, 45–62.

  3. Thomas J. Bouchard, Jr. and Matt McGue, “Genetic and Environmental Influences on Human Psychological Differences,” Journal of Neurobiology 54, no. 1 (2003): 4–45.

  4. American Automobile Association Foundation for Traffic Safety, “Aggressive Driving: Three Studies” (1997), http://www.aaafoundation.org/resources/index.cfm?button=agdrtext (accessed November 14, 2007).

  5. Daniel J. Levinson, The Seasons of a Man’s Life (New York: Knopf, 1978), 199.

  Chapter 7

  1. Colette Dowling, The Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden Fear of Independence (New York: Summit Books, 1981), 16.

  2. Ibid., 46.

  3. Ibid., 16.

  4. Leslie Bennetts, The Feminine Mistake (New York: Voice, 2007), 102.

  5. Ibid., xxiv.

  6. Ibid., 120.

  7. Ibid., 117–120.

  8. Ibid., xxiv.

  9. Ibid., 120.

  10. Ibid., xxiv.

  11. Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want, 36.

  12. Ibid., 36.

  13. Ibid., 36–39.

  Chapter 9

  1. Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love (New York: Viking Penguin, 2006), 53.

  2. Deepak Chopra, Power, Freedom, and Grace (San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing, 2006), 7.

  3. Ann Kaiser Stearns, Living Through Personal Crisis (New York: Ballantine Books, 1985), 69.

  4. Jack Kornfield, A Path with Heart (New York: Bantam Books, 1993), 72.

  Chapter 11

  1. The Skeptic’s Dictionary, entry on “Unconscious Mind,” http://skepdic.com/unconscious.html.

  2. Bruce Lipton, “Mind Over Genes,” 2005, www.brucelipton.com/article/mind-over-genes-thenew-biology (accessed December 6, 2007).

  3. Ibid., 3.

  4. Ibid., 4.

  5. Ibid., 4.

  GLOSSARY

  This is a compilation of some of the terms I use in the book, including some that I’ve developed and some developed by other people in my field.

  Action plan: A written document that includes one’s Life Vision and the goals and action steps one needs to take to achieve that vision.

  Action steps: Actions that need to be taken to achieve one’s goals.

  Affirmation: A written statement that clearly and concisely describes something one aspires to be, achieve, have, or experience (e.g., personal qualities, behaviors, and/or life circumstances).

  Authentic self: The person you were born to be—the true self—composed of one’s innate personality traits, wholeness, and strengths. Living from the authentic self means living in alignment with one’s innate nature, wholeness, and intuition, and developing and living from an operating system made up of beliefs and behaviors that activate one’s innate potential.

  Comfort zone: The boundary one lives within that comprises all that is known and familiar (education, job, relationships, income, life experiences, life circumstances, etc.).

  Conditioned self: The person one becomes as the result of the life conditioning process. Living from the conditioned self means habitually and unconsciously living from one’s default operating system rather than from the authentic self.

  Constructive family system: A family system in which there is a healthy state of homeostasis; family roles are fluid and interchangeable (that is, the system’s needs are met by members assuming different roles at different times); each member’s innate nature is allowed expression; and each member’s innate wholeness remains intact.

  Core beliefs: The conclusions about oneself and the world that are unconsciously internalized during one’s formative years. Although core beliefs usually reside in the subconscious, they are the underlying drivers of human behavior.

  Core limiting beliefs: The conclusions about oneself and the world, unconsciously internalized during the formative years, that prevent or limit expression of one’s innate nature, wholeness, and potential (e.g., “I’m unworthy and undeserving.”).

  Default mode: Living on autopilot instead of with conscious intention.

  Default operating system: The internal operating system rooted in the subconscious that’s composed of the core limiting beliefs and habitual behaviors adopted during the formative years.

  Dysfunctional family system: A family system in which there is an absence of balance and stability; family roles are fixed and rigid; parts of members’ innate nature become submerged (those that threaten the family norms); the innate wholeness of individual family members is eroded; and some or many of the family system requirements are not met.

  Dysfunctions and pathologies: Patterns of thought and behavior that prevent or limit expression of the authentic self.

  Family of origin: The family one grows up in.

  Family role: The primary role each family member unconsciously adopts within the family as part of the natural dynamic of homeostasis.

  Family system: A group made up of family members who interact within the context of certain defined relationships and according to a set of accepted ways of thinking and behaving (family “norms”).

  Family system homeostasis: A natural and unconscious dynamic of human interaction in which the family system continuously moves toward a state of balance and stability to meet its collective needs.

