Well Done

by Andrew Seiple

  There was something there. “You like it better here?”

  “Who wouldn’t?” He grinned and waved a hand around. “Got a big guild backing me, big enough they could buy an’ sell city-states if they wanted to. Got my catgirl crew to find me targets and jobs. Got power an’ wealth I couldn’t get back home without being about six skin-tones whiter. Life is good for me, here.”

  “Catgirl crew... the Acrocats are your minions, then?”

  There was a snort from Cagna’s room.. A distinctly disdainful feline snort.

  “Sorry,” Chase called. “You might as well come in if you’re going to eavesdrop.”

  The door opened and Carmina sauntered back in, leaning against the wall and mopping her hands with rags.

  “Not minions. They’re my friends. I take care of them,” Pwner said, after a pause.

  “So it’s not like that Eesop guy and his personal beastkin collection?” Renny asked.

  Pwner jumped a bit, and so did Chase. The little fox had been quiet for so long they’d forgotten he was there.

  “Eesop? Who... oh.” He looked at Carmina, and she looked away. Was she blushing? It was hard to tell under her fur. Her ears were definitely doing things.

  Pwner continued. “Naw. Jus’ her. Me and Carmina got a thing. The rest of the Acrocats are business ’sociates only.” He laughed. “You know how many massholes come in this game lookin’ for a harem? Well, came in here, I mean. It was one of the draws for G.O... a stupid ad that went ‘Come play, mah lawd!’ Buncha damn fools come in thinkin’ they gonna have bunches of women falling all over them. And some did. Then they found out that they gotta keep all those women happy. Either that or they gotta take slaves.” His face darkened, and his eyes filled with such anger that Chase had to look away.

  But the moment passed. When Chase looked up, he was gazing at Carmina, shaking his head. “Bunch of overprivileged, self-centered guys can’t keep even one woman happy in real life, thinkin’ they got the stuff to juggle like six or a dozen in here? Most of the bros I knew who tried that shazz ended up dead in a ditch early on.”

  “I never thought of it that way,” Chase said, blinking. “Um. One question, though.”

  “Yeah?”

  “What’s a harem?”

  A few awkward minutes later, Carmina took over the conversation and explained things graphically. Chase blushed to the bottom of her toes.

  “I never... that... wow. Uh. Any halven who tried that would probably be run out of town, back where I came from. Um. Not that it doesn’t happen. People sleeping around, I mean. It just doesn’t get flaunted openly.”

  “There’s countries around here where it’s normal,” Pwner shrugged. “Poly-based societies and shazz. This land here ain’t one of ’em. But even with those places, you got obligations. You got ways you expected to behave. And you takin’ on more trouble, the more you add. More people to be responsible for. Sure, you get different kinds of tail, but you gots to be a husband. Gots to be a good dad. Most people I know came in looking for a harem don’t got what it takes. Some of them tried anyway. Chasin’ dreams they knew was bad for them...” he put down his empty plate. “Shazz girl, you got me talking. We gettin’ off topic.”

  “What is the topic?” Chase asked, sipping a cup of unexpectedly nice wine. “Why did you grab Cagna in the first place? And me, for that matter? You obviously don’t want us dead, so I’m a little in the dark about all of this.”

  Pwner nodded. “Couple of things. Main thing was to keep you out of the Inquisition’s hands. Thass why we got Cagna... and the pandaman.”

  “You have Yubai?” Chase asked, worried. “I had almost forgotten about him. It’s been a very hectic few days.”

  The truth of the matter was that she hadn’t worried so much about Yubai. He was a player, when it came down to it. It took a lot to kill players.

  “No,” Pwner sighed. “He escaped. Dug right out of his room.”

  “Do you know where he is now?” Chase said, feeling a little bit of guilt. “He doesn’t speak our language very well.”

  “Tracked him down to the markets and lost him,” Pwner said, looking annoyed. “I don’t know how the hell he ditched us, but he did. But listen, I can get Carmina to show you around after we done here. Maybe he’ll come out for you.”

  “If it’s safe. I’m pretty sure Sir Barriano is searching for us.”

  “He is. But the markets aren’t in his territory,” Carmina said. “They’re big and empty. They were the first places people hit once the looting started.”

  “Lots of hiding places. Anyway, she’ll help you look.” Pwner waved a hand. “Anyway, we took your people, and you, to keep them out of the Inquisitor’s hands. Did you know the Inquisitor arrived at Barriano’s bastion like two hours before Cagna did? Your girl would have walked right into her hands.”

  Chase blanched. “I didn’t know that. He did say Zenobia had visited him earlier. I didn’t know it was just yesterday.”

  “Yeah. So you welcome for that.”

  “Yes, thank you,” Chase nodded. “She’s gone now, right?”

  “She is.”

  Images of winged babies flashed through Chase’s mind. “I’m not so sure that Sir Barriano would have handed me over. He doesn’t entirely trust the Inquisition.” If Thomasi was the Knight’s ‘guest,’ and traces of his residence were still there, then that meant Sir Barriano hadn’t given him to Zenobia.

  But she didn’t mention that. It wouldn’t be wise to bring up her Grifter friend to the man he’d cheated.

  “No one trusts the Inquisition,” Pwner said. “But they’re an easy way of dealing with players. So e’eryone plays ball. You would have been a bargaining chip later on, I bet.”

  “Probably,” Chase admitted. “So... again I ask, what do you want of me?”

  “Information, mainly,” Pwner admitted. “Carmina is good at what she does, but she ain’t a spy. Ain’t neither of us cared much about charisma ’fore now. That? That you got. I don’t have my guild here no more since the hall got burned out. Don’t got the rest of the Acrocats here, they still on the road from Arretzi. I need to know the players. Need to know how the board looks ’fore I make my move.”

  “You killed our friend,” Renny pointed out, before Chase could stop him. “Why should we help you?”

  “What?” He frowned. “Oh, you mean Thomasi. Well, he cheated me. I wanted Tabita, he promised he’d get me a shot, and then he tried shenanigans. So now he gonna think twice before he tries that again.”

  “Why did you want to kill Tabita in the first place?” Chase asked.

  “There’s benefits I get for each player kill,” Pwner said, shrugging. “Ain’t going into details so don’t ask.”

  “So... we’re fine, then? You won’t try to kill or hurt us?” Renny asked.

  “Got no reason to. Got all the reason NOT to, if you’re helping me.” Pwner grinned. “And I can help you against the Inquisition and any dragons that need killing.” He stretched out a gloved hand. “Truce? Alliance against those mamajackas?”

  Chase was under no illusions as to what would happen if she said ‘no’.

  “Truce,” she agreed and shook hands with the second-most murderous player she’d ever met. “And alliance as well. We’ll help you however we can.”

  Your Silver Tongue skill is now level 34!

  You are now a level 13 Grifter!

  CHA+3

  DEX+3

  LUCK+3

  CHAPTER 18: ENTER THE JANITOR

  Once, the markets of Gnome had played host to traders from across the known worlds. Goods brought in on steam-powered dromonds made or broke merchant families on a daily basis. The fruits of empire were laid bare to the jewel in her crown that was the eternal city.

  The tradition had continued throughout the centuries, even as the empire crumbled. Mind you, the quality suffered a bit. And as the trade routes shifted to account for things like major mountain passes being surrounded by walls of black oblivion, a
nd the whole industry of money-changing and currency speculation was destroyed overnight by the universal coin shift, one could easily say that the markets of Gnome had lost their luster.

  Which isn’t to say that they’d been forgotten.

  In fact, as Chase moved through overturned stalls, and smashed tents, and past open shops that showed shelf after shelf of wreckage and abandoned goods, she knew that the rumors she’d heard had been true. This was one of the first places targeted by the rioting mobs fleeing the dragon. Almost everything edible, or of that right balance between portability and profitability, had been taken.

  But Chase wasn’t here looking for salvage, or wealth, or food. She was looking for a particular black-and-white beastkin... and failing.

  “You’re sure he ran down this street?” Chase asked, pausing to perch on an overturned sausage-inna-bun cart.