  Family system requirements: The conditions and environment needed for a family system to function in a healthy, constructive manner and for each member to retain and express his or her innate nature and wholeness.

  Goal: A clear and concise written description of a desired result one wants to achieve.

  Innate nature: The unique personality traits each person is born with.

  Innate wholeness: The capacity to access and express the innate personality traits and natural range of human emotions each person is born with.

  Inner Critical Parent: The inner voice that is self-critical and reprimanding and hinders the full activation of one’s innate potential. Also referred to as the inner critic.

  Inner Nurturing Parent: The inner voice that sends loving and supporting messages to the self and is a source of love, support, and encouragement from within.

  Inner support system: The activities one does alone on a routine basis to build and sustain one’s health and inner resources and to achieve one’s Life Vis
ion.

  Intuition: The instinctive knowing that comes through one’s “sixth sense” rather than through rational thought.

  Life conditioning: The shaping of one’s identity as the result of external influences such as the family of origin; environment; social, cultural, religious, and educational influences; and the life experiences and circumstances to which one is exposed during one’s formative years.

  Life Vision: A written statement that clearly and concisely synthesizes the attributes of one’s ideal self and life.

  Limiting habitual behaviors: Patterns of behavior that are not part of the default operating system developed in childhood, but serve as barriers and limitations in one’s adult life (e.g., compulsive shopping and overspending).

  Limiting beliefs/thoughts: Patterns of thought that are not part of the default operating system developed in childhood, but serve as barriers and limitations in one’s adult life (e.g., “I can do meaningful work or make a good living, but I can’t have both”).

  Limiting habitual behaviors: The patterns of behavior unconsciously adopted during the formative years that prevent or limit expression of one’s innate nature, wholeness, and potential (e.g., always making others’ needs more important in an effort to be loved).

  Observer: The part of the self that watches what one thinks and how one behaves in each moment. Buddhists refer to this form of observation as practicing mindfulness. Developing the observer is key to living deliberately.

  Outer support system: The external resources one utilizes as a means of support for one’s health and well-being and to achieve one’s Life Vision.

  Visualization: The process of using the mind to imagine a desired future state or result.

  INNER AND OUTER

  SUPPORT RESOURCES

  Books

  Bradshaw, John. Bradshaw On: The Family. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc., 1988.

  Cameron, Julia. Transitions: Prayers and Declarations for a Changing Life. New York: Tarcher/Putnam, 1999.

  De Angelis, Barbara. Confidence: Finding It and Living It. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2005.

  Dowling, Colette. The Cinderella Complex: Women’s Hidden Fear of Independence. New York: Summit Books, 1981.

  Dyer, Wayne W. The Power of Intention. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2004.

  Flanigan, Beverly. Forgiving the Unforgivable. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley, 1994.

  Ford, Debbie. Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life. New York: HarperSanFrancisco, 2001.

  Hay, Louise. You Can Heal Your Life. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 1984. Hendricks, Gay, and Kathlyn Hendricks. Conscious Loving. New York: Bantam, 1990.

  Hendrix, Harville. Keeping the Love You Find. New York: Pocket Books, 1992.

  Kavanaugh, Philip. Magnificent Addiction: Discovering Addiction as Gateway to Healing. Fairfield, CT: Aslan Publishing, 1992.

  Keirsey, David, and Marilyn Bates. Please Understand Me:Character & Temperament Types. Del Mar, CA: Gnosology Books, Ltd., 1978.

  Levinson, Daniel J. The Seasons of a Man’s Life. New York: Knopf, 1978.

  Mackler, Lauren, Jack Canfield, Stephen Covey, and Ken Blanchard. Speaking of Success. Sevierville, TN: Insight Publishing, 2007.

  Mellody, Pia, Andrea Wells Miller, and J. Keith Miller. Facing Codependence. New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1989.

  Orman, Suze. The Laws of Money, The Lessons of Life: Keep What You Have and Create What You Deserve. New York: Free Press, 2003.

  Real, Terrence. I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997.

  Robbins, Anthony. Unlimited Power. New York: Fireside, 1986.

  Ruiz, Don Miguel. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing, 1997.

  Schaef, Anne Wilson. Co-Dependence: Misunderstood—Mistreated. New York: HarperSanFrancisco, 1992.

  Sharma, Robin. Who Will Cry When You Die? Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2002.

  Sheehy, Gail. Understanding Men’s Passages: Discovering the New Map of Men’s Lives. New York: Ballantine Books, 1999.

  Smith, Alan. UnBreak Your Health: The Complete Guide to Complementary & Alternative Therapies. Ann Arbor, MI: Loving Healing Press, 2007.

  Stearns, Ann Kaiser. Living Through Personal Crisis. New York: Ballantine Books, 1985.

  Stone, Hal, and Sidra Stone. Embracing Our Selves. Mill Valley, CA: Nataraj Publishing, 1989.

  Storr, Anthony. Solitude: A Return to the Self. New York: Ballantine Books, 1989.

  Weil, Andrew. Eating Well For Optimum Health: The Essential Guide to Bringing Health and Pleasure Back to Eating. New York: Random House, 2000.

  Williamson, Marianne. The Age of Miracles: Embracing the New Midlife. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2008.

  Wolinsky, Stephen. The Dark Side of the Inner Child. Putney, VT: Bramble Books, 1993.

  Zukav, Gary. The Seat of the Soul. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1989.

  Audio Books and CDs

  Dyer, Wayne W., and Deepak Chopra. Creating Your World the Way You Really Want It to Be. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2002.

  Hay, Louise. How to Love Yourself: Cherishing the Incredible Miracle That You Are. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2005.

  Jeffers, Susan. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2007.

  Myss, Caroline. Finding Your Sacred Contract. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2003.

  Northrup, Christiane, and Mona Lisa Schulz. Igniting Intuition: Unearthing Body Genius. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 2005.

  Personal-Development and Psychotherapy Approaches

  There are many types of traditional and alternative mental-health and personal-development modalities and practitioners, including clinical social workers, clinical psychologists, psychiatrists, mental-health counselors, mind-body psychotherapists, and life coaches. This is a partial list.

  Bioenergetic Analysis: Founded by Alexander Lowen, bioenergetic analysis is a form of psychotherapy rooted in the work of Wilhelm Reich. It involves working with both the body and the mind to help resolve emotional problems and is viewed as a way of understanding personality in terms of the body and its energetic processes. Bioenergetic analysis focuses on the expression of feelings and the reestablishment of energy flow in the body to enhance pleasure and joy in living.

  Cognitive-Behavioral Psychotherapy: This is typically a short-term therapy focused more on changing current, problematic thoughts and behaviors, and less on addressing underlying past issues. The practitioner helps the client identify unhealthy, negative beliefs and behaviors, and replace them with healthy, positive ones. Treatment may include stress management, biofeedback, and relaxation techniques.

  EMDR: EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a psychotherapeutic technique that is typically used as part of a comprehensive treatment plan. It is a neurological therapy used to treat psychological trauma, phobias, and personal and professional performance issues.

  Humanistic Psychotherapy: Founded by Carl Rogers, humanistic psychotherapy focuses on supporting the client’s inherent capacity for growth, rather than dwelling on past events or on the therapist’s ideas of how the client should change. It’s based on the premise that people have within themselves the resources and capacity for self-awareness and development. The goal of therapy is to create a safe place for that self-discovery and growth to take place.

  Hypnotherapy: By allowing clients to access the unconscious mind, hypnotherapy helps them learn how to react differently to certain situations. A trained therapist guides a person to remember events that have brought about dysfunctional or problem-causing responses or memories and then reconstruct those events with new, healthier associations. Hypnosis is used to relieve many conditions that have an emotional or psychological component. Studies have shown that hypnosis may improve immune function, decrease feelings of stress and anxiety, and lessen pain.

  L
ife Coaching: Coaching is a resource for people who want to improve their personal or professional lives or achieve specific goals such as creating healthier relationships, making a career change, improving business results, gaining greater self-awareness, or living more deliberately. Although there are no regulatory or training requirements for becoming a coach, the necessary skills and qualifications are similar to those of a psychotherapist. However, life coaching differs from therapy in that it focuses more on the present and future and on achieving specific goals and objectives, than on the past. When choosing a life coach, it’s important to inquire about training, credentials, and methodology.

  Mind-Body Psychotherapy: Mind-body psychotherapy is a holistic approach that combines traditional talk therapy with other, less traditional approaches to engage the client at all levels—mental, emotional, and physical. Mindbody approaches and techniques vary from therapist to therapist, but practitioners usually have training in traditional psychology as well as in nontraditional modalities such as breath therapy, hypnotherapy, bioenergetics, or voice dialogue.

  Psychoanalysis: A long-term, intensive therapy that often involves several sessions a week for several years, this practice evolved out of theories developed by Sigmund Freud. Psychoanalysis involves examining dreams, memories, and past events to understand current feelings and behavior. It’s based on the premise that childhood events and biological urges create an unconscious mind that drives how we think, feel, and behave. In formal psychoanalysis, the therapist sits out of sight behind the patient, who typically lies on a couch.