  “Positive,” Carmina curled her nose. “Gods, the smell still lingers. Old grease over bad meat.”

  “You’re tracking him by smell?” Chase raised an eyebrow.

  “No! No, no, no.” The catgirl waved a hand around at the gray-stained street and the gutters choked with sodden ash and grime. “It’s rained since then, and everything smells like burnt anyway. Except for places like this, where the odors were too strong. Like that filthy cart you parked your bottom on.”

  “I don’t smell a thing,” Chase sighed. “You’re sure you’re out of biscuits?”

  Carmina threw her hands up. “You just ate like two hours ago!”

  “I know. That was pre-breakfast,” Chase said, folding her arms. “And I did a vision after that, it took it right out of me.”

  That was a bit of a lie, but she was feeling hungry from all the walking she’d done since then. Her stamina was down, and she was cold. With most of the ash out of the sky, Gnome had lost its insulating layer. Winter was grinding down... this part of the land rarely saw snow, but the chill could bite deep at this time of year.

  “Yeah. A vision. Looked like a power nap to me,” Carmina sneered.

  “Not my fault it knocks me out for a while,” Chase hopped off the cart. “So let’s try this again. Where did he go after he ran down this street?”

  “He didn’t.”

  “Didn’t what?”

  “He didn’t go anywhere. He came around the corner there.” Carmina pointed back the way they’d come, where the main via branched into smaller lanes and wound through the entrance of the district. “I went ahead to cut him off at the next junction. But he never showed up.”

  “What was stopping him from cutting east or west?” Chase looked around at several of the alleys and gaps that led into distant plazas.

  “We planned for that. I had a clear view of the next street to the east, and Ga—” she shut up for a second. “The western street was covered.”

  “He could have tunneled under them,” Renny pointed out. “He did that when he escaped.”

  “He broke through a wall, that’s different. He would have had to dig up the cobbles. And there’s no way to do that, not here.”

  “Why not? I’ve seen him go through solid stone,” Chase pointed out.

  “It’s... oooh, just trust me. It’s complicated.”

  “Actually not very complicated,” a cheerful voice called, and instantly the three of them started in surprise, looking around to see who had snuck up while they were hashing out panda evasion methods.

  A man stood before them, clad in heavy overalls. The only part of his flesh showing was his face, peering out from a heavy leather cowl that attached to his tunic. Tools and bottles and bits of cloth stuck out from his pockets, and he bore a mop over one shoulder.

  He was smiling widely, but his face rolled with sweat, skin waxy and drawn over his skull. Old for a human... if that’s what he was. Hard to tell with the cowl sitting the way it was.

  “Can we help you?” Renny asked.

  “My word, a golem! Haven’t seen any of you in quite a long time,” the man knelt down and offered a hand. “Want an ear scratch?”

  “Hold on, you’ve seen golems before?” Chase asked, as Renny ran over and offered his head to the man’s gloved fingers.

  “Not for a very long time, didn’t I just say that?” The man mopped his brow as he straightened up. “And the reason you can’t dig here is because the Cattlecombs are right under the streets.”

  “Oh, that’s where the dungeon is!” Carmina said. “I remember hearing about it, we were going to visit when we got some spare time.”

  “You an adventurer?” The man’s eyes widened. “We got plenty of dungeons here! The Cattlecombs, the Horroreum, the Hole in the Wall... And back when we got that big lot of adventurers in, there were people farming them night and day! Business was booming! Best time the markets had in years. It was like stories of old, once again. That’s where I saw golems, folks would bring them in to sell... little ones, mainly. For like pets and house servants. Only a few smart ones though, and most of those were toy golems like your buddy here.”

  Chase paused.

  It was awfully cold for him to be sweating so much, even in his heavy garb.

  PER+1

  “I’m sorry, we’ve been remiss,” she said. “My name’s Chase. This is Renny and Carmina. Who are you, sir?”

  He blanched. “Oh, I’m nobody special. I’m Vitaly, the custodian.”

  “Custodian of where?” Carmina looked around between the buildings. None of the ones on this street were particularly large.

  “Of the markets, among other things. It’s a hereditary title. My ancestor got it from the Senate, back when there was a senate. One of us has been here ever since.” Vitaly smiled. “The city pays us a stipend. Has to; it’s the law! It’s more trouble to get rid of us then it is to pay us, so we’re not going anywhere.”

  “Bet it’s kind of hard to collect with the Duke gone and the city toasted,” Carmina said, and Chase winced. Charisma was a thing Carmina didn’t seem to care about.

  But Vitaly shrugged it off and kept smiling. “She’s been through worse, Gnome has. Isn’t the first time she’s changed hands. I’ll pick up and clean up in the meantime. Already got a start.” He pointed down the street, at a pile of rubble that had once been some kind of glassware shop. “Want to help me out? I can give you the two-drachma tour after we’re done.”

  Carmina rolled her eyes and opened her mouth... then squalled in pain as Chase stomped on her foot. Hard.

  “Absolutely!” Chase said. “Do you have any food? I’m pretty low on stamina.”

  “I think I can scrape up something,” Vitaly grinned and led the way.

  “Helping!” Renny cheered, and between the four of them, they got most of the broken glass that was left up and away. It was hard, tricky work, and only Chase’s dexterity saved her from some serious finger cuts. As it was, her feet got a bit torn up... though it was nothing her healing spells couldn’t sit right.

  “You a worshiper, then?” Vitaly asked, after she healed a particularly nasty gouge on her heel.

  “No, not really.”

  “It’s just that you’re using divine magic. Sorry, I assumed you were a cleric.”

  “Oh. Oh no, I’m an Oracle of Hoon. There’s not much worship involved there; it’s a different relationship.”

  “Hoon!” The man’s face lit up. “I love that guy. So glad he survived the godswar.”

  “The what now?” Chase asked.

  Vitaly mopped sweat from his face again. “Ah... old history. There used to be far more gods. Then they fought, and only a dozen remain. Eventually there will be more, I’m pretty sure. Gnoman’s history is full of times where gods ended and were... found. Between you and me, I’m pretty sure the world creates them. Or something does, anyway.”

  “Uh huh...” Chase was starting to have doubts about Vitaly. There was no way he was a simple janitor. “I did see Cymbal’s weapons, last night.”

  “Oh yeah! The Basilica, right? Just over the Cacophony?”

  “The what now?�
��

  “That’s the name of the dungeon over there.” Vitaly shrugged. “Still proud of my city for that one. Took a lot to put paid to gods in the olden days, but Gnome managed. Built our city over her bones. I’m sure we can add some dragon bones to the pile. Probably some already down there!” The old man laughed and thumped his mop against the cobbles. “But I owe you lunch, don’t I? I should see to that.”

  “Yes, please,” Chase nodded. Her belly felt like it was collapsing. Gods, she was thin! If her mother saw her in this state, the woman would be duty-bound to shove sandwiches down her throat for a few weeks.

  Chase rather thought she’d be okay with that. But thinking about her mother made her think of Greta, and her head throbbed. Too little sleep, too many problems.

  “I’ll be right back,” Vitaly said and headed off down a side street.

  “Poor guy,” Carmina said as soon as he was out of earshot. “He moves so carefully, I’ll bet his joints are bad.”

  “Yeah,” Chase said, watching him go. There was some truth to that. He took his time, moved slowly and deliberately. But there was no sign of pain. She’d had enough elder relatives that she knew how someone moved when the arthritis got too bad or one of the other indignities of age finally caught up with them. None of that was on exhibit here. “He’s more than he seems. But I don’t know what. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I should care.”

  “I know. Our plate’s pretty full, isn’t it?” Carmina said.

  Chase’s stomach growled. “Don’t talk about plates, or food, please,” the halven grimaced. “Bad enough I had to walk all over this ridiculously big city, now I had to help pick up glass, too.”

  “It was fun! We’re helping!” Renny offered.

  “Says the golem who doesn’t sweat or get tired,” Chase sniped back.

  “We do! Eventually. I mean I never have personally, but I know it’s possible. It just takes a very long time and usually we don’t.”

  “Must be nice,” Carmina snickered. “Almost makes up for not having genitals.”